Fluid Apathy
Well-Known Member
Hey everyone, my name is Melissa and I was recently diagnosed by my therapist as having mild Asperger's. She went over the criteria in the DSM when I asked her why she thought the way she did and she said I fit most of the criteria. We went over it together and it definitely fit and made sense for myself and how my life has been. I also have a cleft lip and palate so I'm guessing this is why I've not been diagnosed until now. With all my other medical issues, that probably compounded my being generally shy. Plus I was pulled out of school before I could really get going with the socialization side of things. I'm sure that would have been when they would have figured things out, being that I can't make friends easily and the friends I do have say that I grew on them - I don't come across as genuinely likeable when first meeting.
Anyhow, now that I've been diagnosed I've been struggling with it. I can see criteria from the DSM in my father, my brother and my mother and while I know that they don't have all the criteria that is necessary for a diagnosis I still wonder "do more people have it?" and I find myself looking at people that I know and saying "they have it" even while I know that's not true. A friend of mine said that we might all be a little autistic in life and I'm tempted to agree with her but the struggles I've had throughout life tell me that that's simply not true. I didn't get my first "friend" until I was around 13 and even then I couldn't connect with her. If she had passed away I would have acted sad because that was what was expected of me but I don't think I would have felt it. All throughout my life I've wondered if I would feel sad if people close to me died and I can't say that I would. I've always felt that I was wrong because I felt that way - mutated, if you will - and never told the people closest to me.
Now that I have a reason for the way I am at my core I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders as well, even though it's confusing to feel that I have this diagnosis but my father is very much like me. Although he seems to be able to understand emotion better than I do (I go to him every time someone feels something and I'm not sure about it since I don't understand why people feel the way they do), so I'm guessing he's not. I guess I'm just confused. I'm 24, made it through life this far without someone noticing that anything was wrong and learning how I should and should not respond in certain situations but my therapist noticed that there were things that didn't add up. I guess I should be thankful but I feel kind of slighted that it wasn't noticed earlier and I couldn't get help earlier and I feel like the people around me really don't know me well. My dad is the only one who said that he could see it, after I described the DSM criteria to him, but all my friends have doubted me. I guess because I can play the game well enough.
I haven't told my mom, and don't plan on it, because she would feel it was her fault. She's going through things of her own (she was sexually abused as a child and is currently in therapy, I don't feel it's acceptable to add more stress to what she's going through, I've obviously done fine enough as it is with no one knowing anyhow) and I feel that it's none of her business and she'd ask me questions, doubt the diagnosis and in general make a bigger deal out of it than it really is and just overwhelm me even more. I've got a lot on my plate aside from this diagnosis. I just had to move back home after being on my own for two years (money issues (my current job as a dog groomer isn't doing so well because things are slow)), I'm looking for another job, I'm trying to join the military, trying to navigate my way through another break up (second relationship, he ended things over Facebook relationship status (already told him what I think of him now)), getting back out into the dating scene, trying to unpack and organize my room and getting my routine for the day established. I don't need her breathing down my neck and making life miserable for me. She's the reason I got kicked out in the first place for snooping through my room and finding a journal I was keeping, found out that my girlfriend and I were seeing each other and told me to leave. So I don't think she needs to know, even if we have more or less healed most of our relationship.
I've also had a mild for of OCD for my entire life. When I was a child I couldn't go to sleep at night unless everything in my room was exactly the way it was during the day, it's slacked off a bit but... it's still there. My contacts in my phone have to be in multiples of 5 or 10. I add and delete people based off of that. That is probably unrelated but why not throw it in there. I've also been diagnosed with clinical depression and I do know that I have anxiety when it comes to social situations, I apparently hide it fairly well, however, since no one has picked up on it. And that sentence came out quite bitter. I guess I am since no one noticed anything before now and even now when I tell the friends closest to me, they hem and haw and basically think that I'm just looking for an excuse to not work on things. They don't realize how absolutely, enragingly difficult it is to have to learn how to respond to emotions, even slight, when you don't even get them or understand them in the slightest. I can read the doubt and I know they might not believe me. I play it off fairly well but I think I expected less doubt.
Anywho, I guess my next question is should I get myself formally diagnosed? Especially if I'm going into the military? And if anyone has any advice for anything that I've said thus far I would greatly appreciate it. I feel rather lost, confused and just all out of sorts and overwhelmed to the nth degree.
Anyhow, now that I've been diagnosed I've been struggling with it. I can see criteria from the DSM in my father, my brother and my mother and while I know that they don't have all the criteria that is necessary for a diagnosis I still wonder "do more people have it?" and I find myself looking at people that I know and saying "they have it" even while I know that's not true. A friend of mine said that we might all be a little autistic in life and I'm tempted to agree with her but the struggles I've had throughout life tell me that that's simply not true. I didn't get my first "friend" until I was around 13 and even then I couldn't connect with her. If she had passed away I would have acted sad because that was what was expected of me but I don't think I would have felt it. All throughout my life I've wondered if I would feel sad if people close to me died and I can't say that I would. I've always felt that I was wrong because I felt that way - mutated, if you will - and never told the people closest to me.
Now that I have a reason for the way I am at my core I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders as well, even though it's confusing to feel that I have this diagnosis but my father is very much like me. Although he seems to be able to understand emotion better than I do (I go to him every time someone feels something and I'm not sure about it since I don't understand why people feel the way they do), so I'm guessing he's not. I guess I'm just confused. I'm 24, made it through life this far without someone noticing that anything was wrong and learning how I should and should not respond in certain situations but my therapist noticed that there were things that didn't add up. I guess I should be thankful but I feel kind of slighted that it wasn't noticed earlier and I couldn't get help earlier and I feel like the people around me really don't know me well. My dad is the only one who said that he could see it, after I described the DSM criteria to him, but all my friends have doubted me. I guess because I can play the game well enough.
I haven't told my mom, and don't plan on it, because she would feel it was her fault. She's going through things of her own (she was sexually abused as a child and is currently in therapy, I don't feel it's acceptable to add more stress to what she's going through, I've obviously done fine enough as it is with no one knowing anyhow) and I feel that it's none of her business and she'd ask me questions, doubt the diagnosis and in general make a bigger deal out of it than it really is and just overwhelm me even more. I've got a lot on my plate aside from this diagnosis. I just had to move back home after being on my own for two years (money issues (my current job as a dog groomer isn't doing so well because things are slow)), I'm looking for another job, I'm trying to join the military, trying to navigate my way through another break up (second relationship, he ended things over Facebook relationship status (already told him what I think of him now)), getting back out into the dating scene, trying to unpack and organize my room and getting my routine for the day established. I don't need her breathing down my neck and making life miserable for me. She's the reason I got kicked out in the first place for snooping through my room and finding a journal I was keeping, found out that my girlfriend and I were seeing each other and told me to leave. So I don't think she needs to know, even if we have more or less healed most of our relationship.
I've also had a mild for of OCD for my entire life. When I was a child I couldn't go to sleep at night unless everything in my room was exactly the way it was during the day, it's slacked off a bit but... it's still there. My contacts in my phone have to be in multiples of 5 or 10. I add and delete people based off of that. That is probably unrelated but why not throw it in there. I've also been diagnosed with clinical depression and I do know that I have anxiety when it comes to social situations, I apparently hide it fairly well, however, since no one has picked up on it. And that sentence came out quite bitter. I guess I am since no one noticed anything before now and even now when I tell the friends closest to me, they hem and haw and basically think that I'm just looking for an excuse to not work on things. They don't realize how absolutely, enragingly difficult it is to have to learn how to respond to emotions, even slight, when you don't even get them or understand them in the slightest. I can read the doubt and I know they might not believe me. I play it off fairly well but I think I expected less doubt.
Anywho, I guess my next question is should I get myself formally diagnosed? Especially if I'm going into the military? And if anyone has any advice for anything that I've said thus far I would greatly appreciate it. I feel rather lost, confused and just all out of sorts and overwhelmed to the nth degree.
