Finally decided to move on from my ex-Aspie

[Plumeria]

Hi Everyone,
I was here about a year ago after my breakup with my boyfriend who I highly suspect, has Aspergers. Everyone on this site was very supportive and friendly and I appreciated all the advice and kindness, it helped me through a rough time.

This past year was great, I traveled a lot, fulfilled a couple "bucket list" items and got into excellent shape… but all along, he was in my heart and on my mind! I've struggled to completely let him go but its been challenging because our relationship didn't end badly and we've remained in contact since the breakup… something I've never done with an ex-boyfriend. I know someone could easily say, then stop contacting him… I wish I could but I missed him and always felt that he had feelings for me too… and if I didn't contact him, he would eventually contact me with some random question/text.

This past July I finally got the nerve to tell him that I still had feelings for him and missed him. I asked him to tell me that there was no chance of us ever getting back together and his reply was "I can't tell you NEVER, just not right now." I asked him if he was really unhappy in our relationship when we were together and he replied, "You're just on a different level, I feel like I have nothing to offer you. I am working on getting my stuff together, I don't even make enough money to buy a house and in a couple years, I will have to go back to school and have no income, what will I have to give you?" After our conversation, I thought surely he would withdraw from me (knowing how I felt about him) but no, he actually started texting and calling me more often and it gave me hope.

The past two months he's been calling/texting, usually a question about baking (one of his special interests now). I actually taught him how to bake and I gave him all my (secret) recipes when we were together. This month he asked me to help him bake three cakes. We baked the first last week and it went really well. He was very talkative and happy, we laughed a lot and he shared a DVD he made with me. It felt like we were together again and it was nice. I felt the chemistry that made me fall in love with him the first time. He paid for dinner and gave me some money for helping him with the cake.

This past weekend we baked again but this time, he was quiet and seemed to be "in his head." I was there helping him but I could of easily been invisible (or at least that how I felt). It reminded me of when we were together and the times when I felt so alone even when we were physically together. He's quiet by nature anyway but its like his mood affects him so much that he just shuts everything out and shows no emotion at all. I know this is a common trait with aspies… but these are the times I wonder, does he even care about me? Is he really that COLD? Because I know he's not, he is the most kind, thoughtful man I know…. but times like that, he seems like a cold robot just going thru the motions.

After we baked, I went home thinking … do I really want to be with someone who I never know how they feel about me? He was like that even when we were a couple and its even harder now that Im still in love with him and always wonder how he feels about me? Why hasn't he completely cut me off if he doesn't care about me?? Ok, I know someone is going to say, cause he might be using me and that could be a possibility but I really dont think he is … whenever I ask him to help me with something, he has never said no. Still, I feel like I have to give up and move on but its hard

A girlfriend of mine encouraged me to try online dating again so today, I created an account and there he was in my top 10 We met online and I saw him online back in June so I knew it was a possibility I would see him on there again… but seeing it made me even more sad. Here I am, right here!! I love him so much, have been nothing but kind, patient, helpful and supportive to him and he's still online looking for someone? He has nothing to offer me yet he something to offer another girl?? I guess he doesn't want me.

He is not the easiest person to be around, he wants everything a certain way, he's very particular about MANY things… but we worked well together… and I will gladly take his "bad" with his beautiful side … because he is such a kind, beautiful person (to me) … but I feel he doesnt appreciate me and all that I've done for him. I know, its time for me to move on.

I'm not ready to completely cut him out of my life but I've decided to try and start dating again (even if I dont want to), to not initiate any texts and only reply to messages that require a reply and stop helping him... But we are suppose to bake again this weekend and as much as I want to see him again, I'm not sure I should … I can't keep loving someone who doesn't love and want me back

I guess I'm just looking for some thoughts?

Thank you.

 

[Ste11aeres]

You are an amazing person.
He is losing something amazing by not committing to you.
But it is clear that his problem is with relationships, not with you.

I think you are doing the right things. I think baking with him will be all right-I don't think that refusing to bake with him will help you forget him. If I thought that a cessation of baking would help you forget him, I would say "cease it", but, (based on personal experience), I don't think it will make any difference. If someday your emotions start to "move on" then it will be different, but if your thoughts and feelings are still filled with him, I think they will remain unaffected by the act of baking vs not baking (based on my personal experience).

 

[tw3]

It sounds to me that he may lack confidence. Have you ever just sat together and openly talked about your feelings for him and that you would like to hear from him once in a while about his feelings. If he's like me he has a difficult time stepping out into personal revelation. My NT wife began to take care of me before we got married. We are married 46 years now so something worked.
I pray God will give you clarity and settle both your hearts.

 

[adamindeltona]

I concur completely, you are quite amazing

I also think you are doing the right thing.

I know this sounds terrible to NT's, but everything in life is a business transaction. Everything we do must have a certain benefit to it, and it sounds like you've realized that. There is no benefit, no joy in waiting forever on a maybe. There are things in your life you want to accomplish, and relationships you want to have, and we can't wait to see what happens. Sometimes we must act, even when it hurts.

Now I don't think you need to "try" to forget him, you just need to start looking at other guys, start talking to them, and when you feel ready, ask someone out for something very casual. You don't need to go crazy, just have coffee with someone. I found at least for me, even though I still love and want my ex, just starting to think about going out with another girl has helped ease the pain and loneliness a bit, which in turn has helped me almost feel ready to start looking.

I think through analyzing the situation, we have a theory on why he acted the way he did, and why he made the decisions he did. But now that we've finished our study, we must now consider your mental health and well being. He has made his decision, now you need to make yours about what you want.

You should be in a relationship where both parties are happy with each other, and bringing something to the mix that the other needs to be fulfilled.

And as much as I dislike being around most people, I still understand the value in having a true partner in life. Why? Because it's the most important business transaction there is.

- Adam

 

[wyverary]

First of all... So glad to see you here again!

I think you are taking exactly the right approach. Sometimes you just need to distance yourself from people...being unsure of what they are looking for in you, or what you are looking for in them, is a bit of a red flag at least as far as relationships go. And since you've tried to keep him in your life as a friend... It's hard for anyone, AS or NT, to really know what goes on inside another person's head. If he is acting coldly towards you, it might be best to keep your distance, respect each others' space, and not insist on constant contact.

Wishing you all the best.
wyv

 

[Plumeria]

You are an amazing person.
He is losing something amazing by not committing to you.
But it is clear that his problem is with relationships, not with you.

I think you are doing the right things. I think baking with him will be all right-I don't think that refusing to bake with him will help you forget him. If I thought that a cessation of baking would help you forget him, I would say "cease it", but, (based on personal experience), I don't think it will make any difference. If someday your emotions start to "move on" then it will be different, but if your thoughts and feelings are still filled with him, I think they will remain unaffected by the act of baking vs not baking (based on my personal experience).

Hi Ste11aeres,
Thank you for the kind words. I know its been a month since I posted this thread but it still helps to come here and read what I've written and all the replies. So, I ended up baking with him a few more times after my last post and you are right, my feelings are still the same. It seems that every time I start to pull away, he initiates contact… I'll write a follow up in a bit but I wanted to thank you for always replying to my threads Happy Holidays!

 

[Plumeria]

It sounds to me that he may lack confidence. Have you ever just sat together and openly talked about your feelings for him and that you would like to hear from him once in a while about his feelings. If he's like me he has a difficult time stepping out into personal revelation. My NT wife began to take care of me before we got married. We are married 46 years now so something worked.
I pray God will give you clarity and settle both your hearts.

Hi and thanks for the prayer. I spoke to him about my feelings back in July and told him that I still love and miss him but it seems very hard for him to verbalize his feelings. He will avoid it at all costs if he has to by making an excuse to leave. Even when he is happy he doesn't verbalize it… I have to ask, "are you happy?" and he'll look at me as if I should know and says "of course I'm happy." He is very hard to read because he doesn't speak much to begin with and his facial expressions are usually stoic.

 

[Plumeria]

I concur completely, you are quite amazing

I also think you are doing the right thing.

I know this sounds terrible to NT's, but everything in life is a business transaction. Everything we do must have a certain benefit to it, and it sounds like you've realized that. There is no benefit, no joy in waiting forever on a maybe. There are things in your life you want to accomplish, and relationships you want to have, and we can't wait to see what happens. Sometimes we must act, even when it hurts.

Now I don't think you need to "try" to forget him, you just need to start looking at other guys, start talking to them, and when you feel ready, ask someone out for something very casual. You don't need to go crazy, just have coffee with someone. I found at least for me, even though I still love and want my ex, just starting to think about going out with another girl has helped ease the pain and loneliness a bit, which in turn has helped me almost feel ready to start looking.

I think through analyzing the situation, we have a theory on why he acted the way he did, and why he made the decisions he did. But now that we've finished our study, we must now consider your mental health and well being. He has made his decision, now you need to make yours about what you want.

You should be in a relationship where both parties are happy with each other, and bringing something to the mix that the other needs to be fulfilled.

And as much as I dislike being around most people, I still understand the value in having a true partner in life. Why? Because it's the most important business transaction there is.

- Adam

Hi Adam!
Happy holidays! So I tried online dating again but I only lasted a few days and couldn't handle it anymore… it was very discouraging because there was nobody that caught my interest and the men that wrote me did not fit my dating preferences. I also met someone who's been asking to take me out… he seems nice but he admitted that he loves to gamble and also drink and thats a deal breaker for me. Still, I might just go out with him to get out… Im not sure yet.

I baked a few more times with my ex after my last post and he also came over and helped me assemble a table I purchased. He's been calling and texting more often and being very helpful and its interesting that the minute I stop thinking and worrying about us is when he comes around more. As soon as I start to get excited and my hopes up, he feels distant again. I can't complain though, we've had more interaction in the last month since we broke up over a year ago. He still has a few things to help me with around my house so I will see him again soon. Its comforting to know he's in my life again and I can reach out to him when I need him but at the same time, I have to keep myself in check and remind myself not to get too excited. I still dont know how he feels about me … and you're right, its time for me to focus on me and not on him. Im trying my best.

I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving

 

[Plumeria]

First of all... So glad to see you here again!

I think you are taking exactly the right approach. Sometimes you just need to distance yourself from people...being unsure of what they are looking for in you, or what you are looking for in them, is a bit of a red flag at least as far as relationships go. And since you've tried to keep him in your life as a friend... It's hard for anyone, AS or NT, to really know what goes on inside another person's head. If he is acting coldly towards you, it might be best to keep your distance, respect each others' space, and not insist on constant contact.

Wishing you all the best.
wyv

Hi Wyverary!
Happy holidays! Well, I tried to put some distance between us but it seems the minute I do, he steps up. If you read any of my replies above, you'll see that we baked again a few more times and he's come over to help me, too. You're right, I can't read whats going on in his head, I wish I could!! But I am thankful that we've seemed to get closer in the past month. Still, I have to remind myself not to get too excited about it and just let things unfold naturally… its hard but some things you just can't control.

 

[sisselcakes]

The last post is a little old so not sure what your status is. Regardless, hope you are happy.

It seems as though your ex feels he cannot meet your needs. Do you care about his educational status? Do you care about his current earning power? Do you care that he doesn't have a house? If not, perhaps there is a way to convince him those things aren't important to you. He seems to pull away because he feels he isn't "good enough" for you. Maybe the times you have spent together remind him of the old times and scares him - that he will get too close. You question whether or not he cares about you. I have no doubt he does. Maybe the feelings he has for you are overwhelming so he shuts down.

Just some ideas.

I'm wondering if he is able to define how he feels when you ask him to tell you. Had you ever considered seeing a couples therapist who has experience with AS? Have you ever raised the idea he may have ASD?

Hope this isn't too untimely

 

[Annieoh]

I concur completely, you are quite amazing

I also think you are doing the right thing.

I know this sounds terrible to NT's, but everything in life is a business transaction. Everything we do must have a certain benefit to it, and it sounds like you've realized that. There is no benefit, no joy in waiting forever on a maybe. There are things in your life you want to accomplish, and relationships you want to have, and we can't wait to see what happens. Sometimes we must act, even when it hurts.

Now I don't think you need to "try" to forget him, you just need to start looking at other guys, start talking to them, and when you feel ready, ask someone out for something very casual. You don't need to go crazy, just have coffee with someone. I found at least for me, even though I still love and want my ex, just starting to think about going out with another girl has helped ease the pain and loneliness a bit, which in turn has helped me almost feel ready to start looking.

I think through analyzing the situation, we have a theory on why he acted the way he did, and why he made the decisions he did. But now that we've finished our study, we must now consider your mental health and well being. He has made his decision, now you need to make yours about what you want.

You should be in a relationship where both parties are happy with each other, and bringing something to the mix that the other needs to be fulfilled.

And as much as I dislike being around most people, I still understand the value in having a true partner in life. Why? Because it's the most important business transaction there is.

- Adam

Dear Adam

Hi Wyverary!
Happy holidays! Well, I tried to put some distance between us but it seems the minute I do, he steps up. If you read any of my replies above, you'll see that we baked again a few more times and he's come over to help me, too. You're right, I can't read whats going on in his head, I wish I could!! But I am thankful that we've seemed to get closer in the past month. Still, I have to remind myself not to get too excited about it and just let things unfold naturally… its hard but some things you just can't control.

d

 

[LucyPurrs]

This sounds like the classic case of a pursuer-distancer relationship. If you back off, he comes closer and if you move towards him he backs off. The lesson is, if you want him to come closer then back off, let him be the initiator for getting together. Seems like he does want to be with you but is scared he will not measure up to some standard he thinks you have. Maybe a discussion of what it important to both of you in both relationships and life?