What's wrong with me

[Robby]

Ok I am going to post here for some input because I don't feel anyone up to now had been able to help me figure out what's going on with me. I have had the same symptoms for years since middle/high school. They are, rapid, sudden mood swings on the drop of a hat, that go from zero to 100 in seconds, sometimes a few times a day. I can be feeling relatively calm but then something will set me off into a rage and I will see only red and flip out. I get very very angry. It could be anything from seeing an unclean house to a scratch on my car to feeling slighted by someone. This can also be extreme sadness, I could be fine but the next moment feel deeply deeply sad or depressed but not too long after, feel fairly calm again. During these times too, I can get extremely amped up and act very impulsively,which has gotten me into some financial trouble because I tend to impulse buy if I'm feeling amped up, excited, or antsy. I tend to get this amped up, hyper aware mood that seems to overpower the rest, that dominates my personality. My mood swings seem to be getting worse. They are occuring multiple times a day. I got into a major shouting and raging match against my friend because I felt her cat had scratched my car. I lost it. I never get violent, but I just rage and shout. Or if it's sadness, I will lock myself in my room until (usually an hour or two later) my mood will improve. As I said these moods can change rapidly and on the drop of a hat. I also along with all of this have a terribly short attention span and am extremely easily distracted. I also have a history since I can remember of feeling very unstable. I tend to get intense interests for a short time in something, then rapidly lose interest, then come back to it again. This lately has also cost me a ton of money. But it's like I get these intense compulsions in line with my mood swings, and I don't feel in control of myself.

I just want to know what's going on with me. I was told at one point (largely by my own suggestion at the time) that I was very midly autistic but I now highly doubt this because I don't fit any of the autism characteristics. I am very verbal, very in tune with facial recognition, and have no problems at all socializing. I was told by one psychiatrist that I was bipolar, but I don't have a mood that lasts for months on end. My moods can shift rapidly during one day. I am having rather extreme thoughts of being excluded and persecuted by people, and not included. I am also during my fairly brief depressive states having suicidal thoughts. I am prescribed lexapro for anxiety but I secretly am not taking it because I am afraid of anti depressants. I only take xanax as needed for anxiety. Most of this I have not told my current psychiatrist I guess because I have been afraid to. I feel increasingly like I am out of control in my own head due to the mood swings I get. Does anyone here relate to these symptoms? What do they sound like? Thanks for reading and for any insights!

 

[Streetwise]

you have got to tell your doctor what youve done is take a powerful medicine and then stop.it too quickly
stopping it that quickly will cause withdrawal you have to wean yourself slowly i did the same thing as you what i did is called going cold turkey or for phobias flooding xanax cant control what youve done
tell the gp.about the occasional xanax use i can tell you down the line IVE committed suicide partly accidentally and you DONT want to be under the thumb of the medical.profession as to how many tablets you are given a week
as withdrawal can make you a candidate for irritational decisions
do you self medicate with alcohol at all
tell your gp everything

Ok I am going to post here for some input because I don't feel anyone up to now had been able to help me figure out what's going on with me. I have had the same symptoms for years since middle/high school. They are, rapid, sudden mood swings on the drop of a hat, that go from zero to 100 in seconds, sometimes a few times a day. I can be feeling relatively calm but then something will set me off into a rage and I will see only red and flip out. I get very very angry. It could be anything from seeing an unclean house to a scratch on my car to feeling slighted by someone. This can also be extreme sadness, I could be fine but the next moment feel deeply deeply sad or depressed but not too long after, feel fairly calm again. During these times too, I can get extremely amped up and act very impulsively,which has gotten me into some financial trouble because I tend to impulse buy if I'm feeling amped up, excited, or antsy. I tend to get this amped up, hyper aware mood that seems to overpower the rest, that dominates my personality. My mood swings seem to be getting worse. They are occuring multiple times a day. I got into a major shouting and raging match against my friend because I felt her cat had scratched my car. I lost it. I never get violent, but I just rage and shout. Or if it's sadness, I will lock myself in my room until (usually an hour or two later) my mood will improve. As I said these moods can change rapidly and on the drop of a hat. I also along with all of this have a terribly short attention span and am extremely easily distracted. I also have a history since I can remember of feeling very unstable. I tend to get intense interests for a short time in something, then rapidly lose interest, then come back to it again. This lately has also cost me a ton of money. But it's like I get these intense compulsions in line with my mood swings, and I don't feel in control of myself.

I just want to know what's going on with me. I was told at one point (largely by my own suggestion at the time) that I was very midly autistic but I now highly doubt this because I don't fit any of the autism characteristics. I am very verbal, very in tune with facial recognition, and have no problems at all socializing. I was told by one psychiatrist that I was bipolar, but I don't have a mood that lasts for months on end. My moods can shift rapidly during one day. I am having rather extreme thoughts of being excluded and persecuted by people, and not included. I am also during my fairly brief depressive states having suicidal thoughts. I am prescribed lexapro for anxiety but I secretly am not taking it because I am afraid of anti depressants. I only take xanax as needed for anxiety. Most of this I have not told my current psychiatrist I guess because I have been afraid to. I feel increasingly like I am out of control in my own head due to the mood swings I get. Does anyone here relate to these symptoms? What do they sound like? Thanks for reading and for any insights!

 

[Judge]

Sounds like classic symptoms of bipolar disorder Robby. Though no, I'm not any kind of medical professional. The sort of thing that as @Streetwise suggested, you need to discuss with your physician. Forms of depression though can certainly be comorbid to ASD.

What Is Bipolar Disorder?

 

[Joel's Hear]

I don't believe labels can be ever really accurate, but you sound kind of like my uncle (one of the kinder family members I have had). He I believe was aspergers but due to the need to fit in, hold a job, and a desire to leave his parents he wired his brain differently. He is now diagnosed bipolar but I believe his roots were autistic but that he changed himself. He's a good man and like you never violent in his outbursts, but has EXTREME fluctuations of mood and personality, not from month to month but day to day or minute to minute.

I don't much trust antidepressants, but I believe Xanax can actually exacerbate your symptoms, like streetwise said.

Do you live in a weed state? I don't do any drugs but marijuana has worked wonders before for my autistic needs. I believe it could work for you too. It's not perfect, and I don't recommend smoking everyday per se , but it can ground you and get you in your mind so you can take an outside view of your life.

 

[Judge]

Hmm, it's hard to say. I've gone through periods of rage, mood swings, etc. For me, it's the PTSD. I came to the realization that my "anger" was a problem when I frightened my friends' daughter when I had a meltdown in Walmart one afternoon. I was trying to purchase a car cover for "X" amount, but it rang up totally wrong. Obviously it had been put in the wrong place on the shelf, but that didn't register at the time. I went into an irrational rage and my friends' daughter got scared and started to cry.

Whatever the case, it no doubt warrants further examination before it totally wreaks havoc on your quality of life.

I can relate to that. Happened enough to me over the years that I got so that I double-check UPCs and barcodes to make sure they match. But I don't think it takes a lot for anyone to be set off at Walmart.

 

[Jet Weiss]

Talk to your doctor.
It could be bipolar disorder as others have said, though it also sounds similar to some people I've known who have PTSD. I am just speculating, I am not an expert.
My dad was HFA and also had borderline personality disorder and he experienced very extreme mood swings and intense rage.

 

[Warmheart]

How concerning and frustrating for you. I would bring a printed copy of your very eloquent post to your primary care doctor, and let him/her read it.
A referral to a neurologist, psychiatrist, or psychologist might help identify the problem.

If it is (name of some neuro or psychological condition here), that in no way means there is anything at all "wrong" with you. Robby, you are an intelligent, kind, creative, gifted, RESILIENT person, who has a lot of friends here on AC.

Finding the right diagnosis can mean the right support, for a stronger, more stable, more well you. I'm wishing you the best success!

 

[Streetwise]

sorry IM wrong about lexapro withdrawal my asthma is at its worst so IM very muddled and foggy
but the benzodiazepine should be taken as prescribed let me tell xanax is much more powerful than lexapro
i think you have a disorder PTSD is usually associated with uncontrolled memories and auditory memory stimulated by many occurences which are distressing

 

[Robby]

Well socially I'm fine, able to hold a job, interact with others, etc. Not socially anxious at all. The autism thing never fit in my mind. Aside from some anxiety, I've never felt I fit the autism criteria. My mood swings are extreme, rapid, and sudden. Any little thing can trigger them. I also have a long history of periods of extreme impulsiveness, and occasional blackouts when I did things and did not remember doing them. I had a period of being highly sexually active and promiscuous. Occasionally, to this day, if stress gets too much to bear, I find myself being sexually active again. I fear any long term relationship with anyone, and don't like intimacy. All this aside from what I already mentioned. I have no idea what's going on, but my mood swings and feeling out of control are getting worse. Outside, I go to work, am cordial to others, but inside I am in a lot of turmoil and distress I am having unusual thoughts and really feeling disgusted by things on the drop of a hat and recently have been going off with little to no warning. I feel like my brain won't turn off a lot, and I am just trying all I can to avoid going to a certain place by just trying to live life and do as many things as I can and act out how I want because I feel like somehting is hanging over me but don't know what.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

You had the same shifting very intense emotions, impulsive episodes, but briefer symptoms as my wife. It is not Bipolar. I do not care if he is a psychiatrist or not, as changing moods that frequently and with such episodes not being much longer duration is not Bipolar. Other conditions seem to have similar symptoms as Bipolar, but with less length in durations, like for the way you described things, and so Bipolar makes no sense. I researched the similar conditions as Bipolar Disorder extensively in the past, and if anything, it seems like ADHD and/or Borderline Personality Disorder for you. Often those conditions coexist. Doctors stereotype Borderline Personality as a women's condition so they are less apt to consider that.

About ten doctors said my wife had Bipolar Disorder, but they all followed like sheep in wanting to prescribe drugs, and were likely afraid to go against their local peers. None did testing for that or much analysis she said. They looked at the surface at her suicide attempts as a child in her abusive environment as the depression part of Bipolar, and the rapid mind as manic. Nothing was further from the truth, as seen later as she never had suicide attempts living with me, in the eleven years of marriage, and the hyperactivity is constant, and not recurring bouts of mania. Any Depression living with me lasted minutes to less than an hour. Many earlier doctors said she had Generalized Anxiety Disorder. That may or may not be true. Some doctors did say Borderline Personality, and she definitely had some key signs and symptoms of that. But, for her she had every trait of ADHD, after researching such almost two years ago, and that could explain many of those similar Borderline symptoms. A nine hour neuropsychological test, broken up over three sessions, disgnosed it was severe ADHD. I cannot rule out she had/has Borderline too though.

Things did not make sense about the Bipolar though too as none of drugs were working, but making matters worse; to the point of suicidal thoughts and worsening signs and symptoms. Those doctors did not care. Insurance was paying for the long hospital stays. Both Borderline and ADHD have often rapid shifting thoughts and impulsivity, and episodes of anger, and hyperfocus issues. I notice you repeat some things in your original post and mentioned the short attention span and distractions, and you have that same writing sem-disorganized style as my wife.That combined with those other symptoms you mentioned look like ADD or ADHD, but Borderline is possible, too, from what I see.

ADHH is far more common than Borderline, but from my research those who take medication for ADHD will often have worsened signs and symptoms of Borderline. The two are very similar conditions in terms of sharing similar signs and symptoms, so one of the keys is to determine onset, and look at any genetic history. My wife's Dad had ADHD issues. Often ADHD symptoms start showing up at latest by age twelve. Borderline symptoms could show up around that time, or much before. It is not uncommon for diagnoses though for both conditions until much later.

I would give a licensed psychologist a try as well, and not just a psychiatrist who could be making things worse if you were misdiagnosed, and as future psychiatrists may not want to discredit the last one, as certain drugs could flair Borderline if that is present. I do not think that psychiatrist will ever admit he misdiagnosed. Having accurate diagnosis is important, especially for conditions that require different treatments. Borderline often does not use drugs but DBT therapy. I do though see several signs of the ADD or ADHD, but am 50/50 on the Borderline Personality.

So, Robby, you might want to research several websites for each of those conditions I mentioned, too, as there are likely other signs and symptoms you have not mentioned, too. Do not expect medical professionals to always accurately diagnose you or do your homework. They are too busy often for that. You know your signs and symptoms better than them. My wife waited 25 years to be accurately diagnosed. She had thirty five doctors growing up, and none said ADHD, until she had comprehensive testing recently. That psychologist said those all others doctors were incompetent for missing the ADHD.

 

[Jet Weiss]

I am not a professional and therefore cannot diagnose you, but you do have quite a bit in common with my dad.
Do these symptoms sound like what you are experiencing?

• An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection
• A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn't care enough or is cruel
• Rapid changes in self-identity and self-image that include shifting goals and values, and seeing yourself as bad or as if you don't exist at all
• Periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality, lasting from a few minutes to a few hours
• Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship
• Suicidal threats or behavior or self-injury, often in response to fear of separation or rejection
• Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame or anxiety
• Ongoing feelings of emptiness
• Inappropriate, intense anger, such as frequently losing your temper, being sarcastic or bitter, or having physical fights

 

[Judge]

One thing for sure, in my own case in as much as I mask my ASD and OCD, I can't say the same for my chronic clinical depression. I can remain functional, but it's when most often people ask me, "What's wrong?". Kind of like an attack of reflux. I really can't hide that either!

 

[bbc-bananasplit]

hello there, robby

I am sorry to hear about it.. I share the exact same history, and I went completely overboard at age 23. I am 26 now, and I found a solution .. to a degree.. As I tend to obsess with most things, especially this mental health condition I have done much research over the years. so, I can offer [offer only] you the following thoughts from my own experiences.

now, you are an AS and therefore we have to take a different approach. AS function differently, and the usual rules do not apply to AS. I do not think that bipolar disorder fits this: you completely lack the episodic pattern.

still, it is extreme in the amplitude of your ego/mood states. the way this presenst itsself here, is somewhat typical of AS brains. this has to do with your dopamine levels, which are generally extremely low in AS [even considered cause of it]. dopamain is the main connector in all brain functions, and it is not unusual that in AS these dopamin levels become very instable from youth onwards. usually this is a sign that something in the system is functionally inhibiting - like traumatic memories. this may appear during adolescence, as there are changes in brain chemistry at this time, where AS experience often a worsening of their problems. and such changes happen at other ages too.

I spontaneously think of following causes

A.
extreme instability of domapin levels / causing the rapid switches < caused by B and/or C

B.
a extremely stressful environment, which you cannot cope with / great pressure to function/uphold/achieve something / overreaction/coping mechanism to overpowering conditions / a double-bind situation: i.e.

>>.... I can't function and I can't fulfill requirements > If I don't fulfill requirements, the unspeakable happens > the unspeakable must not happen, I must function and fulfil requirements.... >>

C.
a traumatic experience/or a number of traumatic experiences: such as being forced to be 'normal' and NT, having denied parts or the total of your self. possibly bonding or attachment problems/trauma, trauma of loss or abandonement, social-pyschological trauma of being AS and different/wrong.. et cetera.

you may be hiding a part or all of your self - knowingly, or likely unknowingly - which may have suffered a massive negative impact at some time in your life. an event, which had to be removed from conscious experience in the instant, and burried in the memory not to be remembered. an event that would include feelings of aggression, fear, sadness, depression, loss, hatred etc.

in consequence, you may have been forced [unknowingly] to construct a false self to cope / a protective shield against the now internalized feelings. functionally viewed, the negative hidden or didn't happen memory of the event is stored in the longterm memory, labeled in a special way so that it can't be remembered. however, it creates a compensative demand: i.e. demand for recognition, which has to be fulfilled constantly so as to keep this memory from coming back into the consciousness

>> memories/internalizations of this impact are traumas.

yet, AS aren't exactely very able of upholding a false self due to social/cognition disabilities, and they may fail at fulfilling demands imposed subconsciously by such hidden/traumatic memories. plus, they are triggered easier due to thin skin. possibly such a structure which had proven functional and natural so far to you, is in danger of collapsing.

means: either you can't fulfill the demand imposed by the still hidden memory, or you have been triggered/touched in a way that this memory tries to force its way back into the consciousnes. the mind does not want this to happen: it defends. if this is the case such memory content is spilling into the consciousness at random, associated with violent defensive actions of the system against the perceived threat - which explains your violent switching. naturally, much of this energized tension seems without apparent reason. you try to hold it back, but it doesn't work. plus, it is without any concrete aim in the world: it randomly decharges itsself in everyday situations. it does not make sense to you, you see that - therefore, you feel pretty sane but simply out on control of yourself: that would not be your fault, because very primitive functions of the brain are at work here that cannot be conscioussly controlled. instead, if it were a traumatic memory problem / PTSD [similar to borderline in appearance, as Jet Weiss posted] then you need to find this memory and integrate it > invalidate its negative information so it becomes neutral. depending on what this memory is, it may be helpful to seek therapeutic help - and then this background should be explained, too.

 

[Robby]

I am not a professional and therefore cannot diagnose you, but you do have quite a bit in common with my dad.
Do these symptoms sound like what you are experiencing?

• An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection
• A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn't care enough or is cruel
• Rapid changes in self-identity and self-image that include shifting goals and values, and seeing yourself as bad or as if you don't exist at all
• Periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality, lasting from a few minutes to a few hours
• Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship
• Suicidal threats or behavior or self-injury, often in response to fear of separation or rejection
• Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame or anxiety
• Ongoing feelings of emptiness
• Inappropriate, intense anger, such as frequently losing your temper, being sarcastic or bitter, or having physical fights

YES this describes me almost perfectly what I experience! That is, when I am feeling stable enough to even be aware of them. I have experienced these in different degrees since my late teens! I have cut off contact with people abrubtly, sometimes on the drop of a hat if I feel slighted by a comment or a look or something like that. You pretty much stated perfectly what I deal with.

 

[Robby]

Also beginning in middle school, I began having extreme academic problems in school. I could simply not focus, or concentrate long enough to retain any information at all. I just could not remember anything, and so I flunked many tests. Same thing in college. Focus is just horrendous. Interestingly, I was and still am a model behavioral student, never had any issues at all with acting out or anything in school. It was simply a matter of not being able to study or retain focus to retain info so I would always flunk tests or do really bad on them.
And that in addition to intense instability, rapidly shifting thoughts, moods, and very impulsive behavior, spending sprees, rapidly shifting interests, being euphoric and vivacious with people, outgoing, but in the span of one day, experiencing depressive thoughts verging on suicide, to contentment, to sudden enraged thoughts to the point of anger so intense I either explode and throw and slam things and grit my teeth constantly. I'm just tired a lot this is wearing me out.

I often feel like I am unsure of myself and who I am. I have these blackouts where I don't remember certain things and when I feel somewhat stable even, I often don't seem to know myself very well. I have these drastic rapid shifts.
Really don't know what you are meaning by "hidden memories" how can a memory be hidden for an adult such as myself. I find that ridiculous. I think it's just a matter of my moods being out of whack.

 

[Jet Weiss]

YES this describes me almost perfectly what I experience! That is, when I am feeling stable enough to even be aware of them. I have experienced these in different degrees since my late teens! I have cut off contact with people abrubtly, sometimes on the drop of a hat if I feel slighted by a comment or a look or something like that. You pretty much stated perfectly what I deal with.

I am glad my post was helpful to you
Those symptoms are of borderline personality disorder. My dad had BPD (and was HFA).
The best course of action is to get in touch with your doctor so that you can obtain a formal diagnosis.
Best of luck

 

[Robby]

The only way I can describe it increasingly is that I feel constantly on edge, as if I am on the edge of a cliff or something in my head, and I always force myself to focus on the tasks at hand to try and reign myself in and be productive and try to look forwards. I don't know about hidden memories thing never really thought about that much. Ughh it's just getting worse and worse this feeling so frustrated and on edge all the time like I am up against something but don't know what. I feel like I'm going crazy a lot.

Do you know when you're talking to someone and they are talking and you have something you really want to say but then you forget it and no matter how hard you try you cannot remember what it was and you just feel completely blank and just have to carry on? Or have a dream and just cannot remember it? That's how I feel in my head a lot, aside from all the mood swings. It's so frustrating and infuriating!

 

[Blast off]

Sounds like it could be manic depression (not sure if it's the same as bipolar disorder). I have clinical depression and am on the asd scale and I sometimes share similar symptoms, especially when I am off my meds. You also should be careful with Xanax it's very addictive and can easily lead to withdrawal's, which can also induce similar symptoms.
I would talk to your doctor and maybe do like someone suggested before, copy this post and show it to them. You are in a kind of dangerous mode, and though I don't know you, I'd hate to see things get worse.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Also beginning in middle school, I began having extreme academic problems in school. I could simply not focus, or concentrate long enough to retain any information at all. I just could not remember anything, and so I flunked many tests. Same thing in college. Focus is just horrendous. Interestingly, I was and still am a model behavioral student, never had any issues at all with acting out or anything in school. It was simply a matter of not being able to study or retain focus to retain info so I would always flunk tests or do really bad on them.
And that in addition to intense instability, rapidly shifting thoughts, moods, and very impulsive behavior, spending sprees, rapidly shifting interests, being euphoric and vivacious with people, outgoing, but in the span of one day, experiencing depressive thoughts verging on suicide, to contentment, to sudden enraged thoughts to the point of anger so intense I either explode and throw and slam things and grit my teeth constantly. I'm just tired a lot this is wearing me out.

I often feel like I am unsure of myself and who I am. I have these blackouts where I don't remember certain things and when I feel somewhat stable even, I often don't seem to know myself very well. I have these drastic rapid shifts.
Really don't know what you are meaning by "hidden memories" how can a memory be hidden for an adult such as myself. I find that ridiculous. I think it's just a matter of my moods being out of whack.

Sounds like both of those confitions I suspected that I had mentioned, after reading your reply to Jett's post of you relating to those symptoms perfectly, and after seeing more and more you talking about those concentration, memory and focus issues, and your problems at school because of such. I certainly would get another diagnostic evaluation, a more comprehensive one, as that last psychiatrist must have flunked many tests too. That is not a knock on you, but him, as my wife has those issues and so I understand all those difficulties. I just get frustrated at doctors who the public members supposedly are supposed to trust, because of their training and credentials, but who instead often do not know how to evaluate properly or want to evaluate properly. For those who trust doctors, good for you. Do everything they say. I do not. They need to earn that trust.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Yes, Manic Depression is the same as Bipolar Disorder. But, despite that psychiatrist diagnosing that, that diagnosis does not make sense, as his symptoms are rapidly changing. In other words, there are not long bouts of depression, and not long mania episodes according to him. According to Robby the symptoms that Jett listed described him perfectly, which was Borderline Personality, which often gets confused with Manic Depression/Bipolar Disorder. I personally think he has the ADD and the Borderline from reading all his posts. He would want further diagnostics though from another doctor.