I hate feeling so weak and needy

[Kavigant]

I am ASD1, so most people likely have no idea that I am not NT, except that I am a bit strange sometimes.
But my challenges mean that I rely on my wife so much. I rely on her to help me interpret the world and my own reactions to it.

I had to leave my old job and rely on her income to support us.
She is a very strong woman, but I sometimes feel bad for relying on her so much.

I think her family thinks less of me because they don't understand why I am not working. They must think that I am a lazy freeloader.
I feel bad because sometimes I feel that I am a very weak man. Society says that I should be a leader, but I failed so badly so many times when I tried to be a leader.

My wife's mom is ill now, and I know that my wife is afraid and struggling, and I am helping by taking her mom to doctor's appointments and such.
But I feel so ashamed sometimes of my weakness and neediness.

I tell my wife this, and she reassures me that I help and support her and our kids so much.

I just hate feeling so weak and needy.

 

[Judge]

@Kavigant
"I tell my wife this, and she reassures me that I help and support her and our kids so much."

I suspect you've answered your own question. Be more confident of what you already have.

 

[AprilR]

You are not weak at all. Supporting a family does not mean only economically.
I know if i were to get married and have kids, i would not be able to manage all the responsibility of both work and family life

Your wife is different from you, (assuming she is nt) and it sounds like she appreciates you too. If she didn't she would not be with you, since she has the economic means. I say, don't be scared to believe her when she says you are enough.

 

[Tom]

I fell into similar situation many years ago due to back injury. But as long as you do what you can do and really try to support your wife you are not in some unusual dysfunctional situation. One working outside the home and one working maintaining the home is a very longstanding and successful model still used by much of the world today.

 

[Rodafina]

@Kavigant
"Society says that I should be a leader, but I failed so badly so many times when I tried to be a leader."


It sounds like you haven’t failed your wife, and she is likely the one who knows you best. What society “says” is really something that we imagine. I think the much more important thing is what we say about ourselves and what our loved ones say about us. But even with loved ones, before their say really matters, they have to know us all the way which can be so difficult.

So your wife, she knows you, understands you, and in her eyes you are no failure. I hope that soon you can begin to see yourself the way that your wife sees you. And as far as energy goes, maybe it would be good to save it for yourself and your nuclear family and forget what it feels like the rest of them say or think. We never really know what others are thinking until they actually share their thoughts, and many of us are very quick to fill in those blanks with negative thoughts about ourselves.

 

[Aspychata]

If you are stepping up and taking care of the home front and relieving your spouse of stress, then you are important. I took care of the details my breadwinner spouse didn't want to do. Hell, l even found him a excellent paying job. I handled a lot of his paperwork for his profession. He appreciated this, and l actually have more value to him. So maybe find your strengths, appreciate your wife, and move ahead. You may find remote work.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Do not waste thought on what you cannot do, but rather focus your energy into what you can do.

Story: Many years ago, I was encouraged to join a local powerlifting club. Competitions of maximal strength were several times a year, all over the country. At any rate, the first competition I signed up for was a real eye-opener. I saw a 75-year-old with hip and knee replacements and so much arthritis he could barely grip a bar, and he was deadlifting some huge weights. I saw a young mother with her infant, breastfeeding in between her lift attempts, and she was an amazing lifter. I saw a guy roll up in a wheelchair, paraplegic, hop onto the bench and push 500+lbs off his chest. I saw another guy, with a prosthetic leg do deadlifts. Come to find out that there is no division in powerlifting for "handicapped", it's gender, age, and weight. The mantra, don't focus upon what you cannot do, focus on what you can do.

Of course, during training with heavy weights, injuries are a part of the experience. It's not a matter of IF you're going to get injured, but WHEN. I've had more injuries than I can count. Tear a bicep in the gym, wrap it up with ice and do legs. Tear a hamstring, do arms, chest, or back. Again, it's a mindset that you accept what you cannot do, and just move on and do something else, but doing nothing is NOT acceptable.

So it is with autism. You know what you can and cannot do. Don't waste mental energies on destructive thoughts of envy, guilt, feeling sorry for oneself. It literally serves no purpose other than to drag everyone else around you down. Just be the best you, you can be. Be useful in whatever way you can.

 

[AndyFBlues]

Society says that I should be a leader, but I failed so badly so many times when I tried to be a leader.

Trying to be what society wants us to be is like chasing the wind. Almost no one can live up to an impossible ideal. It's better to find our unique role and strive to do it as best that we can.

Not everyone is destined to be a leader. For someone to be a leader, then others have to be followers.

I heard a story long ago about a guy who had to retire early for health reasons while his wife continued to work. He loved reading and researching things. He used his extra time wisely and made a fortune on the stock market. Then he and his wife were both able to retire early. That's a story of turning lemons into lemonade.

 

[Suzanne]

What a lovely wife you have there!

Our minds are sure cruel to us, because, despite being a female and thus, that sense of shame of not being a leader, does not exist, I also feel weak and basically pathetic.

I have also got very bad agoraphobia, which makes it quite impossible to do things out side my home on my own and even walking into a shop, I need my husband next to me.

However, very recently, a newly acquired friend said that she finds me extremely brave and very strong. Did I blink in shock? You bet I did lol

Taking your mother in law to appointments should not be taken lightly. And I am sure she truly appreciates your efforts.

Why not try and compose a list of the positive things those around you say of you? When you feel negative thoughts creeping into your mind, look at the list.

Yes, it is true that men are the "man of the household", but that does not have to be boxed.

Many wives go out to work and the husband stays home to take care of the house and children.

 

[Slime_Punk]

If you're of service to your wife and kids in return, you're absolutely not weak, regardless of what some people might have you believe. Honestly, these are just other forms of 'work' that don't strictly apply to the 9-5 lifestyle, of which there are many, regardless of who wants to admit it or not.

If society had more wiggle room, I think more people would be 'working', or 'able to work' than otherwise, but like a lot of things in life, it's a bit more ableist, sexist or a one-size-fits-all definition by most standards.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

Your feelings are very understandable Fraxinus. It is hard to have a view of ourselves imposed by others, when they do not know the whole story.

I think it is impossible for us to lead in a society of very different people. It is made by and for them, mostly. So your lack of leadership is no failure, but theirs. Most do not make space for you. And if we reverse things, could we imagine one NT leading a group of Autistic people? I think that would be equally unlikely.

 

[Kavigant]

So many helpful people on this forum. Thank you all. I don't always feel so weak; this past month has just been particularly challenging and frightening.
I appreciate so much all of your kind words.

 

[Nervous Rex]

I go through the same feelings, but on a smaller scale. I don't like feeling like I need to be "accommodated" or "coddled" because I'm autistic.

So when my wife sees that I'm near overload or close to a breakdown, she'll start asking if I'm okay or if I need to leave (usually some social situation) or if I'm okay to drive. And I hate it but she's right. I just hate that feeling that in that moment, I'm not as capable as everyone else.

 

[Seladon]

OP you seem like you're doing fine. No question that you're doing more for your MIL and your wife than my father, who I'm sure has ASD1 or 2 and is kind of a prick as well as a deadbeat.

This being said, many men have blind spots about competence around running a life or family/household, thinking they contribute or pull more weight that they do. So do make sure you monitor your wife's condition, observe her energy & happiness levels regardless of what she says about it, and pick up slack or make her life less stressful unasked. And don't pile more onto her unless you have no-one else to ask and no way to do it yourself. She sounds happy enough with you, but women--especially certain 'carer' types of straight women--are heavily conditioned & socialised to please, take on too much or pretend everything's fine when it's not. I see my mother and my sister do this a lot with their partners, and it's sad to witness.