ayoungaspie
Well-Known Member
I don't really know where to start with this post, and I may not have posted in the right place so sorry about that. I feel like I am lacking a lot of motivation and almost felt too lazy to think about what exactly I wanted to post (if that makes sense). Part of that is boredom I guess, because I have a lot of spare time and don't make best use of it, which is what I will get into later.
The main thing that bugs me is my height (I posted about it 2 months ago). I am 5ft 4 (and 1/4) inches tall, which I feel is a pathetic height for me. My Dad is 5ft 8.5 and my mum 5ft 3. I was late going through puberty, as I didn't start until 15 and I am now 18. A special doctor said I would reach 5ft 6. I was diagnosed with "constitutional growth delay" at that age, which is just a fancy name for late bloomer. Interesting enough this is quite common for guys on the Autistic spectrum, I believe. I did grow a lot the next couple of years after that but this last year I haven't grown much, less than an inch, and that was at the start of the year. I've read a lot about growth patterns and stuff and I think I may be done growing, whereas last year I thought I was going to grow more.
So now I've gone through all that, I would just like to say that I do realise deep down my worrying is not productive, and that I can't control my height. But this has really become a big fixation and obsession, as currently I spend A LOT of time reading up on growth and height, etc, even the same things over and over. I also measure my height way too much. When I'm busy with other stuff it is still in the back of my mind and I think about how other people are better off than me because they are taller, and how I may or may not grow (or how much). I ask myself what if I stay at the same height, and try to be content either way, but simply telling myself that isn't enough to shake the obsession. The "unknown" factor is just too much, I need the predictability. But at the same time I'm scared of asking the doctor because I don't want the hope removed.
I also have a big head for my height, which I take as a hint that I might "grow into" my head (i.e., grow taller so it is smaller proportionally). But then if I don't then it is just another reason why I am so physically pathetic. I think I don't have much chance in life because of my height (most women won't date a short guy), and I am already at a disadvantage because my Aspergers makes me less likely to find romance.
All the while I feel so insignificant, not just because of my height, but because my obsessions (often in the form of anxiety) and special interests stop me from reaching out and developing friendships. I have some casual friends, but they are becoming more and more just acquaintances than friends because I don't have the capability of maintaining the contact. Because of this I just feel like I don't exist and nobody cares (except family and that, of course). I am doing a painting and decorating course at college, where I get along with some people, but I still struggle with the social cues and stuff like most Aspies do and I am anxious over that as well.
So I guess overall I don't know how I am going to shake my obsession about my height, and also get the motivation to get my head (and by that I of course do not mean the size of my head, but what is going on in my head) in a better place overall and more balance in my life. Even though there are some positives, I can't help but wish I didn't have Aspergers because I wouldn't be struggling so much. Thank you so much for reading this, even if you don't reply. Does anyone have any advice? I feel desperate at this point, I try to talk to my parents but they have worries of their own. And I really don't want to see a counselor yet.
The main thing that bugs me is my height (I posted about it 2 months ago). I am 5ft 4 (and 1/4) inches tall, which I feel is a pathetic height for me. My Dad is 5ft 8.5 and my mum 5ft 3. I was late going through puberty, as I didn't start until 15 and I am now 18. A special doctor said I would reach 5ft 6. I was diagnosed with "constitutional growth delay" at that age, which is just a fancy name for late bloomer. Interesting enough this is quite common for guys on the Autistic spectrum, I believe. I did grow a lot the next couple of years after that but this last year I haven't grown much, less than an inch, and that was at the start of the year. I've read a lot about growth patterns and stuff and I think I may be done growing, whereas last year I thought I was going to grow more.
So now I've gone through all that, I would just like to say that I do realise deep down my worrying is not productive, and that I can't control my height. But this has really become a big fixation and obsession, as currently I spend A LOT of time reading up on growth and height, etc, even the same things over and over. I also measure my height way too much. When I'm busy with other stuff it is still in the back of my mind and I think about how other people are better off than me because they are taller, and how I may or may not grow (or how much). I ask myself what if I stay at the same height, and try to be content either way, but simply telling myself that isn't enough to shake the obsession. The "unknown" factor is just too much, I need the predictability. But at the same time I'm scared of asking the doctor because I don't want the hope removed.
I also have a big head for my height, which I take as a hint that I might "grow into" my head (i.e., grow taller so it is smaller proportionally). But then if I don't then it is just another reason why I am so physically pathetic. I think I don't have much chance in life because of my height (most women won't date a short guy), and I am already at a disadvantage because my Aspergers makes me less likely to find romance.
All the while I feel so insignificant, not just because of my height, but because my obsessions (often in the form of anxiety) and special interests stop me from reaching out and developing friendships. I have some casual friends, but they are becoming more and more just acquaintances than friends because I don't have the capability of maintaining the contact. Because of this I just feel like I don't exist and nobody cares (except family and that, of course). I am doing a painting and decorating course at college, where I get along with some people, but I still struggle with the social cues and stuff like most Aspies do and I am anxious over that as well.
So I guess overall I don't know how I am going to shake my obsession about my height, and also get the motivation to get my head (and by that I of course do not mean the size of my head, but what is going on in my head) in a better place overall and more balance in my life. Even though there are some positives, I can't help but wish I didn't have Aspergers because I wouldn't be struggling so much. Thank you so much for reading this, even if you don't reply. Does anyone have any advice? I feel desperate at this point, I try to talk to my parents but they have worries of their own. And I really don't want to see a counselor yet.
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