I don't understand attachment

[JJ19]

Hey all

I don't if know if this Aspergers or low self-esteem/past traumas/uprbringing/enviornment. I have a desire for female approval that's way too much and creating problems. I develop unhealthy attachments to people, sometimes really incompatible people. I constantly check out women and have way too many sexual thoughts about them. I often have women I fixate on and like to look at regurarly in class, at work, on bus etc. And I know it's pathetic and disrespectful. Staring goes back to my kid days. I understand hypersexuality in the Aspergers' population a little.

1) How do I stop having so many sexual thoughts and checking out women.

2) Why am I craving their attention and needing some kind of validation? Even when in relationships I get this problem. At school I was isolated and lonely maybe it contributes.

I know these are bad, how do I stop?

 

[Misty Avich]

I think these feelings are quite normal.

 

[Levitator]

Hey all

I don't if know if this Aspergers or low self-esteem/past traumas/uprbringing/enviornment. I have a desire for female approval that's way too much and creating problems. I develop unhealthy attachments to people, sometimes really incompatible people. I constantly check out women and have way too many sexual thoughts about them. I often have women I fixate on and like to look at regurarly in class, at work, on bus etc. And I know it's pathetic and disrespectful. Staring goes back to my kid days. I understand hypersexuality in the Aspergers' population a little.

1) How do I stop having so many sexual thoughts and checking out women.

2) Why am I craving their attention and needing some kind of validation? Even when in relationships I get this problem. At school I was isolated and lonely maybe it contributes.

I know these are bad, how do I stop?

I had unhealthy attachments as a kid because I didn't have the courage to just walk up and try to connect as friends first. The sad thing, is that most of the time, when you try to make friends with someone, you really are totally incompatible, and they're going to do you a painful favor by showing you that's the case, and the bright side is that it makes it easy to move on, because they can't stand you, and they will cure you of those fanciful feelings in a hurry.

In the event you totally hit the lottery, then you can hope to make a friend, and worry about sex later.

 

[Xinyta]

Hey all

I don't if know if this Aspergers or low self-esteem/past traumas/uprbringing/enviornment. I have a desire for female approval that's way too much and creating problems. I develop unhealthy attachments to people, sometimes really incompatible people. I constantly check out women and have way too many sexual thoughts about them. I often have women I fixate on and like to look at regurarly in class, at work, on bus etc. And I know it's pathetic and disrespectful. Staring goes back to my kid days. I understand hypersexuality in the Aspergers' population a little.

1) How do I stop having so many sexual thoughts and checking out women.

2) Why am I craving their attention and needing some kind of validation? Even when in relationships I get this problem. At school I was isolated and lonely maybe it contributes.

I know these are bad, how do I stop?

Firstly. Nothing you are feeling here is abnormal. It's hormones. It's having interest in having a significant other.

Secondly. Trying to convince yourself to stop being interested in women, is like saying that you are trying to convince your body to change it's functionality to breath some other gas other than oxygen. You can't change/shut off something that is a natural function.

 

[JJ19]

Firstly. Nothing you are feeling here is abnormal. It's hormones. It's having interest in having a significant other.

Secondly. Trying to convince yourself to stop being interested in women, is like saying that you are trying to convince your body to change it's functionality to breath some other gas other than oxygen. You can't change/shut off something that is a natural function.

Thanks for your response. I am regretting it a little, don't think I explained it that well. It's not just a case of having a sexual interest in women, mor an excessive one. I'm a straight man and you mentioned hormones, of course some level of attraction is normal. I made another post that maybe explained the issue better, apparently I can't delete posts but I made a new one. The bigger issue is that I am looking for some weird validation from women. And that shouldn't be the way.

Leading women on

Hey I’ve fallen into a bad habit of flirting with multiple women online, sometimes at the same time. It’s sad but it's like I seek women out for that reason on sites. An attachment grows, mostly built on needing somebody to talk to, they get too attached and then I realise the mistake and have...

www.autismforums.com

Maybe that explains it more.

 

[Levitator]

Thanks for your response. I am regretting it a little, don't think I explained it that well. It's not just a case of having a sexual interest in women, mor an excessive one. I'm a straight man and you mentioned hormones, of course some level of attraction is normal. I made another post that maybe explained the issue better, apparently I can't delete posts but I made a new one. The bigger issue is that I am looking for some weird validation from women. And that shouldn't be the way.

Leading women on

Hey I’ve fallen into a bad habit of flirting with multiple women online, sometimes at the same time. It’s sad but it's like I seek women out for that reason on sites. An attachment grows, mostly built on needing somebody to talk to, they get too attached and then I realise the mistake and have...

www.autismforums.com

Maybe that explains it more.

I have no idea how that would even work. It's roughly a miracle for anyone to show any interest in me, and I'm not going to take it frivolously. I watch people treat affection like it's inconveniencing them sometimes, and I wonder what it's like to be so rich you can throw gold in the trash.

 

[Misty Avich]

A lot of people like to be admired sexually by the opposite sex (or the same sex if they're gay) for something like an ego boost. When I was at school I was more or less undesirable for boys because of how unpopular, dorky, shy and awkward I was, and apparently that is a huge turn-off for teenagers. So when I left school I felt rather attention-starved and craved attention from men, so I began making myself known to different men I knew of by flirting and likely making a nuisance of myself. But these men seemed to felt flattered having a young girl flirting with them, so they gave me their attention back. This then became an obsession of mine, and it's all I could think and talk about, was men, men, men.
It wasn't until I met my husband when I was 24 (some 10 years ago) that I started to become less attention-starved, although I still crave a bit of attention from other men, not to be disloyal to my husband or anything, as I'm not like that, but it still helps me feel flattered, as my self-esteem is very low and I do have a poor self-image.

The weird thing with me is, for example, let's say I was in a group of women, and there was a man who was quite pervy and kept chatting us up and touching us - all except me, even though the other women are married too. The other women would say ''you should count yourself lucky he wasn't trying it on you'', but I don't think that way. I'd actually get rather jealous because he wasn't doing it to me but was to the others in the group. I'd ask myself ''why wasn't he doing it to me? Am I ugly? Am I invisible?'' I think it is a form of RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria). Like when the creep on the other autism site had been grooming ''loads of female members'' apparently (even ones that said were married or in a relationship), but never me, even though I shared a lot about my life too. He was genuine with me. I started asking myself ''was I the only woman on the whole site who he didn't groom? Not that I wanted him to, but even so, I'd like to know why.'' I expressed this in a thread there, which offended others because I was ''making it about me''. But I just wanted to know why them and not me. Yes, I know I'm stupid.

 

[Au Naturel]

Hey all

I don't if know if this Aspergers or low self-esteem/past traumas/uprbringing/enviornment. I have a desire for female approval that's way too much and creating problems. I develop unhealthy attachments to people, sometimes really incompatible people. I constantly check out women and have way too many sexual thoughts about them. I often have women I fixate on and like to look at regurarly in class, at work, on bus etc. And I know it's pathetic and disrespectful. Staring goes back to my kid days. I understand hypersexuality in the Aspergers' population a little.

1) How do I stop having so many sexual thoughts and checking out women.

2) Why am I craving their attention and needing some kind of validation? Even when in relationships I get this problem. At school I was isolated and lonely maybe it contributes.

I know these are bad, how do I stop?

You don't. You shape how you handle it. The thoughts don't do anything. (I suppose you could try distraction to change your train of thought, if you must.) It is behavior that you must control.

I don't know how old you are, but that is normal behavior for reproductive-age males, ND or NT. Some of us are at different places on the Bell curve as far as sex drive goes. Natural variation. Nothing that I didn't feel in spades when I was younger. I knew those girls would never be interested in me. That's what made it painful and obsessive. Very frustrating. I masturbated—a lot.

If I had been successful with women, I would not have become "obsessed" with chasing that which I couldn't have. Eventually, I did become "successful" (by my standards, not society's) with women, and that powerful sex drive became an asset. I still had a strong sex drive, but I wasn't obsessed with it.

There's nothing wrong with a powerful sex drive. Only behavior is wrong. And girl-watching is an art that needs to be refined if you don't want to come off as creepy.

Before we got married, I told my fiance that if I ever stopped looking at pretty women, it was either time to get me into therapy or time to get me to the undertaker. She understands.

 

[Au Naturel]

although I still crave a bit of attention from other men,

I have been married for 37 years, and I don't think I have ever stopped firting. I don't go beyond that. It is always clear to all parties concerned that I'm not really in the market.

It is so damned fun! It is good for the ego to know one is still desirable.

 

[Misty Avich]

I don't like to flirt with other men while married (not judging anyone who does). I work with more men than women and I know that if I were single I would flirt with them.