Anyone prefer not to socialize?

[King_Oni]

Last night on another forum something came up and pitched my 2 cents. Not long after that there was response to my post where someone called out my behaviour not healthy and "pretty sad".

This made me rethink the status of socializing a bit over the night/morning. I think there's another reason why I prefer not to socialize.

I don't socialize because I need to get stuff done. Need might be a slight exaggeration here, but generally speaking; if I end up being social a lot, I cannot focus on whatever I'm doing at the time, and it will take me longer to finish something.

The thing in particular was painting miniature figures and how some people find the time to do so. One of the things I mentioned was "I don't go out a lot and chances are that on friday night I'm painting, saturday night I'm painting and on sunday, when everyone is having a hangover I'm painting again". And granted it's a hobby, a past-time, I still think that the moment you socialize a lot, you'll slack off. I rather get my **** done. Yes, it's about priorities and being in a bar every week is not among them.

The funniest thing in that discussion is that in fact a lot of people who claim to be more social (and choose for obligations like a familylife, etc.) also complained how they didn't have time to finish up their miniature projects.

Heck; I do have another example on this. Work. The times I had a job it was miserable in the fact that there was a lot of overtime. Overtime, why? Partly because people didn't work at a steady pace. I'm not on my job to socialize and chitchat, I'm there to work those 8 hours... that's what I'm paid to be around for and leave. So again here; socializing doesn't get **** done.

 

[Bay]

Heck; I do have another example on this. Work. The times I had a job it was miserable in the fact that there was a lot of overtime. Overtime, why? Partly because people didn't work at a steady pace. I'm not on my job to socialize and chitchat, I'm there to work those 8 hours... that's what I'm paid to be around for and leave. So again here; socializing doesn't get **** done.

I'm with you, KO. I don't mind being friendly at work, but dislike socializing. For one, I've got things to do; that's why I'm there, after all. Two, its usually boring conversation about nothing--just mindless chatter. What a waste!

 

[Stardust]

Sometimes I'm thinking that I became asocial due to some assholes in my life. For example, yesterday I called a guy and invited him in the city because I felt I needed to talk with somebody and I also was pretty ****ing depressed because of the upper neighbor who's very noisy and uneducated. And he ****ing refused me. And to mention he is an ugly dude with a tooth missing and yet he has more self esteem and dignity than I do have. He told me this: " what, you can't buy yourself a beer and stay alone?" :/

 

[Loomis]

I go to the YMCA to work out about four or five times a week. I really like using the steamroom after a workout but if there is any place I feel less inclined to socialize then sitting naked in the steamroom I do not know where it might be. I usually go to a corner put one foot up on a stool and face the wall to make it as clear as possible I am not interested in having a conversation with other steamroom inhabitants. Well yesterday there were two other men in the steamroom and one says to the other "Did you go swimming today?" The other guy, a man about 75 took this as his cue to start a twenty minute monologue. I could tell he was NT because he was so nonchalant and gregarious in his style and his talk lacked any structured information content. He talked on and on about his daughter, her high school sports experiences, the coaches philosophy and his opinion about why the coach acted the way he did. He had a very fluid conversational style but his talk contained nothing of interest. The other guy who engaged him said almost nothing as the old guy just went on and on. I find it curious that this is not very much different from an aspie talking on and on about a "special interest." The only difference seems to be the old NT's rambling is socially acceptable because it was less compulsive. While an aspie would describe detailed information in an encyclopedic style the NT just rambled on and on with very little connectedness among his topics. The old NT's "speech" is socially acceptable and not considered unusual or out of the ordinary whereas an aspie talk on a special interest is thought to be obsessive and weird.

The key to NT social interaction seems to be the ability and desire to talk without saying anything of value. I guess it is the underlying nonverbal connections that are the point of it all and not information exchange and that is why us aspies do not get it. We are looking for purpose and meaning in the words but for NTs information is a secondary consideration and can be irrelevant.

I have been working very hard at integrating into NT social situations while retaining my aspieness. I mostly watch and and listen while working very hard to eliminate any anxiety. This works pretty well for me. People can sense I am different and I think they just accept it as quirkiness. I will go to a superbowl party today even though I do not give a rat's pitooey who wins. I will watch the people and try to maintain a feeling of personal comfort in the surroundings.

 

[Manders0724]

I don't like to socialize if it's with new people, or even with a larger group of people that I know. I find it hard to maintain conversations, my husband says I'm socially awkward. In all honesty, most of the friends I ever made were made under the influence of alcohol, and typically don't last. My husband is one person who has been here forever, but even he notices when I'm uncomfortable with a situation.

 

[Bay]

The key to NT social interaction seems to be the ability and desire to talk without saying anything of value.

I laughed out loud when I read this. It is exactly what I think, too. Loomis, this is my Quote of the Day!

 

[Aalo]

I like being alone, and almost never need company that bad it'd make me ill. People hardly serve me any purpose as they either seem ignorant to my interests or I don't get them so I think it's best for both not to waste anyones time. I don't really enjoy being a burden for anyone. I have three good friends, one NT and two AS's, whom I see IRL maybe once, twice a years, and that's just perfect. We know well and I can act really naturally with them.

As a teenager I socialized pretty ok at school, but hardly saw my friends on free time, and that has turned to be harder and harder as I've grown. Now I don't even understand the concept oh having study friends. I go to college for lectures, and after those I flee as fast as I can. Recently I noticed after short discussion one person who goes on same lectures as me, being somehow interesting and I had courage to ask her for coffee. But as I'm so good on fleeing I bet she hates me by now as I even can't speak to her at uni, only via emails. Sometimes I hope I never wanted to talk to her. It is so frustrating not to be able to act like planned, but to realize this whole situation.
In big group situations it's fine by me to get lost in my own thoughts and not to talk to anyone around, but I get the feeling it is no appropriate. So I've also started avoiding going to most uninteresting lectures at all. My opinion is that I always did lot better in working life where I could just focus on completing current task with no questions asked.

On a contrast I really enjoy chatting ie. with strange old lady at grocery store, as I'm not forced to give up any essential information about myself and after that act I can just disappear into my own void again.

 

[LikeyouToMe]

I long for acceptance and love from those I like and care about, but it's hard for me to cope with the crap that comes with that. I know I don't have AS but I know you guys understand that it's hard for people to take how I am and it's hard for me to take and accept how they are.

I feel that so many of the people I actually care about never bother with me, I've attempted to contact them and I either never get anything back or half arsed replies of "Yeah man, lemme know when you are free" and when you do, no reply, ever. The same people then have the cheek when you bring that up that you don't contact them either???

For once I would just f**kin love to open the door on a day off and find someone I know and love there, but alas "life gets in the way". I no longer want to go out to clubs and gigs where there are people I don't know or have the energy to communicate with.

People don't understand how diblitating it is to suffer from AS, BPD, ERD, anxiety and depression, either that or they just don't actually f**king care about it and can't be bothered with it.

I know this is a bit of a ramble, just venting

 

[Aalo]

half arsed replies of "Yeah man, lemme know when you are free" and when you do, no reply, ever.

On some levels I know what you're talking to. I can't blame people finding it hard to relating me as I often tell them being busy as I lay at home for days doing my own things just for not needing to meet anyone. And of course if they do find out that I hadn't anything "relevant" to do that makes me a liar. Who, of course, has no privilege to meet them and needs to be punished somehow. I have no clue if there is any acceptable way to tell NT person that no, I just don't want to spend this day with you but that doesn't mean that didn't like you and wouldn't like to see you later.
But then all their reasons are surely just ok, I don't mind others businesses.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I go to the YMCA to work out about four or five times a week. I really like using the steamroom after a workout but if there is any place I feel less inclined to socialize then sitting naked in the steamroom I do not know where it might be. I usually go to a corner put one foot up on a stool and face the wall to make it as clear as possible I am not interested in having a conversation with other steamroom inhabitants. Well yesterday there were two other men in the steamroom and one says to the other "Did you go swimming today?" The other guy, a man about 75 took this as his cue to start a twenty minute monologue. I could tell he was NT because he was so nonchalant and gregarious in his style and his talk lacked any structured information content. He talked on and on about his daughter, her high school sports experiences, the coaches philosophy and his opinion about why the coach acted the way he did. He had a very fluid conversational style but his talk contained nothing of interest. The other guy who engaged him said almost nothing as the old guy just went on and on. I find it curious that this is not very much different from an aspie talking on and on about a "special interest." The only difference seems to be the old NT's rambling is socially acceptable because it was less compulsive. While an aspie would describe detailed information in an encyclopedic style the NT just rambled on and on with very little connectedness among his topics. The old NT's "speech" is socially acceptable and not considered unusual or out of the ordinary whereas an aspie talk on a special interest is thought to be obsessive and weird.

The key to NT social interaction seems to be the ability and desire to talk without saying anything of value. I guess it is the underlying nonverbal connections that are the point of it all and not information exchange and that is why us aspies do not get it. We are looking for purpose and meaning in the words but for NTs information is a secondary consideration and can be irrelevant.

I have been working very hard at integrating into NT social situations while retaining my aspieness. I mostly watch and and listen while working very hard to eliminate any anxiety. This works pretty well for me. People can sense I am different and I think they just accept it as quirkiness. I will go to a superbowl party today even though I do not give a rat's pitooey who wins. I will watch the people and try to maintain a feeling of personal comfort in the surroundings.

Usually with NTs you have an opening line to start a conversation (I don't know if these two knew each other, but lets say not) that is something that has.to do with what you're doing at the time together (I guess they were at a club and the club has a pool). The 2nd guy starts inserting topics that are on his mind at that time that he's been thinking about lately, but usually the topics will be about something the other 1st guy has in common, as well (in this case - kids, talking about kids is always an acceptable topic). The 2nd guy rambles about his kid and the 1st guy will act like he's listening, but what he's really waiting for is a similarity that he has with 2nd guy and that's his cue to start talking about that topic. A conversation is built on similarities that two people have.and it's through these similarities people get to know each other more and form bonds making friendships.
There have been some people who I have just met and they have talked my leg off which I let them keep talking and try to actively listen (etiquette), but if there is no topic they talk about that I have a similarity with, then it will never form Into a relationship - it's just chit chat to be polite.
Loomis, you mentioned you would talk about a topic in "encyclopedia style". I, as an NT, wouldn't listen to that very long because it would be a lot of work and thinking trying to make sense out of what you were saying. I read one of your other posts about the "happy as a clam" and I had to stop - it was just too much thinking for me than I wanted to do at that time. NT's and Aspies are definitely wired different. I hope what I said made some sense, but it is 5 in the morning and I still need to get to sleep.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

On some levels I know what you're talking to. I can't blame people finding it hard to relating me as I often tell them being busy as I lay at home for days doing my own things just for not needing to meet anyone. And of course if they do find out that I hadn't anything "relevant" to do that makes me a liar. Who, of course, has no privilege to meet them and needs to be punished somehow. I have no clue if there is any acceptable way to tell NT person that no, I just don't want to spend this day with you but that doesn't mean that didn't like you and wouldn't like to see you later.
But then all their reasons are surely just ok, I don't mind others businesses.

Just tell them you need some time to finish up on some personal things at home that need some attention. By saying "personal things", it is known by most NTs not to ask what. Or you can say "I really need to get some things done around the house." That one is used quite a bit.

 

[Raggerty]

Socializing to me is an anathema.
Just can't bear it.
If i HAVE to go somewhere i hit the bar first thing and that helps.
"The key to NT social interaction seems to be the ability and desire to talk without saying anything of value."
That is just classic Loomis.
I just can't do small talk.
That seems to revolve around crap i'm not interested in or worse,stuff i utterly loath.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Socializing to me is an anathema.
Just can't bear it.
If i HAVE to go somewhere i hit the bar first thing and that helps.
"The key to NT social interaction seems to be the ability and desire to talk without saying anything of value."
That is just classic Loomis.
I just can't do small talk.
That seems to revolve around crap i'm not interested in or worse,stuff i utterly loath.

I kinda agree with you - a lot of what NT's talk about is crap - or what is called "shooting the sh*t" . I have this other NT friend "Mary" and she talks a lot - I mean a lot (I have to think if I want to call her sometimes because she can carry on a conversation for 5 hrs all by herself - I bet if I look, her picture would be in the Guinness Book of World Records for "most gabbing"!) But in between all the "crap" she talks about (as I'm passively listening), she'll say something that will absolutely brighten my day - and that's what makes listening to all her other "crap" worthwhile. Aside from my Ma, Mary is my true best friend (along with her husband Jimmy.) She has brought me out of a lot if my down times. It's sad because Mary has actually told me she has no friends but me and can't understand why (I have sat listening to her on the phone crying about it). I think she's wonderful (like a second Ma). I guess (know) that NT's must have problems too making friends, even though they know how to socialize.

** I had to look up the word anathema.

 

[CassieR]

Well, yes. I do sort of socialize. It depends though. If I'm around friends or family and they introduce me to someone. I'm somewhat am open to them because my friend or family know them. More friends then family though.

However, when I'm alone. Like if I'm at school and I don't know anyone in a certain class. I get really shy and I sometimes lose my ability to even speak. It's more hard if I'm going to be switching school like, Elementary to Jr. High, then to High School. Mostly because most of my friends from elementary went to a different jr. high, and most of my friends now are going to be going to a different high school.

 

[ExplosiveTMT]

I gave up socializing in my childhood. I had tried to make friends but every kid I tried would have LONG conversations, and I'm not the type of person to be talking for long stretches of time.

But in recent years, I've met a few people who I've become great friends with. They understood that I'm not the type of person to talk a lot.

So to answer the question, I do socialize, so long as the person or people I'm with know that I'm not much of a talker.

I prefer to do stuff rather than sit and talk a lot.

Having said that, I am comfortable talking online to my friends. My facebook conversations with them could go on forever.
Funny that.

 

[xNIGHTPAINx]

I hate socializing. Making new friends and going through the whole "getting to know you" process is so stressful for me. Going out to parties even in college when I had a rather large group of friends was torture. It only took a small about of time and I would totally shut down. Which no one seemed to notice. They barely spoke to me anyway. Since then none of us keep in touch.

It's hard though. I do get lonely and wish that I had people to talk to. I miss having one or two close friends. I'm just too scared to try and meet people. I get overwhelmed and don't really know how to go about making friends in the adult world. When you're younger there's always opportunities to make friends out of circumstance, having classes together or the same breaks in between classes. As an adult it's much much harder.

 

[nowwhat]

I didn't know I was aspie until 9 years ago, at 40. I did my best prior to that, to live like everyone else, including marrying and socializing in all the normal and expected ways. I never got any good at it, and it stressed me out and probably made me more negative about people than if I had kept to myself. Now that I know who and what I am, I am much happier keeping to myself, but after 20+ years, this change in my behavior is not popular with my family, but I've gotta be me.....

 

[Sass]

I look at small talk and chit-chat (which can often seem meaningless to us) as the NT version of a stim. When I look at it like that, I see the way it soothes people and makes them feel more grounded and settled, and takes them away from whatever it is that's bothering them. I can't really fault anyone for that, even if I don't understand it or require the same things. And honestly, small talk follows a pretty easy pattern, which at the end of the day isn't challenging me or telling me I'm wrong or bad, so I can deal with it. I suppose if they have to deal with my sh*t, I should probably deal with theirs too.

 

[Sass]

That's not say anyone should be forced to be sociable though, if it really messes them up that much, that's just how I see it...

 

[CJinherPJs]

Three years since my last post in this thread, and I've come to the conclusion that, for the most part, socialising is overrated. That's just my opinion though. I enjoy having meaningful conversations with like-minded people, who I know won't judge me for being myself, but otherwise, socialising feels like a chore to me. All my life, I've felt like a fish out of water in social situations, never knowing the "right" thing to say or how to say it and, even though I've learnt to mimic NT behaviour, it takes a lot of effort. It's why I try to keep social contact to a minimum, and prefer to keep those around me as just acquaintances rather than developing friendships. Creating and maintaining friendships requires a lot of effort, more so than I'm willing to give, and I don't want to be on bad terms with anybody due to not keeping my end of the deal.

I'm not a fan of idle chit-chat either, but unfortunately I seem to have the ability to attract people who only ever want to talk about themselves, or boast about their families. No chance for anybody else to speak; it's all about them. I guess I'm just too mild-mannered to tell such people nobody really gives a sh*t, or tell them straight where to go.