Need help

[Kestrel81]

I am dating a 37 year old male who is somewhere on the spectrum. I don’t know where because we haven’t really talked about it. I only know he is somewhere on there as he mentioned it in passing. I am in the beginning stages of perimenopause and I get irritated at every little thing. I also am getting more depressed and need more support. I know he loves me but I’m becoming really needy. I get that it’s hard for him to remember to check in with me but I also want him to remember on his own. Part of me thinks I should just break up with him but another part of me argues to not let go of a good thing. Anyone in a similar situation?

 

[Jumpinbare]

My mother, who lives alone, was having an odd reaction to a new medication yeterday. She called me and told me about it, but she didn't want to go to the ER or walk-in clinic. She asked me to call her in 2 or 3 hours to make sure she was ok. She is 88, and her health is very important to me. Yet, when I woke this morning, I realized with shock that I hadn't called. Of course I called immediately this morning.
If your guy has memory issues, that isn't going to change. When my wife was alive, she frequently referred to herself as my "auxiliary memory unit".

 

[Rodafina]

I know he loves me but I’m becoming really needy.

Is he the only one who can meet these needs? Since you've noted this is a change to your dynamic, is it more fair to try to have some of your needs met by someone or something other than your partner (a therapist, for example)? What things can you do on your own to meet some of these new needs in a self sufficient way?

I get that it’s hard for him to remember to check in with me but I also want him to remember on his own.

Can you do the opposite where you tell him that you will check in with him about how you are feeling? The expectation could be that you both acknowledge that you may need extra support sometimes and you will let him know when those times are and he can try his best to help you in those moments.

 

[Kestrel81]

You bring up good points.

I’m going to just do what I can to take care of myself for now.

I’ll also check in with him and let him know what I need and see from there what happens.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

does he have any ex-girlfriends before he met you?

 

[Seladon]

The favourite axiom of advice I have ever received, from years ago...

Maybe is a worse No.

And I'm hearing a big Maybe from you, OP. If you aren't 100% or at 99.something% sure about this guy, it's probably advisable to toss him the keys to the street. You'll never forgive nor respect yourself if you settle and compromise. We can like someone, care for them or enjoy their company, but that doesn't mean they deserve all of us or need to be first chair in our life, especially if they can't show up in a way that helps us.

Not to mention, we have to bear in mind general good advice about males here, ASD or not. And an Ain't Horseapples Man is always going to be one. "I can fix him/change him/train him" thinking never got any woman anywhere, except in the hole with little to show for it. E.g. my NT sister puts so much back-breaking work and energy and resources into moulding her man into the person she expects him to be, and while he's basically treats her fine, he doesn't pay her investment in him back. It's sad to witness. I fear he's wasted her precious time, and that one day he's going to turn around one day and leave for a younger, less demanding model.