Apologies?

[On the Inside]

How good are you at apologizing?

Before I was diagnosed and my anxiety was untreated, I was a bit of a mess. I was prone to being dismissive to downright obstinate, flashing up to being a jerk when frustration and pressure got the best of me.

There are things I did and said during that time that I feel the need to apologize for, to those people who are still in my life, or who I want to be in my life, but I don't know how to approach it. It really brings out all my social fears and spreads them out on the table.

Also, how would a person go about this without disclosing their diagnosis?

Edit: I have been able to come out and apologize shortly after any incidents now, it is something that I worked on with my therapist.

 

[King_Oni]

How about telling them you'd like to apologize for being a jerk some times?

I mean, you can try to be nice all the time, but we all know that you can't be like that 24/7. People who are still in your life, apparently deal with it, but an apology might be nice to them, even if it's to show you care.

 

[Asperganoid]

if i bump into somebody, the sorry comes easily. it's the insincere apologies that society expects me to make which i have the hardest time with. or if i made an error in judgement (why say sorry for something that was not my fault?) i can't stand that silence which follows a person "waiting" to be apologised to/at?

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

How good are you at apologizing?

Before I was diagnosed and my anxiety was untreated, I was a bit of a mess. I was prone to being dismissive to downright obstinate, flashing up to being a jerk when frustration and pressure got the best of me.

There are things I did and said during that time that I feel the need to apologize for, to those people who are still in my life, or who I want to be in my life, but I don't know how to approach it. It really brings out all my social fears and spreads them out on the table.

Also, how would a person go about this without disclosing their diagnosis?

Edit: I have been able to come out and apologize shortly after any incidents now, it is something that I worked on with my therapist.

I had to figure out how to apologize without falling apart. Since I couldn't figure it out, I found a taxonomy of an apology that explains why "I'm sorry" doesn't actually work, even when it's not followed by "But."

I found a list of animal metaphors for apologies both good and bad at Serendipity, featuring hedgehogs, vampires, and false masks.

There's a short, nice compare-and-contrast piece at Hivemind. I've used the last version as a way to steer between failing and grovelling.

And the psychologist who wrote No One Understands You and What to Do About It published the form I prefer to use now. (links to article in Fast Company with the actual step-by-step breakout of what to say, how it works, and why that helps)

Best part for me is that once I've done it right, I pay a lot more attention to not repeating the wrong act that put me in the wrong to begin with. It makes the difference between trying to pass for NT and trying to be a better me. I don't have the energy to do the first anymore, but I can always be inspired for the second.

 

[Judge]

On a scale of one to ten? I'd be about a four.

They don't come easy for me either.

 

[On the Inside]

Those are some valuable resources, AG4H. They really lay it out in an understandable fashion.

I guess the part where I've had trouble is saying "sorry, but...." So often, I didn't know why I did something or behaved in such a way, other than I really needed help. So out would come the big excuse, which, at it's core for me was about saying "there is something wrong with me, but I don't know what, and I can't seem to stop it."

Of course, that does nothing for the person wronged, it is all about the wrong-doer. I still have trouble sometimes, understanding how I have harmed someone, but there are many more instances where I do something, see that I reacted poorly, or let something go and say "sorry about that, I'll do better next time."

 

[Suzanne]

When I know I have been in the wrong, I am very fast to say sorry. It is chronically difficult if I do not feel I am in the wrong, but for peace know I have to and so, beg Jehovah to help me be humble and then I can say sorry but for the atmosphere, not the issue.

I have no problem saying sorry when it is required. It is actually, incredibly cleansing.

 

[AsheSkyler]

If it's minor or unintentional like dropping a plate on somebody's hand, I have no problem apologizing. If somebody has aggravated me to the point I start snapping at them, no, I'm not going to apologize because they shouldn't have been an asshole in the first place.

What most people have trouble with me is that I don't accept apologies. If they did something intentional, then the best apology they can do is to not do it again. Some autism experts like to blame that on my neurology, but screw them, they don't always know what they're talking about. Neurology has nothing to do with hundreds of experience of somebody rattling off a half-hearted "sorry" just to get themselves out of immediate trouble and then do it to you again at a later date. If they had truly been remorseful, they would have taken steps to change.

 

[KinksFan]

I'm quick to apologize, because I don't want people to think I'm a hurtful person. I never did like being seen as the bad guy. I also have vivid memories of being chastised by my mum, the times she thought I was rude. It got to the point that I went shy, so I wouldn't seem to be hurting people by mistake.