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how do I get enough alone time while being married

U

uneven

Member
I have been married, and during the whole relationship I was begging for "three hours a week" of physical alone time for recharging (by myself behind a closed door, do not disturb unless absolutely necessary). My husband did not understand this, "But you go to the gym by yourself!", etc. , and thought I was selfish and demanding. How do you guys manage this in your own relationships?
 
I am not currently in a relationship but talking seems to be the best way. If your husband does not respect your boundaries and/or needs that's something that needs to be talked about.

I was married to a very emotionally abusive woman and can only talk from that perspective, sadly.

Remember that your needs are VERY important and first.
 
That was almost always the common denominator when it came to the demise of all my relationships.

Not having enough alone time. Worse that I had no understanding at the time of who- and what I am neurologically speaking.
 
elgat0verde said:
I am not currently in a relationship but talking seems to be the best way. If your husband does not respect your boundaries and/or needs that's something that needs to be talked about.

I was married to a very emotionally abusive woman and can only talk from that perspective, sadly.

Remember that your needs are VERY important and first.
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Thank you! I talked, but he only heard "I don't want to be with you". He couldn't conceive of needing alone time and being deeply in love at the same time. Having a son made this so much worse, because I was "burdening" him with childcare. Unfortunately, he did not have any hobbies or special needs/interests, so I couldn't support him as well.
 
Judge said:
That was almost always the common denominator when it came to the demise of all my relationships.

Not having enough alone time. Worse that I had no understanding at the time of who- and what I am neurologically speaking.
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yup! I totally identify! Me, too!
 
Seriously? Three hours a week was too much?

I could never survive on that. I am not a part of a couple, probably because alone time is the most important thing to me.

Why is three hours a week to yourself too much to ask for? Are there jealousy issues? Are your lives intertwined and so hectic that it really is difficult to separate for that amount of time? Are there employment issues where someone is always working? There could be a lot of reasons why this is difficult to make happen, but from my view, asking for alone time every single day is reasonable.

Have you tried describing in a neutral, non-confrontational way the effect that overstimulation has on you? Can you describe to your partner how much better you feel if you get recharge time?
 
uneven said:
Thank you! I talked, but he only heard "I don't want to be with you". He couldn't conceive of needing alone time and being deeply in love at the same time. Having a son made this so much worse, because I was "burdening" him with childcare. Unfortunately, he did not have any hobbies or special needs/interests, so I couldn't support him as well.
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I am sorry about this, I hope things get better for you
 
Take authority! Just go to your room, and say with kindness but firm "i don't want to be disturbed for x time please nobody enter here while i rest" And if they enter get angry in a normal fashion i mean.
 
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For me just getting alone time by itself isn't enough, I have to know I'm not going to be disturbed from beforehand or I don't properly relax. And like @NB79 said, if I've planned for that and someone does disturb me I can get very cranky.
 
At first when l took alone time, my spouse at that time would come and stare at me to figure out what l was doing. I was his first serious relationship. Now we take time apart because too much of each other isn't healthy, and he now realizes he needs his own time to unwind. But children, pets still need to be fed, cleaned, attended too irregardless of your time, especially if he is the sole breadwinner, it's not fair to burden him. So perhaps a hour or 1.5 hours would be a tab more reasonable.
 
Outdated said:
For me just getting alone time by itself isn't enough, I have to know I'm not going to be disturbed from beforehand or I don't properly relax. And like @NB79 said, if I've planned for that and someone does disturb me I can get very cranky.
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me. too. otherwise, I'm alert to the possibility of intrusion, and it's hard to relax. Also, not being disturbed is a sign of his respect.
 
Aspychata said:
At first when l took alone time, my spouse at that time would come and stare at me to figure out what l was doing. I was his first serious relationship. Now we take time apart because too much of each other isn't healthy, and he now realizes he needs his own time to unwind. But children, pets still need to be fed, cleaned, attended too irregardless of your time, especially if he is the sole breadwinner, it's not fair to burden him. So perhaps a hour or 1.5 hours would be a tab more reasonable.
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How did you explain it to him? I think that if both of us needed our space/time,(or if he asked me to do something for him) it would have totally worked out, because we would be partners with each other--both serving each other and showing our love for each other. It would shift from "selfish" to "a bonding experience"!
 
NB79 said:
Take authority! Just go to your room, and say with kindness but firm "i don't want to be disturbed for x time please nobody enter here while i rest" And if they enter get angry in a normal fashion i mean.
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I didn't have enough self confidence to do this. Now, I would, but I'm not in a relationship now. Excellent advise, though!!
 
Perhaps a quiet hobby could give you a bit of an escape, take up oil painting or similar. Something that gives you the right to yell at people when they disturb you, they'll soon learn to leave you alone then. Set aside a regular time each week for your hobby so everyone else gets used to the idea that you won't be paying them any attention at a certain time on a certain day. You wouldn't even have to paint anything much, just sit there staring at a canvas and pretend to be busy.
 
Outdated said:
Perhaps a quiet hobby could give you a bit of an escape, take up oil painting or similar. Something that gives you the right to yell at people when they disturb you, they'll soon learn to leave you alone then. Set aside a regular time each week for your hobby so everyone else gets used to the idea that you won't be paying them any attention at a certain time on a certain day. You wouldn't even have to paint anything much, just sit there staring at a canvas and pretend to be busy.
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oh, outdated, you are great! Pretend to be busy! Staring into space is one of my favorite activities! I should just say that I'm meditating!! definitely a good excuse for yelling!!!
 
Well the good news is, when we did get back together, economic necessity for me, l told him separate bedrooms are needed. This actually saves the relationship. You can cool down if upset, and talk things out. I really like that. Plus no kids, or pets, so that eases up time. If he isn't feeling well, l coddle and baby him. Some men just appreciate that when getting through a cold or flu. However, l do spoil him, in my own way, and he is quite happy to oblige with alone time. If you yell at each other, guess what? You will head to a breakup. How about treat each other with respect and love?
 
Rodafina said:
Seriously? Three hours a week was too much?

I could never survive on that. I am not a part of a couple, probably because alone time is the most important thing to me.

Why is three hours a week to yourself too much to ask for? Are there jealousy issues? Are your lives intertwined and so hectic that it really is difficult to separate for that amount of time? Are there employment issues where someone is always working? There could be a lot of reasons why this is difficult to make happen, but from my view, asking for alone time every single day is reasonable.

Have you tried describing in a neutral, non-confrontational way the effect that overstimulation has on you? Can you describe to your partner how much better you feel if you get recharge time?
Click to expand...
i wasn't able to articulate it, and I felt too abnormal and unlovable to be confident. Now I'm just beginning my spectrum journey towards self acceptance. Thank you for helping me!!
 
Aspychata said:
Well the good news is, when we did get back together, economic necessity for me, l told him separate bedrooms are needed. This actually saves the relationship. You can cool down if upset, and talk things out. I really like that. Plus no kids, or pets, so that eases up time. If he isn't feeling well, l coddle and baby him. Some men just appreciate that when getting through a cold or flu. However, l do spoil him, in my own way, and he is quite happy to oblige with alone time. If you yell at each other, guess what? You will head to a breakup. How about treat each other with respect and love?
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Separate bedrooms would have been ideal, but got nixed by him. I was always up for some coddling! I regret that I wasn't confident enough in what I needed. It made it so much harder to have the energy to show him love in the way that he might have wanted.
 
I think it's actually abnormal for anyone NOT to require time alone by themselves. @uneven your post is interesting because it shows that it's not only women who are needy in a relationship; men can be too. It's unfortunate in both cases. You mentioned childcare: I do wonder if your husband expects you to handle the childcare between you two and that's why he doesn't want you to have your alone time? If that's so, that's not ok either. I guess there could be certain cultures where childcare is firmly relegated to women only.

I hope you two can work this out.
 
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Separate bedrooms are a must. Separate houses would be even better. I'm not kidding. I can't relationship otherwise. When I'm in the house with someone I need to be alone, either in my pillow fort or in a room with the door shut. I don't even like eating together.

Like it or leave it, but that's me.
 
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