My first wife cheated on me. It happened after many years of being together, and we were having a lot of issues at the time, but I’d had the feeling something was going on, and I did something that I wouldn't normally do to find out. I looked in her diary. I regretted it really quickly, because I found in there something I should not have known about otherwise.
Perhaps because I’d looked in her diary, or I knew I hadn't been able to give her what she'd needed for some time, I never said anything. I’d had a good idea who it was with, and I was right. So I just decided to accept things as they were, and wondered if at some point she would tell me.
The affair didn't last long, and was really just a sexual thing rather than a love thing as she had no intention of being with him. I know this because she did eventually decide to tell me. I wasn't angry with her. I didn't own her. And things had been going well between us by this point, even though we had split up several times along the way, before she had the affair, only to return each time and try again.
As a man, the feeling of not being good enough, making my wife seek the comfort of someone else, when that job was supposed to be mine, wasn't easy to deal with. But because I wasn't angry or blaming her, and I know that she felt guilty for deceiving me because she was in all other aspects, an honest woman. If I had confronted her she would have admitted it, she would never have lied, and she only lied by omission so as not to hurt me. I should not have known though; reading her diary was still wrong regardless. Her diary was never hidden, she just never assumed that it would ever be read. I didn't read much of it. I just had my suspicions confirmed.
Not revealing that I knew weighed heavily on me. But I couldn't help but forgive her, especially when she admitted it, because at the time we were making a better go of it, and when someone is sincere you forgive them. I couldn't have done it any other way. Like I said I didn't own her. She was free to do what she felt was right for her, and as she said, it was just something that happened. She didn't plan it. I knew he desired her, and she was emotionally vulnerable from what had been going on between us, and he didn't take advantage of her, it was something she wanted to experience.
She was a writer, of fiction, and so I can imagine it is exciting to be involved in a secret life, at least for a while. My commitment to our relationship was being the father of my daughter, rather than the husband to my wife, which may sound like a strange thing, but it was why we were together. Being a dad was the most important thing for me at the time. She had been the perfect mum and partner for that.
We remained together for several years after this. Forgiveness is forgiveness. The past is the past. I knew it would never happen again, and it never did.
Now, I understand that in other cases, being cheated on leaves devastation. Forgiveness is not easy to give, if at all. Sometimes there is simply no way back. For me I’d always felt that even though we were together, every day we were always choosing to be, regardless of whether we were in a relationship. It was a choice. We were still free to decide. And each day we did. But if the next day she felt the need to explore somebody else, and her intention was not to hurt me, then who was I to decide that I should be. I was disappointed, for sure, and certainly my male ego took quite a hit, but in many ways it was good for me, because I was forced to re-evaluate myself and look at why this took place from how I had been.
The relationship hadn't been good between us, but we were committed to being parents, and once our daughter was old enough and had left home, my ex now felt free to end things. Find a completely different life, and eventually find a partner who was far more compatible and whom she could spend the rest of her life with hopefully. I wish her nothing but the best, because I loved her, even though I didn't know how to make her really feel that in a way that she needed me to.
Being a dad was the best experience of my life. I couldn't have been a part of raising my little girl the way I did without my wife being who she was. No regrets.
Perhaps because I’d looked in her diary, or I knew I hadn't been able to give her what she'd needed for some time, I never said anything. I’d had a good idea who it was with, and I was right. So I just decided to accept things as they were, and wondered if at some point she would tell me.
The affair didn't last long, and was really just a sexual thing rather than a love thing as she had no intention of being with him. I know this because she did eventually decide to tell me. I wasn't angry with her. I didn't own her. And things had been going well between us by this point, even though we had split up several times along the way, before she had the affair, only to return each time and try again.
As a man, the feeling of not being good enough, making my wife seek the comfort of someone else, when that job was supposed to be mine, wasn't easy to deal with. But because I wasn't angry or blaming her, and I know that she felt guilty for deceiving me because she was in all other aspects, an honest woman. If I had confronted her she would have admitted it, she would never have lied, and she only lied by omission so as not to hurt me. I should not have known though; reading her diary was still wrong regardless. Her diary was never hidden, she just never assumed that it would ever be read. I didn't read much of it. I just had my suspicions confirmed.
Not revealing that I knew weighed heavily on me. But I couldn't help but forgive her, especially when she admitted it, because at the time we were making a better go of it, and when someone is sincere you forgive them. I couldn't have done it any other way. Like I said I didn't own her. She was free to do what she felt was right for her, and as she said, it was just something that happened. She didn't plan it. I knew he desired her, and she was emotionally vulnerable from what had been going on between us, and he didn't take advantage of her, it was something she wanted to experience.
She was a writer, of fiction, and so I can imagine it is exciting to be involved in a secret life, at least for a while. My commitment to our relationship was being the father of my daughter, rather than the husband to my wife, which may sound like a strange thing, but it was why we were together. Being a dad was the most important thing for me at the time. She had been the perfect mum and partner for that.
We remained together for several years after this. Forgiveness is forgiveness. The past is the past. I knew it would never happen again, and it never did.
Now, I understand that in other cases, being cheated on leaves devastation. Forgiveness is not easy to give, if at all. Sometimes there is simply no way back. For me I’d always felt that even though we were together, every day we were always choosing to be, regardless of whether we were in a relationship. It was a choice. We were still free to decide. And each day we did. But if the next day she felt the need to explore somebody else, and her intention was not to hurt me, then who was I to decide that I should be. I was disappointed, for sure, and certainly my male ego took quite a hit, but in many ways it was good for me, because I was forced to re-evaluate myself and look at why this took place from how I had been.
The relationship hadn't been good between us, but we were committed to being parents, and once our daughter was old enough and had left home, my ex now felt free to end things. Find a completely different life, and eventually find a partner who was far more compatible and whom she could spend the rest of her life with hopefully. I wish her nothing but the best, because I loved her, even though I didn't know how to make her really feel that in a way that she needed me to.
Being a dad was the best experience of my life. I couldn't have been a part of raising my little girl the way I did without my wife being who she was. No regrets.
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