Could this be why I was rejected as a teenager?

[Misty Avich]

For an Aspie female who isn't even sure she is Aspie and doesn't display many obvious symptoms and could read body language and all that, I hardly had any friends at high school. At ages 13-14 I had no friends at all, apart from a few one-off interactions with classmates. So I had to go at it alone.

But I think that a lot of it was my fault, because I didn't make much of an effort to be interested in the things other girls were interested in, and I think that if I did then I might have had a few friends I could actually call friends.
I liked musical instruments but when I hung out with other girls who liked musical instruments I found they were much more intelligent than me and I didn't really fit in with them.
The sort of girls I wanted to hang about with were the average or below average underachievers who didn't really like any specific subject, but obviously they liked fashion and make-up - something I wasn't interested in. But I should have made more of an effort to be into that kind of thing. I was into stupid things like lions. What teenage girl is into lions? I loved the Lion King and always drew lions. Otherwise I didn't really have any interests.

If only I could go back and be interested in fashion and make-up. All I did was wear plain boys clothes, looked lost in clothes stores, and didn't put any make-up on or shave my legs. No wonder nobody liked me.

Being an adult is so much easier, because you can fit in no matter what interests you have. As a teenager I used to listen to 70s music even though it was the 2000s, and all my peers listened to 2000s pop music. Now everyone I know has their own tastes in music, even my same age peers listen to 70s music.

But when I was a teenager I was like a stubborn old woman who wouldn't listen to my mother who was just giving me useful tips on how to fit in and make friends. Instead I told her to stop criticising me.
If only I listened. I really hate my stupid 14-year-old self. I was such a dork.

 

[Suzanne]

Stupid being into lions? Sorry, but that is a "stupid" comment to make. I would say, it was someone who thought beyond what typical teen girls talk about.

I thought I had a best friend in school, but even though I did not truly undestand the concept of friendship, I soon gathered she was a false friend. Because when it was decided to blank me out by my class, she joined in and even though she apologised, she made excuses, which told me she was fake.

As a teen, I honestly did not envy it when I saw girls chatting, because it perplexed and intriqued me, how they got on.

It was only in my young adulthood, that I became envious on seeing girls together and quite frankly, they scared me.

I would be rediculed for being different or saying strange things.

In truth, no matter the age I have been and now am, I still do not feel comfortable being me.

I am told by some that I am pretty, but when I look in the mirror, I wonder what on earth they see that I do not, because I see a very ugly face. Huh, can't give me your opinion, because my profile are of books lol

 

[Rodafina]

Why so critical of your past self? Yes, it is evident that you hate that person, but perhaps that is some thinking you should work on changing. Lions are awesome. They are fascinating creatures of the earth and any little girl who likes them has absolutely every right to do so. Do not denigrate young girls who have unique interests, including yourself.

How would it be better if you pretended to like things that didn’t interest you? Most of us have gone it alone for one reason or another. Having no compassion for your past self and all of this hate and regret is no way to live. I think you need to strive for acceptance and address your self loathing.

 

[Misty Avich]

It's not stupid for others to be into lions but it was just stupid for a teenage girl who wanted to fit in with her peers. My cousin would criticise me for drawing lions and told me it was babyish.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

For an Aspie female who isn't even sure she is Aspie and doesn't display many obvious symptoms and could read body language and all that, I hardly had any friends at high school. At ages 13-14 I had no friends at all, apart from a few one-off interactions with classmates. So I had to go at it alone.

But I think that a lot of it was my fault, because I didn't make much of an effort to be interested in the things other girls were interested in, and I think that if I did then I might have had a few friends I could actually call friends.
I liked musical instruments but when I hung out with other girls who liked musical instruments I found they were much more intelligent than me and I didn't really fit in with them.
The sort of girls I wanted to hang about with were the average or below average underachievers who didn't really like any specific subject, but obviously they liked fashion and make-up - something I wasn't interested in. But I should have made more of an effort to be into that kind of thing. I was into stupid things like lions. What teenage girl is into lions? I loved the Lion King and always drew lions. Otherwise I didn't really have any interests.

If only I could go back and be interested in fashion and make-up. All I did was wear plain boys clothes, looked lost in clothes stores, and didn't put any make-up on or shave my legs. No wonder nobody liked me.

Being an adult is so much easier, because you can fit in no matter what interests you have. As a teenager I used to listen to 70s music even though it was the 2000s, and all my peers listened to 2000s pop music. Now everyone I know has their own tastes in music, even my same age peers listen to 70s music.

But when I was a teenager I was like a stubborn old woman who wouldn't listen to my mother who was just giving me useful tips on how to fit in and make friends. Instead I told her to stop criticising me.
If only I listened. I really hate my stupid 14-year-old self. I was such a dork.

Water under the bridge. Look, we all mature, and thank the good Lord for that. Can you imagine being "stuck" as an awkward teen for the rest of your life? That would be awful.

Give yourself some grace here. For Pete's sake, you're autistic. Our brains anatomically, physiologically, genetically, biochemically, are NOT the same as others. We ARE different. We all need to stop beating ourselves up for not being like other people. We aren't "other people". We aren't simply "neurodivergent", no, not in the least. It's on a whole other level.

If you don't have the circulating levels of oxytocin and vasopressin in your brain, it's highly unlikely you are going to bond with people. Sure, you can script it out for yourself and make a good attempt at it, saying to yourself, "I've got to do this, that, and the other thing", but it's not going to be an innate, instinctual, natural thing for you to do. I know, it sucks, but no one has found a cure for even that little piece of the autism puzzle.

Perhaps we all need to step back and examine our lives logically here, and accept that whatever THEY have, we probably won't because we are that much different from them. Accept who we are. Adapt. Overcome. Live our lives as best we can and stop being envious or jealous of what others have. Be our own person.

 

[FoxLovinPat]

I feel you there on looking back on what we missed while growing up because we didn't fit in, but it's okay to not fit in.
Forcing oneself to fit in is not the way to go because we're not being true to ourselves, sure we'd have more friends and be better liked if we did "fit in" but we'd be sacrificing what makes us who we are. People would like us for our fake selves instead of our real selves and if you had made more of an effort to fit in them you'd have had to keep up that fake self just to stay in the group and that's just not very sustainable in the long run.


So while yes it might get sad to look back on what we missed by not forcing ourselves to fit in, ultimately we're better off for not doing so because we stayed true to ourselves.
Hopefully you've since made friends who like you for who you are, because that's a very great thing to have and is certainly much better than having friends that like the fake you that you're putting on.
Besides friends that like you for you are much better friends for it than friends that like you because you're "fitting in".

 

[Arxanaa18]

I relate to most of what you are saying about not fitting in in high school or having any friends. I don’t think there is anything that you could’ve done differently. I wore the makeup, did my hair, and dressed nice but that never made a difference. I still had no friends or anyone to hangout with, I tried to fit in the first 2 years but eventually stopped caring. I realized that the people that didn’t want to be my friends weren’t people I’d even want to be friends with anyways. I never understood how people could interact so easily and be friends instantly, it was always a confusing and difficult task for me but I tried nonetheless. I always felt I was outside the bubble that everyone else was in and I could never get in. I tried everything to fit in and be liked, I’d mask and tried my best to be nice, funny, and cool but still people could tell I was not one of them. I have no regrets on any of it, I did the best I could as an undiagnosed autistic teenager that had no idea. If I could change anything it would be being diagnosed sooner so I wouldn’t be so confused or feel such shame for being different but that’s it.

 

[Misty Avich]

I wish people would stop calling me autistic. I thought it said enough under my username. And I'm not completely different.
Also I don't like autism to be the answer. Anything but that.
And other Aspies I knew seemed to have more friends than I did in high school. What did they have that I didn't?

 

[kenaij]

But can you really make yourself more interested in something? Or do you fake interest. Trust me when I tell you that that is very hard to do. You ask what teenage girl was interested in certain things like lions. Well, you were. That is/was part of what makes you you. I am always for bettering of oneself. But to change just to fit in. Even if you faked the interest, there might have been other things where you would not have connected with those girls.
As you said. As an adult it is much easier. I did fake interest as a teen, it cost me a ton of energy and it forced me to re-invent who I was and am. And to 'unmask'.
Not faking what you like and who you are might have been a better thing in the long run.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I wish people would stop calling me autistic. I thought it said enough under my username. And I'm not completely different.
Also I don't like autism to be the answer. Anything but that.
And other Aspies I knew seemed to have more friends than I did in high school. What did they have that I didn't?

@Misty Avich, please try to take this as something well-intentioned. I don't know what to tell you here. Feelings and identity have nothing to do with the reality of the thousands of anatomical, genetic, physiological, biochemical, psychological, imaging studies that have been done over the years on the topic of ASD. You can't be an "Aspie" and not be autistic. Aspergers is a form of ASD. Unless you are actually a failed neurotypical falsely "identifying" as an Aspie, you're autistic. I am a person with an ASD-1/Asperger's Condition. I know I am NOT an ASD-2, nor an ASD-3. I can discriminate these differences and still understand all 3 are ASD, and not have it bother me. I can embrace all of my autistic brothers and sisters with some understanding and empathy. Obviously, you have your own thing going on here, I don't know what it is or why it bothers you so much, but the WORST thing you can do is lie to yourself. Personally, I've found my mental health to be much better simply accepting myself. I can't change that part of myself and there is NO sense in wasting thoughts and feelings over something I can't change. All I could do for myself is to learn as much as possible about the condition and understand myself. I've let go of my previous life and embraced myself for who I am, such as it is. Frankly, I am happy and relieved I have an explanation for my life instead of beating myself up and being depressed for not fitting in and being like other people.

Best wishes. I am sorry that you're not "there" with acceptance yet, but I hope you can someday give yourself some grace, and accept the pros and cons with who you are.

 

[Forest Cat]

I don't think you should dislike your 14 year old self. I don't like 14 year old me either, but at that age we don't really know anything and we are trying to figure out the world and ourselves as best we can. The teenage years are just a mess really. Maybe not for all but for many. And about fitting in, everyone tries to fit in when they are teenagers but no one really knows what they are doing I think.

 

[Misty Avich]

I know a lot of teenagers do fake interests sometimes to fit in. One of my male cousins wasn't the sporty type at all and hated getting dirty but he pretended to be into football just to fit in with the other boys. That must have been hard work because playing football takes up physical energy as well as mental energy. As soon as he left school he admitted he always liked art and photography and hated football.

 

[Forest Cat]

I know a lot of teenagers do fake interests sometimes to fit in. One of my male cousins wasn't the sporty type at all and hated getting dirty but he pretended to be into football just to fit in with the other boys.

I didn't like to party or be drunk at all, it was exhausting and just made me sick but I still drank copious amounts of alcohol on the weekends from I was 15 just to 'get along' and hang out with the other guys. Everyone else did it so if I didn't do it I was on the outside and alone.

 

[Misty Avich]

@Misty Avich, please try to take this as something well-intentioned. I don't know what to tell you here. Feelings and identity have nothing to do with the reality of the thousands of anatomical, genetic, physiological, biochemical, psychological, imaging studies that have been done over the years on the topic of ASD. You can't be an "Aspie" and not be autistic. Aspergers is a form of ASD. Unless you are actually a failed neurotypical falsely "identifying" as an Aspie, you're autistic. I am a person with an ASD-1/Asperger's Condition. I know I am NOT an ASD-2, nor an ASD-3. I can discriminate these differences and still understand all 3 are ASD, and not have it bother me. I can embrace all of my autistic brothers and sisters with some understanding and empathy. Obviously, you have your own thing going on here, I don't know what it is or why it bothers you so much, but the WORST thing you can do is lie to yourself. Personally, I've found my mental health to be much better simply accepting myself. I can't change that part of myself and there is NO sense in wasting thoughts and feelings over something I can't change. All I could do for myself is to learn as much as possible about the condition and understand myself. I've let go of my previous life and embraced myself for who I am, such as it is. Frankly, I am happy and relieved I have an explanation for my life instead of beating myself up and being depressed for not fitting in and being like other people.

Best wishes. I am sorry that you're not "there" with acceptance yet, but I hope you can someday give yourself some grace, and accept the pros and cons with who you are.

I thought I had pros but they all got doubted by some people and I've come to believe it. I mean, 6 people can't be wrong. I've never been called so many names like that in all my life. It's really knocked my already crumbling self-confidence.

 

[Misty Avich]

I didn't like to party or be drunk at all, it was exhausting and just made me sick but I still drank copius amounts of alcohol on the weekends from I was 15 just to 'get along' and hang out with the other guys. Everyone else did it so if I didn't do it I was on the outside and alone.

Sadly it seems that autistic people who do this are the ones that get accepted. Because I've never drank, clubbed, or smoked weed, it's automatically made me a misfit. Even my cousin who is into art and photography went through the going out and getting drunk stage in his late teens.
It seems to be what like 99% of people do between the ages of around 16-24, whether they're autistic or not.

 

[Rodafina]

I know a lot of teenagers do fake interests sometimes to fit in. One of my male cousins wasn't the sporty type at all and hated getting dirty but he pretended to be into football just to fit in with the other boys. That must have been hard work because playing football takes up physical energy as well as mental energy. As soon as he left school he admitted he always liked art and photography and hated football.

And what? Do you see this as a good thing? A success? Something you wish you had done?

 

[Rodafina]

Sadly it seems that autistic people who do this are the ones that get accepted

Even if this is true, then they are “accepted” for pretending? For being something they are not?

 

[Misty Avich]

Even if this is true, then they are “accepted” for pretending? For being something they are not?

Well it's that important to them otherwise they wouldn't do it. So it must feel good in some way.

 

[Rodafina]

Well it's that important to them otherwise they wouldn't do it. So it must feel good in some way.

I think it’s much more complicated than that and the repercussions can be hugely damaging. “Feeling good” is not always an indicator of something being a good idea. Take, for example, drugs and alcohol. Boy did they make me feel good for 20 years. Oh yeah, and they almost killed me or had me wanting to kill myself.

Seeking acceptance through pretending, masking, and lying feels like desperation. Understandable desperation for a very hurt person, which many of us were. But that does not make it a beneficial move.

I really really think it’s time for you to put your effort towards self acceptance rather than self loathing. It is a shift that can happen for all of us.

 

[Arxanaa18]

Well it's that important to them otherwise they wouldn't do it. So it must feel good in some way.

You could say the same for drugs or alcohol. Doesn’t make it true, doesn’t make it a good thing. It feels good temporarily but it won’t last and nothing good will come of it.