Problems with being Clingy

[dspoh001]

Hello,
I don't make friends too often, but when I do I get really excited and, as a result, clingy. I recently (as in three weeks ago) went on a service trip with the Catholic Campus Ministry and met a new friend there. Her brother has Asperger's and she has had social anxiety so I think that there is some understanding, but I still feel that I would easily overwhelm them if I don't change my behavior. I called them a lot of different times yesterday (maybe seven or eight). When I got in touch with her yesterday evening I found out that she had been feeling kinda down and that it was nothing personal.
On the one hand, she is a really nice person and I would like to build up a friendship with her. On the other, I'm struggling to figure out what the proper balance in contacting someone is. Does anyone have any suggestions on how frequently to talk to a new friend that you want to get to know more without overwhelming them? Also, please keep in mind that this is completely platonic.

 

[Suzanne]

My husband who is the nt usually helps me out in this regard, because like you, I am clueless and actually I tend to veer towards not texting etc, because of the fear of doing it too much.

Since her brother has aspergers, then she has some understanding.

First of all, even though you say it is platonic, she may consider that you are attracted to her and thus, since you did an lot of calling in one day, I would lay off for a few days and then, contact to see how things are going?

Have you also relayed that you like her as a friend?

I was asking my hubby about this, since he is an nt and that is what he relayed to me. Plus, there are some nts on here and perhaps they can give you more of a grounded reply.

 

[dspoh001]

I asked her if I was making her feel uncomfortable by talking to her so much. She said yes, a little, so I said that would make a goal to contact her less often. She actually asked me why (which I found kinda surprising). I told her on the phone yesterday that I wouldn't contact her again until next Thursday, the 29th.
I haven't actually mentioned that I want a platonic friendship with her. Honestly, I have a bit of a crush on her, but I'm not telling her that anytime in the near future. I'm trying my best to avoid that discussion with her unless she brings it up because I've only known her for so long and because I think it would make things really awkward between us. However, I have said that I appreciate talking to her because she is a good listener.

 

[Streetwise]

Hello,
I don't make friends too often, but when I do I get really excited and, as a result, clingy. I recently (as in three weeks ago) went on a service trip with the Catholic Campus Ministry and met a new friend there. Her brother has Asperger's and she has had social anxiety so I think that there is some understanding, but I still feel that I would easily overwhelm them if I don't change my behavior. I called them a lot of different times yesterday (maybe seven or eight). When I got in touch with her yesterday evening I found out that she had been feeling kinda down and that it was nothing personal.
On the one hand, she is a really nice person and I would like to build up a friendship with her. On the other, I'm struggling to figure out what the proper balance in contacting someone is. Does anyone have any suggestions on how frequently to talk to a new friend that you want to get to know more without overwhelming them? Also, please keep in mind that this is completely platonic.

just tell the truth !say you don't know how to act !talk to her the way you talk to anybody! if you saw somebody on the street you knew how long would you talk to them for ?!and would you go to their house seven or eight times in one day? .
saying all this I don't know how to communicate with people so I avoid it ,I even find it hard on this forum.

 

[Bolletje]

A good guideline in my opinion is to make sure you contact them roughly as often as they are contacting you. At least until you’ve established a more solid friendship.

 

[ladybug]

Hello,
I don't make friends too often, but when I do I get really excited and, as a result, clingy. I recently (as in three weeks ago) went on a service trip with the Catholic Campus Ministry and met a new friend there. Her brother has Asperger's and she has had social anxiety so I think that there is some understanding, but I still feel that I would easily overwhelm them if I don't change my behavior. I called them a lot of different times yesterday (maybe seven or eight). When I got in touch with her yesterday evening I found out that she had been feeling kinda down and that it was nothing personal.
On the one hand, she is a really nice person and I would like to build up a friendship with her. On the other, I'm struggling to figure out what the proper balance in contacting someone is. Does anyone have any suggestions on how frequently to talk to a new friend that you want to get to know more without overwhelming them? Also, please keep in mind that this is completely platonic.

Hi there,
I'm nt and my partner is aspie... It was quite difficult to find an easy path - as we don't live together- we text or call every morning... Just a few mins... He will call once or twice every night.... Then we spend the weekends together at his... So this may seem long winded but I had to say to him 'how often' to contact me.... As it was either 'famine or feast'....!! I'd get bombarded with texts and calls or days of nothing.... He likes routine... And I like that too... I've had to help him with meeting new people as long as I make an end time..... At Xmas we went to a big party where he only knew me and the hosts.... He said throughout the evening ...'what's the answer...?' Then he answered '57 mins'... That was the time we had left at the party....!!!! It's ALL about communication.... As others have said .... Explain that you like her (assuming) company... And you don't want to 'overstep the mark'..... Ask her if she wants to text you etc that would be great.... That's sometimes less invasive than a call.... But ALLOW that other stuff maybe going with her.... Eg busy... Chores....work... Etc so she may not get back to you that day......!!! This is important ....!!!! (I've had to explain this to my partner...- so sorry if you get all this already)....!!

 

[dspoh001]

A good guideline in my opinion is to make sure you contact them roughly as often as they are contacting you. At least until you’ve established a more solid friendship.

That sounds like taking a leap of faith. Part of the reason that I contact friends so frequently is because I get scared that they won't contact me if I don't contact them. I spoke to my psychiatrist recently and she said that it's more about balance within in conversations, talking about the other person as much as talking about yourself, than frequency of communications. Would you agree with that?

 

[dspoh001]

Hi there,
I'm nt and my partner is aspie... It was quite difficult to find an easy path - as we don't live together- we text or call every morning... Just a few mins... He will call once or twice every night.... Then we spend the weekends together at his... So this may seem long winded but I had to say to him 'how often' to contact me.... As it was either 'famine or feast'....!! I'd get bombarded with texts and calls or days of nothing.... He likes routine... And I like that too... I've had to help him with meeting new people as long as I make an end time..... At Xmas we went to a big party where he only knew me and the hosts.... He said throughout the evening ...'what's the answer...?' Then he answered '57 mins'... That was the time we had left at the party....!!!! It's ALL about communication.... As others have said .... Explain that you like her (assuming) company... And you don't want to 'overstep the mark'..... Ask her if she wants to text you etc that would be great.... That's sometimes less invasive than a call.... But ALLOW that other stuff maybe going with her.... Eg busy... Chores....work... Etc so she may not get back to you that day......!!! This is important ....!!!! (I've had to explain this to my partner...- so sorry if you get all this already)....!!

Thanks. I like the part about routine. Might ask her if she would go for that at some point. We go to schools in different parts of the state so we won't be hanging out much or anything, but we're also going to be penpals (her suggestion). When I talked to her a couple of days ago she actually said that she had finished her first letter to me and was going to mail it yesterday.

 

[Pinecones]

It depends on the level of intimacy you share with the friend. Peripheral friends I try to limit myself to contacting clearly ONCE. I leave a message and if I really want to talk maybe I'll text as well. But the ball is now in their court. Usually I'll give it 4-7 days before trying again. My closer friends I know I can call in the morning, try again in the afternoon, and maybe again in the evening if I want to get the message across that I REALLY want to talk to them.

Keep in mind that when you contact someone these days, they KNOW you contacted them (unless the phone is dead/they're on on the comp/etc). It's now their turn to reciprocate.

It can be really hard when you're enthusiastic. I wrestled with this as a child; calling my friends was a huge adrenaline fueled event and leaving a message had my nerves wracked with uncertainty. I went through a period of being extremely overbearing with phone and computer contact but tried to be aware and moderate myself. Luckily I've found a few precious friends over the years who appreciate my enthusiasm and will indulge me in phone calls and skype calls that can last literally a full day, sometimes even leaving the call on over night and continuing our talks in the morning. It's a quirky dynamic and it takes a special kind of person or friend to reciprocate and enjoy that aspect of our social enthusiasm. For my friends, I think it affirms to them that I care about them and enjoy their company on a very pure level. I've definitely scared people away over the years though! And hey, if someone can't handle you, don't change you, change the people you're trying to befriend! <3

 

[dspoh001]

It depends on the level of intimacy you share with the friend. Peripheral friends I try to limit myself to contacting clearly ONCE. I leave a message and if I really want to talk maybe I'll text as well. But the ball is now in their court. Usually I'll give it 4-7 days before trying again. My closer friends I know I can call in the morning, try again in the afternoon, and maybe again in the evening if I want to get the message across that I REALLY want to talk to them.

Keep in mind that when you contact someone these days, they KNOW you contacted them (unless the phone is dead/they're on on the comp/etc). It's now their turn to reciprocate.

It can be really hard when you're enthusiastic. I wrestled with this as a child; calling my friends was a huge adrenaline fueled event and leaving a message had my nerves wracked with uncertainty. I went through a period of being extremely overbearing with phone and computer contact but tried to be aware and moderate myself. Luckily I've found a few precious friends over the years who appreciate my enthusiasm and will indulge me in phone calls and skype calls that can last literally a full day, sometimes even leaving the call on over night and continuing our talks in the morning. It's a quirky dynamic and it takes a special kind of person or friend to reciprocate and enjoy that aspect of our social enthusiasm. For my friends, I think it affirms to them that I care about them and enjoy their company on a very pure level. I've definitely scared people away over the years though! And hey, if someone can't handle you, don't change you, change the people you're trying to befriend! <3

Thanks. That's a lot of help. Part of why I get so enthusiastic is because I feel like even when I'm trying really hard I don't make friends that I keep in touch with too often. Sometimes it will be a year or two before I meet someone who I get along with well enough to talk to. Then I'll want to be best friends with them right away. I'm catching myself better this time, trying to be more aware of the consequences of my actions.

 

[Pinecones]

Thanks. That's a lot of help. Part of why I get so enthusiastic is because I feel like even when I'm trying really hard I don't make friends that I keep in touch with too often. Sometimes it will be a year or two before I meet someone who I get along with well enough to talk to. Then I'll want to be best friends with them right away. I'm catching myself better this time, trying to be more aware of the consequences of my actions.

I have a hard time conveying to most people that "I can tell whether or not I'm going to get along with someone instantly, usually just by looking at them". It's not a superficial judgement, it's not about how they look, or dress, or identify. It's about... their soul. Their spirit. I'm very sensitive to people's energies and can read into them deeply at a glance (ironic, since I struggle to function properly socially).

And when I do meet someone with a beautiful soul and I am drawn to them; I want to be good to them, help them, give and share and talk and learn and bond. Often, even if I'm not ACTING on these feelings, people pick up my vibe, and it can easily be misinterpreted. It's taken a lot of years of scaring people away to learn to reign in my enthusiasm and raw exuberance for other people.
I've had a lot of people come onto me because I was apparently sending mixed signals (which is funny because I couldn't flirt to save my life and sex is NEVER on my radar with friends or strangers or acquaintances, I don't function like that, I don't view people like that).
Conversely I've had people accuse me of feeling or being pushy/creepy/overbearing/etc. when I was avidly trying NOT to be.
I've had people "try" to give me a chance and "try" to like me, which gets me thinking "OMG YES A NEW FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO EXPLORE THE WHOLE WORLD WITH MY NEW FRIEND THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME!"
Then just when I feel like we're breaking ground, hangin' out, working on projects together or taking hikes or talking on the phone- poof! They probably picked up on or saw something they didn't like and I get ghosted.

Which, even thought it can hurt, it's frustrating, and it makes me cynical about trying to bond with anyone else ever again- I try to put it in perspective; I'd rather be ghosted than be led on by someone who can't manage to tell me they don't actually like me. I'd rather be ghosted than have a friend formally "end" our relationship. I'd rather feel like we've just grown busy and grown apart than know that this person I cared deeply for has left me. I mean, I'd PREFER open, honest communication, but that's hard to come by, especially when someone has decided they don't like you! So it's not an option I bank on.

That's just me though! I've had friends "officially" end our friendships; criminalizing and demonizing me, and sculpting elaborate webs of accusations that are difficult to conceive. People I loved very dearly and would never do anything to hurt intentionally. Friends that have been gone now for years and I still cry sometimes; I feel like they died. One day the person I loved was there, the next they weren't. I can't see them, talk to them, it's like they just disappeared. And I mourn them emotionally like they have died. That frightens me when I project into the future of a budding new friendship!

I guess I say all this to convey the level at which I get attached to people- I think (maybe?) many of us here feel and behave like this. Or maybe I'm just a weirdo That's okay too. Anyways, it's made me very weary of who I choose to pursue. I've had enough heartbreak, even amongst friends, to jump into a friendship with just anybody who seems like they might get along with me. I've lost nearly all of my friendships in my life so far, even after 5-10 years, where I've thought there's nothing under the sun that could end our friendship!

But the few that I still have are founded on very deep trust, open communication, emotional intimacy and vulnerability, respect, adoration, solidarity, and plain ol' sharing and caring.

I venture out into the world of friendship-building with extreme caution. I now wait to see how genuine a person is willing to be with me, because I know that once I'm comfortable and trusting with someone, my emotional guts just spill out all over them, and if I can't trust them with that- trust that they will respect me and trust that they can handle it- I keep them at arm's length. And sometimes that's deeply emotionally taxing on me, especially when it's someone I DO want in my life! I feel like I'm always learning and evolving socially. But if I catch a whiff of "red flag" behavior in someone, which may signal to me that I can't trust them with my fragile over-size hutch of fine china FEELING, I shut down any thoughts of establishing more than an acquaintance-ship with them. Keeps me safe! I think...

 

[dspoh001]

I have a hard time conveying to most people that "I can tell whether or not I'm going to get along with someone instantly, usually just by looking at them". It's not a superficial judgement, it's not about how they look, or dress, or identify. It's about... their soul. Their spirit. I'm very sensitive to people's energies and can read into them deeply at a glance (ironic, since I struggle to function properly socially).

And when I do meet someone with a beautiful soul and I am drawn to them; I want to be good to them, help them, give and share and talk and learn and bond. Often, even if I'm not ACTING on these feelings, people pick up my vibe, and it can easily be misinterpreted. It's taken a lot of years of scaring people away to learn to reign in my enthusiasm and raw exuberance for other people.
I've had a lot of people come onto me because I was apparently sending mixed signals (which is funny because I couldn't flirt to save my life and sex is NEVER on my radar with friends or strangers or acquaintances, I don't function like that, I don't view people like that).
Conversely I've had people accuse me of feeling or being pushy/creepy/overbearing/etc. when I was avidly trying NOT to be.
I've had people "try" to give me a chance and "try" to like me, which gets me thinking "OMG YES A NEW FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO EXPLORE THE WHOLE WORLD WITH MY NEW FRIEND THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME!"
Then just when I feel like we're breaking ground, hangin' out, working on projects together or taking hikes or talking on the phone- poof! They probably picked up on or saw something they didn't like and I get ghosted.

Which, even thought it can hurt, it's frustrating, and it makes me cynical about trying to bond with anyone else ever again- I try to put it in perspective; I'd rather be ghosted than be led on by someone who can't manage to tell me they don't actually like me. I'd rather be ghosted than have a friend formally "end" our relationship. I'd rather feel like we've just grown busy and grown apart than know that this person I cared deeply for has left me. I mean, I'd PREFER open, honest communication, but that's hard to come by, especially when someone has decided they don't like you! So it's not an option I bank on.

That's just me though! I've had friends "officially" end our friendships; criminalizing and demonizing me, and sculpting elaborate webs of accusations that are difficult to conceive. People I loved very dearly and would never do anything to hurt intentionally. Friends that have been gone now for years and I still cry sometimes; I feel like they died. One day the person I loved was there, the next they weren't. I can't see them, talk to them, it's like they just disappeared. And I mourn them emotionally like they have died. That frightens me when I project into the future of a budding new friendship!

I guess I say all this to convey the level at which I get attached to people- I think (maybe?) many of us here feel and behave like this. Or maybe I'm just a weirdo That's okay too. Anyways, it's made me very weary of who I choose to pursue. I've had enough heartbreak, even amongst friends, to jump into a friendship with just anybody who seems like they might get along with me. I've lost nearly all of my friendships in my life so far, even after 5-10 years, where I've thought there's nothing under the sun that could end our friendship!

But the few that I still have are founded on very deep trust, open communication, emotional intimacy and vulnerability, respect, adoration, solidarity, and plain ol' sharing and caring.

I venture out into the world of friendship-building with extreme caution. I now wait to see how genuine a person is willing to be with me, because I know that once I'm comfortable and trusting with someone, my emotional guts just spill out all over them, and if I can't trust them with that- trust that they will respect me and trust that they can handle it- I keep them at arm's length. And sometimes that's deeply emotionally taxing on me, especially when it's someone I DO want in my life! I feel like I'm always learning and evolving socially. But if I catch a whiff of "red flag" behavior in someone, which may signal to me that I can't trust them with my fragile over-size hutch of fine china FEELING, I shut down any thoughts of establishing more than an acquaintance-ship with them. Keeps me safe! I think...

Thank you so much for sharing this. After reading over the comments in this thread I spoke to my friend and we decided to set aside a time to talk on the phone each week because she really isn't a fan of texting. I text, but I just feel that phone conversations can allow for a greater exchange of info and emotional connection. I'm worrying less about this already and feeling more positive.

 

[Pinecones]

Thank you so much for sharing this. After reading over the comments in this thread I spoke to my friend and we decided to set aside a time to talk on the phone each week because she really isn't a fan of texting. I text, but I just feel that phone conversations can allow for a greater exchange of info and emotional connection. I'm worrying less about this already and feeling more positive.

That’s a great starting point . I think a change in perspective For anyone that feels they can be socially overbearing is the best starting point. I wouldn’t say I’m “too clingy”, I just recognize that I love people! And I think it’s in my own benefit to communicate that to someone I want to establish a platonic relationship with. Truly it’s an asset, not a burden in a friendship. If we can seek out people who will appreciate our quirks and work to communicate ourselves, I think more people might gain some very valuable, special friends .