I've kept my life a secret. I've kept my inner self and real thoughts a secret all my life. (I do not recommend this for optimal mental health!). What I am, who I am, my daily and life struggles have never been validated. Maybe getting an official diagnosis when i was 39 was my first self-validation.
I'd like to share some things here, as an experiment. Probably won't be anything very deep, or organized, my childhood close to 50 years in the twilight of the the past. I sometime think to myself, if no one knows me, if I don't tell my stories, if my struggles are all struggled in silence, did they really exist? Like a tree that falls in the woods, but there is no one to hear it . . .
My life, in linear (boring) fashion - 2nd child of four from Hungarian emmigrant parents, born and raised just outside of Quebec city. From an early age, I was fluent in three languages (French, Hungarian, English), and I strongly believe that this gave me a huge advantage in helping my mind grasp subtle and abstract concepts of verbal communications.
In grade school, I was bullied mercilessly. Never told my parents, as they were of the opinion that if I am being bullied, I must have done something to cause it. I begged to attend an English language Secondary school to get away from the bullies (though that is not what I told my parents). Did get in, but got bullied just as much. I knew that I was different, did not relate to others, etc.
Joined the Military when I was nineteen, loved it!!! I was accepted, had real friends, did well at my work. So ached to come out from behind my walls and be more 'normal'. I felt so frozen. I worked non-stop at developing better social skills, like teaching myself eye-contact (took a whole year of concentrated daily effort, but finally was able to look AT someone eyes (still can't look INTO anyone's eyes, it hurts my brain to do so!).
However the effort put into keeping up appearance, interacting, the heavy work and duty loads, the lack or privacy and alone time that is part of the military life-style, and my growing inner anguish of self-loathing from knowing that there was something wrong with me, the lifetime of childhood bullying, and a host of abusive and dysfunctional issues from my home life caught up to me, and after 10 years of trying to keep it together, I had a mental collapse.
I left the military, depressed, anxious, lost, defeated. Sold my house, and over the next ten years, I lived off the profits from the sale. Then when that was gone, I lived off my credit cards until the bill collectors came calling. So I slowly, and in a measured, exploratory way, I got back to work, starting with part time jobs, and making my way into a full time job.
I had three wishes: being out of debt, owning property, and having life stability.
I have two out of three, with the being out of debt a real possibility in the next few years. I feel like I have accomplished a lot, and yet I still struggle through everyday. I feel I have to hide from the world, as the clashing and banging of the real world will destroy me, and by hiding, no one knows me.
If a tree falls in the woods . . .
I'd like to share some things here, as an experiment. Probably won't be anything very deep, or organized, my childhood close to 50 years in the twilight of the the past. I sometime think to myself, if no one knows me, if I don't tell my stories, if my struggles are all struggled in silence, did they really exist? Like a tree that falls in the woods, but there is no one to hear it . . .
My life, in linear (boring) fashion - 2nd child of four from Hungarian emmigrant parents, born and raised just outside of Quebec city. From an early age, I was fluent in three languages (French, Hungarian, English), and I strongly believe that this gave me a huge advantage in helping my mind grasp subtle and abstract concepts of verbal communications.
In grade school, I was bullied mercilessly. Never told my parents, as they were of the opinion that if I am being bullied, I must have done something to cause it. I begged to attend an English language Secondary school to get away from the bullies (though that is not what I told my parents). Did get in, but got bullied just as much. I knew that I was different, did not relate to others, etc.
Joined the Military when I was nineteen, loved it!!! I was accepted, had real friends, did well at my work. So ached to come out from behind my walls and be more 'normal'. I felt so frozen. I worked non-stop at developing better social skills, like teaching myself eye-contact (took a whole year of concentrated daily effort, but finally was able to look AT someone eyes (still can't look INTO anyone's eyes, it hurts my brain to do so!).
However the effort put into keeping up appearance, interacting, the heavy work and duty loads, the lack or privacy and alone time that is part of the military life-style, and my growing inner anguish of self-loathing from knowing that there was something wrong with me, the lifetime of childhood bullying, and a host of abusive and dysfunctional issues from my home life caught up to me, and after 10 years of trying to keep it together, I had a mental collapse.
I left the military, depressed, anxious, lost, defeated. Sold my house, and over the next ten years, I lived off the profits from the sale. Then when that was gone, I lived off my credit cards until the bill collectors came calling. So I slowly, and in a measured, exploratory way, I got back to work, starting with part time jobs, and making my way into a full time job.
I had three wishes: being out of debt, owning property, and having life stability.
I have two out of three, with the being out of debt a real possibility in the next few years. I feel like I have accomplished a lot, and yet I still struggle through everyday. I feel I have to hide from the world, as the clashing and banging of the real world will destroy me, and by hiding, no one knows me.
If a tree falls in the woods . . .
