First i'll start of by introducing myself and explaining some of my history, then I'll get into what i actually want to talk about. This will probably be a long entry. I'm Kari and I'm a 22 year old college student. I've struggled with depression, anxiety, and self harm since i was in middle school and my parents always considered it to just all be in my head, like if i just tried harder it would go away. It comes and goes, and they just don't understand. They think that because they worked hard to give me everything, and expect only the best of me, that I'll just be the best and always be fine. At least that's what i get out of it. I asked for help more than once and i just got yelled at and insulted and so on. The one time they offered to pay for help, provided i sought it out, it was next to impossible to get with the circumstances at the time, plus i believed what they'd spent months telling me that if i just tried harder and got out and made friends i would be fine like i should be, that it was bad wrong to feel not okay. They took all that back the moment i failed for a second semester in a row, even though i asked them for help for a second time. It was a year and a half ago, and they nearly kicked me out that time. They cut me off financially, insisted i was lying when i said i just wanted a one semester break from classes then i'd go back, refused to pay to send me to a dorm so i could continue going to a regular four year college, and insisted that in six months they wanted me out of the house. Obviously they extended that to a year, and since im in school now its a moot point anyways. But for a year i was constantly being ridiculed, constantly on the verge of being kicked out. I had to work 50hrs at a babysitting job and on top of that another 30-35 at a part time job as a cashier. I got up at 5am and worked from 6am to 11pm everyday with only a break between jobs, and full 9hr shifts on weekends at my cashiering job. Now that's restricted to just weekends, but even still its a lot of work. I can't afford college without it though.
I just...i just don't feel accepted by my own family even now. They only accept me based on how well i'm succeeding at life. I feel lonely at home and lonely all the time cause i have no friends. My only friend stopped talking to me, but even before that we'd fought often. She'd been my only friend since i was eight years old. The only person i have that really accepts me is the one and a half year old boy i babysit, which is kind of pathetic really even if he does mean a lot to me. Everyone else i feel like either already hates me or would hate me again/newly if they knew how i really feel, if they knew about all my self harm scars. I've pretty much stopped self harming within the past few months so that's better, but i still struggle. I never get a day off and i'm long since burnt out on coming home just to study. The day they gave up on me almost a year and a half ago was the day i gave up on both them and myself. Its been hell ever since but it was hell even before then.
I just hate the feeling that even if i get through this and graduate and miraculously get a job - cause who'd want someone with a degree obtained *online* - even if all that miraculously just falls together, i feel like i'll just be some lonely person with a job and an empty apartment. No friends, no one to feel like i matter to. I've never even dated, how pathetic is that? I don't want to always be alone. But i can't just make friends like people tell me to either...its not that simple, and even if i was good at it i don't know that i'd trust anyone to stick by me or not betray me the instant they found out i wasn't the problem free person they thought i was. Pathetic excuse for problems, i've never been through any hardship or abuse to legitimize any of this. Plus i pretty much deserve all the stress i'm under cause its my fault im in this situation in the first place, failing and never being okay at my old school.
I just...i just don't feel accepted by my own family even now. They only accept me based on how well i'm succeeding at life. I feel lonely at home and lonely all the time cause i have no friends. My only friend stopped talking to me, but even before that we'd fought often. She'd been my only friend since i was eight years old. The only person i have that really accepts me is the one and a half year old boy i babysit, which is kind of pathetic really even if he does mean a lot to me. Everyone else i feel like either already hates me or would hate me again/newly if they knew how i really feel, if they knew about all my self harm scars. I've pretty much stopped self harming within the past few months so that's better, but i still struggle. I never get a day off and i'm long since burnt out on coming home just to study. The day they gave up on me almost a year and a half ago was the day i gave up on both them and myself. Its been hell ever since but it was hell even before then.
I just hate the feeling that even if i get through this and graduate and miraculously get a job - cause who'd want someone with a degree obtained *online* - even if all that miraculously just falls together, i feel like i'll just be some lonely person with a job and an empty apartment. No friends, no one to feel like i matter to. I've never even dated, how pathetic is that? I don't want to always be alone. But i can't just make friends like people tell me to either...its not that simple, and even if i was good at it i don't know that i'd trust anyone to stick by me or not betray me the instant they found out i wasn't the problem free person they thought i was. Pathetic excuse for problems, i've never been through any hardship or abuse to legitimize any of this. Plus i pretty much deserve all the stress i'm under cause its my fault im in this situation in the first place, failing and never being okay at my old school.
