Ooops, I did it again...

[pamelaperejil]

I hurt someone, perhaps irrevocably. Didn't validate them when they needed validation. Didn't read the subtext. Didn't offer support and encouragement when they needed it.

Again.

I just said what I thought.

Are Aspies better at understanding other Aspies? Or are we just doomed to keep getting it wrong?

I tried to balance support and sympathy with sincerity and the possibility of change. They just wanted (needed?) to be coddled. They were hurting. They needed support. But how much support can I give when it comes at the expense of truth?

I wanted honesty and no barriers between us. They wanted to be accepted for who they are? Who is right and who is wrong?

Am I a bad person? Are they?

 

[Judge]

Are Aspies better at understanding other Aspies? Or are we just doomed to keep getting it wrong?

Good question. I'd say a little of both comes with that equation.

 

[Nervous Rex]

Are Aspies better at understanding other Aspies? Or are we just doomed to keep getting it wrong?

This isn't just an Aspie thing. NTs misunderstand each other all the time. Every movie with a romantic storyline depends on it. Understanding someone takes deliberate, careful, conscious effort. Don't be too hard on yourself for getting it wrong. Also, don't be afraid to ask someone directly if you understand them. They will usually appreciate your efforts to try to understand them.

Am I a bad person? Are they?

Nope. People are people. Everyone has an entire, unique universe inside their head and heart. Everyone's universe is different, and it takes work to understand each other.

Good for you for trying. Keep at it.

 

[Streetwise]

I hurt someone, perhaps irrevocably. Didn't validate them when they needed validation. Didn't read the subtext. Didn't offer support and encouragement when they needed it.

Again.

I just said what I thought.

Are Aspies better at understanding other Aspies? Or are we just doomed to keep getting it wrong?

I tried to balance support and sympathy with sincerity and the possibility of change. They just wanted (needed?) to be coddled. They were hurting. They needed support. But how much support can I give when it comes at the expense of truth?

I wanted honesty and no barriers between us. They wanted to be accepted for who they are? Who is right and who is wrong?

Am I a bad person? Are they?

I try but it's still very hard to understand if it would hurt me if I said it ,I seem to be like a very very young child Who has no concept of whether a word would hurt.
Saying that, when I talk to people ,I talk about a very narrow range of subjects ,so it doesn't happen very often if at all .

 

[OlLiE]

life, relationships, that are all processes, things happen you learn, you improve

there is nothing wrong with making mistakes,
what's stupid is not learning from them
there us nothing wrong with having shortcomings
what's stupid is expecting everyone else to adapt to them

if this person means a lot to you, apologise, explain, determine what needs to change, change it

relationships are not self-sustaining, they require continuous effort, relationships end when one of the two people no longer want to invest in keeping to afloat

 

[pamelaperejil]

That's precisely the problem. It wouldn't have hurt me to have heard it. It would have hurt me profoundly and probably ended the relationship to have found out the other person was thinking it and had NOT said it. That lack of sincerity. Holding things back. Presenting an act instead of one's true self.

To me, this game of assigning thoughts, feelings, and desires to to other people seems profoundly insulting. To make those kinds of assumptions about another person. To presume to speak, or think, for them rather than allowing them to do it themselves. Furthermore, other people seem as bad at guessing what's going on in my head as I am in guessing theirs.

I apologized. it's not going to matter. He hasn't read any of the messages I sent him.

What's bothering me is NOT knowing that I made a mistake but wondering if it really was one. Wondering if I should do it again. There was a really good reason I said the things that I said. There was some real value in saying them, I was trying to help, and I tried to balance sympathy and support with the harsher message. It's what I would have wanted someone to do for me.

I just don't know.

 

[I love roses]

I hurt someone, perhaps irrevocably. Didn't validate them when they needed validation. Didn't read the subtext. Didn't offer support and encouragement when they needed it.

Again.

I just said what I thought.

Are Aspies better at understanding other Aspies? Or are we just doomed to keep getting it wrong?

I tried to balance support and sympathy with sincerity and the possibility of change. They just wanted (needed?) to be coddled. They were hurting. They needed support. But how much support can I give when it comes at the expense of truth?

I wanted honesty and no barriers between us. They wanted to be accepted for who they are? Who is right and who is wrong?

Am I a bad person? Are they?

People do not like advice, period! Unless they ask for advice. I’m learning this the hard way after destroyed relationships. They take it as criticism and rejection or judgement. They usually just want someone to listen. But giving my opinion is a compulsion. Listening does not cost a truth if you are not saying anything. Support is not agreeing. It is saying things like, “I hear what you are saying. That must be painful. Can I Help somehow?” That kind of thing. But I fail sometimes at this. We all do.
I’m wondering if being opinionated or know it all is Aspie cause i am.

 

[pamelaperejil]

Thanks. I would have been happy to do that, just listen and offer support, except that we were friends. I've offered sympathy and support on this issue a number of times before. Ultimately, I would have considered it a betrayal NOT to say what I did. He considered it a betrayal to say it.

 

[I love roses]

Sounds like they just want sympathy. I used to do that and someone told me I was “dumping on them.” So i try not to dump my problems on people for every little thing. It was hard to overcome. I still tell more than I should but not as bad.