Why does nobody click with me

[Aaa111]

We're talking about two things. Connected, but still two things.

The exercise was intended to get you to think about the effect your statements have on the audience.
The two I quoted are mildly "vibe-killing", but for slightly different reasons. You should do the exercise.

The one Tom mentioned is similar, but directed at everyone reading and replying to this thread.

Even if you have good reasons that incline you to use this style of communication, it's still your choice what you say.
The way to understand the possible effects of different topics and different styles of communication is to think about what your audience hears and how they're likely to react to what you say (or intend to say).

Note that I'm not promising this will actually solve any specific issues. But many Aspies need to improve in this general area, and it's not difficult to do so.
(being as good an the average NT takes time, but you can keep using the same techniques to improve continuously - sooner or later you'll "catch up"

Last point - I found some web sites that might be relevant later, but I think it's a bit too soon for that yet.

I also don't understand how asking why studying is not a skill that can be useful "vibe-killing". It was for clarification

 

[Hypnalis]

You don't have to do the exercise of course. But don't bounce it back to me.

 

[Aaa111]

You don't have to do the exercise of course. But don't bounce it back to me.

I'm not trying to bounce it back, I really don't understand how neither the studying statement nor this message:

I also don't understand how asking why studying is not a skill that can be useful "vibe-killing". It was for clarification

Was vibe-killing.

 

[Hypnalis]

An exercise for you: think about the context of this thread, and the likely effect those two statements have on people looking for ways to be helpful. Write a line or two about each statement from that perspective.

Do it or don't do it - either way it's a valid adult decision.

Doing something else is a waste of time. Just for clarity, I'm out if you don't do as I asked.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

The issue is not even that I don't click with anyone. I try to make friends everywhere, talk to everyone, but everyone just tells me we do not click or that they do not vibe with me. And by everyone I mean literally EVERYONE. I had the same thing in elementary school, middle school, high school and even now in college. I talked to thousands of different people in my life and EVERYBODY either said we do not click or did not give any effort back (as in, did not start conversations with me, did not consider me their friend). What this resulted in is having basically zero friends all my life.
It truly sucks because I wish I could have fun in life with friends. It is so unfair that others have their amazing friend groups they can travel or party with meanwhile for me it is like I am destined to be alone forever. I did have small hope that it might be bc of my social skills but I found a super discouraging thread on another forums where people said "I have bad social skills but still lots of friends because I am easy to vibe with" or "you can have nice conversations but there will never be a friendship if you don't vibe" and it hurt me on the inside because it basically confirms my thoughts about me being destined to be with nobody.

Coming into the conversation a bit late here, but just some thoughts:
1. One of the "joys" (sarcasm) of being autistic is that neurotypicals will sense "something different" or "off" about us. Whether it be our neurodivergent thought patterns, the sometimes altered tone of voice, how we react or not react, our emotional control (too much or too little), our general lack of skills at conversing, our lack of openness to meeting new people, our difficulties with small talk, our degree of introversion, and so on. It's often some combination of things that other people will pick up on, and because they aren't thinking "autism" or know what autism is for that matter, but their amygdala's (fear centers) will activate and they will become rather distant.
2. Even if they know that you have autism or know what it is, many of us do not produce sufficient levels of oxytocin and vasopressin ("love hormones") from the posterior pituitary that might otherwise make us extroverts and/or engage in the type of social reciprocity that is required for a true friendship or long-term relationship. If you aren't thinking about this other person, frequently engaging with them with conversation, spending time with them, missing them when they are not present, etc. then the relationship becomes, at best, a friendly acquaintance. In other words, the types of behaviors required for a true friendship is a 2-way street, balanced, and if one or the other is lacking, the friendship falls apart. It's not to say that autistics cannot have "ride or die" friends, lovers, or spouses, but what it does mean is that there has to be more of a conscious effort. What may be simply instinctual and natural to others, simply isn't for many of us.
3. Autism is one of the "low dopamine" neurological conditions. There are at least 3 different gene mutations found within the autism population that affect dopamine turnover. Others may also be low in serotonin. What that means is that some of us may be clinically diagnosed with depression and others will be mildly depressed with a rather "flat affect", and others may be rather emotionally fragile and all it takes is a negative experience or even a few days of dark gray cloudy days to put us into a depressed mood. Here's the consequence though. Most people do not want to associate with someone who is depressed. Sure, someone may walk up and ask "Are you OK?" but then when you either pull inward and become quiet or go on some rant of all your problems and negativity, the other person will often politely pull themselves away. They don't want to be around that. They'd rather be around happy, positive people.

There are other reasons for not "vibing" with someone else, but personally, it takes other people and myself, sometimes months or even years to become comfortable enough to "vibe" with me.

Tips:
1. Call it masking, lying, or coping but people respond well to "outward" thinkers. People who think of others, who will help, who will serve, who exhibit social reciprocity, etc.
2. Call it masking, lying, or coping but people respond well to positivity. There's a natural inclination for negativity whenever something doesn't go the way as anticipated or planned, when problems arise, etc. Pause. Squash down your knee-jerk tendency to go off on some rant. Think positive. Is this an opportunity to fix something so it doesn't happen again? Is there something you can do to help?
3. Since many of us have difficulties with assessing all the non-verbal language that may give us clues as to another person's intent. Do have the intellectual curiosity to pause and ask clarifying questions. Most misunderstandings and conflicts are due to miscommunication issues.

 

[vergil96]

I'm not trying to bounce it back, I really don't understand how neither the studying statement nor this message:

Was vibe-killing.

I also don't understand. Just saying, it's not clear to me at all either, perhaps it needs further clarification to be easy to understand by others. If you help others with studying, how does that not benefit them? No clue. It doesn't result from anywhere in the message.

 

[Hypnalis]

I could do this, but that just creates another annoying discussion.

If someone offers to teach you something you don't know, and you're functionally at zero (no meta-data on the learning process), and the teacher doesn't know anything about you, the first round is done 100% on the teacher's terms.

This is something like the Dunning-Kruger effect in reverse.
Normal version: You don't know how much you know or how much you don't know. It follows you can't do an accurate self-assessment.
Teacher version: When a potential teacher knows a lot, and the potential pupil knows little to nothing, the student can't usefully control the learning process because it's something they can't self-calibrate for.

Later, as the teacher and the student start to understand each other, there's room for negotiation, including tuning the teaching process to the student's nature.

But right now, in this specific case, or a similar one: I don't justify or change the teaching process unless/until the person has displayed some relevant domain knowledge. If not, they don't know enough to understand the teaching/learning process even if it's explained.

3. Well I am good at studying so I guess?

How does studying not benefit others? Considering we are in college and people often study together

The first one says nothing about helping. The second doesn't either, but didn't exclude it. But: that particular formulation is most commonly used to steer a "lie by omission" past a question.

Cryptid's post #7 is right on point.

 

[Aaa111]

I'm sorry, it often happens by accident for me. It's sometimes hard for me to know which details are important to mention and which are not.

Good to learn about "lying by omission" though. I did not know this (intentional) action actually has an official name

 

[Hypnalis]

Lying by omission is very common. It's in wikipedia (in the long list under Lie).
That particular technique is just for the special case where you're asked a specific question. I don't know if it has a specific name, but it can be categorized as "weasel words" which has its own page.

FWIW, your not knowing which things matter and which don't is consistent with my original working theory.

 

[thejuice]

The issue is not even that I don't click with anyone. I try to make friends everywhere, talk to everyone, but everyone just tells me we do not click or that they do not vibe with me. And by everyone I mean literally EVERYONE. I had the same thing in elementary school, middle school, high school and even now in college. I talked to thousands of different people in my life and EVERYBODY either said we do not click or did not give any effort back (as in, did not start conversations with me, did not consider me their friend). What this resulted in is having basically zero friends all my life.
It truly sucks because I wish I could have fun in life with friends. It is so unfair that others have their amazing friend groups they can travel or party with meanwhile for me it is like I am destined to be alone forever. I did have small hope that it might be bc of my social skills but I found a super discouraging thread on another forums where people said "I have bad social skills but still lots of friends because I am easy to vibe with" or "you can have nice conversations but there will never be a friendship if you don't vibe" and it hurt me on the inside because it basically confirms my thoughts about me being destined to be with nobody.

I wouldnt want to be friends with anyone who uses the term vibing!

 

[thejuice]

It’s as painful hanging around with people with whom you don’t share a ‘click’ or connection, as it is not having anyone around at all. That ‘lonely in a crowd/group’ feeling is awful.

Looking back, that was my experience of school—despite being at the bottom of the social hierarchy, still I always had a gaggle of fellow misfit ‘friends’ around, but honestly I only ever felt connected to one or two of them, while the rest of us were just using each other a mutual bully-repelling human shields. Safety in numbers, I suppose. Very sad to reflect on that, and probably part of why I didn’t bother to make any friends in Uni or at my last jobs.

One can’t help but feel apathetic about friendship or ‘the click’ when stepping out of the Matrix to realise how few of these connections out in the world are meaningful, honest and reciprocal bonds of affinity, not just mutual using. Some people I know in my community openly admit to not really liking the people they ‘befriend’ or hang out with. No wonder everyone has trust issues?

i was completely blind to the social heirarchy at school, until i realised in a group picture of a school trip, me and the people i identified with to some extent where at the back corner and the popular ones and jocks were front and centre. I was staring into space. Then it was undeniably obvious.

 

[thejuice]

I have to agree with @VictorR , schools are so random. I never made friends in school. And l ran around a lot on anxiety, like my entire life was anxiety mixed with boredom. College, and the Uni was great because there wasn't social pressure.
Just because you didn't make friends doesn't make you unworthy, it just didn't happen. With friendship, you can't come on strong. That's really important. Please don't give up. Maybe develop some interests outside of studies, and you will meet people. Today's culture is very much glued to their phones, so l believe that sours people to feel motivated to make friends. Maybe don't take it so personally? Just a suggestion.

how do you not come on strong when i want to be friends with someone i want to be friends i cant do half n half

 

[thejuice]

It’s as painful hanging around with people with whom you don’t share a ‘click’ or connection, as it is not having anyone around at all. That ‘lonely in a crowd/group’ feeling is awful.

Looking back, that was my experience of school—despite being at the bottom of the social hierarchy, still I always had a gaggle of fellow misfit ‘friends’ around, but honestly I only ever felt connected to one or two of them, while the rest of us were just using each other a mutual bully-repelling human shields. Safety in numbers, I suppose. Very sad to reflect on that, and probably part of why I didn’t bother to make any friends in Uni or at my last jobs.

One can’t help but feel apathetic about friendship or ‘the click’ when stepping out of the Matrix to realise how few of these connections out in the world are meaningful, honest and reciprocal bonds of affinity, not just mutual using. Some people I know in my community openly admit to not really liking the people they ‘befriend’ or hang out with. No wonder everyone has trust issues?

You could have dressed as zebras to further confuse the bullies

"When all the zebras keep together as a big group, the pattern of each zebra's stripes blends in with the stripes of the zebras around it. This is confusing to the lion, who sees a large, moving, striped mass instead of many individual zebras. The lion has trouble picking out any one zebra, and so it doesn't have a very good plan of attack. It's hard for the lion to even recognize which way each zebra is moving: Imagine the difference in pursuing one animal and charging into an amorphous blob of animals moving every which way. The lion's inability to distinguish zebras also makes it more difficult for it to target and track weaker zebras in the herd."

How do a zebra's stripes act as camouflage?

I've heard that the black and white stripes on a zebra provide camouflage. How can this be if they're not in a black-and-white environment?

animals.howstuffworks.com

 

[Seladon]

Coming into the conversation a bit late here, but just some thoughts:
1. One of the "joys" (sarcasm) of being autistic is that neurotypicals will sense "something different" or "off" about us. Whether it be our neurodivergent thought patterns, the sometimes altered tone of voice, how we react or not react, our emotional control (too much or too little), our general lack of skills at conversing, our lack of openness to meeting new people, our difficulties with small talk, our degree of introversion, and so on. It's often some combination of things that other people will pick up on, and because they aren't thinking "autism" or know what autism is for that matter, but their amygdala's (fear centers) will activate and they will become rather distant.
2. Even if they know that you have autism or know what it is, many of us do not produce sufficient levels of oxytocin and vasopressin ("love hormones") from the posterior pituitary that might otherwise make us extroverts and/or engage in the type of social reciprocity that is required for a true friendship or long-term relationship. If you aren't thinking about this other person, frequently engaging with them with conversation, spending time with them, missing them when they are not present, etc. then the relationship becomes, at best, a friendly acquaintance. In other words, the types of behaviors required for a true friendship is a 2-way street, balanced, and if one or the other is lacking, the friendship falls apart. It's not to say that autistics cannot have "ride or die" friends, lovers, or spouses, but what it does mean is that there has to be more of a conscious effort. What may be simply instinctual and natural to others, simply isn't for many of us.
3. Autism is one of the "low dopamine" neurological conditions. There are at least 3 different gene mutations found within the autism population that affect dopamine turnover. Others may also be low in serotonin. What that means is that some of us may be clinically diagnosed with depression and others will be mildly depressed with a rather "flat affect", and others may be rather emotionally fragile and all it takes is a negative experience or even a few days of dark gray cloudy days to put us into a depressed mood. Here's the consequence though. Most people do not want to associate with someone who is depressed. Sure, someone may walk up and ask "Are you OK?" but then when you either pull inward and become quiet or go on some rant of all your problems and negativity, the other person will often politely pull themselves away. They don't want to be around that. They'd rather be around happy, positive people.

There are other reasons for not "vibing" with someone else, but personally, it takes other people and myself, sometimes months or even years to become comfortable enough to "vibe" with me.

Tips:
1. Call it masking, lying, or coping but people respond well to "outward" thinkers. People who think of others, who will help, who will serve, who exhibit social reciprocity, etc.
2. Call it masking, lying, or coping but people respond well to positivity. There's a natural inclination for negativity whenever something doesn't go the way as anticipated or planned, when problems arise, etc. Pause. Squash down your knee-jerk tendency to go off on some rant. Think positive. Is this an opportunity to fix something so it doesn't happen again? Is there something you can do to help?
3. Since many of us have difficulties with assessing all the non-verbal language that may give us clues as to another person's intent. Do have the intellectual curiosity to pause and ask clarifying questions. Most misunderstandings and conflicts are due to miscommunication issues.

@Neonatal RRT diolch, this post is gold, so fascinating and informative. Had no idea about any of that! They don’t sit you down with the science in the ASD assessment room to explain all this, and they really ought to (especially with patients/clients who exhibit or espouse clear signs of depression)

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Don't get me started on college which I will forever call a plague of a place for autistic and even socially outcast people. I still have emotional and physical scars 28 years later that affected every part of my physical body that damaged it if you can see it if you look at it. You can also see how mentally it messed me up just talking to me in person with over apologizing, trauma dumping and nervously. I am slowly getting better due to my local church and yoga. But with the ostracized I got from those college girls in 1995-1997 then even after attending some night school classes back in 1999 and 2003 in actually computers with the same outcome which I obviously dropped out too scarred me for life.