Act Normal

[gypsywillow]

Single mom with 3 kids. My middle son diagnosed with Asperger, oldest diagnosed with PDD-NOS, my youngest undiagnosed. Doctor that did the evals on my kids flat out told me I have Asperger. After the shock and worry, I have done a lot of research and I have answers finally! I'm excited. I now understand why I do the things I do! I always thought I must have missed the instruction book that everyone else got. I've truly felt like an alien for my whole life. And now, with diagnosis of my kids and better understanding of myself, starting to plug into communities that cater to those on the spectrum. Teaching my kids what makes them different, and feeling good about life.

 

[Margaretha]

Welcome to AC, gypsywillow.

 

[gypsywillow]

Thanks. Hopefully, as I become more educated and comfortable with our quirks I will stop saying "act normal" so much. Learning to embrace our differences.

 

[Soup]

Do you feel at all pressured to 'act normal' in certain social settings? Many of us here do. I call that going out in NT drag. For me, it literally is a matter of play acting & over the years, I've become pretty good at pulling it off so long as I don't have to keep up the illusion for a protracted amt of time or do it too frequently. It's exhausting! Now, I only act like a NT in social situations where I absolutely must because NOT doing so could have serious consequences. I figure that if NTs get to be themselves & be appreciated for who they are, then we NDs deserve the same respect.

 

[imagesbyholly]

I don't know how others of you feel about friendships, but I'm one of those people who desperately needs social interaction to feel happy, but I'm such an aspie, if I don't do the "NT Drag" thing no one wants to be around me. My dear, wonderful husband has learned to appreciate me the way I am. I have a few friends who like me for who I am. Making new friends, I find, requires that I do the NT dance until I get to know people better. It's so annoying to me that I would desire social interaction so much if it is so hard for me. Kind of like Temple Grandin needing a hug so bad, but it was too scary, and she didn't get any reliefe until she discovered and built her own "squeeze machine." (check youtube if you don't know what I'm talking about) Or like me loving to sing, but not being very good at it It's easier for me to be naturally calm when I'm comfortable with people I know, I think once you reach that level of comfort with people, they are more willing to accept you for who you are.

 

[Geordie]

Hi gypsywillow

Welcome to Aspies Central!

Be yourself, but be aware that Auties will be Autie, and hence, they may be more easily frustrated than others if they fail socially. So we'll do our best to manage them.

 

[Arashi222]

I never act normal. I have always been me. Which is probably why people either love me or hate me. I either drive them so crazy that they can't stand to be my friend anymore or they just accept me for who I am. I tried to be normal I think for 6months in high school and it didn't work. I had a small school with everyone knowing everyone there was the weird kids and the advanced kids. I didn't really fit in either group. I found I was different and even more differnet than I realized.Different is amazing and hard

 

[Soup]

@Arashi: I admire your courage to be exactly who as you are despite the disapproval of some & despite not always fitting in.

Fitting in was never a priority for me either. It would also be a hopeless case: I'm too odd to fit into any kind of social-type group. Having kids suddenly forces you to have to present yourself as NT on occasions such as parent/teacher meetings, trips to the paediatrician, play dates where other people's kids come over or you bring your child to their home & kid's birthday parties. These are times where appearing to be too Aspie would've had serious implications for my children.

NT society is extremely judgemental in this regard. Looking from their perspective, I can see their fears too: a weird parent mightn't just look different: parents fear that the person might be on drugs, a paedophile or someone else dangerous for their child to be around. WE know what stimming is & why we do it. All they see is an odd looking person rocking or flapping. Youth protection could even use this as grounds to take your kids & place them in foster care because you appear to be unstable & mentally ill!

Other situations that can force an Aspie into wearing a disguise is the workplace & marital life. Depending on what you do, you may have to have good NT drag at times. As a teacher, I can't appear to be odd in any way. I must look, sound & behave as conventionally as I can swing. Parents leave their kids with you for long periods & elementary schools wouldn't hire a teacher who appeared Aspie-ish for fear that you'll have melt-downs, shut downs or begin stimming-out in front of either the students or their parents. Depending on who your husband is, what he does & what his family are like, family get togethers are occasions where you may find yourself having to appear NT. When he has business related functions where spouses are expected to get dolled up & attend are also NT disguise occasions. Keeping social engagements to a grass roots rock bottom minimum becomes essential to an Aspie's survival.

 

[Biblio-Love]

It wasn't until my late 20s that I finally accepted who I was and my differences, not just some of them, but all of them. I can honestly say now that I am fine with who I am and I don't care what others think or how they judge me. Having said that, Soup is right. In some circumstances, appearing "normal" is necessary. I pick up my daughter from school every day and must hang out with a bunch of women I don't know for about 10 minutes. I try to make eye contact, not shift around too much, and smile every so often. Although I don't really care about their judgment, I do care about my daughter and her ability to make friends. I don't want to be the "weird" mom who makes others feel uncomfortable, so I try to fit in. It can be exhausting, but it is only for a short time.

 

[Csutelan]

I can definitely sympathize with that problem. For the most part, I don't care how I am perceived but I care about not embarrassing my wife of kids with their friends. I also have to interact with people at work. Most of them think I am "eccentric" (which is a nice way of saying weird). I am okay with that as long as their feelings about me don't interfere with their ability to work with me. The same is true with my customers. It is tough acting "normal" under these circumstances but it gets increasingly difficult when I find myself feeling angry or frustrated. Then, the thin veneer seems to peel away and I am powerless to be anything but what I am. Unfortunately, for me, I find myself increasingly feeling angry or frustrated with almost everything around me. Most of the day at work, I find myself cursing at my computer, at the phone when it rings and then having to stop everything and try and act normal when someone comes into my office with a question or issue. The only solace is at the end of a 10 hour day when I can come home or pour alcohol into me until I feel calmer. Then sleep and then I start the whole nasty mess all over again.
It just sucks.

 

[Butterfly_Lady]

I used to try a lot harder and a lot more often to "act normal" but anymore, i just don't care. I still have some times when i do still try to put on my NT disguise but anymore that is rare. i want someone to know me for who I really am from the start and not my "lie" to try and fit in because my disguise never really worked anyway so i am tired it. I'm tired of trying to be something that i am not. It's already exhausting enough just getting through a day sometimes without putting on this "suit" to seem normal. My mom certainly doesn't understand how exhausting it can be for me and complains about how much i sleep when i can't help it sometimes. then there are other times when i can't sleep because my brain won't stop running through everything going on in my life no matter if i can actually do something about it or not.

 

[imagesbyholly]

I have to sleep alot too. IMO, it's aspie anxiety causing adrenal fatigue, which causes both sleepiness and sleeplessness when you get really overtired.

 

[Butterfly_Lady]

Hmm i never thought of it that way. I'll have to see if i can find it in text somewhere perhaps, in an effort to try and help my mom understand.

 

[Serendipity]

Welcome to Aspies Central, gypsywillow! Pull up a chair and chill out with the rest of us.

 

[Jacki Cucinotta]

Hello Gypsywillow, and welcome to Aspies Central. Hope you enjoy it on this wonderful forum (or as I like to call it, a close-knit family). And don't ever worry about who you are. I'm starting to think the word "normal" is kind of vague ever since I started looking more into AS. I mean, what is the definition of "normal" anyway? What are the criteria for "normality" if there even are any?

 

[gregmcph]

....Although I don't really care about their judgment, I do care about my daughter and her ability to make friends. I don't want to be the "weird" mom who makes others feel uncomfortable, so I try to fit in. It can be exhausting, but it is only for a short time.

Yeah. I really fear my kids having the same complications as me. I can't handle people very well, and I know how disastrous is makes my life sometimes. I desperately want my kids to be Social and amongst other people. But... my younger daughter has a bit of the Aspie in her. She'll hide from the world when it gets too much. So I have to balance it a bit. Gently push her to be out in the world, but also let her retreat when she needs to.