How To Keep Calm and NOT Have a Valium

[HelloDizzy]

Things at home (the place I've been living for 7 months, my boyfriend and his family) are a bit awry. It's due to religious conflicts really - I bought some yogurt which didn't have THEIR preferred "kosher" symbol on it, and my boyfriend stuck up for me. Then the mother decided to go insane about other things. If you know anything about Jewish Orthodox families...you can guess. I'm not even supposed to live with my boyfriend until we're married.

But another long-lived issue with me is that I had an angel statue. It wasn't technically against Jewish law to have it because it had no face and didn't look like the real 6-winged angels mentioned in Judaism. It's wasn't an "idol." It had a poem on it to comfort me about my dead mother and dead best friend.
I got so sick of the drama about it I took it outside last night and destroyed it. I smashed it into pieces. I threw everything out but the head.
I also destroyed my other, smaller angel. Broke its head off, hands, wings... now it's sitting on my nightstand. Looks very Dexter-esque.

I have college coming up in 10 days. I haven't been around people in years, not like this. I don't know anyone, I have no sense of direction and it is a BIG campus (to me.) I'm horrible at social settings. Too much light, too much noise...

I've been taking more Valium than prescribed due to the anxiety and impending fear of doom. I don't even have the courage to walk to the pharmacy for hair dye to do my hair. I can't even do laundry.
I self-injured the other night, bad enough for stitches, although I'm not getting them because I know how to take care of them myself.

I don't know how the hell to keep myself calm. Only thing which ever worked without pills is pretending to be overly cocky. I've always been a nervous and panicky person although you can't detect it from the outside.

 

[epath13]

Is it possible for you to find a therapist? I've just been thinking about you the other day and how much pain you must have been through. Sometimes people on the spectrum and not even us, those who are used to take care of themselves most of the time as well, don't realize how much they really hurt. I can't quite explain it but doesn't matter... sometimes we think we can take care of ourselves but there comes a moment when help of an understanding person or a professional can make a huge difference. I'm wondering, do you think that your anxiety might have been partially caused by the traumatic experiences in your life, if it is so, I don't think any medication can help you... If it's sensory overload, then choosing the right medication can be tricky as well.

As for keeping yourself calm. When I was younger, I considered myself a nervous freak. It felt like I was always walking on glass, something like that, everything was too much. When I realized that medication or alcohol are just temporary fixes (after a while alcohol made everything worse actually), I had to find another solution. It took me a while to figure things out, but in the end I came to terms with me being that way. I told myself that it's OK to feel that way, yes it's weird and uncomfortable but it's fine. Plus I started to meditate, it could keep me calm for a long time. Another thing is - when I got diagnosed, I realized that most of the time my "nervousness" was caused by sensory overload and when I was able to pinpoint the triggers it became easier to deal with the issue.

Do you tell you boyfriend how you feel, what's going on inside of you?

 

[NeverEnder]

Things at home (the place I've been living for 7 months, my boyfriend and his family) are a bit awry. It's due to religious conflicts really - I bought some yogurt which didn't have THEIR preferred "kosher" symbol on it, and my boyfriend stuck up for me. Then the mother decided to go insane about other things. If you know anything about Jewish Orthodox families...you can guess. I'm not even supposed to live with my boyfriend until we're married.

But another long-lived issue with me is that I had an angel statue. It wasn't technically against Jewish law to have it because it had no face and didn't look like the real 6-winged angels mentioned in Judaism. It's wasn't an "idol." It had a poem on it to comfort me about my dead mother and dead best friend.
I got so sick of the drama about it I took it outside last night and destroyed it. I smashed it into pieces. I threw everything out but the head.
I also destroyed my other, smaller angel. Broke its head off, hands, wings... now it's sitting on my nightstand. Looks very Dexter-esque.

I have college coming up in 10 days. I haven't been around people in years, not like this. I don't know anyone, I have no sense of direction and it is a BIG campus (to me.) I'm horrible at social settings. Too much light, too much noise...

I've been taking more Valium than prescribed due to the anxiety and impending fear of doom. I don't even have the courage to walk to the pharmacy for hair dye to do my hair. I can't even do laundry.
I self-injured the other night, bad enough for stitches, although I'm not getting them because I know how to take care of them myself.

I don't know how the hell to keep myself calm. Only thing which ever worked without pills is pretending to be overly cocky. I've always been a nervous and panicky person although you can't detect it from the outside.

I hear you. I feel you. I am living in a bit of a stressful situation myself.

I only feel best after I take a Klonipin; In fact, I feel almost "normal". I just had to take one a few minutes ago.

I do not like having to rely on a substance for my sanity, though, but it does help.

You and I sound very much alike (The more I read about what you share, here).

Life is rough, tough and bloody awful sometimes. That's all I can say right now.

Take care of yourself.

EDIT: And, last night, I took a Xanax - It did not really do anything but made me very hungry and I binged on chocolate then passed out. Me taking a Xanax? Looks like I'm up to my old ways again. I hope not. :wacko:

-Matthew-

 

[HelloDizzy]

epath13 - I have been to so, so many therapists - none have helped. My most recent one, he had two PHD's and was a psychoanalysis but he treated me more like a student than a patient. He was just too taken aback by my psychological knowledge. I don't know if therapy is for me.
I think it is actually more sensory overload than anything, plus stress factors at home. If I can't be at peace where I live, and I'm not, I won't feel okay. Alcohol makes me feel better but I'm not 21 quite yet so I can't get it as much as I'd like, plus, it's a temporary fix as you said. I need my liver.
When I tell my boyfriend, he becomes somewhat belligerent. It "doesn't make sense" to feel the way I feel or he "doesn't get it" or "it's stressful for him to hear about it." With my mom being dead and my best friend having been murdered, I'm left with no one to talk to.

NeverEnder - I also feel the best after taking Klonopin. But I HATE relying on anything. I don't want to NEED a pill. Much less heavily addictive pills.
Xanax - I was on that. It worked great. For a few hours. Then I'd have to take more, and it never lasted the full month. Just like Valium.

I have noticed we are very similar as well =) Sorry about that lol.

 

[Spinning Compass]

Wow . . . it sounds like you are in a bit of a jam. Please don't take this the wrong way, but now might be a good time to take a serious look at your relationship and where it is going. Frankly, I am surprised that your boyfriend's mom allows you two to be living under her roof the way she feels. My mother is Catholic and she feels the same way. The only difference is she would not allow it to happen under her roof. I shall spare you the scene that happened when my sister got pregnant out of wedlock. Trust me, it wasn't pretty.

Is it possible for the two of you to move out on your own? Because I can tell you from personal experience these conflicts will not go away. And, I know it doesn't sound romantic and all that, but when you get involved with someone, it isn't just you and them on some little island somewhere. Far from it. As you are learning now, the rest of the family comes right along. That's fine if everyone's on the same page, but if they aren't . . .

When my parents first got married they started out living in his mother's house. Not only were there religious differences (Catholic-Protestant), but apparently my father's mom ruled the roost. It became VERY clear early in their marriage that my mother came second and his mother came first. My mother finally put her foot down and said something to the effect that if we don't get our own place, the marriage is over (a brave thing to say in the 1950's, especially if you are Catholic). So they moved out and that did save the marriage--somewhat. I'm not saying this to scare you, but a relationship can be a very complicated thing, and if issues and resentments are allowed to simmer (as they have in my parents' marriage for 50 some years), the end result isn't pretty.

The fact that you are so stressed out you are on medication should be a warning sign. It sounds like boyfriend isn't willing or able to stand up to Mom, which he needs to do. BOTH of you need to decide to put your relationship FIRST. Have you brought up these issues with his mom to him, and how has he reacted? Does he defend her? If so, that may be the answer you need to know. Trust me, it won't get better on its own.

 

[Spinning Compass]

Also, I read what you said about your boyfriend becoming belligerent when you tried to bring up issues. That is also not a good sign. In fact, if it were me, and I was with a guy who talked like that, all my nerves would be screaming RUN!

I have seen too many young women get mixed up in really bad (like as in violent, like in he tried to kill me/push me out of a moving car/knock me down the stairs) relationships. (And yet they will not leave--why?) I could go on in gory detail about some of the young women I know. There are warning signs. The problem is, we women are not taught to pay attention to them. Being belligerent and not being sensitive to what you are going through is a BIG RED FLAG.

It sounds like you have had a lot of pain in your life with your mom and your best friend. You do not need a boyfriend who is unstable on top of that. I do not want to see you end up like some of the young women I know. I do not want to hear that your boyfriend got "belligerent" and put you in the hospital.

I know that living on your own takes a lot of courage and is very scary. And I am not going to BS you, it does get damn lonely at times. But I'd rather be lonely and know that I can sleep safely in my own bed at night. I'd rather be alone than have to tiptoe around unpredictable volatile people, and take medicine to dampen down my god-given senses. No, I am not a big one for taking drugs. I know that it is fashionable to say these days that depression and other things are caused by chemical imbalances. But how do the chemicals get imbalanced in the first place? If you are experiencing stress to that degree then your body is telling you something very important and you need to listen to it.

 

[NeverEnder]

epath13 - I have been to so, so many therapists - none have helped. My most recent one, he had two PHD's and was a psychoanalysis but he treated me more like a student than a patient. He was just too taken aback by my psychological knowledge. I don't know if therapy is for me.
I think it is actually more sensory overload than anything, plus stress factors at home. If I can't be at peace where I live, and I'm not, I won't feel okay. Alcohol makes me feel better but I'm not 21 quite yet so I can't get it as much as I'd like, plus, it's a temporary fix as you said. I need my liver.
When I tell my boyfriend, he becomes somewhat belligerent. It "doesn't make sense" to feel the way I feel or he "doesn't get it" or "it's stressful for him to hear about it." With my mom being dead and my best friend having been murdered, I'm left with no one to talk to.

NeverEnder - I also feel the best after taking Klonopin. But I HATE relying on anything. I don't want to NEED a pill. Much less heavily addictive pills.
Xanax - I was on that. It worked great. For a few hours. Then I'd have to take more, and it never lasted the full month. Just like Valium.

I have noticed we are very similar as well =) Sorry about that lol.

Sorry about what?

 

[Spinning Compass]

Also, how close are you to 21? In some states (like Michigan) you are a legal adult at 18. Now, what kind of education do you have, what kind of job skills? Because I can tell you also that there is nothing that beats the satisfaction of being able to stand on your own two feet and take care of yourself. To do that you absolutely, positively need job skills and/or an education. In fact, I'd make that your Number One priority, forget the boyfriend and his family drama. You deserve better than that, but nobody's going to hand it to you. You will have to fight for it.

If you don't have a high school diploma, sign up for GED. Find out what kinds of job skills are in demand in your area. Work on getting yourself together. You don't really need a psychiatrist/psychologist for all that. There are places that offer job counseling, educational counseling. I belong to a fantastic organization called International Association of Administrative Professionals (IAAP) which offers a lot of training. I have learned so much by being involved with them. There are other volunteer organizations that can help you get skills and confidence and get you out of this situation and put you on a road to one that is much better.

 

[HelloDizzy]

The mother is actually fine with me living here - it's the fact that he sleeps in the same room as me, although that isn't one of her main issues. Her main issue right now is that my boyfriend DIDN'T take her side. He sees both sides - me wanting privacy, and it being her house and "her rules" but he agrees that it's just not copacetic.
He has his accounting degree and has been looking for jobs for FOUR YEARS. It's insane how hard it is to get a degree.
As soon as he gets a job and has enough money, we're getting an apartment, and my trust fund will help pay as well as his salary.

His mother is very stressed with two jobs and a daughter-in-law who uses her as a babysitter, she doesn't use logic, she uses emotion, and she's going through menopause. She doesn't have a direct issue with me - it's with my boyfriend. Usually these fights last no more than a week and I hope it's the case with this one.
I just can't stand it when people talk over eachother and act juvenile because they interpreted someones tone as "rude." He just offered to help bring in groceries and she was extremely rude and refused help.

I lived on my own in Louisiana for eight months before running away to NY. Had my own apartment, felt just fine. I lived in the ghetto, only white person there - I am very much not afraid to be on my own.
My boyfriend doesn't mean to be belligerent. He isn't abusive. He tries to be supportive but it frustrates him that he can't UNDERSTAND what it feels like to be me. He has said on several occasions he wishes he could exchange brains with me for a week to see what it's like.


Luckily, he's also not judging me for quitting strict religious observance. I wasn't raised religious, I did it for 6 months while here, and seeing how psychotic and hypocritical people are and claim to be pious has turned me off to religion all together. I took down all of my Jewish decorations in my room, I've started wearing pants again instead of only long skirts, etc.

Now it's a waiting game. A semester of good grades will get me help with an apartment from my family, and a job for my boyfriend will definitely set us on our way.
In the meantime...I am stressed out. Also trying to recover from an eating disorder. I don't eat when I'm stressed so it's going to be hard to stay on track with recovery when my body wants to reject food.

--
I have my GED and am starting college full-time in 10 days. This is where my income is from - my family. There is no way I'd be able to hold a job and do well in college. Any of my own income is from the novel I published which is in my siggy.

 

[epath13]

talking about psychoanalysis been there... I was a huge fan of the system and thought it was a panacea against all the troubles... well I was wrong I was talking more about counselor type to deal with trauma and loss, things like that. Someone who doesn't judge or has a system per se...
As someone has said already moving out of the parents' house could definitely make thing easier but if it doesn't look like an option you can always look at the whole situation as at a learning experience, how to deal with difficult people under difficult circumstances... it might sound weird, to some people my approach does appear weird sometimes... but well, it's just an opinion.
You're a strong woman, and it's a good thing that you're not shutting down but sharing with others, I believe you'll figure it out.

 

[HelloDizzy]

Sorry about what?

Sorry you're similar to me =P Haha, it can indeed be a burden, the way we are.

 

[HelloDizzy]

Thanks, epath13. For now things calmed down a little although last night I was kind of mentally wounded over and over.
Started with me not kissing "correctly." Apparently I'm a tongue person.
Then went to me being all kinds of not good. Several hour fight.

Bleh.

 

[NeverEnder]

Thanks, epath13. For now things calmed down a little although last night I was kind of mentally wounded over and over.
Started with me not kissing "correctly." Apparently I'm a tongue person.
Then went to me being all kinds of not good. Several hour fight.

Bleh.

That sounds bad. Fighting and such. Bickering over stupid sh*t, too.

Love comes together at times and then suddenly cracks under strain, misunderstanding and expectations.

-Matthew-

 

[HelloDizzy]

Problem is, I don't ask for much. Give me attention and don't say or do anything to make me jealous.
Apparently, I need to be wonder-woman-barbie.

There is a slight possibility he decided to keep talking to me and eventually bring me to NY based on my looks.
Which I don't get, as I'm kind of ugly.

I don't know.

 

[Spinning Compass]

I don't mean to sound preachy, but if you are having these kinds of fights over something "minor" like kissing, what will happen when something major comes up? Please, take a look at what you've described before you start defending him to us. I'd hate to see you get trapped in a volatile, go nowhere relationship. And it sounds like you are very vulnerable. There are people who make it their life's mission to prey on people like you.

About that trust fund--be very careful who you allow access to it, even be very careful who you tell about it. It wouldn't hurt to learn all you can about personal finance. I know from sad and bitter experience that money you thought you had, money you were counting on, can disappear overnight with little or no warning due to circumstances you have no control over. I lost a great deal of money due to embezzlement, and the man who did it is still walking around free with no regard to the lives he ruined in this manner. And there is nothing anyone could do about it.

 

[Spinning Compass]

No, you don't need to be Wonder Woman/Barbie. Especially not Barbie! You need to learn to appreciate yourself enough so that you don't waste your time on people who don't appreciate you and want to make you into someone you are not. What you need to learn is EMPOWERMENT. It sounds like you have poor self-esteem (so do I), plus you've been thrown some really big whammies in your life. There are a lot of strong women out there, learn from them.

As far as college goes, I totally agree with the not being able to work and go to school at the same time. Some people can do it. Many others, who you never hear about, can't. I was one who couldn't. That said, you aren't going to be able to concentrate on the things you need to be concentrating on (education) if you have all this drama in your life, either. School is a LOT of hard work, and if you are not around people who are supportive of you and your goals, you might as well hand over your tuition money to them, because otherwise it will all be wasted. There are people out there who like to sabotage others' efforts to improve themselves, and it sounds like this is that type of situation. When you need quiet time to study, that's when they will pick a fight and get you emotionally upset. What you have seen so far is just the beginning.

You need to decide what your goals and dreams are in life, because if you don't life will decide them for you, and not always in ways you like.

 

[HelloDizzy]

Thank you for your support but I do feel like I've demonized him a bit. We have had more major issues than just kissing or my lack of talking, such as discussions of his colitis and possible future colon cancer, to my Aspergers and eating disorders. He's not all bad. He tries to convince me I'm a good person even though I deny it with some odd pride.

As far as the trust fund goes - I don't tell many people about it, it's for my college so I can get my pHd, a house, and start a fund for my kids. I have specific goals - pHd, marriage, kids, publish more novels, win a Nobel Prize.
All I have going for me is my 163 - 182 IQ. The tests since age 11 have all said different things, but always in that range.
I do question whether this will work. My liking alcohol like a regular Southern girl bothers him, my random liking of Dijarum Blacks, my not being SOOO clean cut it's sickening... I bring these things up.

I hate "not being good enough."
I have horrible self esteem and am also somehow conceited.

 

[epath13]

Thank you for your support but I do feel like I've demonized him a bit. We have had more major issues than just kissing or my lack of talking, such as discussions of his colitis and possible future colon cancer, to my Aspergers and eating disorders. He's not all bad. He tries to convince me I'm a good person even though I deny it with some odd pride.

As far as the trust fund goes - I don't tell many people about it, it's for my college so I can get my pHd, a house, and start a fund for my kids. I have specific goals - pHd, marriage, kids, publish more novels, win a Nobel Prize.
All I have going for me is my 163 - 182 IQ. The tests since age 11 have all said different things, but always in that range.
I do question whether this will work. My liking alcohol like a regular Southern girl bothers him, my random liking of Dijarum Blacks, my not being SOOO clean cut it's sickening... I bring these things up.

I hate "not being good enough."
I have horrible self esteem and am also somehow conceited.

Is there something about him that bothers you? And... Does he tell you that he loves you? Do you think you love him? Does he see future with you and you with him? 7 months is nothing, sometimes it takes years to accept each other differences and come to terms with something that you don't like. And when you live with in-laws it's hard to say how relationships are going to be when you guys are by yourselves. It could be, that right now he's under influence of his mother, whether she says something or not. Willingness to accept might come after years of being together and in some cases it never comes, that's why couples get divorced. It's a risk, it's always a risk no matter how happy relationships might seem in the beginning. But unhappiness in relationships sometimes can be partially caused by inability to accept yourself. It is a good sign that he sees you as a good person, and I personally hope that one day you will see it yourself.
Do you think that people who loved you in the past saw you that way as well? Do you think you could try to see yourself through the eyes of people who loved you?
Right now you're building your future, and I believe you can build a wonderful future for yourself. Try to concentrate on that, because sometimes when you concentrate on negative too much, life passes by and the future, that you've thought is in your hands escapes.

I personally don't like giving people advice, many misinterpret what I say or don't like it...not sure why , but sometimes I just can't help myself well hope it wasn't too much for you

 

[Spinning Compass]

I agree with what Epath13 is saying. I do want to add that while getting a Ph.D. is a worthy goal, it is a goal that requires a hefty commitment of time, money and hard work. I am sure that if my sister, who has a Ph.D. in psychology, were reading this she would agree that if you want it to happen you must make it a priority and that means you may have to sacrifice some things to achieve that goal. And that she would probably say that your present living situation is not compatible with this goal. You didn't say what you want to get your Ph.D. in, but I do hope that given the time and expense involved, it is something marketable.

 

[Spinning Compass]

Also, I do hope that you are using a reliable method of birth control, and using it faithfully. My sister was told by her doctor that because of her physical handicap, it was unlikely that she would ever get pregnant. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. She went off to college, met a boy who turned her head with all kinds of sweet words and promises that he would marry her if she got pregnant. Wrong Again. She told him she was pregnant, he disappeared leaving her to face the wrath of my parents ALONE. Not pretty at all. They made her give her child up for adoption. She really had no choice as there was no way she could take care of a child on her own and they were not willing to play grandparents when they already had their hands full dealing with a difficult situation with my grandparents. Abortion was out of the question knowing my family; I suppose she could have gone off to a clinic but she had no money and no transportation. My sister is still pretty bitter about how that was handled. Like you, my sister is highly intelligent, so I was absolutely floored when this happened. She knew the facts of life yet still chose to play pregnancy roulette. And I say CHOSE. Please do not do the same. You do not need the heartbreak of having to deal with an unscheduled pregnancy.