Are you socially awkward?

[Drake Marino]

Sigh, socializing is such a huge problem for me. For example, when hanging out with a group of people, or when in the classroom I often can't think of things to say, and when I can, what comes out of my mouth is usually awkward. It's so frustrating trying to fit into the NT world! Do any of you guys have this problem?

 

[CJinherPJs]

Drake Marino, I can relate to everything you mentioned. I suck at small talk and can never think of anything to talk about, so often just talk about the weather. Whenever I engage in a conversation, it's almost always the other person who steers it. My mind just goes blank whenever I'm put on the spot, and it does get frustrating because I get the impression that people might think I'm rude, or a right miserable cow, even though I try not to be. I'm also not very good at verbalising my thoughts whenever I do think of something to say, so others often don't understand and get the wrong idea. At school, my peers used to turn things I said into innuendo, and I found that very embarrassing. As I've gotten older though I've gotten slightly better at phrasing my thoughts, and whenever I do mess up, I can laugh about it.

 

[King_Oni]

I'm not sure how socially awkward I am... sometimes I wonder if I'm socially awesome, lol. It doesn't mean I'm good at smalltalk though. But smalltalk in general just does not interest me, and I won't hesitate to tell someone to shut up and bring something interesting to the table. On the other hand, I'm the same when engaging in conversation myself... I don't tend to talk to people for the sake of talking. I can go quiet for minutes to days, even with people with whom I spend a decent amount of time.

Maybe it's that I can get peoples attention quite easily that people, in most cases (those being informal situations), will listen, no matter how clunky my verbal expression is. For some reason people usually follow up with questions asking "did you mean this?" rather than assume I meant something and laugh off my seemingly weird way to communicate.

In classrooms I often had the same situation where I didn't know what to say, but then again; I only spoke when I as asked something. I saw no point in talking, again, for the sake of talking. Ask me a question and I'll see if I can make up an answer, expect me to just ramble on about something for which I'm not in school and I'll tell you to shut your piehole. Similarly, talking about "social" behaviour, I never was the classclown to amuse others... I ended up doing some crazy stuff, just out of sheer boredom and personal amusement.

With groups; it's hard to judge for me I guess. I only get together with groups when I know there's common ground to hang out together. I never saw any fun in hanging out with people for the sake of hanging out. I need to have a reason to be there, otherwise I can just as well go home and actually do something that's worth my time.

However, it's funny; the older I get, the more I have this "I'll communicate with who and when I want... and if you don't like it.. .F off" on the other hand I'm becoming more self-analyzing towards my behaviour and it just makes me more aware how I'm not a good fit in "normal" situations. Though, for some reason, most people don't even expect things to go smooth and "normal" when I'm involved. I tend to have this reputation as well as first impression that I'm most likely a barrel of fun when handled the right way or I'm worse than a mute when handled wrong or put in the wrong situation. For me it works thus far... especially when I even control when I think it's time to be somewhat social.

 

[Ereth]

It might help if you do two things:

Instead of focusing on how you are an Aspie in a world full of "normal" people, think instead about how you might reach out to others in spite of that difference. Observe how people socialize and take notes if you have to. (Don't copy rudeness or anything like that, though.)

Improve your conversational ability by speaking with family and friends. Your loved ones might also have advice for you. I've talked to my parents many times about awkward situations that have occurred in school and elsewhere, and they have helped me, even if it's sometimes difficult for me to put into practice what I learn.

 

[Rob]

Yes, Drake - I have this problem and more. Ever since I was going through high school I could not talk to anyone except homework and the school material at hand. Many would ask me the answer to a question that they could not answer. Thankfully I found a group of students that I could relate to, but I found them doing all the talking and critical hands-on thinking, while I ended up just tagging along, following their wishes. I helped them with the answers to schoolwork questions but I had to rely on them for all the hands-on work in the labs. I had virtually no interest in sports or small talk, which made my social life almost nonexistent through school. Afterschool hockey on the weekends with all my awkward movements was an embarrassment to me but it was one of my few attempts to socialize with my peers. Even today at 46 I have a lot of terrible memories of my failures and my total lack of interest in woodworking (is this an Aspie thing or just me??) makes things worse. However I do keep myself busy with a to-do list that I write out before or at the beginning of my days off work at the local Chevron gas station. Thankfully my recently retired neighbour invited me to come and visit him anytime (of course this comes with strings attached - I cannot take this literally!!)
With my vitamins and going gluten-free on workdays I can socialize better with customers. Frequent customers are the easiest to socialize with except if they are too busy to talk about things.
I am just so glad to be a part of this forum - I can express my thoughts more clearly here while the NT world and my NT family members either do not have a clue or they have only a passing understanding of AS and the autism spectrum.
Great topic

 

[oscar2012]

i am the same am terrible at starting conversations i always put how are you and then my mind goes blank and like you i feel people think is that all you say. to the point it stresses me out so i just stay away from people

 

[Jeff]

"Jeff never speaks, he's weird"
"not even now when we're talking about him"
"I have nothing to say"

I tried to think of something to write here in regards to my social awkwardness but I realise I don't understand it... I thought I knew myself well I guess I need some more introspection. I think there are many complex factors as to how I perceive social interactions, too many to write and many I haven't thought about yet.

 

[Dakura]

I used to literally go a week at times without saying any other word than 'Thank you', 'Hey', 'Good bye', and 'I'm busy' when all my comfort zone friends were away. Needless to say I just was the guy who enjoyed daydreaming more than talking.

Now I talk too much... often times to ease my own anxiety, but also to practice being social. I've gotten better at sounding 'charming' when I do so, so people just say 'he's the talkative but charming guy' but I still think its super awkward when I do it... Moreover I still don't understand the nuances of people's body language so I make some dumb mistakes at times.

 

[Licorice]

It might help if you do two things:

Instead of focusing on how you are an Aspie in a world full of "normal" people, think instead about how you might reach out to others in spite of that difference. Observe how people socialize and take notes if you have to. (Don't copy rudeness or anything like that, though.)

Improve your conversational ability by speaking with family and friends. Your loved ones might also have advice for you. I've talked to my parents many times about awkward situations that have occurred in school and elsewhere, and they have helped me, even if it's sometimes difficult for me to put into practice what I learn.

Practice conversations with family can be a great help when it comes to developing a sense of how to navigate social situations. Anyone who can give you feedback without having to feel embarrassed about asking, really.

 

[King_Oni]

It might help if you do two things:

Instead of focusing on how you are an Aspie in a world full of "normal" people, think instead about how you might reach out to others in spite of that difference. Observe how people socialize and take notes if you have to. (Don't copy rudeness or anything like that, though.)

Improve your conversational ability by speaking with family and friends. Your loved ones might also have advice for you. I've talked to my parents many times about awkward situations that have occurred in school and elsewhere, and they have helped me, even if it's sometimes difficult for me to put into practice what I learn.

While I think you offer some good advice here, there's a few things that come to mind.

Even "normal" people (for lack of a better descriptor) often communicate atypical. It's also the bane of a lot of therapy I've found. You learn to interact in a very textbook way, but in general people do not communicate like this. They might be rude, they might cut you off, and some just become a general annoyance for their own amusement... and even more so if they figure you're trying textbook conversation. People really seem to get enjoyment just to get you of track that way.

Also; "Don't copy rudeness"... I've been told that I've said rude things and I wasn't aware it was rude. And as such I explained this situation to for instance, my parents, and they told me what you said wasn't rude. Some people commented how nice I am as well (I'll leave that somewhere in the middle, lol) Thus the question; what is rude? And by whose standard? My standard, the recipients standard? I've found that, for me personally, and I don't know if it's an aspie-thing as such, that shifting through double, triple and quadruple standards over tens of people (and it might just as well be hundreds) is a mess.

 

[Ereth]

That's true. I'm just trying to give advice for general interaction. Any nuances that come along with it are obviously going to be more difficult to figure out.

As for what I said regarding rudeness, I was talking about things that one knows are rude. If there's any doubt, then of course asking is a good idea.

 

[Daniel]

I've been working in offices for the past five years. I worked in retail before that, and that made me more comfortable approaching people; helps to have a purpose to the interaction, I've found. I found retail customer service easier than offices.

In the offices where I've worked, there were lots of people who worked near me, but my job didn't require me to interact with them. Those are the people with whom it's been the most awkward. Neurotypicals seem to like being noticed and regarded, my experience has suggested.

My biggest potential source of social awkwardness is if I'm involved in a group situation, or if I'm somewhere crowded. It's inversely proportional--the more people around, the less I talk. I typically don't enjoy the dynamics of group conversation, but with the right crowd, I'll have a good time. I'm lucky to enjoy the company of my colleagues.

Some people I can converse with, some I can't. I've met really nice people sometimes where their inability to do at least half the lifting in the conversation meant that I had nothing to say to them. I think I'm worst with people who are quiet like me. Actually--the worst is people who really like me and they really want me to like them.

It's an "it is what it is" situation for me. If someone else has a problem with silence, it's exactly that--someone else's problem. If I'm the one confidently carrying myself through my day, comfortable in my own skin, living in the moment in a state of peace, then I don't worry if someone else feels awkward. I felt validated when my counselor told me I didn't have to be outgoing if I didn't want to.

That being said, I do admire the definition of a "lady" or "gentleman" as proffered by Brendan Fraser's Adam in Blast from the Past: someone who makes those around him or herself as comfortable as possible. I like to be able to do that when I can. I'm learning to appreciate how nice it can make other people feel if I just enjoy the hell out of talking with them.

 

[ghoulbler]

Probably. I feel less awkward than those around me probably do. I'm very, very oblivious to a lot of my faults when it comes to social interaction. I do know a few things, though. I often forget to smile at people. When they say hi and give me a smile, I just tend to ignore them or stare at them with wide eyes until they look away. My voice is very monotone and I've been told I have a very weird laugh and go into long, detailed explanations too often. I also have a hard time getting my thoughts out - saying 'uhm', blanking out in the middle of sentences, and having a bit of a stutter.

 

[Rob]

Hi King Oni - I wanted to share this link with the forum as it is interesting to read and thought-provoking, in a generally positive way. I was not sure where the best place or thread is to put this link, so I wanted to send it to you.

The World Needs People With Asperger by Temple Grandin

 

[Soup]

"Jeff never speaks, he's weird"
"not even now when we're talking about him"
"I have nothing to say"

I tried to think of something to write here in regards to my social awkwardness but I realise I don't understand it... I thought I knew myself well I guess I need some more introspection. I think there are many complex factors as to how I perceive social interactions, too many to write and many I haven't thought about yet.

You seem to be doing quite well with writing on this site, though. Your posts have inspired some vigorous & lively discussion! I, for one, look forward to seeing what you come up with next. Unlike many Aspies (& NTS too) I don't mind an off-colour or controversial or provocative discussion. After all, we cannot just talk about what movies we like & how odd we seem to outsiders. We are bright people & deep thinkers also observing the world around us from social shifts to ethical/moral issues to political/economic developments. Those who are too sensitive for a given subject matter can avoid the topic or simply scroll past posts they dislike.

 

[2cat007]

I'm kinda socially awkward. What I mean by that is when, I'm around my family members I talk a lot. But when I'm around friends or a group of people, I can't think of anything to say. And If I say something most of the time it doesn't make sense or it's awkward.

 

[JDartistic]

Sigh, socializing is such a huge problem for me. For example, when hanging out with a group of people, or when in the classroom I often can't think of things to say, and when I can, what comes out of my mouth is usually awkward. It's so frustrating trying to fit into the NT world! Do any of you guys have this problem?

I'm older so I can say for sure that it gets better with time -- that is, practice! Once you sort out what you're bad at (like you can't think of anything to say), then you can work on that (like keeping things on current events, just to get things started). My issue is the opposite -- I talk excessively about my weird obsessions, and within minutes, I'm shunned as the "know it all" in the room, so clearly, I've had to tone it down a bit. I also say things that others find strange and offensive...these are harder to deal with, b/c I'm often unaware of the problem... Still, like all relationships, it takes time to build...but don't isolate or go mute, b/c there are people who will want to know you and who will make the effort...

 

[paloftoon]

I've definitely gotten better. What makes it hard is figuring out when people are starting to mask or be manipulative and then reacting properly in that moment. I can sometimes see after the fact, and be like I wish I would've said such and such a thing. At least if something comes up with that person, I know how to react for next time. Sometimes, not reacting is the best thing at the beginning because had we reacted, we may've chosen the wrong way to go about things. Sometimes, better to take a step back, let things "be", and then be ready if a next time comes with so and so to react in a way that stands up for yourself, but doesn't make you seem like you have a temper tantrum, lack of class, or anything like that.

 

[Kupu2]

Queen of the faux pas! I still don't get why it is not ok to say someone looks tired. I'm the one who ends a flowing conversation with a wise crack...that isn't wise or funny. Not sure I'll ever not be awkward.

 

[Billybob]

I agree, things get better with practice. I was terribly awkward in high school until my senior year when I decided I just didn't give a flying fart. Then at the reunion I found out people thought I was the cool aloof type. That was different. There are some "textbook" ways to get you through the event or whatever. They can get old, and I sometimes end up going through the same routines. For me I am just trying to survive if someone initiates contact, so the textbook ways give me those methods. I have also found that some people are more understanding of silence. I thought the silence was awkward for a long time, but sometimes it's not as bad as I thought. A close friend of mine is kindof the example. He doesn't expect much conversation if any, and will fill in the conversation himself.