Curious if anyone else experiences this?

[Wooaspie]

In any event of something happening in my life that would be considered devastating, heartbreaking, or bad news breaking, I notice that the people in my life expect me to feel a certain way. A death in the family is the best example I can think of right now, but this happens with many different occasions. I can remember when I lost someone close to me, and it has happened a few times. I accept it and move on quickly. But then I start getting the how are you or are you okays like they have their minds made up already that I'm sad or angry. I guess understandable since the majority of people's reaction to deth would be this way. But then when I say yea I'm good I get that look or that feeling like they don't quite believe you, they think your hiding your feelings or not confronting them. This is when it becomes difficult for me because now I feel like I have to change or support my behavior. It's like there looking at me with sympathy because they think I'm probably sad, so thy treat me like I'm sad and look at me like I'm sad because they made up their minds that I should be sad. So then I either fold and play the part or end up sad and angry not because of the death but because of the way there assuming how I should be feeling and are treating me according to what they think I should be like at that time.
I know this seems rantful but it's the only way I can explain it. This happens all the time on small scales as well as large. It's like people dont wanna believe that I can accept that these things happen and move on. These deaths in my family happened many years ago and is not a current situation. I'm just illustrating the social element involved because it is difficult when so often instead of people looking at what you are right now their looking at what they think your supposed to be. It kind of sucks when time spent battling that false evaluation could be spent more productively. So I'm curious if anyone knows what I'm talking about and if so any experiences that you might share on the subject.

 

[Judge]

I can only express an opinion here.

My impression of NT behavior is that they seem to default to having a uniform sense of expressing grief. Right down to the publishing of a "dummies" book on the subject. <facepalm>

I've expressed my attitude on this subject a number of times in this forum. That our grief is our own. That how we express it or don't is our process- as individuals, not conforming to any group of people or notions of "conventional wisdom".

How YOU handle it, is simply how YOU handle it. Nothing more, nothing less.

In my own case, I prefer to keep it to myself, although I can carry around grief for a very long time in some cases. No person telling me how I ought to behave will ever change this.

 

[Balkan1996]

Hmm... Maybe people with ASD really do move on more quickly than NT people (in average).

But I, for example, take death cases very badly. When my grandmother died a few years ago, I felt like I was responsible although I certainly wasn't. I became very irrational and depressive.

 

[wyverary]

I can only express an opinion here.

My impression of NT behavior is that they seem to default to having a uniform sense of expressing grief. Right down to the publishing of a "dummies" book on the subject. <facepalm>

I must strongly disagree here, as I have myself witnessed many manifestations of grief among NT's, and they can vary wildly, from numbness and total shutdown, to prolonged bouts of weeping, to anger... Some it barely seems to affect them at all. And, apparently this variance occurs within the autistic population as well. I can sometimes react very strongly to grief, and there have been a couple of cases where I find it really hard to "accept it and move on."

The obvious point has already been made, that everyone experiences grief in different ways and they should never be told by anyone else how they ought to grieve.

 

[Judge]

I must strongly disagree here, as I have myself witnessed many manifestations of grief among NT's, and they can vary wildly, from numbness and total shutdown, to prolonged bouts of weeping, to anger... Some it barely seems to affect them at all.

I should probably have better stated the context of my statement. I agree, how NTs actually handle their own grief likely varies. My point of view is based on my own experience, of being constantly told or reminded how to grieve or not to grieve by NT family and friends.

After a time it all began to sound the same to me. From my perspective, I'm apt to think this persistent, intrusive preaching to people how to grieve, or commenting on whether they do or don't strikes me as an NT behavior. The most I would ever tell people is that their grief, whatever it may be is their own.

 

[clg114]

Aspie or NT, we are all different.

 

[Suzanne]

I do get you very much!

Just last year, out of the blue, my brother in law was found dead and we got to know, as we where walking out of our front door, when the phone rang and it was the police. How I reacted was, I guess shock and bewilderment and cried, believe it or not, because I did not know what else to do and then it turned into genuine pain and all I can say is that I was acting part, but at the same time, I was not being false, weird eh?

I think I became slightly obsessed with the death actually and the pictures my husband put up of his brother, I could not stop looking at and talking to him but honestly, two week's or so, all the displayed and now, I feel cold , which upsets my husband, but I cannot resend to grieve, when I am not!

I do not like open displays of emotion

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I can only express an opinion here.

My impression of NT behavior is that they seem to default to having a uniform sense of expressing grief. Right down to the publishing of a "dummies" book on the subject. <facepalm>

It's true! There is a "Grieving for Dummies" book. Who'd a thunk? (Those silly NT's )

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I don't bother to fake grief when I'm not grieving and that often upsets others. I wasn't immediately upset when my father died (mostly because I was on such good terms with him), people (who never knew him) would tell me how sorry they are, I would say I don't really want any sympathy and they would insist on expressing condolences nonetheless. Quite aggressively, suggesting there is something callous or otherwise wrong with me if I'm not grieving or that I'm being ingracious if I don't want to hear about their alleged sympathy.

It got to the point where I didn't want to talk about my father's death for this reason alone. When I did, before I told anyone, I would preface by insisting don't say sorry no matter what I tell you next. And they would still say sorry. WTF?

I don't think other's expressions of condolences are usually genuinely sympathetic at all. Rather, narcissistically, they are a way for the speaker to congratulate himself on how empathetic he is with a few cheap words. "I'm sorry for your loss" sounds a lot like "your call is important to us" to me.

The funny thing is that I got seriously upset about daddy's death about 6 months later once it set in I was truly alone in this world for the first time. Under the DSM-IV, that would be diagnosed as major depressive disorder because according to the "bereavement exclusion," psychiatrists have dictated that if you have depressive symptoms more than 2 months, you are mentally ill and don't have an excuse to be bummed. DSM-V is even better because it eliminates the bereavement exclusion altogether, meaning all depressive symptoms after loss are indications of innate mental illness. What a load of crap.

The bottom line: mainstream society, in its usual nosy and nagging way, sees fit to dictate to everyone when they should grieve, when they should stop grieving and how they should grieve. Do any of these things wrong and you are wrong. One size fits all people and all losses.

I don't like the response "I'm sorry for your loss". I'm into etiquette but I feel that response is a little too "expected" and people tend to fall back on it for lack of something better to say. I actually won't say it, but I will try to get the person to talk about the one that passed and I'll ask how they are doing. I'll sit with the person and listen or do nothing - they usually just don't want to be alone especially if the person just died. The "I'm sorry for your loss" is just too robotic and uncaring to me. I prefer to make up my own grieving cards too - something more personal.

Sounds like you cared a lot about your Pa. That's very nice to see.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I don't bother to fake grief when I'm not grieving and that often upsets others. I wasn't immediately upset when my father died (mostly because I was on such good terms with him), people (who never knew him) would tell me how sorry they are, I would say I don't really want any sympathy and they would insist on expressing condolences nonetheless. Quite aggressively, suggesting there is something callous or otherwise wrong with me if I'm not grieving or that I'm being ingracious if I don't want to hear about their alleged sympathy.

It got to the point where I didn't want to talk about my father's death for this reason alone. When I did, before I told anyone, I would preface by insisting don't say sorry no matter what I tell you next. And they would still say sorry. WTF?

I don't think other's expressions of condolences are usually genuinely sympathetic at all. Rather, narcissistically, they are a way for the speaker to congratulate himself on how empathetic he is with a few cheap words. "I'm sorry for your loss" sounds a lot like "your call is important to us" to me.

The funny thing is that I got seriously upset about daddy's death about 6 months later once it set in I was truly alone in this world for the first time. Under the DSM-IV, that would be diagnosed as major depressive disorder because according to the "bereavement exclusion," psychiatrists have dictated that if you have depressive symptoms more than 2 months, you are mentally ill and don't have an excuse to be bummed. DSM-V is even better because it eliminates the bereavement exclusion altogether, meaning all depressive symptoms after loss are indications of innate mental illness. What a load of crap.

The bottom line: mainstream society, in its usual nosy and nagging way, sees fit to dictate to everyone when they should grieve, when they should stop grieving and how they should grieve. Do any of these things wrong and you are wrong. One size fits all people and all losses.

Actually I feel the same exact way about my Ma. She's my best friend and I don't even want to think about her not being here. Once she is gone I will truly be alone. I don't know if I will be able to get through that or not. Just thinking about it makes me feel like I'm going to cry. How did you get through that part if realizing you were really alone, if I may ask?

 

[On the Inside]

I just went to a funeral for my old boss, who I considered a friend. Hadn't been in contact with them for some time, so it was a little awkward anyways. But the standard "sorry for your loss" is what I said. Though his wife was surprised and glad to see me. It was an unexpected death, guy just collapsed and was dead.

I do feel loss and grief, I've lost both parents when I was in my teens and twenties, so I know the feeling. But I also know that it is part of life, we'll all go through it. So I guess I don't feel so devastated by something that is only natural.

 

[pushpin]

I think socializing is a bit like a dance. People are expected to make certain moves that correspond with the moves that orders make. These dance moves are learned but soon become so natural for most that they are misperceived as instinctive. This is just my opinion.

I say this because your saying that people treat you according to what they believe you should be feeling instead of how you are truly feeling reminds me of many of my own experiences, especially those regarding grief and death.

But, it should be understood that death is very difficult to deal with, depending on the culture. I think the cultures of many western anglophone countries deny death (all the euphemisms, saying that a person will "pull through" when a diagnosis is terminal, keeping people on life support instead of using hospice, etc). I think people, in general, are afraid of dying, of the possible permanence or impermanence of the complete unknown (yes, there are stories and beliefs, but no one truly knows). People are also afraid of possibly hurting or invalidating another's feelings. I think there is a lot of confusion around death and grief. Everyone responds to it differently, whether nt or not, so the social dance is awkward for all involved.

I've watched shows where people avoid the survivors of an unnatural death (suicide, child dying), unnatural meaning not socially expected like the death of a great grandmother or something. They avoid them because they don't know what to say and that makes them uncomfortable. Also survivor of the death is often annoyed by how people try to placate their feelings, assuming that they feel in certain ways instead of just respecting their true feelings. In sharing this I mean to suggest that this experience of yours is in a way common to many, regardless of being nt or not.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I don't like the response "I'm sorry for your loss".

Oh, gah, me too! That and "my condolences". I have no way of telling somebody how I feel for them without getting really cliché in the process. Or sounding either sarcastic or over-dramatic with something more along the lines of "that's just awful". Time to make up some new words?

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Oh, gah, me too! That and "my condolences". I have no way of telling somebody how I feel for them without getting really cliché in the process. Or sounding either sarcastic or over-dramatic with something more along the lines of "that's just awful". Time to make up some new words?

You could always pull a Clinton "I feel your pain". (not literally)

 

[Progster]

When there is a death in the family, I go numb and shut down, I don't particularly feel like talking to anybody, and avoid people because I don't want to have this scripted conversation. But I don't think this is particularly uncommon, a lot of people react in this way. I don't show or even feel much emotion, but that doesn't mean that I don't care about the deceased. I just have a different way of showing it and processing it.

I was going to say something similar to PushPin, that in situations like these people are all actors on stage acting out a role of social politeness, and each person has their part and their script. I'm aware of the role that I'm supposed to play and have learnt the lines, but find it extremely hard to act, I always was a poor actor. I can't say the lines with any real conviction. I really just want to be left alone to my own devices in times like that.

 

[photoaddict]

I certainly experience grief, but in a different way than most. I'm more likely to shut down or distract myself than sit and cry for hours. It also depends how close I was to the person and other factors. When my maternal grandfather died, my world stopped. He was everything to me. I adored him and wasn't sure how to go on without him. My paternal grandfather died today and I'm pretty indifferent. He never bothered to even try to form a relationship with me. He'd sit and watch tv when we were together and didn't want to be interrupted. He only tried slightly harder for my son. I'm sure many will think I'm a horrible person, but I have every intention of going out tonight, as already planned, because it's really not affecting me at all. I won't go to the funeral. I never do. I went for my other Grandfather, but that was because everyone in my family went and it was more about being together than anything. My cousin and I disappeared into an empty room as soon as the service was over, though, to avoid the "sorry for your loss" and "you poor children" from well meaning adults. We were grateful that a couple friends came with their parents and hid with us.

 

[rx7chick]

One thing that has helped me was understanding I didn't have to answer people's questions. We ARE entitled to privacy. When I am asked questions I am not sure how to answer, I politely say, "I would really rather not talk about that." If they offer to help, I thank them and tell them I will let them know if I need anything. It stops the inquiries immediately and acknowledges the person's goodwill. I am one who grieves hard and long, but I don't have to explain it, or try to present it in a way that gets an NT's approval or understanding of how I am grieving. Most often people are truly concerned, and they want to help. You can say, "I am managing. Thank you for asking. I am not ready to talk about it." It's always accepted.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

I find that the most difficult part of dealing with death is the cultural expectation that if someone you care for dies you must be upset.

I have only had a few people I care about die, both of my grandfathers, one of whom I was very close to, a friend who died in a car accident, and last year my cat whom I adored. However, I simply don't grieve, at all... it's just a matter of 'hm, it will be strange not seeing them again' and then I accept it and move on.

It does not seem to be socialy acceptable to be perfectly content with the reality of someone's death, so I pretend to be sad so that people won't think I'm some sort of psychopath I find it quite difficult to understand why others are so upset by death, or frightened by the prospect of it. For me it's just an inevitable reality, and being frightened of it makes no sense.

 

[DylanKP]

I can't say I've ever felt grief; or if I have, what it feels like. I've never lost anyone really close to me, nor have I ever had to sever any relationship that I regretted later. If other people are grieving (or what I assume to be grieving), I usually leave them alone. If they want to talk about it, go right ahead (I've done a LOT of therapy for these empathy skills, and i plan on using them), but no amount of 'I'm Sorry's are going to make them feel any better.