Don't know what I'm doing....

[bigfootjrf81]

Hello:

Looking for advice on this. I don't know if this is an Aspie thing, or just an everybody thing:

Let me start off by saying in my own way, I love my wife. Lately, I have been having a lot of trouble grasping the concept of what "love" means. I have a deep care and concern for my wife's health, welfare, and happiness. I appreciate all of the things that she does for me on a daily basis and, like the Bible says (we're both Christians), I would be willing to lay my life down for her. But, love..... that's a tough emotion to say yes or no to.

The focus of this post is affection. I don't get it. When I say that, I'm not saying I don't receive it, I'm saying I, a presumably intelligent individual working on a master's in counseling, do not get the idea of affection. Like any red-blooded male, I understand the idea of release, but I'm.... just... awkward, I guess you could say. She wants to be "loved." My male brain immediately jumps to "ah! flowers! Got ya" But, no, that is not the answer. It's like I don't feel compelled to show affection; like I'm... impeded in some way from having the urge or desire to touch, hold, or even kiss with meaning. Even in our physical interactions, I feel awkward, self-analytical, and "impeded." It makes me feel the the worst husband in the world.

I feel like I have put her through hell and back with my childhood stories of issues, and my current fight against whatever this Asperger thing is. I actually offered her the option once to find someone who can make her as happy as she wants. Thankfully, she didn't.

Now, my kids are a different story. I hug, cuddle, snuggle, kiss, and feel a great surge of warmth and acceptance from our interactions. But my wife..... I Just. Don't. Know.

I feel that I am fulfilling my duty scripturally, but I don't know if I'm being a "husband."

Even if it's not biblical advice, please render your opinions

Thanks everyone. I'm kind of in a funk today.

 

[Ereth]

I doubt very much that this is "an Aspie thing," though your analytical responses in your interactions with her probably do stem from the ASD. If you're unsure what she means by "loved," you must talk to her. Talk to her even if you know what she means, because communication is absolutely necessary in addressing this issue.

Best wishes.

 

[bigfootjrf81]

I doubt very much that this is "an Aspie thing," though your analytical responses in your interactions with her probably do stem from the ASD. If you're unsure what she means by "loved," you must talk to her. Talk to her even if you know what she means, because communication is absolutely necessary in addressing this issue.

Best wishes.

We have talked about it many times before. She usually refers to being touched, or sent a text message, or something to show her that I'm thinking about her. My problem is it's really difficult to do for some reason. I feel.....mechanical, I guess is the word. I feel like I'm doing something just to do it, instead of out of affection. It's really hard to explain. And, sometimes, I judge what her motives or reaction is going to be to the action. I view it as being considerate to her feelings; she views it as being treated as nothing more than a "roommate."

I hope this makes sense....

 

[Ereth]

It sounds to me like your wife just wants you to show your affection without over-thinking it. Don't worry about her reactions before they happen---just act and watch what happens.

Yes, you've been considerate, but there's such a thing as worrying too much. She's your wife, and she loves you. It's okay to drop your defenses. If she has a problem with anything you do---a hug, a kiss, or whatever---she will tell you herself. Don't let the little voice in your head do it for her.

I learned that from my boyfriend when I was worried about how he would react to displays of my affection.

 

[bigfootjrf81]

It sounds to me like your wife just wants you to show your affection without over-thinking it. Don't worry about her reactions before they happen---just act and watch what happens.

Yes, you've been considerate, but there's such a thing as worrying too much. She's your wife, and she loves you. It's okay to drop your defenses. If she has a problem with anything you do---a hug, a kiss, or whatever---she will tell you herself. Don't let the little voice in your head do it for her.

I learned that from my boyfriend when I was worried about how he would react to displays of my affection.

LOL. That's verbatim what she says.

It just seems hard to feel comfortable enough to bring myself to do that.

And, this may sound completely stupid, but figuring out how often to do it is also an issue. Like I said, not trying be stupid, but should I set an alarm on my phone or something when it's time? Should I be doing something every day, twice a day, once a week??? Once again, that may sound completely ignorant and I apologize for that, but these are the crazy things that go around in my head.

 

[Ereth]

Well, you shouldn't feel forced to do it on a schedule. What is it that makes you want to show your kids affection spontaneously, but not do the same for your wife? You need to figure that out.

And you don't need to apologize to me. I'm here for the same reasons you are, so I understand what it's like to struggle with things like this.

 

[bigfootjrf81]

The answer to that is probably because I spend more time in close contact with them. She's with them all day, and I know that's not an easy job, so I take them off her hands when I get home.


~~~The Bigfoot~~~

 

[Turk]

Hi Bigfoot,
Your story is not unlike mine. Intimacy and displays of random affection are something every woman's dream. Through my condition, I refer to myself as the forgetful lover. To achieve the head space to accomplish intimacy, requires massive resources, on my part. When im in the groove, I can be the most attentive husband, when im not, my ignorance hurts her in a way, she shouldnt have to live with. Balancing her needs against my condition has always been difficult. When im the husband she needs, im not the person I need. So, Bigfoot, I understand your concerns, my friend. Is there an answer? I live with a foot in each life. The more I spend in hers, the more I lose of myself. What she has endured, has me giving more to her life, because she is owed that. The long term effect for me, remains uncertain, but I have the uneasy feeling, its not going to be a good thing. That in essence, is why im here

 

[Turk]

Probably should of mentioned, that despite how taxing it is, I have managed to develop techniques, for making my wife feel special. Alot of it revolves around me slowing down and taking in my environment, but if you want to know more, let me know.

 

[Christy]

I don't know if this is helpful, but people show love in different ways. Some people interpret giving of small gifts as the demonstration of love, while others use words, and others give touch (i.e. a cuddle). It could be that how you naturally show love, and how she naturally shows love (and therefore how you both naturally are expecting to receive it) could be different.

If that is the case, then by understanding how she gives and receives it helps you tailer yourself to her. Yes you will feel awkward by adapting to her nature, but it is a way meeting her needs. But by the same token, if you can identify how you naturally give and receive it, and if you can convey that to her, then she can tailer herself to you too. It also means that she can start to identify when you show love in your own way, even if it's not how she would naturally give and receive it.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Reminds me of the issues written about by this author Home | The 5 Love Languages®

 

[epath13]

is she unhappy? has she ever told you she's unhappy? has she ever said, why don't you do this? Is she constantly disappointed in you? If not, don't worry about it too much, be yourself and maybe, on occasion, ask her what she wants you to do, or what she wants you to do together. Just be honest, say, that you're not sure because of your Asperger's (it's not an uncommon issue). Plus every woman is different, one woman wants flowers and whatnot, another wants you to clean the whole house and give her a break, the 3rd would want to go on some sort of an adventure ... some just need a little cuddle and a kiss... whatever I, don't know I am a woman on the spectrum in heterosexual relationship (married) so it's a little different I guess (my needs may be different) but from my relationship experience with women, it seems some NT women want men/ partners to guess or even know and predict what they want and it can turn into hell for aspies and for women themselves, so the best solution is: openness about each other needs and expectations....
Some additional stuff:
As for love, some folks might have already said it: everybody experience and express love differently. If you think you love her, you do. Subject of love is a very vague for me. But in relationship I identify it a profound connection with somebody whom you consider to be an important part of your life. Ask her what she wants, and maybe ask her to talk about her needs frequently so you wouldn't have to guess.
I guess, that's all I've got
I'm a jumpy reader, that's why my response might seem a little scrambled

 

[bigfootjrf81]

Thank you, everyone for responding. Wanted to drop a quick update: we took the "5 Love Languages" profile (thank you, ste11aeres!!), and it returned some interesting results. Between the two of us, we took it 4 times: once as ourselves, and once how we thought the other would respond. Then, being the geek I am, I plotted our scores into excel and made a line chart. Seeing this in visual format really helped me understand.

So, the blue line is me. The purple line is how she took it as me. Scary, huh? Needless to say (and embarrassing), the red line is me taking it as her, and the green line is how she took it.
You can clearly see a discrepancy. However, I used to believe my wife could not relate to me, but now I see she really does know me.
Anyway, I am trying now to work on giving her love in the category she wants.
Thanks, everyone!!


~~~The Bigfoot~~~