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The knee-jerk reaction (things you didn't mean) thread

A

Ana54

Well-Known Member
He and my lack of motivation both are ruining my life. I have probably lost both a son and a husband due to this problem I was born with that only got worse the more I was forced to sit down and shut up. I have nobody but Beth to talk to right now. It's good we started talking, I had wanted to talk to her for a while. My parents are probably upset at me for yelling on the phone, and Stan hates my guts for yeling at him on the phone when he kept misinterpreting me and taking things too literal. I am all alone. I don't even remember most of the people I used to talk to. My memory for that kind of thing used to be good. I need someone to talk to, and Stan is disgusted that I can't even drag myself to a psychiatrist's or psychologist's office to get help so that I won't offend him any more. I know I have an attention/concentration/motivation/stimulation/depression problem but I can't get help for it due to its very nature. Listening to stimulating music helps tho, and talking to people on here.



I am so tired of being a loser. I think it's actually the stress of knowing what people expect of me that's causing me to freezer and choke. I'll have an apartment soon and I have income and as long as I can pay the rent and feed myself I can take my time with the other things. I keep forgetting that I can insist that it's an emergency and that I need an appointment RIGHT AWAY but yet I fear that if they think I'm that desperate they'll put me in the mental hospital as an inpatient, just to get rid of me.


I know he doesn't talk like this, but I can still picture Stan shaking his head and going "Oh Ana, you're such an idiot. Been getting psych help for 2.5 years and still a big mess."
 
I can picture an institution to be a step forward for you tbh. I have talked to people both online and in person that submitting yourself to an institution can be very beneficial. Also, if you are not found to be a threat you yourself and others, you are free to walk out at any time.
 
I know... I don't have the guts to do it sometimes. Actually, my bf keeps telling me that if I need a break or am hysterical because my mother is being **** to me, I should go, especially since it's better than being on the street. He also understands tho that there are nice shelters here for women and you don't have to be battered to get in. Even tho I take meds I really need to up my antipsychotic to be honest. Maybe the antidepressant too. but I'm on a good antidepressant and a good antipsychotic. They also act as stimulants and help motivate me. I'm over the laziness right now. I'm relieved it didn't last. My bf was mad at me for not getting further psychiatric help and I didn't because I didn't realize I was that far gone and now I'm sorry. :( He suspected, and rightly so, that I didn't know what a mess I was. And here I am trying to tell him that I'm intelligent.


That's another thing... maybe it's me being psychotic, but I sometimes feel the need to tell him I'm not stupid because in my mind I believe that he thinks I'm stupid.
 
Whether or not you're intelligent has no bearing towards if you need to be taken care of or need counseling. In fact, the more intelligent you are, the more difficult it is to help you due to the fact that it's harder to perceive things as others do. However, it is possible you're in denial about whether or not seeking help is beneficial. If you have given up on life and become detrimental to your physical or mental well-being, that is usually a good sign that you might want to at least arrange an appointment and see what they think. If it's voluntary, they can't keep you there unless you pose a harm to yourself or others.
 
I'm going to get counseling. This month, I think. My prescription for my meds has refills for until June, but there's a stupid red-tape problem going on between the govvie, the pharmacy and the doctor. The gov has to authorize it because it's a special expensive medication. The gov will authorize it if the doctor explains my problem right. Then they have to send me a letter to give to the pharmacy. It's basically a permission slip for me to get that medication (Abilify). But due to red tape it takes like a month or two. But I have residual Rx to last a little longer but I might need some sort of intervention if I keep having mood swings or they get worse; see? I'm admitting it. I feel like sobbing because I keep imagining my boyfriend and our son dead for some reason, murdered by awful people. Then I feel like laughing out loud and my expression and sound sounds so much like Britney Spears when she was manic and burst out laughing after a low low depressive episode.
 
Ana54, welcome back. I can't pretend to have any idea of what you are going through, but I have seen someone I cared deeply about going through similar issues and it was really heartbreaking. Most of the time I didn't know what to do or say to even try make it better. I hope that you get some good counselling. I hope that you get the meds that you need without any more dramas.
 
I should STOP POSTING! I said I'd keep away. I should keep promises I made for once in my life.
 
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