How do you deal with crushes?

[Ereth]

It's probably a good thing I met my boyfriend online . . . otherwise I'd have followed him around like a puppy as I've done with all my other crushes.

 

[Madame Catfish]

Not sure how to deal with them yet. I've always had non-sexual "crushes" on many of the intelligent women I know, but now I'm finding that these crushes are becoming increasingly romantic. Unfortunately, those I tend to "crush" over are
A. Often mentor/teacher figures and B. Straight.
I live in an extremely conservative area and don't know any girls with the same romantic tendencies as me, so crushes are extremely futile. I love more mature and intelligent women, so I tend to gravitate towards my instructors rather than my peers, which is inherently aggravating.

In short: I don't. I don't deal with crushes, or at least I try not to.
At my current place and time I find that it best to suppress them- especially since "coming out" in our small community would be both a disaster for myself and extremely selfish.

 

[Lena_C]

Escape.
I ran away from all of them.
I think I'm too autistic to start a relationship.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I enjoy them when they happen and try not to do anything stupid until they burn out. I subliminate whenever possible using special interests or work. I play with the 9 kinds of love chart Slithytoves published somewhere on this site and watch myself progress (or ping-pong) through multiple varieties of them. And I remember that the feelings are mine, not mutual. This is one place where a healthy helping of Philautia (self-love based on self-respect) is a genuinely good thing and ludos (playful love) has just pushed out Pragma (mature love) for a few months.

 

[Flinty]

Invent new mistakes to screw them up. At least I don't repeat the old ones.

 

[Jendellian]

I try not to develop them because when they do happen, l will obsess over them like crazy. The person I'm crushing on will be the only thing I think about.

 

[Suiseiseki]

Nothing I don't talk to them, and if I know them, I gradually just become more and more distant so they don't realize what is going on.
Most dates I went on ended badly, one ended... okay apart from I really didn't like her.
I didn't see her again and don't talk to her anymore.
There's a girl I didn't hold any romantic feelings towards but had a friends with benefit thing going on, and that ended.
Nothing on bad terms.
There's another girl who seems a bit open to that idea, I don't like her romantically at all either.
No one I've slept with or tried to sleep with have I held any feelings towards, and they're all... similar enough sorts of people (people I am vastly smarter then, though my bizarre ways makes them not want to commit to me my kindness, which is largely genuine, makes them, it's always been them, offer the FWB thing).
I can't remember the last time I legit liked anyone, I was accused of liking someone, someone's girlfriend, and I don't.
Personally I don't see that friendship carrying on too much longer... for a short while they were the closest friends I ever had.
Now it's only distance and annoyance.

 

[Slithytoves]

I get ephemeral crushes all the time, for all kinds of reasons, so I don't take them seriously. I just enjoy the feeling of "crushing" on someone while it lasts. It's a nice distraction. I have a couple of friends I'll be harmlessly crushing on forever, and that energy makes those relationships more stimulating. Those crushes aren't anything that competes with the humongous crush I have on my husband at least once a week, so no harm done. I think most people -- single or married -- get a little infatuated with other people at least now and then.

When someone gets a crush on me, my response depends on my relationship status. Now that I'm married I just gently fend it off. I'm also always aware of my own tendencies I stated above, so I don't automatically assume someone else's crush is anything they would want to turn into something more serious.

People just like to play and tease. It feels good to feel good.

 

[On the Inside]

I usually try to be around them in some way (they are invariably for someone I see regularly) and try very hard to not let them know in any way that I have a crush on them. I find crushes excruciating, but can't seem to stop developing them and they can last a long time. Years in some cases.

 

[ancusmitis]

I have a few different ways, but all of them are bad. All three times I was in a relationship were flukes, and due primarily to the machinations of people other than myself. More than likely, the next person I'm with will be someone I know off of the internets. If I end up meeting anyone.

 

[Nisk]

Hmm it's been a longtime since I've really recognized when someone was crushing on me, when I did I would usually end up sleeping with them for a bit and then we'd just drift apart. When I had a crush while in a relationship I would do nothing and change nothing I was doing. When I had a crush on someone before a relationship I would usually awkwardly make advances or try to impress them in someway. Most of the girls I've been with showed an interest in me first before I tried to much.

 

[NlGHTgirl]

Interesting ideas to ponder here....... He usually stares at me until I stare back....... (replace "Stare" with "gaze lovingly"? longingly?) Then, hmmmm.... well...... Hopefully, She smiles, eyes wide, breathless, enjoys feeling butterflies and happiness in anticipation of (almost) or potentially interacting with this crush....... He would need to identify his wants/needs to pursue anything. So, Her job is to say "yes". I don't know how well Aspies (or people in general) can always identify feelings? and communicate affectively?

Crushes are generally a super good thing. This one person crush keeps me SAFE from potential infection (ew, huh?), Disease (EEK!!!!!!!!) and pregnancy (YIKES!!!!)! (I suppose the potential is there...... that..... crushes could leave a person feeling unfulfilled or unsatisfied?) However, It does not always leave me feeling that way. I'm good with the celibacy, for the most part!!!!!!! There are scientific hormones that can wreck havoc on a person's logic sometimes. (teen years, and 30-40 yr old females?). Perhaps, fantasy is better than reality? I'm starting to think that: everything celibacy or marriage might be said for sharing, useful, helpful, support people, friends, life long companions, taking care of people, house mates, shared expenses, (No dates/ friends with benefits!!! That does not help me!!!) shared benefits only of marriage. People seem to need people. I don't know? Seems like the marriage benefits outweigh the risks right now!!!!!!! definitely ten years. maybe up to 20 yrs? Maybe forever.

VERY Interesting point about the mistakes not to be repeated?????? I give. I am too happy. I love too much!!!!!!! I don't know, but one could predict that it might be possible for me/(females- generalization?) to make mistakes? I am merely human?

 

[Maiasaura]

I have the problem if it's the other way around, I can never believe it and just assume it's a joke. This may well have happened in the past. I never quite figure out the difference between play sarcasm or if it's genuine.

Me too I'm married now--happily for 15 years. But in all the time leading up to that I had the same feeling. I dated a little (very very little) but at some point I just began to assume that any fellow who made eye contact with me couldn't possibly be serious about it. In my memory I've never been knowingly pranked or shamed this way. But even now I don't make eye contact with people and especially men. I don't need or want to flirt with anyone else besides my husband. But the neurological pattern to avoid male gaze remains as strong as ever...

 

[NlGHTgirl]

Me too I'm married now--happily for 15 years. But in all the time leading up to that I had the same feeling. I dated a little (very very little) but at some point I just began to assume that any fellow who made eye contact with me couldn't possibly be serious about it. In my memory I've never been knowingly pranked or shamed this way. But even now I don't make eye contact with people and especially men. I don't need or want to flirt with anyone else besides my husband. But the neurological pattern to avoid male gaze remains as strong as ever...

Agree. I would not want to flirt with anyone besides my husband! I don't understand people who do that either. who knows? It definitely might be said that I lack eye contact with men, even women. Not sure this neurological pattern to avoid gaze helps general communication skills? I agree that I would not want to attract the wrong male attention! I'm not married. I'm supposed to be open. Maybe a person will find me.... a non judgmental positive helper support person like your husband. Maybe just a friend? Who knows?

curious if the man was making eye contact with some other female anatomy? Is that a good sign or a bad sign? supposed to frown, being treated like an object? smile, because he thinks they are pretty? I decide neutral? Politely pretend I don't notice. What do you think? So many men do that. randomly. OH. I know. I guess I was supposed to smile if I liked him????? OH GEES.... moment...... (giggles, silly self, what else can you do?) So, How did you end up married? (How does anyone end up married?) Was this a crush? He approached you? Married or not married, the men always looking at women bodies? and always having secret crush, even when married?

 

[Maiasaura]

curious if the man was making eye contact with some other female anatomy? Is that a good sign or a bad sign? supposed to frown, being treated like an object? smile, because he thinks they are pretty? I decide neutral? Politely pretend I don't notice. What do you think? So many men do that. randomly. OH. I know. I guess I was supposed to smile if I liked him????? OH GEES.... moment...... (giggles, silly self, what else can you do?) So, How did you end up married? (How does anyone end up married?) Was this a crush? He approached you? Married or not married, the men always looking at women bodies? and always having secret crush, even when married?

Seriously knowing what I know now about how I must have been perceived 20+ years ago I have NO IDEA how my husband figured out i was interested The best I can say is that 'THE ONE' is someone who can see beyond all the barriers you put up; someone who is willing to dig deeper than the surface because they see what no one else does and makes you feel OK about showing off your best qualities without judging them first. And that's definitely the guy I married

 

[Jambo_nick]

Hi,

I was wondering if you'd share how you deal with crushes? I think it's hard at the best of times, but being autistic or an aspie can make it really hard to know what is acceptable behaviour. So please share your experiences or wisdom for the benefit of others.

I try and get to know them more. See if they like me back. If they don't, the crush fades pretty quickly. If they don't like you back then it's pointless. There's plenty other people out there!

 

[donn]

I like what Slithytoves and Jambo_nick are saying. Recognize what it is you want out of a crush, a relationship, an enjoyment of the feeling itself, casual sex, or maybe you want to kill off that tingling sensation altogether? Whatever it is, figure out what you want and act accordingly - in a way that recognizes the other person involved too, of course!

I get ephemeral crushes all the time, for all kinds of reasons, so I don't take them seriously. I just enjoy the feeling of "crushing" on someone while it lasts. It's a nice distraction. I have a couple of friends I'll be harmlessly crushing on forever, and that energy makes those relationships more stimulating. Those crushes aren't anything that competes with the humongous crush I have on my husband at least once a week, so no harm done. I think most people -- single or married -- get a little infatuated with other people at least now and then.

When someone gets a crush on me, my response depends on my relationship status. Now that I'm married I just gently fend it off. I'm also always aware of my own tendencies I stated above, so I don't automatically assume someone else's crush is anything they would want to turn into something more serious.

People just like to play and tease. It feels good to feel good.

I try and get to know them more. See if they like me back. If they don't, the crush fades pretty quickly. If they don't like you back then it's pointless. There's plenty other people out there!