Don't Know if I Want to Dump My Girlfriend or Not? Help!

[Connor Malone]

So I've been going out with this girl for a few months now and things were going great. She's really nice. We like the same things and she knows all about my diagnosis of HFA. But really we hardly ever talk about it. It's like she just ignores that part of our relationship. Plus when she gets mad at me because I've "Done something" She'll just ignore me until she feels like I've been punished enough. Like I ask her whats wrong and she comes out with "You should know what you did" I just find this really irritating and immature. Plus I tell her that because of what I have I wont be able to figure it out unless she actually tells. So at this point I'm considering dumping her and trying my luck elsewhere. Any advice?

 

[xudo]

This seems to me very much like what the vast majority of NT's who come here looking for relationship advice complain about to do with their ASD partners.

I can't offer you any advice, but I'm sure others here will. Maybe have a look at some of the other threads started by NT partners of people on the spectrum as maybe this will give you some insight into how NT's feel about certain ASD behaviours.

Ultimately, only you can decide what to do with your life and your relationships.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

So I've been going out with this girl for a few months now and things were going great. She's really nice. We like the same things and she knows all about my diagnosis of HFA. But really we hardly ever talk about it. It's like she just ignores that part of our relationship. Plus when she gets mad at me because I've "Done something" She'll just ignore me until she feels like I've been punished enough. Like I ask her whats wrong and she comes out with "You should know what you did" I just find this really irritating and immature. Plus I tell her that because of what I have I wont be able to figure it out unless she actually tells. So at this point I'm considering dumping her and trying my luck elsewhere. Any advice?

Send her an email. Ask her if she wants to work together to have a different response when these things happen.

I think most everyone does this (NT) to varying degrees.

We may do different stuff.

How do you see it in 5 years?

 

[Warmheart]

Everybody deserves clear communication without game-playing. Aspies are often either slightly challenged to significantly impaired with reading social cues. We really NEED to be given a "free pass" in not picking up on those social cues, not knowing the unwritten rules, etc.

I think many of us really do require someone who faces our ASD, and spends time researching how ASD impacts our communication, relating, and engaging. Our style is going to differ.

I wish you a very giving, clued-in, supportive partner.

 

[jamesaldrin]

(I'm just an eighteen year old, and my autism is pretty light compared to other people, so take it into consideration while reading my response)

I can see why she gets upset. You must be upsetting her sometimes without noticing. And of course she would want a boyfriend who is emotionally connected to her, a boyfriend who can know how to not upset her.

Autism shouldn't be used as an excuse to not know what upsets her. I have developed social skills and social intuition over the past two years, and can tell what would upset a girl with reasonable accuracy, so you can too. (Albeit my autism is pretty light.)

Yeah, we have it harder. But we shouldn't give up and rely on the Autism pass.

I've never been in a relationship, but I always hear jokes about how the girl gets mad at the guy and he doesn't know what he did. So NTs have this issue too.

 

[OkRad]

It would very much hurt me if someone did that to me even for a day, so I am not sure I could take that. But, I suck at relationships so I cannot give advise, but I hope you can communicate together and see how it may go!

 

[gregmcph]

If you say to her "Just tell me when I screwed up", and then she does that. She actually tells you. You're not replying with pleasantries, or you keep saying "I hate...". Whatever it may be.

If she kept checking your behaviour, how would you feel? Do you really want that?

 

[ladybug]

So I've been going out with this girl for a few months now and things were going great. She's really nice. We like the same things and she knows all about my diagnosis of HFA. But really we hardly ever talk about it. It's like she just ignores that part of our relationship. Plus when she gets mad at me because I've "Done something" She'll just ignore me until she feels like I've been punished enough. Like I ask her whats wrong and she comes out with "You should know what you did" I just find this really irritating and immature. Plus I tell her that because of what I have I wont be able to figure it out unless she actually tells. So at this point I'm considering dumping her and trying my luck elsewhere. Any advice?

I'm NT in a relationship with a possibly Aspie partner, if you like her and she you, cant you have a face to face without blame etc and just explain to her (again) the subtleties of your HFA...? as it probably gets 'lost' in your day to day interactions with her... and as its no so obvious, she 'forgets' that you do struggle with communication.... just a reminder, when you are both calm, so that she's aware of how you're not a mind reader on this one...!!


however, there is no excuse for the 'silent treatment'... i hate that 'game'...!!

 

[Rich Gray]

Let her know that you are incapable or somewhat limited in understanding many of the dating games that go on (flirtation, playing hard to get, odd looks, and so on). Some folks find these games fun, or see them as a normal part of a relationship.

Let her know that you cannot engage in these games as if you were NT, as you do not see or understand them the same. Tell her that she needs to be (more?) forthcoming or blunt. You will not see many of the initiations of these games. It is hard to play when you do not know that you are playing.

 

[Shiznown]

Honestly dude, if this becomes an ongoing thing, it's just going to piss you off. It's one of the reasons I don't do well with NT women. I would just tell her something along the lines of "Well if you don't tell me that's your fault. So either tell me, or continuing getting pissed off." Try explaining how you have trouble with social skills and do what others have suggested. A lot of NT cannot understand this well and it'll just lead to frustration with both parties. If the issue doesn't resolve at some point, it's best to let her go.

 

[Shiznown]

Also, I'd point out that if you are 19 I assume your girlfriend is around your age. People don't really mature until they're close to 30. A lot of young NT women are not going to understand your issues, or care to understand.

 

[Rich Gray]

I started dating my wife in high school. Before we were official, I told her something like "I don't understand all those dating games, please be direct."

It seemed to have worked.

 

[Connor Malone]

So I've been going out with this girl for a few months now and things were going great. She's really nice. We like the same things and she knows all about my diagnosis of HFA. But really we hardly ever talk about it. It's like she just ignores that part of our relationship. Plus when she gets mad at me because I've "Done something" She'll just ignore me until she feels like I've been punished enough. Like I ask her whats wrong and she comes out with "You should know what you did" I just find this really irritating and immature. Plus I tell her that because of what I have I wont be able to figure it out unless she actually tells. So at this point I'm considering dumping her and trying my luck elsewhere. Any advice?

Thought that I would give you's all an update on the whole situation and thanks a lot for your advice everyone it managed to help. It turns out she cheated on me a few weeks after my first post and because of that I dumped her. I just knew right then and there that it wasn't going to work out because if I kept getting the silent treatment I would just hold the fact that she cheated on me over her. We're trying to be friends and so on because were part of the same friend group so I'd say things are going well. Again thanks a lot for your advice guys, if you want to know more on what happened (which I doubt because this is just some shite teenage drama) let me know