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Miserable and unmotivated today

Title says it all. I just feel like going back to bed tbh. Not even like playing Skyrim. Decided I might want to go for a career as a dietician, but at this point I feel like picking anything will just end up like it did with my failure at attempting a psychology degree. I'm to indecisive. But I like the idea of a dietitian. Just too unenergized to put it into words right now. Still dunno if its a fit tho. I'm not good at conversation, though i'm good at scripting. Been called friendly and patient and sweet lots though. But I don't even have my drivers license and I am nowhere close to obtaining it. Mom thinks I'm graduating in May and I am not. I would have to not only get my license but feel okay enough driving to go back and forth an hour round trip everyday to go to one of the area's four year schools for a degree. Its heavily regulated. Then again it'd be like that no matter what I pick. For a while I wanted to work with autistic kids, then I wanted to work with preschoolers, now I like the idea of being a dietitian. I just don't know. If I at least had my license and lived on my own working 2 jobs to get by then I could be easier on myself but I don't even have that. I'm a failure as a human being. But I can't even cook for myself! Mom has clients downstairs all day and I feel social anxiety with them around, even with just mom around. I want to eat healthier and experiment with stuff but I have too much social anxiety to do that with anyone here. But I can not afford my own place. But I feel like staying here is holding me back so much. But I can not leave without a license and I can't do school trying to live on my own either its not financially feasible even if I got one either. But I don't want to die either. But i'm 25 and expected to just have it all together and I don't. I hate it. I'll be 30 or 35 by the time I have it all together I bet. A failure, really. Mom really should have just aborted me. She could have had a better life and I would never have known what its like to be this much of a failure and embarrassment to humanity.

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Author
Kari Suttle
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2 min read
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