Feelings

[AdzPearson]

I'm curious about what other people with Aspergers have experienced with emotional feelings.

I feel I have a decent grasp on emotions, but I still have trouble understanding some situations. Thanks to anime and games (mainly RPGs), I've learnt to have some empathy for other people when they're going through hard times.

As far as I know, I've never been very cold emotionally, but I did lack some tact at one point. I was talking to someone online and she said that she's been told that she looks like a boy. She then showed me a picture, to which I said "I can see why". Not surprisingly, she wasn't too happy. Of course, I can now look back and say "I shouldn't have said that!", but at the time I thought nothing of it. That aside, I think I've always been a generally friendly person. I've never tried to cause trouble with anyone.

In recent years, my feelings have been 'unlocked' more. This has turned to be both a good and a bad thing. It's good because I like to experience the happiness of having friends and having people that I really care about. On the flipside, when I feel upset, I sometimes get confused. This often leads to me taking it out on other people. When I do that, I regret it and get even more upset.

Has anyone else had any similar experiences?

 

[142857]

I've got a limited emotional range. My ex-gf used to try to make me jealous, imply that she wanted to sleep with some guy. Or the time she rang me up and asked me to help her write an ad for an online dating site. The time she said that she wanted to sleep with one of my colleagues and asked me if that was a good idea I said something like "yeah, he's been a bit depressed lately, that would probably cheer him up a bit". And for the dating ad I told her to say that she liked a lot of "physical intimacy", because a lot of guys go in for that sort of thing. Both times it was ME who got into trouble. Go figure. Jealousy never made sense to me, always seemed illogical, like it served no purpose so why feel it?

I also don't get excited about anything. The best thing in the world could happen for me and the biggest reaction I might give would be a forced smile. I almost never get angry - when I do it is mostly just a put-on to get someone's attention. As a small child I remember throwing fake tantrums, acting out what I had seen other kids do. First week at school all the other kids would cry when their mothers left them. I'd just wander over to my seat and sit down and wait for school to be over. After a few days of watching the other kids I started to think that maybe my mother thought that I didn't love her because I never cried. So I put on a big scene just for her benefit one morning, totally faked it at 4 years of age.

 

[Emor]

Sometimes I don't get the meaning of what people mean, but I don't think that's related to my emotional capacity.
I'm a pretty emotional person, I get extremely upset and depressed about things that don't effect me at all(I could give you hundreds of examples, the latest one was to do with the person who made my headphones and I found my self in tears) and then I'll also get extremely happy about things which shouldn't really make a big difference(last time was last week when I noticed not everyone hates me[I have it in my head everyone hates me with in a minute or two of meeting me]).
It's pretty stupid, even with inanimate objects and theories I find my self almost crying because I relate them to some depressing aspect in life. I do it all the time in Chemistry and have to try hard not to break down.
I'm pretty sure this has nothing to do with my AS though. LOL. I'm just really emotional.
But when it comes to someone insulting me or saying to my face they hate me, I'd probably laugh, or even derive some happiness from it(it'd depend who it was, but anyone in my school and I'd be happy).
I'm just really messed up. LOL.
I don't get that excited about things, mainly when I'm watching a favourite TV show or w.e, but I never show it to anyone around me, and the same for happiness too. TBH, the only emotion I let people at school see is aggravation xD(ironically, today in my social skills group I broke down but that was a pretty rare thing, and it was when everyone else had gone but they had to keep me behind to talk about something).
EMZ=]

 

[AdzPearson]

Well, I don't show my emotions a lot either. More often than not, I just feel them. If I find something funny, I'll laugh, but that's about it. I think I find it easier to show my emotions online with text.

I used to lose my temper pretty easily, but I stop myself these days. The last time I lost my temper in public was at college about 5 years ago. It was something silly like being accused of something I didn't do during a game of Doom at college. We were using computers in the canteen, so when I shouted, people looked at me. I haven't lost my temper in public since.

 

[Emor]

Once I stormed out of a classroom because this guy said I was kicking him, when in-fact for the last 6 months he'd been kicking me under the desk in addition to a few other things(I just really hated him and just cracked then[I didn't really say all that much to him before]). Never done anything like that again. He left me alone, but like 10 other people started to give me crap in that lesson so yeah :/.
EMZ=]

 

[OmegaGreen17]

Feelings, hmmmm:

Well, theres the classic of the whole girl situation, but thats blatently obvious. I mean, I think I said somewhere else, I have issues of understanding some humour and when I try the same humour, people dont find it funny. I also can't get to grips sometimes with what emotion I should be feeling, or what "Society" tells me I should feel...or whatever.

Summed up, normal people are weirder than us Aspies.

 

[Kit]

I have said the wrong things to my friends online, even to one of my aspie friends.

I also don't feel anything for my husband's feet and I have laughed at my husband falling out of the bathtub. NTs do this too but the difference is they don't laugh at the person, they laugh behind the TV when they watch American's Funniest Home videos. That's what one of my aspie friends told me about the difference between us doing it and them.

I often feel I lack feelings. Of course I get scared and upset, nervous, I cry and yell, I have my meltdowns sometimes. I got pissed at one of the mods at WP when she expected me to read between the lines at someone's post. I get mad when any aspie expects me to have an NT gift such as that I just mentioned.

I am more connected to my thoughts than feelings.

 

[regnkappa]

My feelings are enpowered , Wich making me very confrused and unstable.

And alot of anexity.

others feelings mostly gets me anexious . couse I dont really know what to do with them.

hard to explain.

 

[andrew720]

I think there have been times when people have expected an emotional response from me but there is nothing there? Not that I dont have feelings just that I feel disconnected from them or numb? I do feel anxious most of the time maybe scared? Sometimes a line or verse from a song can make me feel something more.

 

[mikkyh]

I think it's important to understand the difference between sympathy and empathy. It's typically empathy that people with Asperger Syndrome have problems with - empathy requires imagination to relate to how someone's feeling (or have to have been in a similar situation at least). Sympathy is just feeling sorry for people that are going through some kind of emotional turmoil. To back this up, I quote:

Sympathy and empathy are separate terms with some very important distinctions. Sympathy and empathy are both acts of feeling, but with empathy you feel for the person; you’re sorry for them or pity them, but you don’t specifically understand what they’re feeling. Sometimes we’re left with little choice but to feel sympathetic because we really can’t understand the plight or predicament of someone else. It takes imagination, work, or possibly a similar experience to get to empathy.

 

[Willow]

I was only talking to Chris about this yesterday. I'm not sure where I stand with feelings. I know that I react strangely to things that others don't. Stupid things with scare me, like...properly scare me and really affect me (like the film Watership Down) and other things will make me cry that won't make anyone else cry (I saw a man walking home in the pouring rain carrying his shopping and I could have cried). But on the other hand, things that scare other people and make other people, don't bother me.

And then there's the weird feeling I get when I'm really sad and I don't want to do anything. Normal people don't seem to understand what it is or why I can't actually get up. I'll stay in bed until I feel better because it's safer there. But some people don't understand why I won't help myself. But it's because there's a point where I know I'm ready to move, but until then it's like there's a mental block. Or...a wall of sadness stopping me.

As for empathy and sympathy. I can feel empathy IF i've been in exactly the same situation as they are describing, but then I feel bad for how I felt when it happened to me and not as much for them because I can't imagine if they'd react how I reacted. How am I supposed to know that? The only thing I can do is offer them advice from what I know when it happened to me. So, I guess that's not really empathy. And with sympathy I'm just as bad, if someone hurts themselves or feel ill, unless I can see the problem, like a cut or something (and it has to look really bad) I don't seem to care. I want to, but I don't know how. Or rather, I don't know what I'm supposed to do or say to make it better, because I know logically nothing I say will make a physical pain or an illness go away, so what's the point?

 

[umbrellabeach]

I don't think I show my emotions much at all, at least not publicly, but I do have very strong feelings. Sometimes someone will say the simplest, most casual thing to me and I'll be upset for hours or sometimes days. It really depends on just what they said (or did); a lot of things that other people hardly even notice can send me into fits or make me cry. Thankfully, this doesn't happen very often. Most of the time I'm not offended or hurt, and there are people I really like talking to.
If someone on the Internet makes me upset, I hardly ever throw a fit or cry. I'll get very upset, but my feelings won't show on my face for other people to detect. I'm very glad they don't show because I hate being questioned about things that aren't other people's business and having to tell them everything, and it's usually pretty easy for me to temporarily distract myself with things I do like, or fake happiness if I have to.
I used to be terrible at hiding my emotions. I'd publicly display them and let everyone know how I felt, but all I got was a lot of scolding and general drama. I've learned not to trust certain people, and those people I hide everything from to avoid their drama, but then there are people who understand me and don't lecture me if I tell them how I feel.
Which is funny because a year or two ago I never thought I'd say that. =)

 

[smithgirl656]

for the most part i don't think i have a problem telling others my feelings but sometimes others don't understand what it is that i'm feeling. like i cry over everything i don't have to be sad, i can be mad, fruastrated. and i guess i often have a look on my face that makes people think that i'm upset or something, and most of the time i'm not. it makes me mad that they ask that. i can usually tell someone elses feelings but sometimes i will think they are like mad at me when i ask they say they aren't. i have come to think thati have a better handle on descibing my feelings and on noticing others feelingss because i read a lot it gives me words i can use to desribe feelings and in books there are times when you have to guess what the person is feeling by the way the auther descibe the situation and the persons face so i have some practice with that

 

[chinaberry]

I don't get emotional about much. I feel panic, but that's just instinctive reaction. Once my mum wanted to move my wardrobe because it was blocking the doorway partly and as she moved to shift it I burst into tears. I genuinely felt panicked. Change does that. Like I've had a certain pair of shoes forever, they're all scratty and falling apart and in the summer my grandmother told me she was going to throw them away and buy me some new ones, and I cried then too. It was over in a second. It makes me out to be quite spoilt, crying to get my way, but it's not like that, it just comes out. Like if suddenly your rage just bubbles over and you explode with anger, like when I'm at the table and the other people's noises are making me nervy.

When I cry I'm mainly frustrated or tired. My mum always told me how cold I was when I was little, because I'd never feel a thing at sad films. When I was into my Holocaust phase I didn't get why it was all scary and sad. Not many eight year olds would be mature enough to get the full thing of it but I didn't get any of it, and again with the tsunami and 9/11 I felt nothing.
I like giving people presents and making them happy makes me feel happy, but I'd rather be well away when they're opening them because I don't really know how to act when they're acting all grateful and stuff.

When I was little there was one thing which was enough to send me into a worry. I'd imagine that a person would go to a great deal of effort for another person, and the second person would say 'no thanks' and that would be the answer to all that effort. That really made me very worried just thinking about it. I remember going over and over the potential situation with my parents and they'd sort of go 'no, that wouldn't be very nice' over and over as I agonised over it. I suppose that's feeling something. And I feel nostalgia quite clearly.

 

[Sean2222]

I've got a limited emotional range. My ex-gf used to try to make me jealous, imply that she wanted to sleep with some guy. Or the time she rang me up and asked me to help her write an ad for an online dating site. The time she said that she wanted to sleep with one of my colleagues and asked me if that was a good idea I said something like "yeah, he's been a bit depressed lately, that would probably cheer him up a bit". And for the dating ad I told her to say that she liked a lot of "physical intimacy", because a lot of guys go in for that sort of thing. Both times it was ME who got into trouble. Go figure. Jealousy never made sense to me, always seemed illogical, like it served no purpose so why feel it?

I also don't get excited about anything. The best thing in the world could happen for me and the biggest reaction I might give would be a forced smile. I almost never get angry - when I do it is mostly just a put-on to get someone's attention. As a small child I remember throwing fake tantrums, acting out what I had seen other kids do. First week at school all the other kids would cry when their mothers left them. I'd just wander over to my seat and sit down and wait for school to be over. After a few days of watching the other kids I started to think that maybe my mother thought that I didn't love her because I never cried. So I put on a big scene just for her benefit one morning, totally faked it at 4 years of age.

I'm extremely emotional to the point it is overkill. And definitely is a source of unhappiness and indecision for me. Since the logical overthinking overanalyzing aspie is in me it still gets blocke dout and overrided by my propensity to make all decisions on an emotional basis. No matter how I think about it in a logical way I always end up doing this. And it willa lways cause me to be hurt by others because everything negative goes right to the heart and remind sme of all my past social failures and inability to make friends, etc. I can express certain emotions fine, but others such as ones involving conflict I can't. I end up saying the most alienating things and losing everyone. So then i got tired of losing ppl. and decidied to just turn meek and not have conflicts because you can't win no matter what you do. People are always going to use my words, emotions, feelings against me and take them in the wrong context because they simply are inept. NT's are never going to know me, nor know how to treat me in a nice manner, they are in their own selfish ill conceived peaches 'n cream worlds where only they exist. If everyone were on the spectrum around me then I might actually not be treated as poorly as I have been (not wanting to die every day of my life) and have some chance at succeeding at something in life, experience wise, school wise, job wise, anything. I've tried everything and nothing ever works with males and with nt's. One and the same male nt's are a group of ppl I wouldnt mind have disappear forever. It started with my dad and his emotional/physical abuse and continued with male kids/teachers/etc. to the point I wish they would all just, well you get the idea.

 

[Calvert]

NT's are never going to know me, nor know how to treat me in a nice manner, they are in their own selfish ill conceived peaches 'n cream worlds where only they exist. If everyone were on the spectrum around me then I might actually not be treated as poorly as I have been (not wanting to die every day of my life) and have some chance at succeeding at something in life, experience wise, school wise,  job wise, anything. I've tried everything and nothing ever works with males and with nt's. One and the same male nt's are a group of ppl I wouldnt mind have  disappear forever. 

Not all NTs are bad. I know a lot of good NTs and even some bad Aspies. You can't paint everyone with the same brush.

 

[Sean2222]

I was only talking to Chris about this yesterday. I'm not sure where I stand with feelings. I know that I react strangely to things that others don't. Stupid things with scare me, like...properly scare me and really affect me (like the film Watership Down) and other things will make me cry that won't make anyone else cry (I saw a man walking home in the pouring rain carrying his shopping and I could have cried). But on the other hand, things that scare other people and make other people, don't bother me.

And then there's the weird feeling I get when I'm really sad and I don't want to do anything. Normal people don't seem to understand what it is or why I can't actually get up. I'll stay in bed until I feel better because it's safer there. But some people don't understand why I won't help myself. But it's because there's a point where I know I'm ready to move, but until then it's like there's a mental block. Or...a wall of sadness stopping me.

As for empathy and sympathy. I can feel empathy IF i've been in exactly the same situation as they are describing, but then I feel bad for how I felt when it happened to me and not as much for them because I can't imagine if they'd react how I reacted. How am I supposed to know that? The only thing I can do is offer them advice from what I know when it happened to me. So, I guess that's not really empathy. And with sympathy I'm just as bad, if someone hurts themselves or feel ill, unless I can see the problem, like a cut or something (and it has to look really bad) I don't seem to care. I want to, but I don't know how. Or rather, I don't know what I'm supposed to do or say to make it better, because I know logically nothing I say will make a physical pain or an illness go away, so what's the point?

I understand. I never really saw this in the past but I see it now where I iwll be so affected by each individual person or bad situation that I won't be able to danything either. If I am that overcome with sadness or anger or other negative feelings I can't get myself to go anywhere, to even go on th enet forinstance. Because anyone I will interact with I am going to go blank trying to process anything they are syaing or doing because I'm still hung up on the previous thing. And I will definitely take everything out on them and not last 5 seconds in a normal talk. I can't go out in public until things re resolved for the same reasons and need to stay alone and sort things out to feel "better" until I willg o and do anything else that day.

-sean-