Concerned about boyfriend and need some advice

[curiousaboutbfamg]

Hi,

Have been seeing a guy for a little while now and when I say he is amazing, I am not exaggerating even slightly. With that said, there are a few things that keep coming up and causing problems between us. On further inspection I came to the conclusion that he may possibly have high functioning Aspergers. As this is not a subject I am an expert on, but would like to understand him more, I decided to come to those who have experienced some of these characteristics to see if I am barking up the wrong tree (for want of a better phrase). I will try to summarise a few of the things I have noticed about his character/responses to things.

1. He exhibits some kind of ritualistic behaviour. Eg. having to eat things in a certain way every time he eats (a piece of every variety of food on his plate has to be on his fork at once).
2. When a situation is over emotionally charged, he experiences an almost ‘shutting down’; from my point of view it is very hard to get him to speak and he has expressed an almost ‘flood of thoughts’ that were too much for him to handle. In this situation, he struggles so much that he cannot physically deal with the problem at hand until he has had some time alone to wind down. Cannot overstate enough that it isn’t like he doesn’t care, more like he is a deer in the headlights and just cannot force the words out of his mouth.
3. This links to the above, but he needs time to himself sometimes for no particular reason other than he is in a bit of a ‘funny’ mood. He cannot just ‘make up’ after an argument or get over it in the traditional sense.
4. He is very sensitive to criticism. If I mention that there is something he has done to annoy/frustrate me, he will become extremely upset and think he ‘cannot do anything right’, or that he isn't good enough for me.
5. Again linked to the above, but he often becomes extremely upset and needs time to himself over one of my small frustrations- something that I felt I needed to mention but that wasn’t MUCH of a big deal to me at the time, or enough to warrant a big argument. Feel like his upset is often disproportionate to the disagreement itself (although I know he can’t help this and do not berate him for it).
6. When communicating via text, he is very sensitive to changes in tone or even the emojis that I use. Eg. If I use too many question marks after a question (just an annoying habit I have), he will interpret it as an angry and accusatory question. He also over analyses why I say certain things
7. He seems to like routine- he is unlikely to change plans or make spontaneous plans with me, to the point where if I ask him to plan something he will freeze up for hours (this happened in the beginning before I suspected any of this).. and I end up instructing him anyway. Seems to prefer being told what to do rather than having to decide; again, not seeming like ‘standard lazy male’ syndrome.
8. Linked to initiation of plans- he is very into sexual activity when I initiate and is very affectionate on the whole actually. However I cannot think of a single occasion where he has initiated sexual contact himself; when I have asked him why, he tells me he doesn’t know how to or can’t be sure whether I want it (even though, to me, I am pretty much putting out every single signal other than saying ‘I want to have sex with you).
9. He doesn’t seem to feel the need to say ‘I love you’ on a regular basis, or need the reassurance from me- if anything, he seems to find it to be more than is required and maybe a bit uncomfortable. Again, I asked for a reason for this and he said ‘he doesn’t like to at random’ and would ‘prefer to just show it instead’. Read that this is typical of those with Apergers as the love is assumed, and they don’t see the need to keep going on and on about it
10. He is evidently highly thoughtful, but seems to have issues translating these emotions. Eg. he is always displaying acts of affection, has made a point for me to meet his friends/family, frequently discusses the future with me in it.. however if I were to say to him (as it is FAIRLY early on) ‘where do you see this going in the future’, he would freeze up. I asked him why this is and again, he said he finds it difficult to process these new emotions; he even once said in an unrelated conversation that he ‘doesn’t feel like he knows how to love someone properly’. Again, this is not a standard male avoidance of commitment type thing like I suspected initially- we are committed, he would just struggle to discuss these things.
11. If I am upset, often arguments are caused because he will do nothing rather than trying to comfort me/make the situation better. He will just become upset himself and shut down/ignore the situation. I have asked him about this after he has cooled down and he just says ‘I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to do’. I feel like sometimes from my point of view I have made it blatantly obvious that I want a cuddle, but he has never done that without me telling him to- once I do, he is very affectionate and apologetic and loving towards me.
12. It has come up in deeper conversations that there a fair few things about his past that I do not know. Obviously, this is normal and there are some things that I would not choose to tell anyone, not even a romantic partner. However, these things are things that ‘impact who he is as a person’ (his words not mine), so I once strongly suggested he should let me in on them. He is VERY stubborn with regards to this, saying that he wishes he could tell me, but he ‘can’t’. It is almost like he has already decided what he is comfortable sharing and, no matter how much it seems to matter to me, wont deviate from that.
13. He has also quite matter of fact, some would say pessimistic, about relationships on the whole. This does not come across like he doesn’t want one, more that he is acutely aware that it more than likely will eventually come to an end. When talking about previous relationships, he has mentioned that everything seems to go well and then they ‘notice’ something and leave; he has never eluded to what this ‘something’ they notice is however I suspect he also thinks he may be on the spectrum/knows something is not quite right.

I am just wondering about how to approach this. To make it clear, the guy is amazing and this absolutely makes no difference to how I feel about him. I would just like to understand him better and be able to behave in a way that doesn’t make him feel overwhelmed, if it is the case that he is autistic.

I would also like to know whether anyone knows if it is a good idea to mention my concerns to him. We have never discussed autism before, however I feel like I would be able to communicate with him better if we could discuss things in the context of autism, as he often heavily blames himself for these faults in communication etc. I strongly feel that the faults are not ones of character or intention, but something he cannot help- I would just need confirmation of this. I think that if he understood what was going on and received diagnosis, he would be able to be freed from this guilt and we could move forwards with our relationship. I would find it a lot easier to work through some of these issues if I knew he couldn’t help them (in fact I would just take them as part of him and focus on the good points), rather than there being the sneaking suspicion that he is just being awkward deliberately. I cannot help this, and do try to rationalise it, but the thoughts can be intrusive. On the whole I would just like some advice as to how to approach this subject in the best way, if at all.


Thank you

 

[SunnyDay16]

It seems to me he could very likely have Asperger's, but as you said I suggest getting him an actual diagnosis. It also is apparent to me that he has low self-esteem, which can make you even more sensitive to perceived criticism and shut down during the slightest disagreements.

 

[Judge]

We get such requests from time to time here. And more often than not their hunches of someone being on the spectrum are probably true. Your description of him reminds him of well......me in a number of ways.

However making such a suggestion to someone is precarious to say the least. Especially when while such a suggestion may be based on a certain degree of knowledge and understanding, but with a professional medical background.

The whole issue of an adult stumbling onto the possibility of their being autistic can be a very rough and tumble journey, laced with many potholes. Self doubt, denial, and even delusion can be part of the process. In my own case I've had to go through a lengthy period of this, having never gotten formally diagnosed.

I can only say that had someone in my orbit made the suggestion even with the best of intentions, I probably would have exploded at them. For me, clearly this was a journey I could only take all by myself. To go through so much suspicion and denial...attempting at every turn to rationalize that no, I was not on the spectrum of autism. But my very persistence and intense focus of it all eventually led me to believe the contrary. I'm just one of many high functioning autistic adults unaccounted for.

Had I had someone who cared about me enough to try to help might have also made a difference, even had I initially rejected them. Sadly being autistic carries a certain sense of "Catch-22" with it, in that we aren't apt to attract many people to care for us like that to begin with. My own quest to discover my autism was the result of watching a tv show. Practically a freak accident in which I learned for the first time about this thing called "Aspergers Syndrome". I never had anyone to show me the way.

So I'm not saying, "Don't go there!" I'm saying, "Proceed with extreme caution."

That what you are proposing could end well, or very badly in terms of your relationship. It can be life-altering, yet with utterly no guarantees. Though if you can plant the possibility of him considering such a notion, then perhaps the most practical solution would be to seek to professional diagnosis. Though he ultimately has to consider how beneficial- or not this could be as a formal matter of medical record that can potentially follow one for the rest of his life.

 

[Pats]

I think it's great that you are so observant of what's going on with him and trying to be understanding of those things. I can relate to most the things on your list and I actually wish there had been someone to just once point out the possibility of autism - but make certain you have some good points about it to share so he won't take it as an insult. (So leave off the multiple exclamation marks. lol)

 

[OkRad]

I would simply ask. You can use all the good points of ASD. Like, "You are very kind and sensitive and very smart....Do you think you have Aspergers?" With a smile, of course.

You are clearly at the point where you have him deeply analyzed in your head. If you hide that for much longer, you are violating one of the very things people with ASD cherish, and that is Truth.

I would never have minded someone asking me this point blank, but I would have felt immensely betrayed if someone held this in to THIS degree, shared what they felt about me with strangers, and never even told me!

The fact that you are seeing him this way and pretending you do not presents a cloud that he will figure out sooner or later.

Now that it's in your head, you should ask because he'll know, if he has ASD, that something's up.

 

[BraidedPony]

I would just leave him alone regarding his HFA or not HFA. You’ve analyzed this guy to death. Just enjoy being with him while you can.
At your age relationships last weeks or months.

 

[offkey]

For what it's worth: it was like I read a description of myself.

 

[Isadoorian]

For what it's worth: it was like I read a description of myself.

Just in time for Halloween too!

 

[George Newman]

You two should be mature and talk thru each point.

 

[pumpkin]

Hi this sounds like you could be describing my boyfriend haha. I think he is the most amazing person.. but like you guys, we've had our tough times. I know exactly what you mean about reminding yourself that he probably just can't help it, but a diagnosis would help know that you're not making excuses for someone and it's not his fault.

I was able to bring up the fact that my bf might have asperger's successfully without him getting angry/upset/offended, but I’d say it depends on the person and where they’re at with their own awareness. I think I first brought it up about 8 months ago and he’s only recently been to a GP and got a referral for a diagnostic assessment

I can share my story with you and hopefully it helps with what to do with your boyfriend. Apologies if this is too long-winded / too much info! It's just that I've gotten soo much value out of reading other people's stories (AS and NT), so it feels good to share what has worked for me. I'm not saying it will work for you but I so hope you guys can figure it out together it sounds like you're already doing really well at being understanding and educating yourself. Patience, empathy and understanding are key. It needs to be a judgement-free zone, facts are good.

Has he ever made a passing comment about feeling different or certain aspie traits? That’s a good way to bring it up with him.. e.g. even his comment about not knowing how to love someone.
The first time I mentioned it I used that as a lead in like “You know how you said the other day that 'x'.. I’ve been doing a bit of reading online recently about asperger's and was wondering if you know much about it? Have you ever thought it’s possible you’ve got it?”.
I did it via text, which to some people can seem impersonal but I think it worked well because it didn't put him on the spot, and he had time to process it before responding. I was really nervous that he'd take it negatively but his response was much better than I'd anticipated. It was along the lines of "I don't know much about it, but it'd honestly be a massive relief to get a diagnosis and understand why I've always felt so different".
I asked if he wanted to go and get an assessment done and he said maybe when he's back in the UK (was living overseas and moving back in a few months) because it's free on the NHS lol. I dropped it then as I didn't want to push the subject.

But because I now knew he was open to the idea of it (even though he wasn't actively learning or interested in it) at times following if he would say or do certain things I might mention that it’s actually quite normal/common for someone with asperger's to think the same. So it was small mentions every now and then.
I would only use something he'd said or done that was more inquisitive/quirky and not any harsh/mean things he's said, because otherwise it might feel like you're attacking and linking really negative things with having asperger's. For example, when he mentioned hating certain smells to the point of wanting to gag, or one time after a shutdown (it was the first time I'd been there and I just thought it was anxiety) he was trying to explain that it felt like someone had turned the volume knob on his emotions all the way up to max and it's too overwhelming to do anything. I would bring it up in a way that someone else on the forum had described it in the exact same words. I think it helped him to realise that maybe he’s not alone in it. He's always clear that he wouldn't really believe it without a formal diagnosis though.

One day after he was open about struggling with something, I offered to help him see someone if he wanted to. He said "maybe", but I didn't push it further again. We went through similar cycles of this. Then months later, during a particularly bad period for him mentally (he had just moved country and was waiting for his master's course to start, so everything about his life changed and had no routine - living back at home, unemployed, nothing to do to keep busy) he actually brought up that maybe he should see someone. I said that it might be a good idea, and that I'd help out if he needed. He registered for a GP online, but for the first time appointment it had to be done via phone (he told me this with a sad face). I knew him well enough now to know that there's no way in hell he'd make that phone call lol, so I offered to call up and book for him and he was stoked.

Fast forward to a few weeks after the doctor's appointment (it didn't go that well) BUT he just got a letter for a referral to an adult autism centre.. and from what I've read online it'll probably be a while (~8 months) until he actually gets an appointment for diagnosis. But it's progress!

Good luck with your partner!! If you have any questions or want to chat feel free to PM me. Knowing me, I'll feel bad about writing such personal stuff on a public forum and delete my post in a week lol.

 

[pumpkin]

Also re: your point 11 - you might think it's blatantly obvious but I find just saying "can I have a cuddle?" works wonders haha. It can be hard to do, because of ego and wanting them to do it of their own accord as a kind of apology for upsetting you.. but if you know that's what you need to make you feel better, then just asking gets you there quicker.
The first time I asked his response was "why?" which was kind of harsh.. but when I said because I feel sad and it helps make me feel better he thought about it for a bit and then said ok. Now when I ask he's more than happy to oblige, and actually often asks me if I want a cuddle if I seem upset (whether it's to do with him or not).

 

[Nervous Rex]

Instead of advocating for or against him being autistic, or for/against him getting diagnosed, let me ask you these questions:

Would a diagnosis cause you to make adaptations to the way you deal with him, or cause him to make adaptations to the way he deals with things?

Could you make those same adaptations without a diagnosis?

As @Judge said, the process of realizing and accepting is quite fraught. There may be some benefits to addressing challenges and behaviors that you both are aware of and willing to work with, without a formal diagnosis. You’re welcome to ask about specific situations and people here will tell you what works for them.

I’m not saying “Don’t go for a diagnosis,” but I do want to raise the point that you don’t have to wait for a diagnosis to begin making progress.

 

[offkey]

This is just my experience, but a diagnosis offers a framework. And this is also just my experience, but frameworks make things easier and clearer.

I need reference points and leads to make sense of things, contexts, etc., and even though I've managed to go on for thirteen years without embracing my diagnosis, it has finally become clear to me that I should accept and be relieved by it's value: it will help me grasp what's happening and what I find so hard to understand/feel (intuitively).