Why do people always seem so happy and positive in social settings?

[mw2530]

When I get together with friends in social settings, they always seem so happy and energetic. Depending what I have going on in life, sometimes I am in a good mood and talkative, but other times I am feeling tired and in a bad mood. Are other people happy all of the time in social settings just because they get such a high of being around other people? Alternatively, perhaps sometimes they are happy, but other times they are not in a good mood but they are just more capable of hiding their true feelings. I guess what I am getting at is are neurotypical people capable of being unhappy in a social situation? Because I rarely see it.

 

[Cryptid]

Are other people happy all of the time in social settings just because they get such a high of being around other people?

Yes. You got it.

I guess what I am getting at is are neurotypical people capable of being unhappy in a social situation? Because I rarely see it.

Because they either 'mask' their unhappiness, or they depart from the social situation.

 

[Xinyta]

Yes. You got it.

Because they either 'mask' their unhappiness, or they depart from the social situation.

One other thing to add to this, is that I believe NTs can 'move on' from things far easier, than we can. We could mull over, analyze, and agonize over every detail of something. By the time we are finished doing that, I think a NT will have already moved on from it a long time ago and, most likely, have completely forgotten about it.

 

[SusanLR]

So it seems. NTs get a happy high from congregating.
Psychs will say it is so, and necessary for mental health.
It's promoted on TV commercials and ads.

I guess I'm more like Hello Kitty. Neutral emotions with no mouth.
Hiding in plain sight!

 

[AspieChris]

Some enjoy gossip. Some enjoy showing off their stuff. Some are hoping for a “romantic encounter”. Good food. Free alcohol. Maybe even just letting their own children be occupied by everyone else’s children for a few hours. People like parties, concerts, birthdays, holidays, etc.

Gatherings for me are noisy, confusing, tense, and generally so exhausting that 25 years ago I began telling everyone in my life to stop buying me presents at Christmas and birthdays just to hurry the party along.

I don’t get it in the same way I’ll never get why it was so important to send a man to the moon.

 

[Hypnalis]

We evolved in small groups. We evolved from a long line of hominins that lived in small groups.
Feeling comfortable and gaining "social energy" from being in groups is natural - literally an evolved behavior.

This doesn't exclude introverts, but introverts and extroverts gain and consume social energy differently.

Many of us are introverts. Many of us are comfortable being alone for long periods (which is genuinely stressful for extroverts). But the ability to be alone without a penalty doesn't mean we should always avoid people.

Try this: next time you're in a group of compatible people (or a normally functional family, where compatibility isn't necessary), stay in the group, but "tune out" (including turning off your "masking"). i.e. don't try to keep up with everything that's happening between the other people, and don't "lock in" to one person either.

"Tune in", or interact when you feel like it, stop when you don't. Interact with different people, rather than just the closest. Be patient (unless you already know how to start/stop brief interactions, but if you don't, you have quite a lot to learn).
Don't, under any circumstances, get into a long explanation of anything unless you're specifically asked, and get explicit "continuation signals". Structure any explanation of anything around that (so it's more like a series of interconnected "sound bites" than a concise, correct, consistent, complete explanation.

You only need to prepare one thing: a short, simple, polite way to explain you're zoned out.

Don't say why.

If asked, or if I miss a cue, I literally say something like "I'm low on social energy today". It's ok to prefix that with "Sorry I wasn't listening", but after missing a cue, it's better to just ask the person to repeat what they said.

 

[Tired]

When I get together with friends in social settings, they always seem so happy and energetic. Depending what I have going on in life, sometimes I am in a good mood and talkative, but other times I am feeling tired and in a bad mood. Are other people happy all of the time in social settings just because they get such a high of being around other people? Alternatively, perhaps sometimes they are happy, but other times they are not in a good mood but they are just more capable of hiding their true feelings. I guess what I am getting at is are neurotypical people capable of being unhappy in a social situation? Because I rarely see it.

Of course we are (I am NT), specifically if we're introverted, like I am. I prefer to not come to those social gatherings if I can, but if I'm forced to be there, then you'll see me sticking to someone I know and just mostly politely smiling or looking very tired, or I'll just sit away from everyone staring at my phone.

 

[Tired]

So are all ND people introverted then? Because feeling bad in social gatherings is kind of the introvert thing

 

[Hypnalis]

So are all ND people introverted then? Because feeling bad in social gatherings is kind of the introvert thing

Not all.

I think it's much more common in us than in NTs though.

And there are "chatty Aspies" (several post here, including me) who are comfortable alone for long periods, but like to be social too. So that's a combination of introvert and extrovert.

The secret of this in my case is what I described above. The better I got at reducing the effort I put into "masking", the easier and more pleasant and positive social interactions became.

 

[marc_101]

@mw2530 My best answer is a combination of things:

1) Most people are good at pretending to be happy, and at least in the US, you're supposed to be outgoing when you go out (note even the word "outoging")

2) It's often "not polite" to be unhappy, souring other people's mood

3) You're generalizing. You're noticing the happy people but not the unhappy people. You can feel awful but still smile in a social situation

 

[Misty Avich]

I guess it's an unwritten rule to be happy when socialising with a group of people. But socialising can also be difficult for NTs with depression or other mental health concerns. When my mother passed away, my extroverted NT aunt couldn't face any socialising because she said she found it exhausting. In fact she hasn't really socialised much since, because I think the death of my mum (her beloved sister) sent her into a sort of high-functioning depression where she can get on and do things like normal but spends less time attending social events where she feels obliged to be happy and chatty. So being social can have an affect on depressed NTs too, even if they were once extroverted.

Generally I am okay around people. I can put on a happy front and I do actually end up feeling happy when chatting and laughing. I think it's an ADHD thing, where I can actually distract myself away from my woes when talking to other people, no matter how bad I'm feeling inside.

 

[AspieChris]

There’s also a giant difference between being an introvert vs being someone who becomes overstimulated in a room full of people.

Example: I love old cars. If I’m in a room with 2-3 guys who also love old cars I’ll talk and talk, sounding like I’m very outgoing and like I would love to go with them to a car show. BUT at a car show there’s lots of people and too many things to see. It’s way worse for me if there’s tons of food vendors and loud music blasting. I love talking about old cars but I hate old car shows. Extrovert? Introvert? It doesn’t matter. I’m just overstimulated in crowds.

 

[Judge]

1. NTs masking.

2. Alcohol.

3. Social Posturing -whether for work or play.

Just my jaded perception based on what I observed with so many business-related social functions I had to attend over the years, but never wanted to.

Even as a child I had to occasionally participate in social functions relative to my father's military career, which was quite stressful to put it mildly.

 

[Mary Terry]

When I get together with friends in social settings, they always seem so happy and energetic. Depending what I have going on in life, sometimes I am in a good mood and talkative, but other times I am feeling tired and in a bad mood. Are other people happy all of the time in social settings just because they get such a high of being around other people? Alternatively, perhaps sometimes they are happy, but other times they are not in a good mood but they are just more capable of hiding their true feelings. I guess what I am getting at is are neurotypical people capable of being unhappy in a social situation? Because I rarely see it.

Most of them are masking and pretending to be happy. I do it all the time. Then I leave as soon as I can.

 

[Misty Avich]

Most of them are masking and pretending to be happy. I do it all the time. Then I leave as soon as I can.

Wait, NTs mask? Don't many Aspies believe that socialising is like breathing to them? Although I don't think it's as cut and dry as that.

 

[Misty Avich]

I also used to wonder why funerals often have a wake after, where everyone gets together and socialises. All the funerals I've ever been to, even my mother's, we all went to a pub after and everyone became chatty and laughing, and this was before anyone got drunk. Maybe it's just automatic with humans to turn happy when in a social sort of environment.

 

[Judge]

Wait, NTs mask? Don't many Aspies believe that socialising is like breathing to them? Although I don't think it's as cut and dry as that.

Masking in its simplest form reflects a desire for self-preservation. A consideration that transcends neurology. We all have "defense mechanisms" of one kind or another. No matter how good or poor we may be in socializing with others.

 

[mw2530]

One other thing to add to this, is that NTs can 'move on' from things far easier, than we can. We could mull over, analyze, and agonize over every detail of something. By the time we are finished doing that, a NT will have already moved on from it a long time ago and, most likely, have completely forgotten about it.

This is so true. I prefer to get into deep conversations, but others do not seem to be all that interested in doing such things. Which I can understand when socializing with people who you don't know very well. I am amazed at how quickly NT's bounce from one topic to another w/out any thought. And there is seemingly an endless number of topics to jump to and have a surface level conversation about them. I do tend to get stuck on single words or sentences and my mind starts thinking about it and then I stop listening. It is something I am aware of that I do, but so hard to not do it. The one good thing about NT's moving on quickly is they probably forget about any social awkward moment or gaffes if they do occur, whereas I have thought about those at length at times afterward. At the end of the day, my mind is always thinking about something. NT's must not do that. Listening is difficult because my mind needs to stop thinking in order to listen. But I would rather think because it is more stimulating. Auditory processing difficulties may be the primary driver of the boredom I experience when in social situations because I can't even process everything being said. So I just get bored and then tune out.

 

[mw2530]

Yes. You got it.

Because they either 'mask' their unhappiness, or they depart from the social situation.

Do you mean that NT's will avoid a social situation entirely if they are not in a good mood or tired? I often times force myself to go and meet up with friends because I know I need some social activity to avoid depression and I will never meet a significant other if I don't. But it is a balancing act because if I am tired and not in a good mood, it probably is not worth it because in those situations my social skills are diminished.

 

[Misty Avich]

NTs don't always forget. I've often made bad first impressions (nothing majorly bad but just poor enough to feel embarrassed about), and they've never liked me since. Also I've had NTs mention little things I done like 5 years ago that even I'd forgotten about and had hoped they had forgotten about.