When you want to tell people but are afraid..

[louloulovesdogs]

So I've been "self diagnosed" for a while but I've gotten an official diagnosis recently and it's taken a bit of getting used to. Certain traits that are autistic have stood out to be more, but I think I'm just more aware of them and more like connecting the dots of my past and behavior.

Basically, now certain things that have always bothered me but I've always just got on with I now feel like I don't want to have to deal with. It's not just me being picky or annoying, it's because I'm autistic and my brain works differently. So this has resulted in me really wanting to tell people about my diagnosis, I guess so some of my weird things can be forgiven in a way, or maybe I can be allowed to do other things (like go in my own room at work, which I can do now, but if you do it for the majority of the day it's viewed as odd and my manager will wonder where I am and if I am working).

But I'm afraid of 3 things: 1. it jeopardizing my job, which i really don't think it would, I don't think I would be fired, but I feel that it might impact it in some way, 2. people treating me differently because currently most people point out my aspie traits but they do it in a "oh that's just you" so funny kind of way, but i feel that they would either stop joking about that stuff in fear of offending me, or if they do, notice it in a more sympathetic way like oh poor you you can't understand that, and then 3. people viewing (and me feeling like i am...) my disclosure or asking for certain things as just being a way to get special treatment and have things easier......

thoughts and any similar experiences???

 

[Chance]

Hi Loulou,

I actually dislike (hate) the label that was forced on me. I don't like admitting that I am ASD with a crap load of other junk all tucked in there. Story is too long, but for a while, it was like LIFE stuck a knife right in my back. It was the last thing I needed, but it turned out being a good thing in some ways.

I have asked this same question on this site...
I was in a situation where I went to a conference (that I never wanted to go to) and I got too tired. A guy started being a real jerk to me. I was shutting down and my friend basically blurted out that I was Autistic... It backfired it was ugly and I learned first hand how awful people can be. I wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out...

So just like these caring people here at Aspie Central told me... I'm passing it on to you.

1. Jeopardizing your job... I wouldn't even tell them unless I was forced... I was forced because of my position, and because of our health insurance. I thought it would stay private, but it leaked out.
I was a little angry but nothing has really changed... Except they maybe understand my ways a little better.

2. People treating you different... Your a female, I think thats a plus for you, but we are treated different anyway. As a guy, I have been bullied a lot in my life. I don't know what you ladies have to deal with. I only know I wouldn't treat anyone the way some have chosen to treat me. Its their choice and their conscience that they will have to contend with later.

3. Special treatment... Don't allow them to pull that card, be strong and assertive on at least that. This is one area I will not let people slide on. I have never once asked to be treated "special." It would embarrass me horribly if someone did. Some people do want to be treated special and thats their right, if they so choose. If it benefits you, and you are okay with it, then roll with it.

ASD doesn't give you (us) an "excuse" for how you (we) act... I gives a fact based reason for how we act and think.

Just a short add-on... My wife still refuses to accept my diagnosis, and refuses to allow me to tell anyone, including our family, which wouldn't give a rats ass anyway. I know for a fact it embarrasses her. The one person I thought would be there for me, is the most against me...

A formal is good for something I guess, but I haven't found that something just yet.

Good luck to you... and I am certain others will give you great advice and pointers to help you decide, but in the end... Do what your gut tells you. Be strong : )

 

[Marcus]

I just got out of a line of work that was in retail, so that meant facing the public was constant (which I'm not a fan of but at that time I had no choice.)

I ended up telling my boss about my autism and how certain things and situations affect me differently than others, it got to where when I felt like the stimulation was too much I was allowed to go outside and "vent or cool down."

I've always been treated differently by other people, and I won't lie, it does bother me. But in a work situation I think of it this way, "I didn't get this job to be friends with anyone or be accepted, I did it to make ends meet." and that helped me out immensely.

Not sure if this helps, just trying to voice my experience.

 

[Keigan]

What are you looking to achieve by telling people you work with?

I'm not going to do it because it is not worth the risk of being treated differently. You might want to talk to the HR department, though they probably have nothing to offer. Review your company policy, there are some things you have to inform HR, it will be listed there. If you are in the US, then HR might actually be happy because by law they need to hire a certain percentage.

 

[louloulovesdogs]

Not people I work with but people I work for, so I won't get in trouble for needing to step away or something.

 

[Marcus]

Ahh, sorry. I guess I didn't fully understand.

 

[Katleya]

If I were asked a yes or no question on whether or not I want to be an openly out Aspie rather than an Aspie in hiding, I would say yes, definitely out, but I'm at a stage where I have nothing to lose and everything to gain, so it really makes the choice easy. If anything, being upfront about it actually helps shield me from letting prejudiced people in my life.

That being said, I would be more nuanced in my recommendations pertaining to your particular situation. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong:
- You said you had self-diagnosed, so I take it that at the moment this is the furthest stage of diagnosis you've reached, correct? If that is the case, I would strongly advise against disclosing the diagnosis, because self-diagnoses, being unofficial, have no real value in the workplace. You never know how people may react to a diagnosis, but disclosing an unofficial (therefore, not vetted by a professional) diagnosis is like Pandora opening that notorious box. Do note that I'm not challenging the accuracy of your diagnosis, but I can tell you for a fact that other people, in the outside world, will.

- On that note: assuming you get an official diagnosis, people will very likely challenge it still because you are a woman, and for most people who are uneducated on autism, females can't be Aspies, period (pun not intended). Have you had a chance to look at the thread on not looking autistic? (Can't recall the title, but the exact phrase "you don't look autistic" should work in the forum's search engine)

- Your expectations vs. NT perception. You see how the diagnosis provides reasons for your needs & behavior, because you use logic and you probably have enough self-awareness. It's a fairly safe bet to say that most people on the receiving end will not understand your message like this, and will be super quick to claim that you're making excuses, because they don't know you as well as you do, they don't know autism (be especially aware of those who think they know a little, as they tend to think their brief experience means they have extensive knowledge of all things autistic -- I call it mistaking their ignorance for knowledge), and any bias, conscious or not, that they might have will come to the surface.

My bottom line is it will have an impact, people will treat you differently (for better or worse), and some people will think you're pulling a card for an easy way out, because that's their mentality.

 

[Katleya]

Now, for the sake of transparency, I also have to share my experience at work, briefly.

I disclosed my diagnosis to the people I work for because I could feel the point where I couldn't cope with certain things was getting nearer & nearer. At that time, I had a very good (or at least I thought so) relationship with my manager & our boss, with occasional arrangements made, and they were very satisfied with me & my work (praises, bonus, etc.). But because I knew breaking point was just around the corner, and I didn't want to let them down by giving a poorer performance in the future, on top of the fact that I thought I ought to be honest with them, I went and explained a truth about me that no one had asked for, and that no one was ready for either. I found a leaflet that explained very well what good could come out of having an Aspie on the job, and also how to best manage what might need some fine tuning or what may be atypical.

Here's how it went. The leaflet was welcomed, yes. My manager & I discussed it again after he had read it, and he seemed to have grasped it fairly well. From there on, and for over 6 months, everything that could go wrong did. They started harrassing me by pointing out every single social lapse that hadn't been an issue so far. They claimed I was disruptive because people gossiped about me (so I'm disruptive for being a target, but the people initiating the gossip are not?). They claimed that because autism can be a hindrance in getting degrees, mine was a fake degree (and that's a serious accusation to claim, because forged degrees are reprehensible by law). They claimed I was making excuses any time I disagreed with something, even if I had facts to back me up, or if I wasn't the one at fault (I was blamed for a series of failure on a project that other people were working on & I didn't know about. Or for mistakes that another manager made on a project while I was away on training, and I'm not even working with that fool to begin with). Everything was my fault, and then some. You'd think I was the devil or something, when nothing in my attitude had changed. Management would mock me, even, and openly say they didn't care if I had certain needs, just get the job done already. And then all of that pressure started to affect my performance. Guess what? They gave me a horrible time after that. There wasn't a week I didn't hear my name yelled, followed by "I need to see you", and then I would be chastised like a misbehaving kid. In the end it caused so much stress I fell ill, and they fired me for that (which is against the law where I live). I knew about discrimination, but if there's a place where I didn't expect it, that would definitely have been the one.
Now, I'm supposed to look for a job in a tiny industry where people know each other no matter what company they work for, so it's safe to say that my career is over & done with, at least in that field, and working on the next plan will take a while.
All because I wanted to provide reasons and prevent a decline in performance.

 

[fairy_girl]

I generally don't tell people because it came open up things that I really don't like discussing to strangers. My family already knows and for the most part are supportive, some are less then just on how they treat me. If anyone does ask I just say "I'm just me" and that's about it, everyone has something that's off about them and that's okay too.

 

[Momo]

I haven't told anybody, I suppose I might later on, but for now I see no benifit for it. Not even my family knows, and I don't think I will tell them honestly, maybe in a few years. If I had a boyfriend or the likes who I was close to I might confess my aspie status, if only to spare him from the shock of living with a hermit, but otherwise, I probably wouldn't tell anyone. Then again, I don't really talk to people in the first place...

 

[Streetwise]

there's no point you're exactly the same as before!its easier to be eccentric
people are fearful of autism its different! diagnosis can get you welfare benefits apart from that nothing has changed.

So I've been "self diagnosed" for a while but I've gotten an official diagnosis recently and it's taken a bit of getting used to. Certain traits that are autistic have stood out to be more, but I think I'm just more aware of them and more like connecting the dots of my past and behavior.

Basically, now certain things that have always bothered me but I've always just got on with I now feel like I don't want to have to deal with. It's not just me being picky or annoying, it's because I'm autistic and my brain works differently. So this has resulted in me really wanting to tell people about my diagnosis, I guess so some of my weird things can be forgiven in a way, or maybe I can be allowed to do other things (like go in my own room at work, which I can do now, but if you do it for the majority of the day it's viewed as odd and my manager will wonder where I am and if I am working).

But I'm afraid of 3 things: 1. it jeopardizing my job, which i really don't think it would, I don't think I would be fired, but I feel that it might impact it in some way, 2. people treating me differently because currently most people point out my aspie traits but they do it in a "oh that's just you" so funny kind of way, but i feel that they would either stop joking about that stuff in fear of offending me, or if they do, notice it in a more sympathetic way like oh poor you you can't understand that, and then 3. people viewing (and me feeling like i am...) my disclosure or asking for certain things as just being a way to get special treatment and have things easier......

thoughts and any similar experiences???

 

[WereBear]

I told one person at my job: my then-boss, who has a lot of IT experience and I figured would "get it."

He did. I wanted to explain why I had been taking so many sick days and gotten so many diagnoses of pneumonia and other stress-related disorders. So that covered me looking like a slacker or something.

But that's it. Likewise, in my personal life, I only told people who already accepted me for who I am, and would find this more of an explanation than a condemnation.

I also felt forced to reveal, in a way, because I had gone through years of mysterious and debilitating illness, and those who cared about me needed to know a solution had been found, and what it was.

On the other hand, I am not at all ashamed of my neurodivergency and would love to be "loud and proud." As I continue to arrange things in my life to help me adapt to my strengths and challenges, I hope to be able to do so.

 

[Ambi]

So I've been "self diagnosed" for a while but I've gotten an official diagnosis recently and it's taken a bit of getting used to. Certain traits that are autistic have stood out to be more, but I think I'm just more aware of them and more like connecting the dots of my past and behavior.

Basically, now certain things that have always bothered me but I've always just got on with I now feel like I don't want to have to deal with. It's not just me being picky or annoying, it's because I'm autistic and my brain works differently. So this has resulted in me really wanting to tell people about my diagnosis, I guess so some of my weird things can be forgiven in a way, or maybe I can be allowed to do other things (like go in my own room at work, which I can do now, but if you do it for the majority of the day it's viewed as odd and my manager will wonder where I am and if I am working).

But I'm afraid of 3 things: 1. it jeopardizing my job, which i really don't think it would, I don't think I would be fired, but I feel that it might impact it in some way, 2. people treating me differently because currently most people point out my aspie traits but they do it in a "oh that's just you" so funny kind of way, but i feel that they would either stop joking about that stuff in fear of offending me, or if they do, notice it in a more sympathetic way like oh poor you you can't understand that, and then 3. people viewing (and me feeling like i am...) my disclosure or asking for certain things as just being a way to get special treatment and have things easier......

thoughts and any similar experiences???

I think your instincts (your 3 fears) are spot on - these are some of the reasons why I never tell people, even though that can be hard since we are honest to a fault, also because I like to provide data because I think it will be helpful for others the way that it is helpful for me.

 

[louloulovesdogs]

If I were asked a yes or no question on whether or not I want to be an openly out Aspie rather than an Aspie in hiding, I would say yes, definitely out, but I'm at a stage where I have nothing to lose and everything to gain, so it really makes the choice easy. If anything, being upfront about it actually helps shield me from letting prejudiced people in my life.

That being said, I would be more nuanced in my recommendations pertaining to your particular situation. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong:
- You said you had self-diagnosed, so I take it that at the moment this is the furthest stage of diagnosis you've reached, correct? If that is the case, I would strongly advise against disclosing the diagnosis, because self-diagnoses, being unofficial, have no real value in the workplace. You never know how people may react to a diagnosis, but disclosing an unofficial (therefore, not vetted by a professional) diagnosis is like Pandora opening that notorious box. Do note that I'm not challenging the accuracy of your diagnosis, but I can tell you for a fact that other people, in the outside world, will.

- On that note: assuming you get an official diagnosis, people will very likely challenge it still because you are a woman, and for most people who are uneducated on autism, females can't be Aspies, period (pun not intended). Have you had a chance to look at the thread on not looking autistic? (Can't recall the title, but the exact phrase "you don't look autistic" should work in the forum's search engine)

- Your expectations vs. NT perception. You see how the diagnosis provides reasons for your needs & behavior, because you use logic and you probably have enough self-awareness. It's a fairly safe bet to say that most people on the receiving end will not understand your message like this, and will be super quick to claim that you're making excuses, because they don't know you as well as you do, they don't know autism (be especially aware of those who think they know a little, as they tend to think their brief experience means they have extensive knowledge of all things autistic -- I call it mistaking their ignorance for knowledge), and any bias, conscious or not, that they might have will come to the surface.

My bottom line is it will have an impact, people will treat you differently (for better or worse), and some people will think you're pulling a card for an easy way out, because that's their mentality.

I was self diagnosed for a while but recently obtained an official diagnosis, so that's why i'm thinking about it now. I'll check out that other thread though, thanks!