How to make friends??

[Ant1986]

I uset to have loads a friends well I fort thay was now I'm 29 years old I seem non left that all moved on in there lives or moved away :-( I now spend all time on my own iv fort of tryin go out meeting ppl but I'm lost I'm not very good at starting convo with ppl and if in a place I don't no makes i hard.. I really do need try some thing tho. Any one got any tips thanks for reading

 

[Walsie]

Friends moving on with their lives and leaving you behind happens sometimes; it's the nature of change. What you need to determine is whether they were fair weather friends or foul weather friends. Something happens to you (like getting paralysed, which happened to a friend of mine), and most will disappear like mist in the sun. Hell, apparently people get married and then don't want to know you anymore (or vice versa) because couple world can be insular, depending on the people (baby and recipe talk are possibly the two most boring things in the universe, for example), so sometimes it' simply you have nothing in common anymore.

Had your previous friendships been made due to an interest, because that would certainly help you feel comfortable enough to have a conversation with somebody like-minded, using stuff you know. Easier said than done, (small talk sucks), but people like to talk about themselves, too, which would take the pressure off you.

Hope this helps.

 

[Datura]

My first suggestion is to find out what you are passionate about and then seek out people who share those same interests. If you have a specific hobby find a club surrounding that hobby. If you are religious try joining a church. Even finding internet forums related to your interests can lead to online friendships that can become real world friendships.

There might also be resources in your area for people with autism. Where I live, for example, there is a group for adults with autism where they can work on improving social skills. Perhaps there is something similar where you live. It might also make you more comfortable if you could meet with other people on the spectrum. See what autism related groups exist in your area.

As for general socialization tips; that can be a bit more difficult. From what I understand you find socializing with new people in new environments very stressful. In desensitizing yourself to a phobia it is best to expose yourself to your fear in small increments. This will allow you to gradually feel safer in such environments. Don't push too hard though. Placing yourself in a very uncomfortable situation can cause an anxiety attack and cause the stimuli to become a trigger in the future.

Personally, I am rarely the one to initiate a social interaction, but when I do I will usually introduce myself to the person and give them my name, and then ask them a question about something pertinent to the social situation (ie. I am at a board game club, I ask the person what kinds of games they like). If nothing especially comes to mind you can always ask a person what they do for a living. They will likely ask you questions after they have given answer. If not you can offer then information in kind, so once they tell you what they do for work you tell them what you do for work. If the answers to their questions raise other interesting questions in your mind then ask for more details. Many people love to talk about themselves. Just avoid getting too personal, like asking about somebody's sex life, personal habits, or religious and political beliefs.

My response here isn't nearly comprehensive, but I hope it has been of some use to you. If you have further questions of me then feel free to ask.

 

[EdR]

I too have lost many friends and have come to the conclusion that the primary fault is of my own doing.

It was I who failed to make the efforts to continue the relationships, often these people would contact me but I did not reciprocate the gesture. Time would pass and contact was lost. I regret that very much.

 

[Ant1986]

I can get where your comeing from. Most my friends where ppl i grew up with looking back it was more like thay where just ppl I know I cudant say I had a ture friend. Afew years ago I lost my gran hit me hard.. ended up cuting my self off from ppl then when I sorta come out of it my so called mates no where to b seen. So now tryin find ways of making new ones finding it hard tho some ppl say ask things to make convo iv tryed this think might b how i come across? if sumone asks about me I don't no what to say the last few years I find it really hard to concentrate aswell so geting a hobby really not easy

 

[EdR]

I can get where your comeing from. Most my friends where ppl i grew up with looking back it was more like thay where just ppl I know I cudant say I had a ture friend. Afew years ago I lost my gran hit me hard.. ended up cuting my self off from ppl then when I sorta come out of it my so called mates no where to b seen. So now tryin find ways of making new ones finding it hard tho some ppl say ask things to make convo iv tryed this think might b how i come across? if sumone asks about me I don't no what to say the last few years I find it really hard to concentrate aswell so geting a hobby really not easy

I have noticed on this forum that socialization issues are the most common trait that those of us on the spectrum possess. In many of my posts I describe myself as a "Solitary Man", because it is true.

It is hard for almost all of us. Who knows, maybe we both will stumble across a post that presents the magic solution to our problems? Until then I will continue to try and minimize my difficulties.

 

[Suzanne]

My faith, being one of Jehovah's Witnesses, has helped me to understand the art of making friends. I have found that those I gravitate to more, are the ones, who are easier to keep up a friendship! I guess this seems pretty obvious, but actually, it has taken me some time to appreciate it and a lot of hurt feelings.

I have two friends that I call: true friends ( for me that is pretty amazing lol). One is always online and we have met, but get on better chatting online and have known each other for 4 years. In fact, she taught me the art of what friendship is.

My other true friend, is face to face and I call her that, because despite how annoying she can be, she always looks out for me and she is the only one, I can go up and hug! She taught me to separate the personality from the person. She really is a pain, but I cannot help but love her very much.

There are friends, who care and get in touch with me, unprompted and I feel comfortable chatting with them and even within friends, there are lesser friends, who I get on with, but not completely myself.

I read a quote not long ago and found it brilliant: just get a person to talk about themselves and they will listen to their heart's content!

It is difficult striking up a friendship with ones that just answer in: yes or no and well, I particularly don't wish to have them as friends lol

I get on best with ones who are not afraid to be themselves but also who can laugh and be silly. One friend, who is going to clean our van for us, wrote in the dust: soon I will be clean and I put: YEAH with a smilie face.

I have also learned that despite always hating being ignored of disliked, that actually, there are some I dislike and that helps to defuse the situation for me.

There is this one woman who does not like me very much ( I can read it - learned to read people very well), but I forced myself to say hi in a bright voice and smiling and she did smile back and say hello and use my name, but in a very polite way and then, hugged my good friend. I have contemplated that she is actually jealous of me and honestly would love to ask her why lol but that is the only conclusion I come to, on how she looks at me! Needless to say, I feel very uncomfortable in her company and feel that my mask is on very much with her.

I will never be one to have tons of friends, but I am ok with that: I prefer one or two who make me laugh and feel comfortable, then tons of make me put on my mask!

 

[watersprite]

All the above is good. I hope you, Ant1986 figure this out in the shortest amount of time possible. Having no friends my lifetime is what finally pushed me to seek and receive a diagnosis. Like today, I can find myself in a sad mood due to this issue, but there are ways to be at peace with it as well. Best to you.

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

First, know who you are and love yourself.

Second, do not try to deceive yourself or others.

Third, friends, like water seeks its own level, find people similar to yourself.

Fourth,Hang with us, you will find friends here.

My personal caution, every person you allow into your life increases the drama and complexity of your life. It is much better to have a few good close friends than many friends, in my opinion. Keep posting!

 

[Ant1986]

Thank you all very much for you opinions and advice it really dos mean alot to me . I sorta get what you mean kestrel sumtimes my mood gets very low only thing that takes my mind off it is go for a drive works half the time. And thanks epicurean pariah for them tips I do alredy kinda try them. I think I no my self not 100% tho but I'm geting there and the love myself part I'm finding that really hard its so much easyer seid then don I like my self in away but lov far from one day I might but at this time I'm far off.. that last bit about the more friends it increases the dreama I not fort of it that way b4 but you sure are right about that. At the min I'm just tryin keep positive the last few days bin lookin for a hobby not found one yet tho but I'm not giving up

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

Thank you all very much for you opinions and advice it really dos mean alot to me . I sorta get what you mean kestrel sumtimes my mood gets very low only thing that takes my mind off it is go for a drive works half the time. And thanks epicurean pariah for them tips I do alredy kinda try them. I think I no my self not 100% tho but I'm geting there and the love myself part I'm finding that really hard its so much easyer seid then don I like my self in away but lov far from one day I might but at this time I'm far off.. that last bit about the more friends it increases the dreama I not fort of it that way b4 but you sure are right about that. At the min I'm just tryin keep positive the last few days bin lookin for a hobby not found one yet tho but I'm not giving up

Ant, do find an interest or hobby. How to choose a hobby, well just think about all your possibilities. Go and find a place real or in your mind to be comfortable and at peace. Go there and think about it, only you really knows you.
What do you do well,
What do you like,
What are your skills. I suggest starting small, buy used if you can. Do your best work. Listen to your critics as well as your fans.

Many here are highly educated, many are artists. Many may offer advice.
The thinking about what, points a path to how, when and where perhaps even who. The plan is easy. The first step can be tough. It must be done, your plan, your life.
Keep posting, others may offer better ideas, other solutions.

 

[Datura]

So now tryin find ways of making new ones finding it hard tho some ppl say ask things to make convo iv tryed this think might b how i come across?

This could be true. Many factors may effect how people perceive you. Posture, mannerisms, fashion sens, grooming, vocal cadence, eye contact and body odor can all drastically change people's willingness to intereact with you. Not having met you I cannot say weather any of these factors are pertinent in your case, but people on the spectrum often have issues in one or more of these areas. Then again, to what extent do you want to change who you are to please others?

 

[Ant1986]

I'm trying to epicurean pariah I'm best with my hands uset to be in to motorbikes fixing them up and things might try getting back in to that I uset to really enjoy doing it just at the min finding it hard to concentrate on one thing for long. I get where your comeing from dature. It's defo not the way I look I dress and look alright and I sorta got a thing for aftershave so I don't smell lol. I think it's more my mannerisms and my eye contact and just have no confidence in my voice. It's hard to put in to words I'm not lookin to change myself I just want try lean how how talk to new pepal In a friendly way to make friends If I try talking to new pepal i feel most the time they take me the wrong way..I'm sure il make sum sooner or later I don't give up easy thanks to all you hew commented on this means alot glad I found you all on here

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

I'm trying to epicurean pariah I'm best with my hands uset to be in to motorbikes fixing them up and things might try getting back in to that I uset to really enjoy doing it just at the min finding it hard to concentrate on one thing for long. I get where your comeing from dature. It's defo not the way I look I dress and look alright and I sorta got a thing for aftershave so I don't smell lol. I think it's more my mannerisms and my eye contact and just have no confidence in my voice. It's hard to put in to words I'm not lookin to change myself I just want try lean how how talk to new pepal In a friendly way to make friends If I try talking to new pepal i feel most the time they take me the wrong way..I'm sure il make sum sooner or later I don't give up easy thanks to all you hew commented on this means alot glad I found you all on here

Ant, if you do what you love, then it's not work..... So do what you love, never work a day, and the money may just come to you. Others appreciate the work of people that care for what they do.