Friends...

[Kodak]

As like many of us, I have a lot of problems with making friends. And when by some miracle I have a friend, I do not know what to do after. Perhaps that it is because I am so amazed that I have made a friend that I exhaust everything out?

My last friend, I thought was nice and understanding however she wasn't. I was basically a servant but I thought that was how you should be...to be accepted. Thing is I'm always on the outside of a friendship, looking in and I hate it because I want to be part of the friendship but don't know how.

After the last friend, I have said often that I do not really care and that I'm happy with my own company etc. Whilst that is partly true, deep down I do want friends...I just don't know how.

Does anyone else share similiar experiences?

Thank you...

 

[eon]

yes i do.



i recently learned that "friend" is defined as someone who makes you feel good consistently over time. normal "social" expectation is you are supposed to try to make everyone you share space with feel good as much as possible, but a real friend shows they accept you by helping you feel good very consistently.

people behaving in friendly way does not make them friends. that takes time and patience.

you should watch check it out with dr. steve brule. it shows the peril of thinking that friendly behavior means someone is your friend. lol.

 

[petrossa]

I never had the need for friends and i am perfectly fine without them. Having people around me only puts pressure on me to control my behavior. I do need someone to live with though. An intimate partner. But for the rest. I have a number blocker on my mobile, only a few persons can reach me. I disconnect the doorbell between 8 pm and 8 am, i disconnect the landline completely.

In my 55 years on this rock i decided that 'friends' give more hassle then they are worth.

 

[Geordie]

I do not have a real friend currently. Even including ASDs. I hope to meet a real friend who is funny, yet assuring and is willing to spend quality time with me and a whole bunch of people together... studying. lol

 

[jaws]

I am somewhat similar....I have had friends in the past, just people that I would talk to who would then seek out my advise and invite me places and I'd return the gesture(s)...then one day I'd call them and their number would be disconnected, they would not reply to emails, wouldn't see them around....I generally would not take offense as I would think maybe they are moving or having income problems...but then I wouldn't see them around town and might ask a few acquaintances and find out they did move and I'd never here from them again.

I generally don't seek friends and never really loose them (as in not fighting type "I'm not your friend" thing)...they just drift in and out of my life.

But I like what eon said...I use to tell manager trainees, that it is very important to be friendly with employees, but that is very different than being their friend.

 

[BruceCM]

The current main problem with making friends is that it isn't EVEN agreed that there needs to be agreement about what friends means between people who are being friends! Most things said about friendships assume there is a reasonable amount of agreement. But I'm told that it can mean ANYTHING that ANYBODY wants. Although such people don't then accept what it means to me. Of course, the idea is impossible. If it could mean ANYTHING, it can mean a version that insists it's the only one. Which ruins the it meaning anything idea. But to insist one version is wrong requires there to be a right one, which also goes against the it can mean anything idea. Currently, impossible to discuss as nobody seems to have heard half the things I've been told!

 

[Firnafth]

It is true, there are many different kinds of things people want from friendships - and these things may be OK or not. Whether they are OK probably has a lot to do with what one person needs (that another person can provide) and a combination of 1) how much work this is for the other person and 2) how much the other person wants to help.

Since what people need, and what people are willing to give, varies widely, it is not surprising that the meaning of friendship is hard to pin down, especially in mechanistic terms (e.g. what exactly do friends do that makes them friends?). I also think people don't usually discuss what it means to "be friends" because they may naturally hone in on other people who are compatible friends, by choosing to interact with people who make them feel good.

 

[BruceCM]

It still has to be agreed between people who are making friends & there must be limits in the variation of meaning for the lists of 'true' and 'false' friends. See Marc Segar's Survival guide (which you can find & view online) for an example of such a list. Nothing said about 'respect' works with the 'it can mean ANYTHING' version. As nobody who insists on that accepts what it means to me! If you wish to take that angle, you thus have to accept the versions that insist they're the ONLY ones. But you don't accept those if you say they aren't the ONLY ones. TRA LA EFFING LA.