Anxiety

[Aspergirl4hire]

Wow Aspergirl4hire, thank you so very much. It does me a lot of good on here, you are all such amazing people.
I do find it surprising that you show such empathy for me when aspies are supposed to be low on the empathy scale. When I was being tested my scores for empathy were very low, and my psychologist explained that this is typical.
Anyway, I'm glad you are not all like me and please accept my heart felt thanks.

Actually, aspies score very high on empathy, contrary to what's commonly known. It's one of the things that drives the withdrawal and need for quiet and solitude; we can catch emotions and atmospheres as if they were viruses, and suffer from them for a longer time than the people we caught them from. The aptitude gets a lot of practice, because we also suffer from being different and often mistreated, as the research (not opinion blogs, actual research) shows.

Psychopaths and sociopaths, on the other hand...

 

[Larisa]

I feel for you, Baz
I really feel that very way quite often.
I analyzed my thoughts and feelings about this anxiety and depression and I realized that it's repeating of the same opposition to my efforts to get along that makes me feel unsecure, inadequate, exhausted and haunted. The worst of it - this 'beating to breach a wall' day after day makes me feel trapped.
It's very seldom that I take mild tranquiliser because I see that the reasons for my depression are in the real world as it exists.
I prefer escaping to my interests and dealing with stress on my own.
I think that living together with somebody is a stressful factor as well as an occasional emotional support.
Sometimes everyone has to rest from other people - even the most loved and loving.
Can you get some time for yourself? A day or two, the more is the better.
Once I has made for myself vacations for 6 months - I had no means to really leave my city, but I gave myself as much time to rest and to take off all the possible pressure of expectations from me.
It was so refreshing and peaceful for me even though at first I was scared to let myself conciously 'drift away' from people and to stop my desperate tryings to keep pace with 'normal' everyone.
I reconsidered a lot of things and I managed to return to the real world and find a new job - but this time I felt more sure of what I really am and what I want for myself.

 

[Larisa]

Today has been a day of mixed emotions, you all probably think " well, nothing new there then mate ". And you would be right because everyday is a battle. I have been very anxious again, this time more about how I've failed to be the father I should have been, and the husband my wife deserves to have. I look at her after being together for 30yrs and all I see is pain and sadness.

I often feel sadness and pity for my sister and friends to stuck with me. Sometimes I am so engrossed with my disgust and hatred for myself that I think they'll do better without me.
I've nearly drown as I was 4 years old - I remember that quite clearly - and I occasionally feel the pull of that lightness for all my life. That lead me to reconsider the meaning of death for me - it's a final relief: no more worries, no more pain or fear.
No more chances to change anything or to observe as something scary (that I believed was inevitable) suddenly disperses without a trace.
No more miracles of meeting people who sees me as I am and accepts me for my real self.
No more victories over what I deemed impossible for me.
No more new horizonts to explore and share my findings with other people.
Yes, life is everyday battle for me. I just try to keep in my mind what I am really fighting for.

And one more thing my psychologist taught me: choose for yourself and let other people choose for themselves.
It took off a lot of pressure from me: if my friends are really so stressed with me as I fear them to be - I let them choose to leave or take a pause in our relationship. I trust them to care for their own comfort - and I will care for mine.
I was afraid to loose everyone as soon as I stop trying to please them on every occasion and to guess what can I do for them.
Now I think: if they'll be in trouble they'll ask me. Or, knowing me, they'll hint the way that I'll get the message to offer my help.
As well as I'll ask them for certain help or I'll signal about my difficulties for them to take part if they can and feel like at that moment.
That's called 'taking responsibility'. Funny thing - I started to feel a lot easier after starting to learn that.

you know, I tried to commit suicide several times in my teens and I truly believe I should have died when I was 14, then all this hurt that I have inflicted upon everyone would never have happened. I'm so sorry to talk like this its just been such a hard life and it all catches up with me sometimes.
This forum does help me and I know I will pick myself up again, and all of you have been lovely to me. I wonder, if you knew me in the flesh I would very soon drive you away so at least you are all safe from me.
I'm seeing my psychiatrist next week so maybe he'll perform a miracle, who knows.

I've thought twice about committing suicide for real.
My first spontaneous attempt (and the only one committed) was at 11 years and resulted in spine injury that took 2 years to heal. I can not relay what I felt like these years and later - for it distressed my parents and my sister very much.
They nearly went out of their mind because it was a very hard time for my family after USSR fell apart and poverty and panic reined over people of my country.
I felt like a deserter, like I really let them down as if they did not have everything else to deal with on their hands.
So every time when I hit by hardships of my life so desperately I start to consider escaping this cruel world - I start to think practically: how I can make it without any chance to survive as an invalid and (that's primary for me!) without much pain (really it's an absurd to die painfully to avoid painfully living!).
Oh, and I really don't want to leave this world in a messy way - come to think of those innocent people who will have to deal with my remains...
After playing in my mind with pictures and letting go some of my despair and pity for myself I come around with only natural death in peacful sleep satisfies all three conditions. So...
Here I am