Forcing your Aspergers son into particpation via sports, clubs etc...the right thing?

[SaFen1]

Hi All,
I am looking for some feedback on what you all think about this. My sister is a high school teacher and spends a great deal of time
harping on my son to get involved in school activities, he played football last year or I should say he was part of the team, he never
actually got any playing time but he was absolutely misearable the entire time! I hate seeing him unhappy, he does have a few interest
limited as they may be he is a very talented artist, he has improved 100 % on his socialization skills and has even made a few friends
and has a girlfriend this year....so he has overcome alot of hurdles. SO.......what do you all think about forcing him into school activities
is it the right thing or wrong thing? I get aggravated at my sis for harping on him because it makes him only retreat more. Any feedback
would be awesome!!!

 

[. . .]

Re: Forcing your Aspergers son into particpation via sports, clubs etc...the right th

No, it's not the right thing. He should do what he enjoys. Never force your kids to do things they don't enjoy that will probably only cause them distress and not much else just because it's what "normal" kids do. If he prefers solitary activities, so be it. I think his friends and girlfriend will do more to help him overcome his social deficits than him playing sports, being a part of clubs, etc. would ever do for him.

 

[Soup]

Re: Forcing your Aspergers son into particpation via sports, clubs etc...the right th

Hi SaFen1:

I'm an Aspie, a mother of 2 grown kids & a teacher so I speak with some experience & formal training. NO. What the teacher is doing may be well-intended but it is wrong-headed. He hates football & was miserable. Team sports were a sick form of torture for me & an immense waste of time. Like your son, I'm artistic. You report that his social skills are vastly improved so you must be doing something right & so is he. Why not enrol him in some formal art classes in the genre he enjoys whether its Anime or aquarelles? What other interests does he have? This isn't just an Aspie issue but a human one. Would you want to be forced to join a tennis club if you hate tennis? Of course not. Please talk to this teacher (his Aunt) & politely insist that she stop pushing your son immediately. The end result could be lost progress, animosity for that relative & possible family squabbles.

 

[Grubby]

Re: Forcing your Aspergers son into particpation via sports, clubs etc...the right th

I was forced into sports when I was young, and I hated it.

 

[robertwnielsen]

Re: Forcing your Aspergers son into particpation via sports, clubs etc...the right th

Hi All,
I am looking for some feedback on what you all think about this. My sister is a high school teacher and spends a great deal of time
harping on my son to get involved in school activities, he played football last year or I should say he was part of the team, he never
actually got any playing time but he was absolutely misearable the entire time! I hate seeing him unhappy, he does have a few interest
limited as they may be he is a very talented artist, he has improved 100 % on his socialization skills and has even made a few friends
and has a girlfriend this year....so he has overcome alot of hurdles. SO.......what do you all think about forcing him into school activities
is it the right thing or wrong thing? I get aggravated at my sis for harping on him because it makes him only retreat more. Any feedback
would be awesome!!!

SaFen1,

I was a lot like your son when I was in junior high/high school -- kind of a loner, not really involved in much...except for music. I was in all the music groups in school (not forced, joined of my own free will)...except for my freshman year in high school...there was an opening in the Swing Choir when a couple of the guys quit...and one of the other members (who just happened to live in the same neighborhood as I did) pressured me no end to audition...so I finally did, just to get her off my back...and then found out I made it. Being in that group, I made some wonderful friends...and some that I didn't exactly get along with, but I learned to stay away from them. I don't think forcing anything on anybody is a good idea...but some "subtle encouragement" might work. Just my $.02 worth...if it's even worth that much, these days!!

 

[Arashi222]

Re: Forcing your Aspergers son into particpation via sports, clubs etc...the right th

I am in full agreement here. No. Her heart is in the right place but encourage him to get into the things he likes. Groups that he enjoys so that might be more music, or drawing courses, or whatever maybe a small group class to keep encouraging his skills but not forcing him to do something you hate. I would be miserable he was miserable. My mom never forced me to do anything I didn't want to and could quit any time I felt it was overwhelming.

 

[SaFen1]

Re: Forcing your Aspergers son into particpation via sports, clubs etc...the right th

Thank You ALL for your replies. My sister was beginning to make me feel like the worst mom in the world. A week ago over the phone she went on an hour rant on how I wasn't doing the right thing for him that I needed to be making him be involved in school activities. Finally after an hour and with much restraint I told her with all due respect she had NO idea what it was like to live with an Aspie child on a day to day basis and that I knew him better than anyone and I would be the one to decide what was best for him. Your right though making that stand will cause some strain in relationships and my son has already gotten to the point that he does not want to spend any time with his aunt because he's tired of listening to her. Jeremy isn't like most kids as you all know, his interest are limited, he does love music as well and for some reason his fascination involves martial arts so I am considering enrolling him if that's something he really wants to do. I really felt like I was doing the right thing but I really needed to hear that confirmation from you all!!! Thank you again so much!

 

[Geordie]

Re: Forcing your Aspergers son into particpation via sports, clubs etc...the right th

I am a ultra big sports fan. I even run, dribble soccer balls a little whenever I am free. I even joined the swimming team in school - However, I think everyone should do sports because they love it, not because other people do it, or benefit doing it.

Btw I quit swimming, because I realize I'm not the best in my district in swimming, even with, say, some physical gifts. So be it, I do other stuff instead.

 

[Butterfly_Lady]

Re: Forcing your Aspergers son into particpation via sports, clubs etc...the right th

First off i wanted to say, good for you for taking a stand against your sister who was forcing your son into things that made him miserable. I wasn't forced into doing things i didn't like. I even flunked P.E. because i hated it. I was uncomfortable dressing out amongst other girls and just didn't care for sports in the first place. I know for sure i would have been completely miserable if i had been forced to do something i didn't want to do.

 

[Dara]

Re: Forcing your Aspergers son into particpation via sports, clubs etc...the right th

My mum tried many times to force me to join activities I hated and the only thing that came out of it was more anxiety and stress to deal with. Luckily my dad was against it, so it didn't last long.
It caused me a lot of distress, even more so, since I felt that I was failing because I couldn't enjoy something that apparently every normal kid should love (this is what they made me believe).

I really think you made the right choice talking to your sister.

 

[SaFen1]

Re: Forcing your Aspergers son into particpation via sports, clubs etc...the right th

Thanks for all your input! Unfortunately I am faced with a double whammy of sorts because the ONLY reason my son played football last year was for my husband and at the insistence from my sister. My sis doesn't deny Jeremy's has Aspergers but my husband is in complete denial. He thinks if he just gets involved it will make it more normal, I have NO idea how to
get through to him! Last year Jeremy had a 504 at school this year I had him tested for special ed, with the guarantee he would not be singled out or put in special ed
classes but that the modifications would be made for him and he would be given extra time to complete his work as I requested last year with the 504. With all this and my husband still tells him he expects A's and B's! I feel like I am fighting this battle for my son alone here......If my son were an A and B student yes I would expect that of him, but he struggles
so much with anything that requires him to remember steps....algebra etc.....One of the things the doctor commented on when testing Jeremy was that he struggled just computing simple math word problems....when written in a sentence. My husband even heard the doctor say this but still believes Jeremy can be normal if he wants to. Jeremy also spends two hours at least a day banging, (rocking back and forth) he does this with music and the doctor said that is his therapy....its like self medicating, he has done this since he was a toddler and still with ALL this my husband refuses to see it! Have any of you been in similar situations with family denial and if so how do you get through to them? I know there is a balance here....Jeremy knows he cannot just "do nothing" and use his Aspergers as an excuse, he knows that I require effort from him and as long as I know he is working hard and trying a C is okay with me. I just don't know how to convey this with my husband. Any ideas???? Thanks a billion!!!

 

[Spinning Compass]

Re: Forcing your Aspergers son into particpation via sports, clubs etc...the right th

Your husband reminds me very much of the men in my family--my father and grandfather in particular. If THEY don't see there is a problem then there isn't one as far as they are concerned. My mother told me a story from her childhood about falling out of her bed and breaking her collarbone. Grampa refused to take her to the doctor for several days "because you can't break a collarbone from falling out of bed." Finally after several days of pain he took her to the doctor with the warning "If something isn't wrong it will be when we get home." Turns out her collarbone was indeed broken and he "felt bad" after that (yeah, right). So I know what you are up against and I'm afraid I don't have any advice.

I wonder if the sports issue is such a big deal because he is a boy and not a girl. That maybe there might be some "manhood" issues here. That your husband's attitude may be masking fears he can't admit.

 

[Soup]

Re: Forcing your Aspergers son into particpation via sports, clubs etc...the right th

Your husband reminds me of my mother. She still thinks that if only she keeps trying to impose social camaraderie on me I'll become more sociable & ZAP!!! My Aspie-ness will vanish. I'm 47 yrs old. It isn't going anywhere. Please tell your husband that his strategy of imposing highly pro social activities on an Aspie & expecting it to make him more sociable is as stupid as waving brightly coloured objects in front of Stevie Wonder believing that it'll render him sighted. It doesn't work that way!

Asperger's doesn't have to be an impediment to success in NT terms. My husband is a very successful professional AND an Aspie. If you allow your son to be who he truly IS & validate & honour his ND Aspie reality, he'll grow up without the terrible self-esteem issues, perpetual anxiety & confusion that plagues so many of us. He isn't crazy. He isn't defective or diseased. He's neurologically different to neurotypical people.

I don't really care how these stubborn, misinformed & selfish people in denial feel. Nor should you. It isn't about convincing or appeasing them. They're grown adults responsible for themselves & their attitude is harmful to your son. Meanwhile, your son is growing with his Asperger's & ne deserves & needs your support. Remind your husband that this isn't a case of normal vs abnormal. It is a function of different neurological structuring within the brain BUT not inherently pathological difference (like missing a hemisphere or a massive tumour). It is also being done by religious yahoo 'therapists' in the USA to gay people. So-called cognitive/behavioural therapies accompanied by 'aversion therapy' (aka shaming & humiliating) in order to 'cure' them of homosexuality. the APA & AMA have definitively debunked such treatments as quackery having no basis in science or medicine or psychology whatsoever. Aspies aren't sick & don't need curing. When we develop mental illnesses & anxiety disorders, it is due to having to constantly confront the prejudices of the NT world.

Personally, I'd never accept or even consider a cure. I also reject dark ages so-called 'therapies' designed NOT to help the Aspie BUT to de-Aspify him & make him feel defective as he is & force him to outwardly appear & behave like 'everyone else'. This is no different to what society did to Native Indian kids: trying to take the Indian out of him & replace it with a downgraded version of the lowest strata of white. The same was done to Aboriginal kids in Australia. You can watch documentaries about the survivors of such 'treatment' & how they are broken people today. Please do not do this to your son. He is who & what he is & that is okay.

He needs a sense of community as well: you can refer him to US. We get it! Also, he needs to see examples of other Aspies who have succeeded & there are so many from Steven Spielberg (sucked at Algebra too) to Bill Gates (NOT a football jock) Temple Ggandin (75% of all dairy farms in the USA use her design methods) Not to forget Mozart, Leonardo Da Vinci & Shakespeare. Please maintain your participation here as we can help.

 

[smith2267]

Re: Forcing your Aspergers son into particpation via sports, clubs etc...the right th

Btw I quit swimming, because I realize I'm not the best in my district in swimming, even with, say, some physical gifts.

Fins? Gills?

 

[cher1]

Re: Forcing your Aspergers son into particpation via sports, clubs etc...the right th

Your husband is pretty typical I feel in his thinking. We have a 15 yr old son with AS, no he hasn't had a true diagnosis but I know he has it. He was tested by the school and naturally it wasn't conclusive but as his mother I don't need a diagnosis. We mom's know our kids better than anyone could.
My husband is very social and was/is a great basketball player, played on the varsity team blah blah blah. Our son plays videogames and that's it. He is amazing at it but he has no desire to get involved in sports. My husband does believe our son has AS though and does have a tough time with it as our boy barely talks to him. I am assuming this is normal for aspies!? He doesn't talk much to anyone in the family and is always grouchy which kinda hurts a relationship. But luckily my husband doesn't try pushing the sports. He did think it would help at first but once I discovered that I felt our boy had AS I printed out all the symptoms and showed my hubby and he felt the same. Sorry so long.

 

[Spinning Compass]

Re: Forcing your Aspergers son into particpation via sports, clubs etc...the right th

I totally agree with Soup. I am one of those "survivors" from the Dark Ages. There are times when I honestly think it would have been kinder to euthanize me when it was first discovered that I was not normal. I really like the analogy with the Native and Aboriginal kids--maybe that's why I liked (and still do) reading books and watching movies about those cultures. Somehow I felt I could identify with them but wasn't sure why. Now I know.

 

[Soup]

Re: Forcing your Aspergers son into particpation via sports, clubs etc...the right th

It's awful that they put you through something that made euthanasia even look like an option! What the hell is the matter with people?

 

[Megan]

Re: Forcing your Aspergers son into particpation via sports, clubs etc...the right th

My parents forced me to participate in sports when I was younger and I hated it. It made me miserable. My mom used to force me to have "play-dates" with kids when I was in elementary school, and that made me very unhappy. The worst occasion of them forcing me to socialize was in 6th grade when they made me go on a weekend field trip. I begged and pleaded with them, but they thought it would be a "good experience" for me, as was the case with many past experiences they put me through. It was awful and I cried a lot.

Don't force your kids to do things they don't enjoy for the sake of them being "normal". If they don't like socializing, forcing them will only make them unhappy.

 

[SaFen1]

Re: Forcing your Aspergers son into particpation via sports, clubs etc...the right th

Thank you for all your input and encouraging words! Cher1 I also knew before my son was ever diagnosed that he had Aspergers. There was never any doubt in my mind. I have been fighting this battle for awhile now on my sons behalf and I think I may have had somewhat of a break through with my husband recently. My sister however, I don't think she will ever change her way of thinking but my job as a parent is to do whatever it takes to protect my son and I will NOT allow him to be made to feel like less of a person because he chooses not to participate in school functions! Soup, I have also shared all the famous people you mentioned with my son and told him that having Aspergers is not a curse, he can look at it like a gift because unlike everyone else he can have a completely different perspective on life and he has the potential to do whatever he wants to do with his life. He is so bright, from a very young age his vocabulary has always been more advanced than anyone in his age group, so I know the potential he has. I have also shared this forum with him and I am encouraging him to come here and share with you all, I know there is so much he can learn here. Again thank you all for your input it has helped so much, I always felt that I was doing the right thing as a parent but you all gave me that confirmation I needed!

 

[Soup]

Re: Forcing your Aspergers son into particpation via sports, clubs etc...the right th

You seem to be doing all the right things, SaFen1. Please stick around here yourself. As the mom of an Aspie, there's much here to support your efforts. Many of us Aspies are raising our own mini-Aspies & many of us are also raising a NT child.