Advice please

[Jessica12]

Hi I have just joined this site and have found it helpful. I would like some advice please. I met my boyfriend who is 50 this year in january on a dating website I am NT, he said the right things and we had a lot in common and he is highly intelligent. We met up for a date and it was lovely. I noticed that he was never on time for our other dates but it made me laugh I was never angry. I moved in with him in May as he wanted a more permanent arrangement and do the couple thing. He has started a new high profile job which is quite demanding for him and he travels a lot now but he seems obsessed with his job and his phone is always with him. he doesn't text me i have to text first to have a conversation, he comes home late and likes routine which is fine, I do all the cooking cleaning washing and ironing and work full time. I have dinner waiting for him and he thanks me and turns his face so I kiss his cheek, we eat in silence and he talks about him and his day which is fine, he asks me about mine but when I start the conversation he sometimes either gets up and walks away or puts the tv on loud. He struggles with memory loss sometimes and he is always right and says that he is a man's man. We only go out to the cinema now and again and a local coffee outlet as a treat for me which again I find funny. He only likes a hug when he wants one and he has just started to instigate a kiss but a peck only. We have only been intimate once which didn't seem pleasant for him but i was supportive and considerate and never spoke about it. We go to bed with him putting covers between us and he is always tired. Last week I asked if he needed some patience with regards to cuddles and he said what do you mean and got angry and didn't speak to me properly for a few weeks, yet again I was supportive and caring and helped him with jobs around the house.
I think he may have asd but I dare not ask him as I don't want him to feel different or not normal as I love him for who he is and I don't know if he knows as he won't talk about any feelings. He has had many girlfriends and was married for a short time but stated that he was never lonely and tolerates women as he has two sisters and a mum who are strong opinionated women. He gets angry with drivers who get in his way and drives fast and can be a bit in nerving as a passenger.
I now know why his relationships were short lived but I think I understand him now.
I love him and I am prepared to look after him and give support. I think he knows I love him but I don't know and I am definitely not going to leave him. He said laat night he likes coming home, is that a good sign that he wants me around and he cares for me? I don't know.

He makes many trips to the toilet after eating and I have sent off for a tolerance test for food however I notice that on the forum somes aspies have stomach issues so has given me an insight into this area.

So I think his has traits of aspergers syndrome but not sure. Any advice would be most welcome.
Thank you for reading my post.

 

[Bolletje]

Are you getting what you want from this relationship? More importantly, are you happy? To me, it doesn’t read like you are. This relationship sounds terribly one-sided. And I’m afraid slapping a label on your boyfriend isn’t going to make the relationship more fulfilling all of a sudden.

But if being a caretaker is your thing and you are truly happy with the balance in this relationship, power to you. In that case I’m also wondering what difference a label would make.

As for the digestive issues: 10 to 15 % of the population in the so-called civilized world has a form of irritable bowel syndrome. I wouldn’t call long bathroom visits a diagnostic clue for Aspergers

 

[Judge]

I'm afraid there just isn't enough IMO to consider autism to be part of this equation. I'm not even sure what the equation may be in this instance. Though on the surface maybe he is exactly what he appears to be. Someone married to their work who only seeks the services of a domestic.

My condolences.

Advice? Don't walk away. -Run.

 

[Jessica12]

Are you getting what you want from this relationship? More importantly, are you happy? To me, it doesn’t read like you are. This relationship sounds terribly one-sided. And I’m afraid slapping a label on your boyfriend isn’t going to make the relationship more fulfilling all of a sudden.

But if being a caretaker is your thing and you are truly happy with the balance in this relationship, power to you. In that case I’m also wondering what difference a label would make.

Hi thanks for your comment, I am happy I would like to make his life more fulfilling and hopefully let him know I am not going to leave him as he seems a bit distant at times.

 

[Bolletje]

Hi thanks for your comment, I am happy I would like to make his life more fulfilling and hopefully let him know I am not going to leave him as he seems a bit distant at times.

But does he make YOUR life more fulfilling? Or do you just live to serve him?

 

[Jessica12]

I'm afraid there just isn't enough IMO to consider autism to be part of this equation. I'm not even sure what the equation may be in this instance. Though on the surface maybe he is exactly what he appears to be. Someone married to their work who only seeks the services of a domestic.

My condolences.

Advice? Don't walk away. -Run.

Thank you for your comment

 

[Jessica12]

But does he make YOUR life more fulfilling? Or do you just live to serve him?

Yes I will think this one over thank you

 

[Judge]

Hi thanks for your comment, I am happy I would like to make his life more fulfilling and hopefully let him know I am not going to leave him as he seems a bit distant at times.

He sounds eerily like my grandfather. But his marriage worked as my grandmother had very few expectations other than to serve and stand by her man. And in the Great Depression he made a good living as a federal law enforcement officer.

Considerations made of practicality rather than love and in very hard times.

 

[Jessica12]

He sounds eerily like my grandfather. But his marriage worked as my grandmother had very few expectations other than to serve and stand by her man. And in the Great Depression he made a good living as a federal law enforcement officer.

Yes I don’t have any expectations from him and I have mentioned this in conversation when we are out as he tends to contribute more to the conversation but doesn’t actually reply. I am yet to meet his parents after 8 months of living together, but I am patient and I think he needs time to accept that I am the one who will stand by him
Thank you

 

[Bolletje]

I just hope you’re careful. Someone who chooses to be with you simply because you stick around and do everything for him... well. Are you hoping that if you stick around long enough, you’ll make yourself unmissable for him? Wouldn’t you rather someone treat you as an equal?
Anyway, those are my ideals, they don’t necessarily have to be yours.

 

[Clander93]

He sounds more Narcissistic than Aspie. And you sound like your not happy. My ex was like this, and eventually I had to leave because I couldn’t settle for not having him at least try to meet my needs if I was going to coddle him.

 

[OkRad]

Hi I have just joined this site and have found it helpful. I would like some advice please. I met my boyfriend who is 50 this year in january on a dating website I am NT, he said the right things and we had a lot in common and he is highly intelligent. We met up for a date and it was lovely. I noticed that he was never on time for our other dates but it made me laugh I was never angry. I moved in with him in May as he wanted a more permanent arrangement and do the couple thing. He has started a new high profile job which is quite demanding for him and he travels a lot now but he seems obsessed with his job and his phone is always with him. he doesn't text me i have to text first to have a conversation, he comes home late and likes routine which is fine, I do all the cooking cleaning washing and ironing and work full time. I have dinner waiting for him and he thanks me and turns his face so I kiss his cheek, we eat in silence and he talks about him and his day which is fine, he asks me about mine but when I start the conversation he sometimes either gets up and walks away or puts the tv on loud. He struggles with memory loss sometimes and he is always right and says that he is a man's man. We only go out to the cinema now and again and a local coffee outlet as a treat for me which again I find funny. He only likes a hug when he wants one and he has just started to instigate a kiss but a peck only. We have only been intimate once which didn't seem pleasant for him but i was supportive and considerate and never spoke about it. We go to bed with him putting covers between us and he is always tired. Last week I asked if he needed some patience with regards to cuddles and he said what do you mean and got angry and didn't speak to me properly for a few weeks, yet again I was supportive and caring and helped him with jobs around the house.
I think he may have asd but I dare not ask him as I don't want him to feel different or not normal as I love him for who he is and I don't know if he knows as he won't talk about any feelings. He has had many girlfriends and was married for a short time but stated that he was never lonely and tolerates women as he has two sisters and a mum who are strong opinionated women. He gets angry with drivers who get in his way and drives fast and can be a bit in nerving as a passenger.
I now know why his relationships were short lived but I think I understand him now.
I love him and I am prepared to look after him and give support. I think he knows I love him but I don't know and I am definitely not going to leave him. He said laat night he likes coming home, is that a good sign that he wants me around and he cares for me? I don't know.

He makes many trips to the toilet after eating and I have sent off for a tolerance test for food however I notice that on the forum somes aspies have stomach issues so has given me an insight into this area.

So I think his has traits of aspergers syndrome but not sure. Any advice would be most welcome.
Thank you for reading my post.

Yikes. If he does not even want to cuddle and you do, this looks more than iffy. If he is asexual and you are not.....ummmm. Now if you both are, great! But you want more, it seems.

 

[LovingMom]

Hi I have just joined this site and have found it helpful. I would like some advice please. I met my boyfriend who is 50 this year in january on a dating website I am NT, he said the right things and we had a lot in common and he is highly intelligent. We met up for a date and it was lovely. I noticed that he was never on time for our other dates but it made me laugh I was never angry. I moved in with him in May as he wanted a more permanent arrangement and do the couple thing. He has started a new high profile job which is quite demanding for him and he travels a lot now but he seems obsessed with his job and his phone is always with him. he doesn't text me i have to text first to have a conversation, he comes home late and likes routine which is fine, I do all the cooking cleaning washing and ironing and work full time. I have dinner waiting for him and he thanks me and turns his face so I kiss his cheek, we eat in silence and he talks about him and his day which is fine, he asks me about mine but when I start the conversation he sometimes either gets up and walks away or puts the tv on loud. He struggles with memory loss sometimes and he is always right and says that he is a man's man. We only go out to the cinema now and again and a local coffee outlet as a treat for me which again I find funny. He only likes a hug when he wants one and he has just started to instigate a kiss but a peck only. We have only been intimate once which didn't seem pleasant for him but i was supportive and considerate and never spoke about it. We go to bed with him putting covers between us and he is always tired. Last week I asked if he needed some patience with regards to cuddles and he said what do you mean and got angry and didn't speak to me properly for a few weeks, yet again I was supportive and caring and helped him with jobs around the house.
I think he may have asd but I dare not ask him as I don't want him to feel different or not normal as I love him for who he is and I don't know if he knows as he won't talk about any feelings. He has had many girlfriends and was married for a short time but stated that he was never lonely and tolerates women as he has two sisters and a mum who are strong opinionated women. He gets angry with drivers who get in his way and drives fast and can be a bit in nerving as a passenger.
I now know why his relationships were short lived but I think I understand him now.
I love him and I am prepared to look after him and give support. I think he knows I love him but I don't know and I am definitely not going to leave him. He said laat night he likes coming home, is that a good sign that he wants me around and he cares for me? I don't know.

He makes many trips to the toilet after eating and I have sent off for a tolerance test for food however I notice that on the forum somes aspies have stomach issues so has given me an insight into this area.

So I think his has traits of aspergers syndrome but not sure. Any advice would be most welcome.
Thank you for reading my post.

I hate to be so blunt, but whether this man has Aspergers or not, why tolerate being treated this way? You deserve to be adored and met fully in your relationship. You're not here to be a full time care taker of another human being.

Find a man who treats you and meets you, like a queen.

 

[Jessica12]

I hate to be so blunt, but whether this man has Aspergers or not, why tolerate being treated this way? You deserve to be adored and met fully in your relationship. You're not here to be a full time care taker of another human being.

Find a man who treats you and meets you, like a queen.[/QUOTE
Thanks for the comment, yes agree, he came home late last night and voluntarily gave me a hug and kissed me which took me by surprise and asked about my day and listened for a short time before putting on the tv. He went to bed exhausted saying he has had a busy day, he sleeps around 12 hours every Saturday to catch up on sleep even though he sleeps well the nights he is at home. I shall see how this evolves

 

[I love roses]

Whenever you get the very same answers from a lot of people you better sit up and take notice. Plus he may be hiding his worst vices. They come out after you tie the knot if you ever do. They don’t get better. They get worse. So if you don’t like it now. You definately won’t like it when you are older and ache all over, or are very tired and he is yelling for you to fetch something or do something. He will age too. If he is 50 and can afford to pay a maid when he gets old and you are wearing out by then then it might be bearable. But he has to bring something of use for you to the table in service, or money. All people in relationships have to contribute something to the relationship or you will never respect him, just resent him. Now if you enjoy cleaning and domestic work and he is providing for you and you are not working, then he has contributed his income, home, and security. If you don't work at all then you should indeed contribute by cleaning and caring for him to take some load off him from his work. But what concerns me is he doesn’t even talk to you. You don’t even know what he does when he travels. I knew of men who had a woman at each location.You have no way to check up on him. If he was a religious nut i could see having covers between you. But you can’t talk to him. you're gonna get tired of that! Why don’t you just ask him if he has a condition? Mine actually has a condition, so I overlook mine. Another concern I have is you have no way to check his background since you met online. Maybe others on this board have ideas on how to check him out. Does he owe lots of money, have prostitutes, gamble, have another family and kids overseas he goes to see or sends money to?

 

[Pinecones]

This sounds less like AS or spectrum and more like plain old toxic behavior. He has no idea how to interact with women because he has been conditioned to not view women like human beings. Men and women are distinctly different and cannot be interacted with equally.

This is so nauseatingly common. Men shut a woman's voice out, they can't here us talk, they literally stare blankly and walk away, as though the sound of a female voice is grating on their ears. They're obsessed with "manliness" and "how to be a man". Keeping up appearances and putting priorities in all the wrong places. I'm not striving for PC here; obviously such behavior can go both ways, but there is a gross imbalance.

This is a big part of toxic masculinity. It's a conditioning, not a syndrome or diagnosis. I see reg flags all over the place and I would drop this like a bad habit.

He's not going to change and you can't hold out for it. You can't save him or help him through this. People only change when THEY want to change, which is rarely.

Also; diagnoses are NOT excuses for toxic behavior. Even if he's on the spectrum, you can't forgive his crappy behavior and let yourself be neglected and ultimately abused.

I'd evaluate what you see in him and what you are attached to. Are you attached to the idea of him? Are you attached to 'who he could be' if you could get him to loosen up a bit? Are you afraid of being alone? Are you fulfilled by feeling like you meet some kind of social expectation as a woman/wife?

I don't ask these in a demeaning way. I mean them in a rational, self-reflective way.

I may be full of beans, but I would think taking a stand for yourself here is the best thing you can do!

 

[Cogitatio]

i agree with a lot of past replies. This is not an aspie vs not aspie question. This is about your happiness. To be honest, if you were not worried by these behaviours you would not have posted. So it implies you either want someone to say he can and will change or he won't. but to accept what you do will eventually turn into resentment in my view and when it does your relationship will be over and you'll need to find someone else. But if you love him, you need to talk to him about the behaviours that you find unacceptable. And if he won't even accept they ate issues get out now. People who don't accept they have problems cannot be fixed. But i wish you all the best and hope it works out.
PS. I'm an aspie. So i know most of my bad behaviours and i work on them. It's not a disability, its a set
of difficult challenges which a are problems for me to solve

 

[BraidedPony]

Get out while you still have some self esteem, and you don’t have that much to begin with.