Ex betrayed me and dumped me after years for an autism teachers aide

[Steph06]

I was dating a guy (good friends for 4 years, dated after that for 1.5 years) who seemed like he really had my back. He was there for me throughout my diagnosis (and my family absolutely refused to be supportive, so it was extra great to have his love and support throughout the ordeal.)

I really thought this was it. This was the guy I was going to spend my life with. He loved me, he was supportive, everything was ok. It made the ASD diagnosis easier too bc I felt like 'well it's ok bc I'm still successfully forming long term relationships' etc etc.

The guy's mom was really freaked out at the diagnosis because she's shallow and doesn't want autistic grandkids, but the guy himself was supportive and great. I really thought everything was going to be ok.

Anyway a few months after all this, the guy disclosed he'd fallen for another girl during our relationship and he was leaving me. She's NT -- and is a teachers aide at an elementary school for special needs kids, including a lot aspies. I'm currently getting my phd in neuroscience, so guys who dated me are usually looking to date strong and intelligent, kind of the opposite of elementary school aides.

I'm fed up, I'm frustrated, and I'm scared that I didn't see this betrayal coming. Mostly I came here to rant. It's silly but it feels a little like a slap in the face that his mom gave me such a hard time about my diagnosis and now he's dating an NT who helps kids with the diagnosis. Like she's somehow better or more acceptable dating material. Whatever. But also I came here wondering if there's any issue that makes us prone to be completely blindsided in relationships like that. I mean, does everyone get lied to and burned like that? Or just aspie folks?

 

[Vanilla]

Hey Steph

Sorry to hear; dating can be glorious, but it can also really suck too at times. I think most of us can relate, and while it may be harder for us Aspies, I dare say it's not just Aspies who struggle with this; many NTs go through these issues everyday; you see it all the time, everywhere.

I went through something similar myself, just over a year ago. The guy I was with was "just friends" with this girl at work. I trusted him, so didn't think much of it. He ended up leaving me to be with her.

The only reason I've kept him as a friend, is because he helped me through a horrible time, and was the only one there for me through all of it. These days he's alone, but he often hints he wants to get back together (though never actually says it out loud). To be honest, I don't think I could ever trust him again. He's a good friend, but I deserve better; as do you.

I know the last thing you want to hear is that it gets easier with time, but it does. Just keep yourself busy, and perhaps do what you can to find purpose in your life. Do things for yourself; things you've not done in a while, things you've always wanted to try, or simply indulge in something you love; it'll make the healing process much more bearable.

 

[Judge]

I had a pretty close relationship with my mother. However it never involved how she felt about my girlfriends....at least until there was a breakup. That said, I can't help but wonder about how much influence your ex's mother may have had over her son.

Otherwise I'd be more likely to say that this can potentially happen to anyone, regardless of neurological concerns. But yes, as a single person (no longer looking) I do wonder how much we are perceived as potentially "high-maintenance" partners. Otherwise what can we say?

It can happen...even to the best of us. Just sorry it had to happen to you Steph.

 

[Ereth]

First of all, I know I'm not alone here when I say that I'm so, so sorry that this happened to you/

This can happen to anyone, and while it may be true that people with autism are perhaps a little more vulnerable because of their "social blindness," I wouldn't say it's destined to happen, though. My NT boyfriend has been repeatedly abused by most of the women he's dated.

And Judge has a point . . . I think your ex might've bowed to his mother because he just didn't want to deal with the pressure. It's sad that she couldn't accept you or the idea of autistic grandkids, but in a way, you actually might have dodged a potentially bad situation. If your ex couldn't put his foot down and tell his mother that her behavior wasn't acceptable after knowing you for that long, and supposedly supporting you, I don't know if he would've been able to do it post-nuptials.

Welcome to AspiesCentral. You're among friends.

 

[GallacticGorilla]

That's a bummer. I know that feeling well, and it sucks. )= From your avatar/icon pic you look beautiful AND you are getting a doctorate in neuroscience. Shoot, his loss!! Sounds like he left steak for hamburger. If you lived in Colorado I'd take you on a date in a second. All though I also see you as being Aspie as a positive thing for me and am a big time sapiosexual. (look it up, its not dirty)

Hang in there- sometimes time is the only thing that heals, but it will heal.


P.S. I always thought if i had to live my life over again, I would study neuroscience and/or endocrinology. Thats very cool you are going for that.

 

[Turk]

Hi Steph,
Let me apologize on behalf of your Ex, as you deserve better. Unfortunately this scenario plays out in many relationships and im pretty sure that there are plenty that dont see it coming. Its funny how a label changes things for some people, when their NT brothers and sisters are just as prone, to dysfunctional relationships. I think the biggest issue for us is trust. To offer it and have someone abuse it, hits us harder than most. I like to believe that one door closes, so another can open. If you give yourself to someone, in total commitment, being blindsided when things go wrong is inevitable. To love without that commitment robs us of what it truely means to bond with someone. Dont stop taking risks, the alternative is only an echo of the true meaning of love.

 

[tlc]

Hey sorry to hear what happened. I can kinda relate. My NT ex of 8 years (married for 6) always railed on me for what I would find out later were aspie or autistic traits. Soon after she hooked up with a guy who has 2 autistic boys and that was 1.5 years ago. Just makes you shake your head at what people are really after in life.

 

[StormchaserNYC]

I am 26, and I am in kind of the same boat you are. To be honest, I am much worse off. I have been on only two short date and both of the girls I dated were abelist scumbags. I literally paid for all of their dates despite only having one part-time job that I do 4 hours a week since no one else will hire me because of discrimination.

One girl decided not to pursue the relationship solely because of my Aspergers and the second girl refused to date me again after the 2nd date because I kind of hurt her feelings by implying she was going to dump me because I have autism. Well, I was right and she did.

I honestly don't have any hope for my dating future and I don't feel like confessing to a girl I like her only for her to betray me like that, I don't have the time for assholes like that. I guess I'm always destined to be single.