I've been having greatly increased OCD symptoms lately. It's embarrassing. It's embarrassing because with OCD, you are aware- completely- that what you are doing doesn't make sense. You are aware that the things causing you fear are not logical, not rational, have no place in reality.
On the other hand, the OCD is nipping at your heels constantly, also yelling in your ears, also pulling on your hand, also tugging at a pant leg like a small child, also perched on your shoulders, trying to convince you to take it all seriously.
So even if you know it makes no sense?
"...what if I'm wrong?"
And the fear that comes with OCD is so often not just anxiety and not just the kind of false fear you experience at a theme park. It's a real fear- of all kinds.
Most of my symptoms are Pure O, so are mentally based. But when things get really bad, like now, I start having it manifest in behaviors. Rituals, and how I communicate. Other things.
At this point it's absolutely affecting how I interact with people close to me, how I trust what I am saying to them. it's affecting how I function JUST in my own apartment. I'm even feeling like I'm acting weird here. I'm not even really posting the last couple of days but I'm freaking out about being in chat or not. The thing with that is my OCD tells me there is nothing I can do "right" in that situation. I got in and say hi, I'm being disruptive. I say nothing, I'm being creepy and rude because like, I'm obviously "staring". But I just kind of want to be "around people doing stuff", if that makes any sense. So if I go in with my activity nonvisible, I'm spying. I could not go at all, but I'm not really doing anything else, so what am I doing on the site right now?
OCD= no win. ha.
I was talking to a friend who also has OCD. More recently I tend to try to explain the OCD in a way that establishes that it is separate from me. It sort of helps in that it helps me cope with it better. The symptoms don't go away but I retain my sense of self and feel a bit more able to cope with the stress that the symptoms create ON TOP of dealing with the symptoms themselves. So this friend said she kind of sees my OCD as a sort of Oscar the Grouch type character.
I actually agreed but then modified it.
I am seeing it a little more like a mogwai. There are certain things that you can do to make it more likely that it will stay quiet and manageable. A cute little cooing fuzz ball, right??
Keep it out of sunlight.
Don't get it wet.
Don't feed it after midnight.
THESE ARE SIMPLE RULES, PEOPLE.
But then some idiot friend comes over and knocks a glass of water all over your OCD Mogwai, and suddenly it gets bigger or multiplies. Your clock is broken, so you start being late to things, and feed your now overwhelming OCD hoard after midnight. Now you are just screwed because over a period of like 48 hours your cute little cooing OCD fuzzball has become a snarling mob of scaly, crazy OCD fears.
So, yeah. My OCD is a mogwai. But my brain is wired to not take care of mogwais, which is why it's OCD and not "occasional weird thoughts that just drift through and are forgotten about".
This is why my brain can't have nice things.
On the other hand, the OCD is nipping at your heels constantly, also yelling in your ears, also pulling on your hand, also tugging at a pant leg like a small child, also perched on your shoulders, trying to convince you to take it all seriously.
So even if you know it makes no sense?
"...what if I'm wrong?"
And the fear that comes with OCD is so often not just anxiety and not just the kind of false fear you experience at a theme park. It's a real fear- of all kinds.
Most of my symptoms are Pure O, so are mentally based. But when things get really bad, like now, I start having it manifest in behaviors. Rituals, and how I communicate. Other things.
At this point it's absolutely affecting how I interact with people close to me, how I trust what I am saying to them. it's affecting how I function JUST in my own apartment. I'm even feeling like I'm acting weird here. I'm not even really posting the last couple of days but I'm freaking out about being in chat or not. The thing with that is my OCD tells me there is nothing I can do "right" in that situation. I got in and say hi, I'm being disruptive. I say nothing, I'm being creepy and rude because like, I'm obviously "staring". But I just kind of want to be "around people doing stuff", if that makes any sense. So if I go in with my activity nonvisible, I'm spying. I could not go at all, but I'm not really doing anything else, so what am I doing on the site right now?
OCD= no win. ha.
I was talking to a friend who also has OCD. More recently I tend to try to explain the OCD in a way that establishes that it is separate from me. It sort of helps in that it helps me cope with it better. The symptoms don't go away but I retain my sense of self and feel a bit more able to cope with the stress that the symptoms create ON TOP of dealing with the symptoms themselves. So this friend said she kind of sees my OCD as a sort of Oscar the Grouch type character.
I actually agreed but then modified it.
I am seeing it a little more like a mogwai. There are certain things that you can do to make it more likely that it will stay quiet and manageable. A cute little cooing fuzz ball, right??
Keep it out of sunlight.
Don't get it wet.
Don't feed it after midnight.
THESE ARE SIMPLE RULES, PEOPLE.
But then some idiot friend comes over and knocks a glass of water all over your OCD Mogwai, and suddenly it gets bigger or multiplies. Your clock is broken, so you start being late to things, and feed your now overwhelming OCD hoard after midnight. Now you are just screwed because over a period of like 48 hours your cute little cooing OCD fuzzball has become a snarling mob of scaly, crazy OCD fears.
So, yeah. My OCD is a mogwai. But my brain is wired to not take care of mogwais, which is why it's OCD and not "occasional weird thoughts that just drift through and are forgotten about".
This is why my brain can't have nice things.
