What's your experience of "small talk"

[Full Steam]

I would define small talk (for me) as idle chat about nothing between people not about a common or specific topic.

My experience feels like I'm feeding the situation itself. I'm not doing it for myself, and I'd love to have avoided the situation altogether. Now I'm hoping to feed the situation the acceptable words in order to not appear weird or upset the other person, and draw the situation to a close.

What I find interesting is that I'm not doing it for myself OR the other person, meaning it's wholly pointless. My focus is on the situation itself, and providing for its needs.

If I could have got away with a smile and a "Hi", we'd all have been better off.

 

[xudo]

I can't do small talk. It's alien to me, and I just don't understand how other people seem to intuitively know how to do it. I hate it when some random stranger tries to engage me in small talk, say at a bus stop or something. I always have my iPod on, and yet people will still try to talk to me. I usually come across awkward in chit chat situations, and only reply with short 'yes' or 'no' answers or sort of try to feign a laugh if they've said something jokingly (for example "never a bus when you want one.")

People sometimes look at me like I'm rude I guess, because I think it comes across like I'm not interested (which I'm not, but I know I should at least feign it which I think I'm doing) or because I don't carry on the idle chat.

 

[Judge]

Experience? Somewhere between annoying and agonizing. Unless it borders on some tangent involving something I know about in part or whole.

Otherwise it's like going to hell in first gear.

Responding with brief answers in hope they will eventually disengage with me.

 

[gregmcph]

It's the glue that holds people together.
Here is a little bit of me, and you give back a little bit of you. And bonds are made.
When you brush it off that bonding is lost. You aren't part of that person's life.

The hardcore bonding... "How is your neice? Did she have her surgery yet? How is her son?". etc... That's the real skill. Remembering and feeling for their family. But that needs more than mere words and memory. It needs the emotional oomph behind it.

 

[DudBomb]

I can usually tell if someone's intentions are "genuine", even when others can't. Like, "they were one of the nicest persons I ever met, always kept to themselves. I cant believe they did that". This type of person I get extremely anxious around especially when talking to them. Unfortunately I tend to attract bullying narcissistic soul leaches. As if I have a sign taped to my spirit saying, "kick me". I'm no saint though.

I cry when I rage. On the one hand I want to release on someone so, so bad, on the other hand, it makes me really sad to be feeling those feelings. I've never hurt anyone, but at 6'5" 380 pounds I sure have scared the poop out of them.

To avoid attention I stim by tightening my scalp and behind the ear muscles then holding it. I have done it long enough that it has become a reflex. Took a year or so for it to stop hurting from holding it so long. Now they stay a little tense all the time.

Anyways, when I'm around people that seem to have genuine intentions, I can be just as tense but like on a amphetamine high. Start asking questions and my mind may go blank. If it is someone I am romantically atracted to, and I may not be able to form complete sentences. A little stuttering sometimes thrown for good measure.


I don't know about you but I sure feel better.

 

[Steff]

I survive it by moving the conversation to a deeper topic as quickly as possible, if the other person can't make the transition then they feel inadequate and find a way to extricate themselves while I either get out of small talk or find that this new person has things to contribute to an actual conversation. The key to this is being kind and polite in your wording and overall manner of speaking when you make the transition.

 

[Ambi]

I hate small talk. I have learned to make my own version of it, but it feels fake to me - I think I convince others that I am being nice. However, I think NT small talk has a lot more purpose than I had previously thought (and more than I can use it for). It's not just meaningless chitter/chatter as I had thought - I think they are feeling each other out, determining social alliances and standings, possibilities of future relationships even at times. That's why others start with chit chat and then become friends - but for me the small talk never progresses to anything else. The next time I see that person, I will engage in the same level of small talk, over and over again. I hate it. And eventually it strikes others as weird that I don't progress to a different level conversationally and relationship-wise. It's so incredibly pointless the way that I do it, and I don't like it. BUT.....it is what apparently at least convinces people that I am a safe or okay person - otherwise they tend to think I am solely aloof or snobby. Even when I do converse more deeply, it's usually about facts - so they still don't really get to know me. Oh well. I have noticed some people also enjoy discussing topics/facts - but bonding never happens with me, which does happen with others as they actually *use* conversation to forge relationships.

 

[When In Rome]

My experience of small talk is an irritating tv show hosted by Ronnie Corbett OR quite a nice album track by Scritti Politti!

 

[MrSpock]

A lot of people tell me I should talk more, I think that getting better at small talk would be a big improvement to my social skills. But I really don't like it. Participating makes me feel fake, I have no interest in participating and so when I do I'm not sharing myself at all. But I suspect that NTs are doing exactly that.

Apparently some people get as much information from others through body language and facial expression as they get from words, and I consider it possible that the actual conversation can become almost irrelevant to them. This would explain how they can sit through it, and actually want to do it.

I don't like that the conversation moves on before anything can really be discussed on a given topic. Sometimes small talk will hit something I'm interested in, but not for long enough to actually produce something of interest, it never seems to be pithy enough to either demand thought or produce food for thought. In short, it never seems to fulfill the purpose of conversation the way I see it. If it (the small talk, not the topic) continues for long enough I might offend people by simply not participating. I've found myself drifting off, thinking about something interesting while others talk about nothing, even when one of the other people is someone I love and really don't want to offend, if I actually felt that she was sharing herself with me through the words I would be very attentive. But that is not what happens. It's actually a very difficult task to continue to pay attention to something so boring. Ugh. I have to get better at small talk. Ugh.

 

[Suzanne]

My experience involves listening out of politeness and wondering what the heck? How do I get out of this mind numbing situation?

Conversily, they think the same when I talk, because I get excited talking about that is happening in the world.

I do tend to be able to avoid, because I am not a favoured one to talk with.

But in fairness, we all do small talk in some situation. I know I have, just to break the silence. Others, I know think the opposite, but when silence is louder than noise, I cannot cope. Happily, don't get myself into those situations much these days.

 

[Full Steam]

A lot of people tell me I should talk more, I think that getting better at small talk would be a big improvement to my social skills. But I really don't like it. Participating makes me feel fake, I have no interest in participating and so when I do I'm not sharing myself at all. But I suspect that NTs are doing exactly that.

Apparently some people get as much information from others through body language and facial expression as they get from words, and I consider it possible that the actual conversation can become almost irrelevant to them. This would explain how they can sit through it, and actually want to do it.

I don't like that the conversation moves on before anything can really be discussed on a given topic. Sometimes small talk will hit something I'm interested in, but not for long enough to actually produce something of interest, it never seems to be pithy enough to either demand thought or produce food for thought. In short, it never seems to fulfill the purpose of conversation the way I see it. If it (the small talk, not the topic) continues for long enough I might offend people by simply not participating. I've found myself drifting off, thinking about something interesting while others talk about nothing, even when one of the other people is someone I love and really don't want to offend, if I actually felt that she was sharing herself with me through the words I would be very attentive. But that is not what happens. It's actually a very difficult task to continue to pay attention to something so boring. Ugh. I have to get better at small talk. Ugh.

Getting better at something you don't like, and don't see the point of might be hard

These days I try to see how I can make things fit me better rather than the other way around ( at least that seems true right now).

 

[MrSpock]

I'll never get the same thing out of it that NTs seem to, in that way I may never see the point of it. Ironically the point of it from my perspective is exactly to make things fit me better, to have another tool in my kit which will allow me to better choose who I can be around and to make it easier to be around those who I must be around to engage in my chosen activities.

But if I don't get any better at it I won't be too surprised or upset.

 

[OkRad]

I am very good at the first few interactions. But after about the 3rd one, it gets awkward. I want to do it, because it is very important. I have learned that small talk IS conversation the NTs.

Most of the world is not sitting around wondering about Aristotle's Metaphysics, much to my shock when I was about 17.....I really , really thought that at least uni studients WERE all sitting around wondering about that stuff.

I do small talk for the first three times and then two things happen:

1. I start to withdrawal BIG TIME, like just stop talking.

2. I write notes to people.

3. I refuse small talk and only talk bog stuff which makes people back away and problem solved! I don't do this on purpose. I just can't NOT talk Aristolte and Can't fake anymore than they can fake.

4. I still try to smile....well, not always.

5. CLing to my books in public. So as not to hurt anyone. I don't want to hurt anyone. I really DO want to connect. Once in a while it happens. But rarely.

 

[Diagnosed2015]

I'm extremely comfortable with small talk, especially if there is something we share in common, or I can make someone chuckle or laugh.

The person who drove me to a doctor appointment yesterday was overly polite and covered in tattoos (and a bit younger) than me, but from the moment I got in, we were laughing and sharing stories. We both shared that we had ADHD and chronic pain, and all sort of stuff.

We were talking instead of paying attention and he drove past my stop. When I got out, he asked if I was on Facebook.

I meet some of the nicest people through small talk. I don't necessarily want anything more than fun conversation (I'm all about personality, backgrounds, stories, etc.) and laughs, but we shared my idea for a book subject and he said he'd contact me through Facebook (since he already had my name on his roster list).

In fact, when the cable guy set up my TWO boxes (?) -- it's in one room -- he handed me his phone number (at home) and told me to call if I had any problems. Things like that always happen to me.

People just assume, I guess, that if I'm easy to talk to -- that I'll call them. And no, if I don't know about a subject, I don't speak up. I listen. Unless it's boring, and then I either leave, ignore, or pull out crossword puzzles to tune out the chatter.

 

[Nicci]

Small talk. I honestly feel like I've gotten better at it. Sometimes. But it still feels pointless and unsatisfying to me.
With people I don't know at all and have no interest in getting to know, it's nothing but annoying and exasperating. I wanna just yell at them to leave me alone and that I'm not here for their entertainment.
With people I know or am in the process of getting to know, I will often engage in what feels like pointless conversation to me, because I know it's not pointless to many NTs. Usually though, I'm dying to get to the deeper and meaningful conversations. But it's very unclear to me when and where it's okay to go there. So often I just don't (unless they do.)
With people I know well though, I've noticed that I actually use small talk to gather small bits of information about the person, and I add that to my "library" of info that can help me understand that person. So really it's not always as useless as it seems.

 

[RabbitHeartedGirl]

I would define small talk (for me) as idle chat about nothing between people not about a common or specific topic.

My experience feels like I'm feeding the situation itself. I'm not doing it for myself, and I'd love to have avoided the situation altogether. Now I'm hoping to feed the situation the acceptable words in order to not appear weird or upset the other person, and draw the situation to a close.

What I find interesting is that I'm not doing it for myself OR the other person, meaning it's wholly pointless. My focus is on the situation itself, and providing for its needs.

If I could have got away with a smile and a "Hi", we'd all have been better off.

I'm NT and really hate small talk. I've actually wondered (not for this reason but a collection of others) if I fall on the very low, low end of the spectrum.

I used to have a horrible time dating because I hate the BS conversation that feels forced. "Where did you grow up? How many siblings? Favorite color" etc. like. Let s have a conversation and stop trying to talk about things no one cares about. Does it matter how many siblings I have?! Lol

I've learned how to get past this mostly but it's still really annoying.

 

[Judge]

I'm NT and really hate small talk. I've actually wondered (not for this reason but a collection of others) if I fall on the very low, low end of the spectrum.

I used to have a horrible time dating because I hate the BS conversation that feels forced. "Where did you grow up? How many siblings? Favorite color" etc. like. Let s have a chance versatile and stop trying to talk about things no one cares about. Does it matter how many siblings I have?! Lol

I've learned how to get past this mostly but it's still really annoying.

Interesting. Though I have one question. Do you simply loathe small-talk, or does it also involve some inherent degree of difficulty in maintaining this kind of conversation in real-time?

For many of us this can be a struggle in real-time. It's what makes small talk particularly unpleasant, having to muster the right words over "something that is nothing" in an instant. A communicative skill-set that we may neurologically and objectively lack.

It's like being "put on the spot" and for no good reason.

 

[RabbitHeartedGirl]

Interesting. Though I have one question. Do you simply loathe small-talk, or does it also involve some inherent degree of difficulty in maintaining this kind of conversation in real-time?

For many of us this can be a struggle in real-time. It's what makes small talk particularly unpleasant, having to muster the right words over "something that is nothing" in an instant. A communicative skill-set that we may neurologically and objectively lack.

It's like being "put on the spot" and for no good reason.

I'd say it's varying degrees of both. For one, I have zero interest in what someone's favorite color is or if they have 5 siblings, but I know some people love that ****. Or the dreaded "what do you do for fun?" I hate that question the most. Like, what does anyone do for fun? Fir me it's something that varies on my mood, the day, the weather, whatever. And almost without fail, when asked the same question, people have the same awkward response. I don't get why people don't just start talking and let things flow or just not talk lol

The funny thing about this is I'm super extroverted and can make conversation with any stranger when I overhear them talking about something that interests me. Just don't make me small talk lol

 

[garnetflower13]

The interesting thing that I have been experiencing with small talk, is being paid to do it. I recently started working with a software developing company who hired me and several others to chat in a chat room. At first I found this very frustrating (I hate chat rooms) but knowing that I am being paid to do it made me give it a shot.

The first thing is that I feel very constricted because I can't monologue, only write once or two sentences at a time. This means that I must condense whatever it was that I was going to say, and quickly too. And that I have to trim it down to shallow, surface observations instead of deep, intense thoughts. But the oddest thing of all (to me) is that I now understand how to do small talk. By mimicking others there, I can do it. It is still very unsatisfying and at times frustrating but the only reason I do it is for money.

 

[Aaron Agassi]

small talk