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Featured We're all going on a summer holiday....

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by ladybug, Aug 10, 2017.

  1. ladybug

    ladybug Well-Known Member

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    well, we've been....
    My Aspie partner and I (NT) went on our summer holiday, for two weeks ...a first for him in over 12yrs..!!
    We went in a motorhome all about Europe.... we spent every day, 24/7 for the whole time together....(I am presently waiting for the downtime/meltdown-which I've already suggested ) but he was so relaxed....!! I became aware that he drove... and I was responsible for getting us booked in and the 'buffer' with ALL OTHER HUMANS during our trip....
    So is this normal...??(hate using that word.)
    I got everything from food, booking restaurants, shopping, coffee rests, all communication with the outside world, camp sites .... everything...!! I was surprised how a successful (in work) person can but cannot deal with people.... I am an organiser.... so it works so well for us.... but still I was surprised...he literally spoke to no one else.... for the whole time...!!
    Is this what it's going to be like...?
    It was a great trip and I think we were both stunned how easy we are together....
    Does anyone else have holiday experiences...? Thanks..!! :)
     
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  2. Rich Allen

    Rich Allen Well-Known Member

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    If it works for you and your partner, go for it.

    As for being organised, I literally couldn't organise a Piss up in a Brewery, lol, but I do like Holidays.
     
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  3. Bolletje

    Bolletje Well-Known Member

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    I like to be in charge, so on holidays I usually do all the planning and all the interactions. My boyfriend can be in charge of ordering drinks, maybe. Only if he orders exactly what I want. I'm not a control freak whatsoever :D
     
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  4. WittyAspie

    WittyAspie Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    If you found what works, do it every time.
     
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  5. ladybug

    ladybug Well-Known Member

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    Well... from my perspective it did... and he told me lots.... that it was 'really very very good'..... high praise, indeed, on his scale.....
     
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  6. ladybug

    ladybug Well-Known Member

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    I am a bit of a control freak too.... I love/need a plan.... ie. we must NEVER run out of wine.... lol
     
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  7. ladybug

    ladybug Well-Known Member

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    I was just surprised that he had NO CHAT... NO INTERACTION AT ALL.... with any other human at all, except me.... for the whole time....!!
    Is this an Aspie thing...?
     
  8. Keigan

    Keigan Restless Mind V.I.P Member

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    Sounds like you have found roles and responsibilities, how nice.
     
  9. ladybug

    ladybug Well-Known Member

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    Well... yes... but it's the 'no interaction with anyone at all from him during the entire trip.... not waiters, campers, ticket people, bar staff, shopkeepers, casual hellos to fellow campers.... no one at all...!! Is this usual...?
     
  10. Keigan

    Keigan Restless Mind V.I.P Member

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    So, there is no usual as each individual is unique.
     
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  11. Keigan

    Keigan Restless Mind V.I.P Member

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    He might have witnessed you taking charge of public relations and he might have truly took a back seat to that because he knew and trusted that you had that handled. It is a significant stress for some, so your action might have made it a vacation vs a series of withdrawals and meltdowns.

    Your question is best answered as a gentle conversation between you and your mate.
     
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  12. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

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    It would be for me if conditions permitted it. :)
     
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  13. Fridgemagnetman

    Fridgemagnetman I only have one V.I.P Member

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    The song....

    'But I only have eyes for you..oo'

    You're the gatekeeper, making it easier for him.

    This will be the way of things for the future.
    Accept it if you want to be with him.
    Don't do this :

    Make digs and mention that he doesn't interact with people enough over and over again over a long period.

    Hard not too.. now it's in your mind.
    Perhaps think of a way to bring it up in a jokey way if possible with no emphasis on change.

    With me , it would backfire.

    I kind of had a gatekeeper for years. I find people less objectionable than I used to. So don't need one as much.
    My problem more than theirs.
    Although the whole minor social reactions and rituals can be beyond tedious.

    He may change over time, hard for your expectations not to become resentments, I imagine.

    I wonder if he has expectations,probably doesn't construct himself in that way....

    My definitions of things I try to keep to 'is', I can get annoyed when asked to define things all the time.

    Just giving you an example of a frame if thought....
     
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  14. ladybug

    ladybug Well-Known Member

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    'Gatekeeper'.....!?!?! Is that an Aspie thing.......!?!?

    I gently mentioned was I his 'buffer' to the outside world.....
     
  15. Fridgemagnetman

    Fridgemagnetman I only have one V.I.P Member

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    Gatekeeper..buffer.. tomato,tomaydo.. buffer..gatekeeper...

    Ive read it in a few places. Imtranslated buffer to gatekeeper.

    Be careful you don't overdefine him.

    Its like and old jerry seinfeld joke about women asking men 'what are you thinking?' Jerry said I'll tell you the truth,answer it once and for all..
    'Nothing'
     
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  16. ladybug

    ladybug Well-Known Member

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    Ha ha .... love that!
    I hope I try not to 'define' him or us... I made him speak/deal with the petrol pump attendants all over Europe....
    In truth it was just requesting an amount of fuel, but he seemed ok doing this as it was a 'mans' responsibility.....
    he has quite specific male/female roles... not in a 'sexist' way.....
    so it's more of a finding our strengths etc....
    ps. He put me in charge of navigation...which is hysterical because I have literally NO sense of direction.... getting lost at a rest stop...! :)
     
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  17. fairy_girl

    fairy_girl Member

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    I have a bad habit of doing this sometimes with my mom. It's not that I'm lazy, it's more of the world is full of sights and sounds. It can be hard to understand what's going on when I try to focus one one specific thing at a specific time and try to keep up too. The other thing is that I trust that my mom knows exactly how I feel and what I want most of the time, we have the same wants and needs so that is easier in a way then repeating that I want the same thing 24/7 to a bunch of waiters/waitresses. It does get a little annoying having to repeat the same things too so having a person to help in the normal things that everyone does is a welcomed break.
     
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  18. Molly

    Molly Happily living inside my head

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    hi @ladybug Congratulations on the holiday, it sounds like you both had a great time, I am so pleased for you both:).

    Of course, I can only speak for myself as someone with Aspergers, but what you have just described is exactly the life story of my marriage to my very supportive late (NT) husband. I did all the organising, paperwork, logistics of the marriage - including our holidays together- and he (thankfully) did most and talking to humans and other social interactions therefore making my life easier to bear and less stressful. We didn't talk about or plan this it was something that happened right from the start and something we were both very comfortable with. He seemed to be aware of my needs and limitations immediately, he was a true soul mate to me.

    He did all the talking on the telephone, answering the front door, filling up the car at the petrol station, food shopping (as I am terrified to go into supermarkets) - smaller shops on an early Sunday morning, are fine though. He protected me and it came very naturally to him without any questions.

    Of course the downside to that was when he died my 'wingman' had gone, I had to learn to do it all myself - it was terrifying:eek:.

    We both had our strengths in our marriage and it worked out that all the things I couldn't do, he could, and vice versa.

    Just like your partner, I am also successful in work and could/can get by with humans professionally quite easily, but it stops there.

    If it works for you and your partner, and you don't mind doing most of the social interaction then that's all that matters. If not, then perhaps you need to have a chat with him.

    Sounds like you'll be fine though, you sound very supportive and understanding:).
     
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  19. ladybug

    ladybug Well-Known Member

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    That's exactly what we are like...!!!
    From the get go...!! We naturally have fallen in step with each other.....
    I don't see it as a chore... I feel our roles come very easily to us both....
    I'm sorry to hear you're without your 'wingman' but you sound a very capable person.... but I understand the loss must be huge .....
     
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  20. Molly

    Molly Happily living inside my head

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    That's fantastic to hear @ladybug awww, I am so pleased.

    Relationships aren't easy for anyone, NT or on the spectrum - but it sounds you are both going to be fine, that's so good to hear:).

    Thanks. There's a huge gap alright, but I am living the life he would want me to live. He was the one who made me strong and capable.
     
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