How do you cope?

[LikeyouToMe]

Hey peoples,

This is prob gonna be all over the place but here it goes. How do you cope with your problems? I struggle to understand the way my mind works, why I always think the worst and my mind always brings up really awful situations that could happen but is pretty unlikely which makes me sad and even more down than I already am. I struggle to understand the way my wife acts (even though never out of malice) sometimes and her completly utterly avoiding being intimate with me and it's pretty much a fight to have any contact with her phsyically.

I'm having a bad day and just wish I could f**king run away into the arms of someone who will give me what I feel like I need

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[Megan]

Have you tried directly asking her about this? I think it's the best way to put the crazy scenarios in your head to rest. And if there does turn out to be a big issue, at least you know and can then deal with it instead of wondering and speculating.

I don't understand how my mind works either. I know some emotions and thoughts are very ineffective towards my goal of happiness, so I try to identify them, validate them, "check the facts", and use some kind of coping skill such as any "distress tolerance" to alleviate them. (That is what I learned in therapy. )

 

[Soup]

I doubt that anyone truly understands everything about the way their mind works. As for how I cope with problems, I have different strategies depending upon the problem I'm dealing with. I don't know either yourself or your wife but I think that sometimes communication styles & conflict resolution styles can vary enormously between partners. After there has been arguing, tension, misunderstandings, fights or other unpleasantness, few women apparently are able to put their feelings aside & engage in physical intimacy. This makes some sense: if you are angry at a person over something, the last thing one wants to do is to have sex with them! However, often men in the same situation seem to be able to put aside their anger enough to become intimate. Marriage psych pundits say that many guys see having sex as a form of making up or apologizing: almost like a glue that can be applied to mend a relationship rift.

I don't know if that's the case with you 2 but it is fairly a common cause of marital misunderstandings.

 

[imagesbyholly]

Well, as far as things with your wife, it's not just an aspie thing! My husband and I have the same issue even though I'm the aspie and he's normal. I'm not accusing you or my hubby of anything, but when I'm feeling like he's interested in me only for sex, I feel used and annoyed. Most women don't have the same automatic intense sex drive you men do (for example, what happens to guys in the morning...). It's probably just a miscommunication between the two of you. I don't know you guys, but if she is anything like me, I want the non sexual hand holding and hugs, I want him to look at me and listen, I want to see him help out with the kids because he obviously wants to, and if he sees I'm falling behind on housework (i'm one busy chick), and he helps gladly, man, that goes a long way to making me want to. Also, if I'm under a lot of stress and he helps me calm down and relax for a while (rather than grabbing at me the minute we are alone) we end up kissing or going for the massage thing and one thing leads to another...then he and I are both happy.

I hope that makes sense and helps you guys. Marriage is hard. But it is sooo worth the work and sacrifice! You get a love you can't find in the arms of anyone else!

And as to this, "why I always think the worst and my mind always brings up really awful situations that could happen but is pretty unlikely which makes me sad and even more down than I already am." I totally hear you. I'm the same way. Obsessive, horrifying negative thoughts that hit me like bugs hit a windshield on a highway. No fun. Nature, distracting myself with a good book or funny movie or realizing what's happening and distracting myself with something else helps. Somehow washing dishes always makes it worse for me : p

 

[LikeyouToMe]

Well, as far as things with your wife, it's not just an aspie thing! My husband and I have the same issue even though I'm the aspie and he's normal. I'm not accusing you or my hubby of anything, but when I'm feeling like he's interested in me only for sex, I feel used and annoyed. Most women don't have the same automatic intense sex drive you men do (for example, what happens to guys in the morning...). It's probably just a miscommunication between the two of you. I don't know you guys, but if she is anything like me, I want the non sexual hand holding and hugs, I want him to look at me and listen, I want to see him help out with the kids because he obviously wants to, and if he sees I'm falling behind on housework (i'm one busy chick), and he helps gladly, man, that goes a long way to making me want to. Also, if I'm under a lot of stress and he helps me calm down and relax for a while (rather than grabbing at me the minute we are alone) we end up kissing or going for the massage thing and one thing leads to another...then he and I are both happy.

I hope that makes sense and helps you guys. Marriage is hard. But it is sooo worth the work and sacrifice! You get a love you can't find in the arms of anyone else!

And as to this, "why I always think the worst and my mind always brings up really awful situations that could happen but is pretty unlikely which makes me sad and even more down than I already am." I totally hear you. I'm the same way. Obsessive, horrifying negative thoughts that hit me like bugs hit a windshield on a highway. No fun. Nature, distracting myself with a good book or funny movie or realizing what's happening and distracting myself with something else helps. Somehow washing dishes always makes it worse for me : p

Hey, thanks guys.

I am very much able to put things aside so we can be intimate but she can't and prob puts her off for days / weeks.

I do try and help with housework and such BUT the things is, she doesn't do any! I am always the one to do it all. She works from home and stays up till 1am/2am/3am/4am and gets up at 12pm or past and then carries on again. She also works every day, never giving herself a break. She now told me last night she wants to take a sabatical and just go away, but we have no money because I ave to pay for helping her run her clothing business, her petrol to go her mate's house who I can't stand, I have to pay for her cigarettes, weed and food while she is there. I also have to pay all the bills we have because the money she gest from her design work is spent in days (did I mention she got paid over ?300 for a job a week before my birthday and spent it all... before getting me anything) then waited over a week afterwards to get paid from another job to get me anything. At least I got something, but how insensitive! If that had of been me with her, I would have got SO much **** for that)

Ergh, just hate that I end up complaining about her too!

 

[imagesbyholly]

That chick needs an intervention. She obviously really needs rest- overtired and scatterbrained makes it actually harder to sleep, harder to stick to a schedule, and more compulsive. I know this from experience. Just so you know, my husband and I have been through long periods of either me acting like a moron or going through something hard, or him acting like a moron or going through something hard. You're certainly not alone. We've learned a lot through hard times. I don't know how well she or you would take to this, but a whiteboard or some other way of making a chart for housework / work schedule may be helpful. Sorry- I'm a homeschooling mom- charts and lists are my life. Disregard if this seems silly :spin:

Prayers going up for the two of you.

 

[Soup]

I agree 100% with what Holly said about your girlfriend needing an intervention. Though I support a hard-working & dedicated partner, the schedule & patterns you describe are very unhealthy. When a person is extremely over-worked & over-tired, they cannot make sound decisions & think or plan efficiently. They also become moody & almost schizoid. If she's exhausted AND smoking weed, that will compound her problems: weed is a depressant & she does sound like a depressed person.

Your girlfriend also sounds, from what you describe, like she has some impulse control issues around money. This is often much worse that the other partner truly knows & has a way of rapidly spiralling out of control. Also, a person can readily be in denial of what they're truly spending. Sometimes compulsive spending is a way of coping with depression. they call it 'retail therapy'. I call it dysfunctional.

As for what to do about it, abruptly confronting her & making a finger-jabbing accusation is obviously ill advised. You may have to observe her behaviour patterns & moods (not by skulking, lurking & staring) for a couple of weeks or so to be sure. This may be something that requires outside support. She may also discredit your opinion since you're the Aspie (& therefore daft, right?) BUT facts like overdue bills, overspending & weed-smoking are hard to deny.

 

[imagesbyholly]

A schedule and a regular bedtime are blessed things...

Also, I'm worried because recent studies have linked marijuana use to psychosis- all the more reason to approach her with gentle firmness and affectionate love. I've personally felt the buying compulsion before even though I had always been financially responsible previously- it's just stress and a muddled brain (and maybe financial munchies?)

 

[Alex Bogue]

I hear that.

 

[Cali Cat]

It sounds like your wife has some issues of her own. I'm a self-employed workaholic, too, and I don't think of anything but work for days and weeks at a time. I'm not interested in intimacy during that time either, so I can sort of relate to her situation. I have no idea if this is the case with her, but with me, I sometimes use work as an escape from other things that bother me. Maybe she is unhappy about something too. If she wants to take a holiday alone, that might be an indication she is unhappy with the relationship. Perhaps you two should get some couple's counseling?

 

[JCPHN]

Marriage is really hard. I can relate to both of your sides to the situation. All I can tell you to try and do is to remind yourself that you are you, one person, yourself, not her. When you learn not to treat her emotions as your own, you may still feel bad, but in a way that you can manage, because it comes from within. You also have to love yourself. As hard as it can be, you've always got to look out for number one. I wish you the best with your relationship and partner.