CiJo
Member
Hello!
I'm 19, I'm a college sophomore studying theater and anthropology, and I'm trying to figure out if a diagnosis of Asperger's fits me. I want to write out a few of the things I've been thinking about recently and maybe hear (read) some feedback.
During the first conversation I ever had with my now best friend, he asked me if I was mildly autistic. My response: "Um. No." A year and a half later, when he's being less of a blunt idiot and more of a caring person, he still brings it up occasionally. He thinks I may have Asperger's and cites my way of interacting with people and my good memory as his reasons.
At first, I brushed him off. I attribute my sharp recall to years of fascination with the subject of memory, and training it in order to retain lines and monologues when I'm acting. And I don't think there's anything particularly unusual about the way I interact with people. I've done some online research recently, and there are other ways I don't fit the general information or profile of a person with Asperger's that I'm aware of. I've read that people with autism or Asperger's generally tend to be more interested by mathematics or science (one of the symptoms I've read about is a fascination with numbers or statistics) and I've always tended more toward history, literature, humanities, and the arts. Though I'm not sure how important a person's interests are to a diagnosis. Is being more numbers-oriented generally true, but not a rule? Is it more important to consider how a person goes about pursuing their interests, no matter what those interests may be?
I also consider myself to be fairly emotionally intelligent and able to function well in social situations.
However, my mind has kept going back to the possibility. I've read about as many things that ring true as I have things that it seems I can explain away.
Just yesterday, when I was home from school for Thanksgiving break, I was having breakfast with two high school friends. They were at times talking around me and over me, and the years of memories from high school and middle school came crashing back--all the awkward conversations that were so like this one and always feeling somehow left behind and left out of the social maneuvers and dances that comprised teenage interactions. It's something I had always been frustrated by. I attributed it to all kinds of things--they have poor manners, or, they're closer friends, they have more shared experiences, more things to talk about that I'm not in on. It was only during this most recent occurrence that I had a different possible interpretation. Maybe I've just always been conversing on a different level than them.
I also feel like I'm never able to maintain friendships--or relationships in general--for a long time. The two old friends are people I've recently reconnected with, but was never extremely close to. I was relatively friendless during my last two years of high school, despite the fact that I consider myself to be a social and extroverted person. During my first semester of college, I was excited because I was meeting new people and (I thought) forming new friendships. I emerged from the asocial rut I found myself in during high school! And yet, later in the year I began to feel very anxious about having roommates. Being away from home and pushed out of my routines made me realize how much I relied on them. I developed a whole new set of routines surrounding laundry and personal hygiene that were far more intense than anything I'd done before. And this year I find myself speaking with very few people outside of class and work, despite the fact that I would like to socialize and make friends.
Other things that seem to match with a general profile of a person with Asperger's that I've gathered: I've always been fairly obsessive about my interests--the three longest-lasting obsessions being acting, fashion, and Sherlock Holmes. I could talk for hours about Sherlock Holmes. Also, in recent years, I've dealt with some depression, which is, I think, not in itself in indicator, but from what I understand not unusual for teens and young adults with Asperger's.
Reasons why I continue to be unsure: I feel like social situations and interacting with people aren't always confusing experiences to me. I think I function well, and can easily track a conversation and pick up on what others are intending to communicate. Though lately I've been calling this into question. I also wonder if I'm able to communicate naturally, innately, or if it helps that understanding communications and behaving in certain recognizable patterns is such a core part of acting, which is something I've been focused on for so long. Or my interest in acting maybe springs from concentrating on precise components of interaction... which came first, the chicken or the egg?
It's an interesting conundrum. I feel like thinking about myself as possibly a person with Asperger's has gone some way toward explaining some of my personality quirks, which is nice. However, I think it's possible to color otherwise innocuous behaviors, or behaviors that have other causes, as symptoms of Asperger's.
So what's your reaction to all this? Where should I go from here?
Somewhat related note: I've also been thinking about some of my older brother's personality traits in a new light, and I think a diagnosis of Asperger's might fit him as well. In many ways, even more so than it does me.
Thank you for reading my long post. I'm interested in seeing what the responses are.
I'm 19, I'm a college sophomore studying theater and anthropology, and I'm trying to figure out if a diagnosis of Asperger's fits me. I want to write out a few of the things I've been thinking about recently and maybe hear (read) some feedback.
During the first conversation I ever had with my now best friend, he asked me if I was mildly autistic. My response: "Um. No." A year and a half later, when he's being less of a blunt idiot and more of a caring person, he still brings it up occasionally. He thinks I may have Asperger's and cites my way of interacting with people and my good memory as his reasons.
At first, I brushed him off. I attribute my sharp recall to years of fascination with the subject of memory, and training it in order to retain lines and monologues when I'm acting. And I don't think there's anything particularly unusual about the way I interact with people. I've done some online research recently, and there are other ways I don't fit the general information or profile of a person with Asperger's that I'm aware of. I've read that people with autism or Asperger's generally tend to be more interested by mathematics or science (one of the symptoms I've read about is a fascination with numbers or statistics) and I've always tended more toward history, literature, humanities, and the arts. Though I'm not sure how important a person's interests are to a diagnosis. Is being more numbers-oriented generally true, but not a rule? Is it more important to consider how a person goes about pursuing their interests, no matter what those interests may be?
I also consider myself to be fairly emotionally intelligent and able to function well in social situations.
However, my mind has kept going back to the possibility. I've read about as many things that ring true as I have things that it seems I can explain away.
Just yesterday, when I was home from school for Thanksgiving break, I was having breakfast with two high school friends. They were at times talking around me and over me, and the years of memories from high school and middle school came crashing back--all the awkward conversations that were so like this one and always feeling somehow left behind and left out of the social maneuvers and dances that comprised teenage interactions. It's something I had always been frustrated by. I attributed it to all kinds of things--they have poor manners, or, they're closer friends, they have more shared experiences, more things to talk about that I'm not in on. It was only during this most recent occurrence that I had a different possible interpretation. Maybe I've just always been conversing on a different level than them.
I also feel like I'm never able to maintain friendships--or relationships in general--for a long time. The two old friends are people I've recently reconnected with, but was never extremely close to. I was relatively friendless during my last two years of high school, despite the fact that I consider myself to be a social and extroverted person. During my first semester of college, I was excited because I was meeting new people and (I thought) forming new friendships. I emerged from the asocial rut I found myself in during high school! And yet, later in the year I began to feel very anxious about having roommates. Being away from home and pushed out of my routines made me realize how much I relied on them. I developed a whole new set of routines surrounding laundry and personal hygiene that were far more intense than anything I'd done before. And this year I find myself speaking with very few people outside of class and work, despite the fact that I would like to socialize and make friends.
Other things that seem to match with a general profile of a person with Asperger's that I've gathered: I've always been fairly obsessive about my interests--the three longest-lasting obsessions being acting, fashion, and Sherlock Holmes. I could talk for hours about Sherlock Holmes. Also, in recent years, I've dealt with some depression, which is, I think, not in itself in indicator, but from what I understand not unusual for teens and young adults with Asperger's.
Reasons why I continue to be unsure: I feel like social situations and interacting with people aren't always confusing experiences to me. I think I function well, and can easily track a conversation and pick up on what others are intending to communicate. Though lately I've been calling this into question. I also wonder if I'm able to communicate naturally, innately, or if it helps that understanding communications and behaving in certain recognizable patterns is such a core part of acting, which is something I've been focused on for so long. Or my interest in acting maybe springs from concentrating on precise components of interaction... which came first, the chicken or the egg?
It's an interesting conundrum. I feel like thinking about myself as possibly a person with Asperger's has gone some way toward explaining some of my personality quirks, which is nice. However, I think it's possible to color otherwise innocuous behaviors, or behaviors that have other causes, as symptoms of Asperger's.
So what's your reaction to all this? Where should I go from here?
Somewhat related note: I've also been thinking about some of my older brother's personality traits in a new light, and I think a diagnosis of Asperger's might fit him as well. In many ways, even more so than it does me.
Thank you for reading my long post. I'm interested in seeing what the responses are.
