Digging Your Own Grave

[Sev]

In a nut shell I have a problem socializing. Generally, I will either get really anxious when I do, stutter, miss jokes, misunderstand something...the list is almost endless. Regardless of all this and me being disinclined to socialize, I still do. For some reason I constantly feel an obligation to talk to people and hang out with people (Even though I hate it). When I fall to this obligation/instinct I end up embarrassing myself, acting strange and being a weirdo; so realistically I'm "digging my own grave" in a social sense.

Does anyone else deal with anything similar to this?

 

[Ste11aeres]

Maybe you will find the right person who will like you the way you are. The more people you meet and talk to, in other words the more you socialize, the greater are the odds of finding that person. If you were to hide away, the odds of finding that person would be greatly reduced. But there is no obligation to socialize.
Is there an element of OCD in your feeling of an "obligation"?
Some people might like your weirdness.

 

[wyverary]

I was this same way for a very long time. Up through my early twenties, I felt compelled to socialize and yet was very bad at it. "Be yourself" is common advice, and if you're lucky you'll find one person whom you can connect with. Having this person can be a way of "getting your foot in the door," so to speak; this person can be a sort of "anchor" or "guide" and their presence may make you feel a little more comfortable and at ease in social situations. As stella said, that "right person" is someone who may be attracted to you for those quirky Aspie qualities of yours.

These days, when it comes to socializing, I never go in cold; I always make sure there is at least one or two people with whom I am comfortable and who are also aware of my limitations and have the empathy and skill to guide me along. When this happens, the socializing can actually become enjoyable rather than terrifying.

 

[Judge]

I've found it somewhat therapeutic to initiate very minor and benign social contacts which don't involve critical communication. Like being friendly to grocery store checkers. Very short conversations that I can be in control of without any real cost regardless of how they go.

Practice will never make me "perfect" in socialization, but it keeps things in perspective and appearing to be less threatening when the time comes for more critical communications. Gives me a little more self-confidence in dealing with people when unexpected. Especially total strangers.

 

[Christian T]

I always find that it helps if the conversation has some meaningful purpose other than small talk, such as if you've joined a club that pertains to a special interest of yours, or if you're being introduced to other people by someone you know already, that way you can let them do the initial talking and fill in the silences.

In terms of digging one's own grave, I've always found that I obsessively replay any slight social imperfections in every conversation I've ever head, constantly berating myself for something that I should or should not have said or done. Sometimes I've even tried to explain myself or apologise a considerable time after my social blunder, but only to find that the other people have either ceased to care or totally forgotten about it. I don't think anyone is really a perfect conversationalist, there's a lot of hit and miss when it comes to social banter (some jokes are genuinely funny, some aren't, sometimes you're perfectly eloquent but other times you can be hopelessly inarticulate), so embarrassing oneself is a given in social interactions. the more you socialise, the more this is bound to happen I think, Aspie or not.

 

[Crazi]

Yes! It's called extroversion my friend and it is a powerful force.

I too dig my own grave but I find this often happens when I go back on something I said or try to over explain myself. Sometimes those are tough judgement calls but you don't have to say everything you think. know when it's too late to save something and try and do better next time. <- Words I try to live by.

 

[Wintertime]

Augh... socialising. It has never, ever been easy for me. I think I have all but given up on real life friendships so the following is in relation to online ones. I definitely dig my own grave, almost exactly how you describe, Sev, with some changes for online contacts, but the only difference with me is that I genuinely want to have close friendships, I love the comfort, the security, the companionship but it seems like whenever I get close to someone, my aspie traits happen more or are more obnoxious because I'm more comfortable with the person, and so more of my real personality comes out, or whatever, and then things crash and burn. Like, stuttering in person is analogous, say, to having delayed reactions online, typing something than realizing anytime from a few seconds to a few hours later that it didn't quite come out right. Sure do loves me that edit function.

And this is past the point where my general weirdness has been overcome and they've given me a 'chance' so to speak. That sifts a lot of people out of the running to begin with. Those that are left, well. It is not easy. I am so freaking confused at this point. I get feedback and every single problem they accuse me of is something that is a rock solid aspie trait, and therefore something over which I have little to no control. My brain wiring...

My friendships are only smooth when I'm not really being myself, but the expectation of who I think they want me to be (which I don't even realize that I do, a lot of the time, so deep is that 'mirroring'). I am at a stage in life where I am tired of that and I just want to be who I am. I am an introvert but I do get lonely and companionship is so wonderful. Even if you're not really saying anything, working on different things, but you're just -there- and check in every so often with each other. So I'd like to have that again at some point in life.

I often wonder if this will ever change, and I sure hope so. But I'd be lying if I said that I had high hopes. Even posting here I am a little shy but I have read a lot of posts here and I'd say there's a better chance of my fitting in here than pretty much every other place I've hung out lately.

Sev, I wonder if this might be the same for you as it is for me- if there was a group of people, friends, who would not react adversely to anything I could do, like, I had complete freedom to be/do/say anything at all, just act naturally for once, and I knew that, it was guaranteed. I bet it would make interacting socially so much easier and less stressful.

 

[Sev]

Augh... socialising. It has never, ever been easy for me. I think I have all but given up on real life friendships so the following is in relation to online ones. I definitely dig my own grave, almost exactly how you describe, Sev, with some changes for online contacts, but the only difference with me is that I genuinely want to have close friendships, I love the comfort, the security, the companionship but it seems like whenever I get close to someone, my aspie traits happen more or are more obnoxious because I'm more comfortable with the person, and so more of my real personality comes out, or whatever, and then things crash and burn. Like, stuttering in person is analogous, say, to having delayed reactions online, typing something than realizing anytime from a few seconds to a few hours that it didn't quite come out right. Sure do loves me that edit function.

And this is past the point where my general weirdness has been overcome and they've given me a 'chance' so to speak. That sifts a lot of people out of the running to begin with. Those that are left, well. It is not easy. I am so freaking confused at this point. I get feedback and every single problem they accuse me of is something that is a rock solid aspie trait, and therefore something over which I have little to no control. My brain wiring...

My friendships are only smooth when I'm not really being myself, but the expectation of who I think they want me to be (which I don't even realize that I do, a lot of the time, so deep is that 'mirroring'). I am at a stage in life where I am tired of that and I just want to be who I am. I am an introvert but I do get lonely and companionship is so wonderful. Even if you're not really saying anything, working on different things, but you're just -there- and check in every so often with each other. So I'd like to have that again at some point in life.

I often wonder if this will ever change, and I sure hope so. But I'd be lying if I said that I had high hopes. Even posting here I am a little shy but I have read a lot of posts here and I'd say there's a better chance of my fitting in here than pretty much every other place I've hung out lately.

Sev, I wonder if this might be the same for you as it is for me- if there was a group of people, friends, who would not react adversely to anything I could do, like, I had complete freedom to be/do/say anything at all, just act naturally for once, and I knew that, it was guaranteed. I bet it would make interacting socially so much easier and less stressful.

I relate completely. The only reason why I dislike socializing and get so stressed over it, is because I drive people off with my "weirdness". It would definitely be less stressful if I could just act natural without fear of rejection.

 

[Sev]

Some people might like your weirdness.

I look forward to the day that I find a person that likes my weirdness.

 

[Wintertime]

You know what. I've been thinking about this all night. Really, there is hope. My head is clearing now and I'm getting my perspective back. I want to share with you these thoughts because they may help.

I have found people like that, Sev. It is possible! I am not as close with them anymore insofar as hanging out regularly because our lives took different trajectories, and some I don't talk to at all anymore because of other circumstances, but they still cared and they did not 'reject' me in that fundamental sense. It is harder. I didn't find friends that appreciated my particular brand of weird until my late teens. And I have gone long periods where I wasn't close to anyone. But people can and do come into our lives who do appreciate our weird.

It reminds me of that 'beat of a different drummer' thing. I personally don't think there is anything 'wrong' with me (although I definitely have flaws, everyone does). -It is the reactions of others that makes me feel as though I am socially clueless- or awkward or weird or whatever -because that is what they are projecting to or upon me-. That I am weird or unpleasant. My reality is that I am just different. If you or I or anyone of us were in a vacuum without NT type people or 'social typicals', who would think there was a problem? No one.