I'm lost help!!!

Hey, Christophe!

Just seen your call for help, I can't help you getting out of your dark hole, but maybe it helps a bit to talk.
I know very well what you're going through. I've had suicidal thoughts throughout my life and in 2009, my depression became really bad (after I got my AS diagnosis), I've been to hospital twice in 2009. In 2010, I overdosed several kinds of pills to put an end to it (I'm also married, 2 kids!). I ended up on intensive care and then was sent to the closed section of a psychiatric hospital for some weeks.
At that point, I felt exactly like you do now, I thought I'd never again get out of this dark hole. The doctor in hospital changed my medication, gave me citalopram in addition to mirtazapine and after a few weeks, I felt better. Besides, I've had (and still have) a psychiatrist and a psychologist to whom I could talk, who always listen and who are very competent.

You say you're seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist, too, do you get along with them, is it a relief to talk to them and do you have the feeling they're listening? Simply seeing them isn't enough, you need a psychiatrist who gives you the feeling that s/he cares.

And what you're saying about your wife: I've always had and still have some problems with my husband, too, but it'll never be easy for an Aspie to have an uncomplicated relationship (most NTs don't have these!).

Besides, what you have to become aware of : no matter how often you were told in your life that you're worthless (maybe by your classmates back in schooltimes or any other people), you have to become aware of the fact that you're a valuable person, you're worth being loved and you should never tell yourself that you're not worth it. Look, if you're always telling yourself, you're inferior to others because people you've met in your life told you so, you'll never get out of that hole.
You should rather try to emphasise the positive things about you, your strengths and you should try to appreciate the small things in life. Maybe a smile of your kid, a flower on the roadside, a sunset...

And if you feel that you're suicidal, get some help, there are other ways to get out of your dark hole, believe me, you might not be able to believe it right now, but there are other ways than looking for death.

Do you think you can try to find a better way?

Hi Christophe,

Your post is both alarming & sad. So many men received this distorted upbringing when it comes to mental illnesses, gender & so-called 'weakness'. If you have a BRAIN, you can develop mental illnesses. It happens to men, women kids, dogs, cats, chimps, dolphins, lions & horses too so you're in good company. It is NOT a character flaw any more than a broken leg or Asthma are. You cannot just 'get over it' or snap out of it' any more than a person in Diabetic shock can just 'snap out of it'. As far as all these socialized gender 'ideals' around so-called manhood go, I raised my son to not buy into any of this & see it for the falsehood it is. Instead, we urged him to focus on his humanity & be true to who he really is. No swaggering macho-man BS was ever imposed on him.

I expressed concerns for your chronic insomnia & all those pills before. If you can't even keep track of & comprehend what you're taking, you're taking too many freakin' pills! The lack of sleep alone can produce psychotic symptoms, suicidal ideation & a host of other ills. Please look into seeing a different Dr. Also please get a full nutritional profile & find out about your Vitamin D, B12 & iron levels as deficiencies here can lead to many of your symptoms & exacerbate any other condition.

Suicidality is nothing to play with: especially when you factor in heaps of pills & sleeplessness! Although you'd never intentionally plan to harm your wife & child, in the throes of a break-down, anything can happen. Just seeing you in this state will affect your child & kids always know that something is very wrong. they mightn't be able to put the problem into words, but they sense it. Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems: even if those problems do not appear temporary. Growing up fatherless IS harmful to your child.

As for your wife, she has her hands full with a small child AND an incapacitated husband: expecting her to see you as a 'sexual partner' under these circumstances is unrealistic. Can you imagine how frustrated, constantly worried & exhausted she must be feeling? Please call a suicide line & discuss these feelings. Go to a hospital emergency (bring all those pills) & tell them you're suicidal & get seen. This is not something you can do on your own.