It takes a village to get a diagnosis, but a small army to actually do anything with it.

So, last post i made i was a bit creeped out by my local autism agency's peer group. However, after talking to the counselor i was assigned, i think i might actually be able to get some help. One of the main points i brought up was controversial among many people i've talked to: the possibility of undiagnosed conduct disorder. The signs were always there, but only i could see them. Everytime i bring it up, it's always either part of one of my conditions, or something everyone does. Whatever response i get, it always has something to do with disregarding those issues because "i'm a teenager." Like i'm sure many people do, i've gotten used to hearing that a lot. Getting a diagnosis was never easy for me, and a lot of the things i struggled with went overlooked. When i tried to tell people about the crippling social anxiety i faced a few years ago, that was so bad that i could not speak, i was told "everyone's anxious. You're in high school, it's normal" having a panic attack every time you go down the busy hallway, never wanting to leave one empty classroom because people were outside, and going mute when you're in a crowd isn't "a teenager thing." But it wasn't all denial. There were a few people who told me that yeah, maybe i was right. Or maybe i was just doing too much research again. I do that a lot. The following year i went to have an assessment, and what a suprise: they found generalized and social anxiety as one of my (numerous) issues. However, i was told i wasn't on the spectrum at all, i only fit for a minor learning disorder. There was my new goal. i tried to pursue the possibility of ASD, and it was the same thing all over again. "It's normal for your age" "you're reading too much into this" "it's all between your ears" but then i stumbled upon this forum, and suddenly i was right again. Albeit slightly deranged, perhaps a little crazy, but still right. That diagnosis was a lot harder to advocate for, but it still happened. Not officially, but i got enough paperwork to make it look like it was. However, i wasn't good to go yet. The designation i got was for services, and i got dropped right into chaos, the weird limbo between childrens and adult programs. Half of the agencies my mom contacted were either closed, bankrupt, sketchy, or couldn't help me. We contacted this agency at the begginning of this year, and i only started getting help a couple weeks before my first social skills group (few days ago). The system is a mess, i wouldn't be suprised if it was being run by the people it was supposed to help (judging by how authoratative the neck-beard dude at my group was, it's a logical conclusion) however, my counselor at this agency agreed with me on all of it. She understood my group was creepy, how getting a diagnosis was like trying to win an arguement with a goldfish in morse code (nothing makes sense and you get stared down intensely) And the lack of help that was availible. She suggested that she could find an autism specific therapist for me, and didn't immeadately toss out the idea of my having a conduct disorder. I know i won't get any help for that one, but it makes me feel a lot a lot better about who i am. Before i came to the conclsion that it was my thoughts and not me, i thought i was evil, some sort of heartless monster who didn't care about those around me, a bad person who deserved to be locked up. Because when i didn't show any empathy, that's what people told me. It was all my fault, i just wasn't trying hard enough to have emotions, i would stop dishonoring my family if i could just The self- diagnosis put me on a path to knowing that i have the choice to silence those thoughts, and instead can just be hostile to authority instead of full on violent (if there was a conversation between me and my brain, it would sound like morbid peer pressure.) I'm not evil, and i don't have to be. The door is open now, i can finally get help. Even if that help is as simple as saying to me "no, i don't think everyone does that."