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Anyone here asexual?

M

Misty Avich

I'm just angry
V.I.P Member
My 33-year-old cousin is asexual, and admittedly I didn't understand what asexual was, I thought it was a word for not wanting a relationship. But after talking to my cousin about it, I've learnt that he wants babies and he doesn't want to be asexual, but hasn't got a choice.
I think that's really interesting. I understand that sexuality isn't a choice, but I also know that sexuality (such as homosexuality) isn't anything to be ashamed of or something one would want to change, but some people who are asexual can feel ashamed or sad or want help, and I'd understand that.
So I feel sorry for my cousin. He's still young, and it's like he wants to be a part of the dating world but because he's asexual it won't happen. He says he feels no sexual or romantic feelings for anybody, men or women. He must feel quite lonely, if he's asexual but doesn't want to be.

I thought I'd try and educate myself about it a little more. What's it like for you (if you're asexual)?
 
I suppose in virtually all ways I have no interest in sex. I feel zero lust. That is the asexual part of me.

In terms of wanting to be with a woman.... I wouldn't mind a companion. Someone who shares my ideas, interests and so on.

The greatest barrier faced is finding anyone who would want a completely platonic relationship with someone who is as socially inept as me!
 
Misty Avich said:
He says he feels no sexual or romantic feelings for anybody, men or women. He must feel quite lonely,
Click to expand...
What do you know about alexithymia? I am not suggesting that this is the case for your cousin but it might be worth looking into. (I ask this as one who has very few feelings - if any)
 
Alexej said:
What do you know about alexithymia? I am not suggesting that this is the case for your cousin but it might be worth looking into. (I ask this as one who has very few feelings - if any)
Click to expand...
Hmm, he does suffer with depression. Can people with alexithymia feel depression?
 
Misty Avich said:
Hmm, he does suffer with depression. Can people with alexithymia feel depression?
Click to expand...
YEs and no

He may BE depressed
He may not FEEL depressed

is that clear - if not ask and I will go to the hippo bath and get some mud :)
 
I'm completely asexual and aromantic too, which it sounds like your cousin is based on you saying he doesn't feel sexual or romantic attraction to anyone. (This is definitely one of those things that can be confusing for non-asexuals to understand because for probably 99% of non-asexuals, the group they're attracted to sexually is also going to be the group they're attracted to romantically, so they don't think of them as being separate things. But with asexuality, it's fully possible for us aces to not feel any form of sexual attraction to other people but also still feel a romantic attraction to people. But not feeling romantic attraction to others is what's called aromanticism.)

As for what it's like for me...well it just is, y'know? It's just how I am.

Certainly it can be frustrating at times, not because of my asexuality, but because of how much society treats wanting to have or engaging in sexual relations as normal and that's how everybody is. There's also the occasional acephobia I've encountered as well, all of it online and never in real life, but still seeing people say stuff like how asexuality isn't even real or how we can be 'fixed' if we just have a good...well I think you know what four letter word starting with 'F' would go here, it can really hurt you. (That's not even getting into the ableist undercurrent in some acephobic rhetoric...)

But at the end of the day, it's just how I am and how I've always been. I just don't feel any form of sexual attraction to other people, I've no interest in engaging in sexual relations (I should add that is fully possible for aces to have sex. Another one of those things that can sound complicated for non-aces but some aces will still have sex because they want children, they enjoy the physical pleasure from the activity [while not feeling sexual attraction, a lot of us can separate the action of having sex from feeling sexual attraction], or just to please their partner). Hell, I'm actually completely sex-repulsed, the entire notion of me having sex with anyone just...it just genuinely makes me uncomfortable and feel disgusted.
 
At least in men, testosterone has a lot to do with sexual desire. I'm not unattracted to women, but it's not the same as it was thirty years ago. It's easy to pass on women now. Thanks, but no thanks. Can't receive what you're transmitting the way I used to.
 
My ex is this way. I finally got it. We do have one child. It's okay with me. Sometimes l feel the same way.
 
I have no desire for anything sexual, however my partner does and that's ok. I got married last year and we are expecting a baby any day now. I don't feel that being asexual is bad. It's just how life is. Everyone's journey is different. Being asexual for one person can be felt and demonstrated differently than someone else. Validating each person's journey is important though. Being human isn't as straight forward as people think.
 
I’m asexual, but not aromantic. These are orientations. We can only discover them, but not choose them. Despite the widely held beliefs, it’s certainly possible to have a happy life without love or sex. In the end, I think your cousin simply needs to discover things for himself and decide what he wants.
 
I think I'm somewhere in the asexual scale. I find people... appealing? But not exactly what you'd call "attractive" exactly? I'm actually way more likely to be interested by a person's sense of fashion and how they coordinate themself overall than by the person alone. Ironically, for all the hype that testosterone gets for its role sexual attraction, I sometimes feel more of what I think is akin to sexual interest these days than back when I actually had testosterone, but even that's still pretty minimal.

I feel "interest" of some kind, of wanting to be with a person, and don't mind doing just about everything just short of literal sexual activity which is where my interest level kinda just... fizzles out. I'll do some stuff if the other person wants to and I can tell they're really enjoying themself, but it's unlikely I'd be interested purely for myself.

Fortunately, my wife is even more asexual than I am, so it doesn't really cause any issues in our relationship. We both talked things out early on and found things we both enjoy and which we agree we find more emotionally fulfilling or engaging than sex. Which is really the important part; focusing on what we do feel and priorizing that instead of focusing on what we don't feel and trying to pressure each other into it.
 
For me, it's like any other aspect of myself... it's merely how I am. Unlike certain other traits though I never get mentally/emotionally caught up in it, I don't get sad or depressed about it. Rather, I usually feel like I dodged a bullet. Or a hail of cannonballs.

There was a time when I tried to sorta "force" myself to have an interest in sex... which I realize now was just me lying to myself (and everyone else)... and yeah, that never exactly felt good.

These days, I just sorta roll with it. Zero interest in sex or romance (as I'm aromantic as well), and hey, that's fine, as far as I'm concerned. I know it's easy to hear about this sort of thing and think "wow this person must be so lonely" but that ain't how it is for everyone that has these traits. Though obviously this can differ wildly from one person to the next.

It's also one of those things where I couldn't care less if someone else knows about it or not. My family has likely guessed it, they'd have to be denser than diamond to NOT spot that one. But there's no big "talk" to be had with them about it, no big "coming out", as I simply don't care about it. May as well "come out" about the fact that I don't like sports.

Heck even right here I'm struggling to think of anything else to say about it.

I suppose the most important thing to know is that it's one of those things that's just going to be very different for each person who has said trait. Not exactly a one size fits all deal here.
 
I'm asexual, and I consider it to be a tremendous blessing. I never have any romantic or sexual interest in anyone. I also never experience loneliness, and I'm not certain I even understand the concept of it. People feel the constant need for the presence and affirmation of other people, yet they pity me? The way I see it, I've been opted out of one of the most stressful, difficult things that people go through. Not to mention that my mind is free from the bombardment of sexual fantasies that people seem to experience.

A few years back, someone on this website argued with me about asexuality. They argued that it doesn't exist, and that I'm not actually asexual. It was surreal, but I've actually heard it from others too. At first, it's funny in a baffling sort of way, but then it's a bit saddening that people are so hyper-sexualized that they can't even conceive of a person not being consumed with it in the way they are.

Then look at the endless threads made on here on how people are completely miserable simply because they don't have a romantic partner.

As for when people wonder what it's like, I ask them how much sexual attraction they experience when looking at dry wall.
 
Misty Avich said:
Hmm, he does suffer with depression. Can people with alexithymia feel depression?
Click to expand...

Alexithymia has nothing to do with what you feel or don't feel. It has to do with your ability to name your feelings.
 
I've never felt sexually attracted towards anyone. No desire for sex.
Doesn't mean I can't see someone I find very attractive. I do quite often.
But I feel no sexual attractions.

I haven't been totally aromantic.
It happened with one man when I was 23. I felt "in love" I suppose, but didn't
have sexual desires. He did and as others have stated, we can do stuff to please
the other without going all the way.

There were two others I became involved with that turned into long term relationships without sex. I didn't feel love for them though, even though I could
be somewhat intimate because they wanted to be.
For me it was more like a fun, playful, flirtatious thing.

I never felt remorseful over not having desires.
I never felt the want for marriage or children anyway.
It was just how I was and never thought much about it except I did wonder why
most of the world found sex to be one of the main things in life.
Now that I'm older I couldn't even do the stuff I did when I was young.
I would find even that repulsive now.
 
Misty Avich said:
My 33-year-old cousin is asexual, and admittedly I didn't understand what asexual was, I thought it was a word for not wanting a relationship. But after talking to my cousin about it, I've learnt that he wants babies and he doesn't want to be asexual, but hasn't got a choice.
I think that's really interesting. I understand that sexuality isn't a choice, but I also know that sexuality (such as homosexuality) isn't anything to be ashamed of or something one would want to change, but some people who are asexual can feel ashamed or sad or want help, and I'd understand that.
So I feel sorry for my cousin. He's still young, and it's like he wants to be a part of the dating world but because he's asexual it won't happen. He says he feels no sexual or romantic feelings for anybody, men or women. He must feel quite lonely, if he's asexual but doesn't want to be.

I thought I'd try and educate myself about it a little more. What's it like for you (if you're asexual)?
Click to expand...
I do not know if I am asexual or not.
But I think it does not mean zero interest in sex but may for some.
I think it just means you view it differently and people who experience it can have a high or low sex drive.
I think it means you could be repulsed by sex or not always like it even if you do not overly like it, it does not mean you do not have it.
I think I am because I do not overly like it or consider it animalistic.
And am repulsed by certain aspects of it.
I think trauma could possibly make you asexual or more asexual for a time. It is on a spectrum asexuality like autism.
Sometimes I think I wish I could never have sex but I think it is a beautiful aspect of love too.
So I am not sure if I am asexual or whether trauma and illness makes me believe I am or bend me more that way, not sure.
 
In the past I did not think asexual was real.
Because I thought everyone needs to like sex so they could have a partner.
Otherwise they would be lonely.
So I thought they were mentally ill or something turned them off sex.
And I thought it a bit odd.
So I was like they do it because someone made them hate sex or think it was wrong.
And I thought if they did not have sex, they would missing something beautiful and good.
 
My friend is aceflux/acespike. Remember, asexuality is a spectrum. Not all asexual ppl are sex repulsed. I identified as greyace for a bit until i came to terms with me just being aceflux
 
Of course asexuality does exist. And yes it's true that it's a spectrum. I totally respect asexual folks.
 
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