What stands between you and happiness?

[Calibar]

If you believe you could be happier, what is it that you currently do not posses that think would make you happier? What do you believe would be the best method to go about attaining it? Has there ever been anything in the past that seemed impossible to achieve that you successfully achieved?
I am curious to know what issues others with ASD have, and how they have overcome them if possible.

Personally I dislike my job. It is too stressful and and not very enjoyable. I will soon start looking for another job that I may like more (still in software development). Until I do find another job I will keep my current one. I have gained good experience and made good money here. Such things come before temporary (or even prolonged) distress.
Another thing that stands between me and happiness is forming good relationships with others (especially romantically). My facial expressions are often blank or too serious. People often think I have something against them which makes life harder. Even when people like me I feel that if the discussion goes on for too long they will come to believe I dislike them and they will be offended, which in turn increases my anxiety. I don't believe this can be prevented. I can minimize the damage by eventually telling them about my disorder and that it is not personal. For very close relationships I think I would prefer people with similar disorders so that I could be myself with them. Summoning the balls to go through with such things will likely not be easy.

As for something that I thought was very difficult but I achieved, that would have to be a relatively high paying, stable job. I initially finished my degree in something else but studied comp sci afterwards. I was determined and learned well. I went to comp sci because it was in demand at the time (3 years ago completed my courses). I got a job shortly after and I have been doing quite well through hard work and talent, despite management voicing concern over my occasional defiance and anger. The smart choice I eventually made was to choose a field in demand. We are at a disadvantage generally, so lowering the amount of completion is always a good idea. Once a job is secured hard work and determination are required to keep it and be successful.

 

[Tyrantus1212]

Hello Calibar, and welcome to AC. You've made the right decision by joining, I'm new on here too. I believe that what I've never possessed as the key to being happier is the ability to control my anxieties, which are extremely severe. I went to a psychologist and he suggested that I try a method to manage these anxieties; for details, see my thread on here called "Managing Anxieties - the FLOAT Method". It's basically a way of looking around and determining if there is any real-life basis for any given intrusive thought that comes into my head, and it will take a while to master.

Now, on to the work topic. I can relate. I too happen to be a software developer, with a computer science Bachelor's degree from college. I'm very skilled at programming but I'm terrible at common sense and problem solving, and by some miracle of God I managed to keep this job for 5+ years. I hate getting up at 7 in the morning and I hate being glued to a computer for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. I've screwed up a lot due to my anxieties, lack of common sense and constantly making assumptions. I've ruined my relationships with coworkers due to my terrible social skills, tactlessness, constantly worrying and seeking reassurance from them (and then not believing them anyway), rambling about random stuff, self-loathing, stubbornness, negative attitude, whining and complaining, never letting go of the past, excuse-making, I could go on...all this combined made work just not fun. I feel like I'm a terrible employee. How in the world am I still there? One of my coworkers suspected I had Asperger's, and frankly so did I. These coworkers do think that I'm a good guy and all but I still believe that something has changed over the years. I've gotten into spats with two of them and it was no fun, it made the self-loathing ten times worse. I've been afraid to utter a single word to them months after the spats. I'm extremely sensitive to other people's reactions. Everyone at my job adapts so much faster than I am, they all work and learn so much faster than I do. They're all either married, engaged, or have been married in the past, while I haven't even gone on a date in my entire life and I'm almost 30 years old. They all have dogs or cats; I'm scared of dogs and allergic to cats. They all have so many friends, and I've only been able to form 3 over the past couple of years. I keep going to work every day feeling like the odd duck, an alien from the moon even. These people do care about me and try to help me improve, and I love that - but that doesn't change the fact that I constantly drive them up the wall crazy without ever meaning to, and that I am so much different from all of them. You think this is bad? Don't even get me started about college, I was a gazillion times worse there. That would actually require an entire thread of its own.

I'm sorry you're having trouble at work Calibar, and know that you are not alone. We're all here to gain more insight on our disorder and help ourselves improve - at work, and just at life in general. Always remember this - the very fact that you signed up for AC already means that you are trying to improve, you are making the effort. This will take time, I know that from experience and have been told by my psychologist.

 

[SusanLR]

Hello Calibar, and welcome to AC. You've made the right decision by joining, I'm new on here too. I believe that what I've never possessed as the key to being happier is the ability to control my anxieties, which are extremely severe. I went to a psychologist and he suggested that I try a method to manage these anxieties; for details, see my thread on here called "Managing Anxieties - the FLOAT Method". It's basically a way of looking around and determining if there is any real-life basis for any given intrusive thought that comes into my head, and it will take a while to master.

Now, on to the work topic. I can relate. I too happen to be a software developer, with a computer science Bachelor's degree from college. I'm very skilled at programming but I'm terrible at common sense and problem solving, and by some miracle of God I managed to keep this job for 5+ years. I hate getting up at 7 in the morning and I hate being glued to a computer for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. I've screwed up a lot due to my anxieties, lack of common sense and constantly making assumptions. I've ruined my relationships with coworkers due to my terrible social skills, tactlessness, constantly worrying and seeking reassurance from them (and then not believing them anyway), rambling about random stuff, self-loathing, stubbornness, negative attitude, whining and complaining, never letting go of the past, excuse-making, I could go on...all this combined made work just not fun. I feel like I'm a terrible employee. How in the world am I still there? One of my coworkers suspected I had Asperger's, and frankly so did I. These coworkers do think that I'm a good guy and all but I still believe that something has changed over the years. I've gotten into spats with two of them and it was no fun, it made the self-loathing ten times worse. I've been afraid to utter a single word to them months after the spats. I'm extremely sensitive to other people's reactions. Everyone at my job adapts so much faster than I am, they all work and learn so much faster than I do. They're all either married, engaged, or have been married in the past, while I haven't even gone on a date in my entire life and I'm almost 30 years old. They all have dogs or cats; I'm scared of dogs and allergic to cats. They all have so many friends, and I've only been able to form 3 over the past couple of years. I keep going to work every day feeling like the odd duck, an alien from the moon even. These people do care about me and try to help me improve, and I love that - but that doesn't change the fact that I constantly drive them up the wall crazy without ever meaning to, and that I am so much different from all of them. You think this is bad? Don't even get me started about college, I was a gazillion times worse there. That would actually require an entire thread of its own.

I'm sorry you're having trouble at work Calibar, and know that you are not alone. We're all here to gain more insight on our disorder and help ourselves improve - at work, and just at life in general. Always remember this - the very fact that you signed up for AC already means that you are trying to improve, you are making the effort. This will take time, I know that from experience and have been told by my psychologist.

Some how I knew from the start we shared a lot of common experiences. Maybe a lot of us do. I'm still new and finding so much in common with others here.
Reading what you said about ruining relationships with co-workers sounds like my life in general.
I didn't learn to drive until I was 21 and then it was through private training. I never had a date until I was 25 and the three relationships I had feelings for fell apart within a year. I'm allergic to cats and dogs aren't my favourite for a pet although I've had a few. I think I've had about everything for a pet! The house was like a zoo when I was in my teens. Currently I have 10 tree frogs in my pool enclosure and just added a muticoloured grasshopper I found that had one of his jumping legs missing. Made a special cage and living plants for him. I raise Monarch Butterflies from the caterpiller stage.
I want an Iguana. I just enjoy odd pets.

As far as work, I was in Pharmaceuticals most my life. Fortunately I found the perfect wholesale company where I mainly worked in my own room there, made deliveries in my own van and helped fill scripts as a tech.
I guess what has stood between me and happiness has been my anxieties too. I've had other health problems and on disability now. But, my worst prison was inside my own head. High IQ, no common sense? Yeah, I hear you on it all. Carry on! Wishing happiness for everyone here.

 

[Danny 74]

Helloooo calibar.....! Having a farm right out in the countryside would be ideal for me... Peace & quiet.. No noisy neighbors........!

 

[xudo]

I think that honestly, the main thing that stands in between me and happiness is myself. There's things I'd like to do, but I sabotage myself a lot and I don't have that drive to really push myself.

 

[ksheehan88]

Me.

 

[Nitro]

Absolutely nothing at this stage of the game.

I got a second chance at life,so every second from that point out became special to me.

 

[WereBear]

For me, getting a diagnosis late in life transformed my goals and ambitions.

I realized I was not going to advance in my current profession because of the social aspects it would require. And my attempt to transition to a different profession would require me moving. Having started late on retirement savings (hah!) meant that I didn't really have a retirement.

However, I did have a source of money I could leverage into building a business for myself and my husband to use as retirement; it is computer based and stuff we like to do anyway.

This became my new plan.

 

[Judge]

What stands between you and happiness?

Formally diagnosed chronic clinical depression. Yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Dulling my depression over the years with meds took away some of the pain, but never facilitated joy into my life. Happiness is much like jealousy or envy for me. It simply isn't there.

Too bad I couldn't be around for my own autopsy results. Ok, at least I have a sense of humor.

 

[icesyckel]

Me, myself, and I...

...and then everyone else.

 

[Questella]

The universe and it's own ideas of how things should be. >: Stupid universe. It could at least give me a heads up sometimes I swear.

 

[Gritches]

I guess what stands between me and happiness is fixing a life I screwed up, a teenage+early adulthood I frittered away proving to everyone around me how tough I am and how little I'm afraid to die or go to prison. It amounted to nothing, now I have a lot of time to make up for.

 

[Mia]

Nothing, it's a choice we all make at one time or many times in our lives. It's easier to choose to be unhappy, in that way we prevent ourselves from achieving it. No one is happy all the time, there are moments only.

 

[Tyrantus1212]

I think that honestly, the main thing that stands in between me and happiness is myself. There's things I'd like to do, but I sabotage myself a lot and I don't have that drive to really push myself.

Myself is another description I would give about what stands between my own happiness and, well, myself. I feel like I've been doing a really bad job trying to control my inner demons, so it's really all on me. Here I am almost 30 years old and only now am I seeing a psychologist. I don't have a drive to push myself in many aspects of my life, yet at the same time I have extreme perseverance in a select few areas of life. Friends, for example - I'm extremely clingy to them. I went through most of my life having zero friends and this is really important to me. Now about to drive to push myself - the pun here is not intended, but I never pushed myself in terms of learning how to drive and driving regularly. I only started ACTUALLY driving at 27, and to this day I'm still just borrowing a car. I've always thought of myself as...odd, yet complex. Yet at the same time I'm not even all that interesting. I didn't drive because of my immense fear of hit and run. I can say that I'm happy to drive only because it makes me more independent, and I know that the only person who stopped me from driving was me. This is only the tip of the iceberg. I really do want to be A LOT happier than I currently am, and I know in my heart of hearts that in many cases I'm not, and I tend to put on this facade (which in turn makes me believe that I'm a liar, and I hate lying).

 

[Gritches]

Myself is another description I would give about what stands between my own happiness and, well, myself. I feel like I've been doing a really bad job trying to control my inner demons, so it's really all on me. Here I am almost 30 years old and only now am I seeing a psychologist. I don't have a drive to push myself in many aspects of my life, yet at the same time I have extreme perseverance in a select few areas of life. Friends, for example - I'm extremely clingy to them. I went through most of my life having zero friends and this is really important to me. Now about to drive to push myself - the pun here is not intended, but I never pushed myself in terms of learning how to drive and driving regularly. I only started ACTUALLY driving at 27, and to this day I'm still just borrowing a car. I've always thought of myself as...odd, yet complex. Yet at the same time I'm not even all that interesting. I didn't drive because of my immense fear of hit and run. I can say that I'm happy to drive only because it makes me more independent, and I know that the only person who stopped me from driving was me. This is only the tip of the iceberg. I really do want to be A LOT happier than I currently am, and I know in my heart of hearts that in many cases I'm not, and I tend to put on this facade (which in turn makes me believe that I'm a liar, and I hate lying).

Good for you with the driving thing! I remember learning to drive when I was 14 (North Dakota FTW); I had so many close calls, it was so awkward and so scary, there was so much yelling at me, but with lots of practice and perseverance I can now drive at an expert level. Just keep at it, don't get scared, don't get discouraged, and eventually you'll be driving with the best of them. It's SUCH a freeing feeling and SO worth it, so just keep it up, you can do it!

 

[Tyrantus1212]

Good for you with the driving thing! I remember learning to drive when I was 14 (North Dakota FTW); I had so many close calls, it was so awkward and so scary, there was so much yelling at me, but with lots of practice and perseverance I can now drive at an expert level. Just keep at it, don't get scared, don't get discouraged, and eventually you'll be driving with the best of them. It's SUCH a freeing feeling and SO worth it, so just keep it up, you can do it!

Perseverance! I like that. Keep at it, Gritches. I'm still scared of driving the freeway though. I'm pretty bad at facing my fears.

 

[Calibar]

Thanks all. I still can't drive and I am 28

@Tyrantus1212, we have a lot in common I see. I have also had issues with some coworkers, especially ones in the upper ranks. Very difficult to control myself when I think I am right and someone condescends me. Haven't had a date either... Women have shown interest, but I don't know what to do. When it comes to talking to women I am spectacularly incompetent, despite the fact that I desire it above everything else.
But I love dogs though. There we are different.

 

[Tyrantus1212]

Thanks all. I still can't drive and I am 28

@Tyrantus1212, we have a lot in common I see. I have also had issues with some coworkers, especially ones in the upper ranks. Very difficult to control myself when I think I am right and someone condescends me. Haven't had a date either... Women have shown interest, but I don't know what to do. When it comes to talking to women I am spectacularly incompetent, despite the fact that I desire it above everything else.
But I love dogs though. There we are different.

I had some crushes here and there but I never asked any woman out. Never dated, never kissed; didn't even know what the true purpose of a date was at one point. I'm not even sure what category these crushes that I had fall into. For a long time I was never really interested in romance, but I really need to go on my first date - I'm almost 30 years old. My father wants me to meet a woman before that happens, he doesn't want me to be lonely for the rest of my life. I have absolutely no clue as to how to talk to women.

 

[SusanLR]

I had some crushes here and there but I never asked any woman out. Never dated, never kissed; didn't even know what the true purpose of a date was at one point. I'm not even sure what category these crushes that I had fall into. For a long time I was never really interested in romance, but I really need to go on my first date - I'm almost 30 years old. My father wants me to meet a woman before that happens, he doesn't want me to be lonely for the rest of my life. I have absolutely no clue as to how to talk to women.

Your father doesn't want you to be lonely. What do YOU want? Do you feel lonely? Do you feel a desire for this type of relationship? I have one Aspie friend that lived with his parents until he lost his mother at age 46. He dated but never desired a different life than with his parents. He made a successful profession for himself.
When he lost his mother, he became deeply depressed. Knowing he might soon also lose his father, he made that attempt to live on his own in a small apartment. He had help from a girlfriend that later left. But, he made it and is now comfortable, but, not really happy, living alone in a large house he bought for investment. He lost his father earlier this year. Very depressed again. He's 60 years old. But, he was smarter than I was in trying to be on his own before being totally alone.
It is a personal choice, but, ultimately one must choose then try to make it work for you.

 

[Questella]

Your father doesn't want you to be lonely. What do YOU want? Do you feel lonely? Do you feel a desire for this type of relationship? I have one Aspie friend that lived with his parents until he lost his mother at age 46. He dated but never desired a different life than with his parents. He made a successful profession for himself.
When he lost his mother, he became deeply depressed. Knowing he might soon also lose his father, he made that attempt to live on his own in a small apartment. He had help from a girlfriend that later left. But, he made it and is now comfortable, but, not really happy, living alone in a large house he bought for investment. He lost his father earlier this year. Very depressed again. He's 60 years old. But, he was smarter than I was in trying to be on his own before being totally alone.
It is a personal choice, but, ultimately one must choose then try to make it work for you.

I totally follow this, I had to be with somebody I think really my mom more than anything wanted me to have a new babysitter other than her. I've felt this was her approach to all of my boyfriends, even the abusive ones that drained me. After I left the guy I married out of highschool I went and lived in a homeless shelter for a bit and started working on my own. My mom got so mad and just kept telling me to stop running away from home. Regardless I never went back to him because I had decided I wasn't going to be lied to and abused my entire life. I think it's more important to learn to get along alone than to try to force yourself to be in a relationship just for the fact of being with somebody.