What Do I Say To My Son About Testing?

[LDSmomof3]

I suspect my 10 year old son may be aspie and I have arranged for him to do testing. We have our first meeting with the Psychologist in 10 days. My problem is I have no idea what to say to my son because he doesn't have any idea about this. I don't want to set him off or freak him out and I also don't want him to feel betrayed or not trust me. I really don't like this whole process of labeling etc. I am worried that we'll go through all this and not get a diagnosis but my son will never be the same again. This is what happened with my daughter. I still think she might be aspie but that's a whole other story. I want to make sure I do this right with him and I really don't know what words to use. He's had some social skill issues at school and I am thinking about relating it back to that but I think he will deny the problem and say everything is resolved via school where he is seeing the counselor weekly. Please help with ideas of how to explain this all to him.

 

[Warwick C]

LDSmomof3 I am not in a position of being able answer your question about your son, but for your Daughter I would try another person as diagnosis in females is a relatively new area and not enough psychiatrist have experience in that area, most are looking at it from a male prospective. From what I understand there are differences to be able to make an diagnosis.

I am sure other members may be able to help you out further.

 

[Turk]

Hi LDS,
My son's testing was carried out very discreetly, almost to the point of being unaware. Maybe try and speak with them and voice your concerns. If your son is seeking the school councelor, could you not say it was their recommendation. You could then back it up with reassurance, to let him know, you'll be there for him. Maybe you could tell him its part of a survey to improve educational quality, and then bribe him for his time. I find bribery the lesser of two evils, with a satisfactory outcome for both parties.

 

[Ereth]

I suspect my 10 year old son may be Aspie and I have arranged for him to do testing. We have our first meeting with the psychologist in 10 days. My problem is I have no idea what to say to my son because he doesn't have any idea about this. I don't want to set him off or freak him out and I also don't want him to feel betrayed or not trust me. I really don't like this whole process of labeling etc. I am worried that we'll go through all this and not get a diagnosis but my son will never be the same again. This is what happened with my daughter. I still think she might be Aspie but that's a whole other story.

First of all, you should sit down with your son and tell him what this appointment is about. Don't be too stern about it---just explain that this is something you think could help him. If he has any questions, try to answer them as best as you can.

It's true that labeling can be problematic, but you don't have to label him, and he doesn't have to label himself. All you're doing is trying to understand how your son's brain works. Reassure him that no matter what happens, he's not going to be treated any differently by his family. Other people may look at him differently, but that's something with which we all have to cope.

 

[LDSmomof3]

I like the part about "how his brain works". That is an example of words I could use to help him understand... thank you! He is of the belief that his brain works better than others so that might a positive spin for him.

 

[LDSmomof3]

The part I am most worried about is the intake interview appointment. The said I am to bring him. I don't want to talk about my concerns regarding him in front of him.

 

[Ylva]

You want him to not freak out and you want him to trust you. Sounds like you should tell him the truth.

How did the process change your daughter? Did she start feeling like there was something wrong with her? (Aside: how it works for me and possibly also for your kids based on your girl's reaction, don't say "there is nothing wrong with you" as this obviously means the exact opposite. Why would you have thought of wrongness if there was none?)

 

[Ylva]

The part I am most worried about is the intake interview appointment. The said I am to bring him. I don't want to talk about my concerns regarding him in front of him.

Leave him in the waiting room? If they try to make you take him inside, tell them what you told us. Or bring his father or some other adult to sit in the waiting room with him. Or tell him to sit on a chair outside the office you are in listening to his iPod.

 

[LDSmomof3]

Yes, with my daughter a wrongness or maybe more than that a perception that WE believed something was wrong with her and therefore a betrayal.

 

[Ylva]

Yes, with my daughter a wrongness or maybe more than that a perception that WE believed something was wrong with her and therefore a betrayal.

Well, in that case, go ahead and tell her that there's nothing wrong with her. I should really hold off on parenting advice, you know. Most children's experience will differ from the one I had anyway.

In any case, I've never met a ten-year-old boy to whom it would occur that something was wrong with him without someone saying, in words, "there is something wrong with you". You know him best, though. Trust your own judgement.

 

[paloftoon]

If your children are high functioning, you may want to reconsider the label. It is generally harder to get support when they are higher functioning. Being aware of the possibility and how to proceed are probably the two most important things to consider. I think it's a good idea to include your children in their own possible prognosis. Work with them as much as you can.

 

[Peace]

I suspect my 10 year old son may be aspie and I have arranged for him to do testing. We have our first meeting with the Psychologist in 10 days. My problem is I have no idea what to say to my son because he doesn't have any idea about this. I don't want to set him off or freak him out and I also don't want him to feel betrayed or not trust me. I really don't like this whole process of labeling etc. I am worried that we'll go through all this and not get a diagnosis but my son will never be the same again. This is what happened with my daughter. I still think she might be aspie but that's a whole other story. I want to make sure I do this right with him and I really don't know what words to use. He's had some social skill issues at school and I am thinking about relating it back to that but I think he will deny the problem and say everything is resolved via school where he is seeing the counselor weekly. Please help with ideas of how to explain this all to him.

I would refrain from making it a negative situation. I would talk with him when he is in a good mood and explain that you see an opportunity to better understand a gift that he may have, of seeing the world in a special way. One that can be used to great advantage, or just become extra baggage if not used. You may even be excited to discover this new partof his world with him. Remember that Aspergers is NOT bad or wrong, it is different. Used properly, it can be to great advantage.
I did not find out until it was too late. I just carried this baggage around my whole life to my detriment. Wish I had known sooner. Best of luck.

 

[arthousesalem]

I suspect my 10 year old son may be aspie and I have arranged for him to do testing. We have our first meeting with the Psychologist in 10 days. My problem is I have no idea what to say to my son because he doesn't have any idea about this. I don't want to set him off or freak him out and I also don't want him to feel betrayed or not trust me. I really don't like this whole process of labeling etc. I am worried that we'll go through all this and not get a diagnosis but my son will never be the same again. This is what happened with my daughter. I still think she might be aspie but that's a whole other story. I want to make sure I do this right with him and I really don't know what words to use. He's had some social skill issues at school and I am thinking about relating it back to that but I think he will deny the problem and say everything is resolved via school where he is seeing the counselor weekly. Please help with ideas of how to explain this all to him.

As a female aspie I know that I was diagnosed with Bipolar2 (as most females are) but I wasn't happy with the diagnosis and I knew that I wasn't. Aspergers women do not have the same traits as the male counterparts. They mimic, use television, fantasy or romance books as a way to understand how to socialise and make conversation or build relationships, they can be tomboys as children preferring stuffed toys than dolls. They are more social than boys to some degree.
As for telling your son about testing it really depends on you if you think he needs to know. Maybe get tested first if he is diagnosed with Aspergers then sit down and discuss it with him. I know that sometimes kids can get stressed out when they go and see a medical profession and just shut down. If your child suffers anxiety it might be better to discuss the result later when he has a better understanding of who he is.

Good luck and hope it all goes well.

 

[Uhura]

First I disagree with the term label. I don't see any of my disabilities as lables but I do see them as explanations for why certan things are harder for me than others. I knew something was different about me since at least 7th grade and have one memory of an Aspie behavior that would say I was showing signs of it in 6th grade. I don't have memories of my behavior when I was little, only of specific events that have nothing to do with this topic.

I wasn't diagnosed till my 30s so all the time between 6th grade and in my 30st wondering what was wrong and why I was so different from others. Why others had so much emotional energy while being around people exhausted me. I wasn't aware of my reaction to touch till a young adult. It still is hard but at least I know why it is hard when people touch me.

If you think your child has any reason to even suspect he is different, testing will show him why. Knowing why in my experience helps. I will admit I also had a learning disability that showed up in 7th grade. Or at least that is when I remember it. I was able to keep up in elementary school. But others, not so. I know many things weren't recognized when I was growing up and I am only 41. It would have helped me to know why I struggled with learning and needed my friends to help me just to barely pass some classes.

Either way, the point is that I knew I was different. Do you think your son does? If so explain that some people have trouble with different acedemic things, some with behaviorial things, and some social things. Explain that you stll love him (and if you can get his sister in hearing distance, explan that you love them both no matter what testing says and you can help them best if you know.

 

[Arashi222]

I suspect my 10 year old son may be aspie and I have arranged for him to do testing. We have our first meeting with the Psychologist in 10 days. My problem is I have no idea what to say to my son because he doesn't have any idea about this. I don't want to set him off or freak him out and I also don't want him to feel betrayed or not trust me. I really don't like this whole process of labeling etc. I am worried that we'll go through all this and not get a diagnosis but my son will never be the same again. This is what happened with my daughter. I still think she might be aspie but that's a whole other story. I want to make sure I do this right with him and I really don't know what words to use. He's had some social skill issues at school and I am thinking about relating it back to that but I think he will deny the problem and say everything is resolved via school where he is seeing the counselor weekly. Please help with ideas of how to explain this all to him.

First of all be honest with your son. Straight forward that you want to get him some extra help and that includes this appointment. Tell him what you know will happen when he is there. Also a lot of Aspie females in terms of your daughter are not diagnosed properly. Usually it takes someone who is trained in female autism. It took years for me to be diganosed and I practically with the help of my internship supervisor diagnosed myself (i'm a clinical social worker). So I would recommend even for your daughter to get re-tested if she is also continuing to have troubles. I know that when I was younger I was told I had anxiety and situational depression due to not having friends. I went to therapy to make friends in high school. The thing is be honest. Be up front about why you want this done.

 

[Peace]

First I disagree with the term label. I don't see any of my disabilities as lables but I do see them as explanations for why certan things are harder for me than others. I knew something was different about me since at least 7th grade and have one memory of an Aspie behavior that would say I was showing signs of it in 6th grade. I don't have memories of my behavior when I was little, only of specific events that have nothing to do with this topic.

I wasn't diagnosed till my 30s so all the time between 6th grade and in my 30st wondering what was wrong and why I was so different from others. Why others had so much emotional energy while being around people exhausted me. I wasn't aware of my reaction to touch till a young adult. It still is hard but at least I know why it is hard when people touch me.

If you think your child has any reason to even suspect he is different, testing will show him why. Knowing why in my experience helps. I will admit I also had a learning disability that showed up in 7th grade. Or at least that is when I remember it. I was able to keep up in elementary school. But others, not so. I know many things weren't recognized when I was growing up and I am only 41. It would have helped me to know why I struggled with learning and needed my friends to help me just to barely pass some classes.

Either way, the point is that I knew I was different. Do you think your son does? If so explain that some people have trouble with different acedemic things, some with behaviorial things, and some social things. Explain that you stll love him (and if you can get his sister in hearing distance, explan that you love them both no matter what testing says and you can help them best if you know.

I cannot agree that testing is always the best move, although I do agree that knowing is. It does not matter what you call someones differences unless your goal is to have a name, better known as a label. It does matter that the differences are understood and testing is not always needed for this. Tests can also be inaccurate on occasion, although not the norm. Note: This comment was not intended to be response to this thread, just a thought in general about weather or not testing is always best.

 

[Uhura]

I feel that way because my life would have been much easier if I had been diagnosed. This is of course a private decision for parents and families.

 

[epath13]

I told mine (one of then another has been tested since he was 2) that he might have Autism just like his brother and I, got him to watch this video
and then we spent a whole day testing him, he didn't get Asperger's though because of slight speech delay, he's got PDD-NOS and a few other things. He might lose it eventually, or not... I don't know. His academic diagnosis is still ASD, he's still qualified for services under Autism. One thing I have realized, in the end, you can't get much with your diagnosis unless you're really disabled and going to claim disability one day. Almost no therapy that actually would help is covered anyway with Autism diagnosis, speech and OT don't really do much. My younger son has been suspected having Apraxia or related disorder and diagnosing him probably wouldn't make any difference either because if we wanted to try some new types of therapies to improve his speech, they wouldn't be covered, because they are considered as experimental... so, yeah... it's almost like we're getting a diagnosis for ourselves it's kind of sad... but yeah, I wouldn't tell your son that he's better that others, just different just like everybody else is different in their own way.

 

[Longbow]

My son was tested after his grade 1 teacher noticed he did little things like rocking and hand flapping when he was excited or anxious. He was very young when he was tested so he just went along with it. But as time went by I was always open and honest with him in a positive way. My son will openly say he has aspergers if he feels the need to. He wishes he doesnt but he accepts that he has it and he knows we are doing all we can to help and understand him. He has a wicked sense of humor at times and he cracks me up. Best wishes to you..

 

[LDSmomof3]

I just wanted to come back with an update. We framed it for him that we wanted to do testing to understand how his brain worked and how we can help him with school etc... We just got the results this week. ASD (But with the understanding that if she could use DSM-IV it would be Aspergers) but we also go a surprise diagnosis of dyslexia. I've just started getting the ball rolling with the school to try and get an IEP in place for next year. We haven't shared any results with him yet and the psychologist suggest refraining from going home and just telling him what he HAS but more to answer his questions as they come up. I know I need to talk with him some so he can understand what we are going to provide for him etc... I might wait till I know more about what the school is going to actually do for him.

Thank you all for your thoughts. It has helped me think things through more.