Unexpected Effect of Asperger's Diagnosis

[OkRad]

I hear you! I always thought that I was pretty good at social interaction, but now I see that I only thought so because I was so very unaware of what most people were thinking. I realize now that people who I thought of as friends were never really interested in being friends with me (and they probably signaled as much it in their NT way that I don't see).

My trouble now isn't so much in socializing in general as much as even wanting to. I used to assume that I understood what was going on, now I feel like I don't get it at all, and I don't feel much like trying anymore. I feel as if there is around a 99% chance that whatever person I'm talking to doesn't really want to know me and actually despises me for being different from them. So, I feel, why bother? My previous approach was to assume good will and friendship until I saw evidence otherwise. Now I am doing the opposite. Perhaps it's not the best thing, but this way I don't have to work so hard and I suffer far less disappointment.

DAMN! You said exactly how I feel its hit me, too. All those people I thought liked me were TOLERATING me. Sending me signals I never got.

Then, I also realized I CARE ABOUT THEM way more than they cared about me. I did care!!!! I liked people!! I thought they liked me , too, like the 12 year old I really am inside.

Pathetic.

But now I can say to that 12 year old, "Hey! You are ok! Everyone is in the same boat, they just don't know it. We are all going down, and fast."

 

[Grandmother B]

I'm in 1/3 of my 20s and still couldn't pick up a phone and call for a job, even though I'm hurried to do so at home. However, for anything else, being self-diagnosed has helped to do pretty much what Shawn D just said, just that I think I'm slowly getting some more eager to meet people, because I learn better on the practice . Therefore, I KNOW I'm going to get harm at some point, but at the same time I know it's... naturally necessary so I can improve my behavior further.

Just like practicing and losing all lives before beating a videogame. People say I'm a good gamer, so I think I have room to improve in life's game

Once I gain enough practice and self-security, I will be able to postulate to higher and more ambitious things, and I'll act so perfectly, that I'll do without getting prejudiced.

What I mean is not meant to be taken literally. More like it were necessary to... dissect the mentality exposed on here. To what I seen, and to what I believe, this is what NTs refer with "put yourself in the other's shoes". If I were an NT giving tip to an aspie, I'd suggest to check about "emotional projection" as well. And why of course, the local social engineering could help.

P.S.: Do I look like more optimist or egocentrical than I "should" be at this point? Well, I find it's "naturally necessary" as well =P

You will find some help for every situation at www.aspergerexperts.com. The guys who run this site have AS and know all you are going through! Good luck.

 

[OkRad]

You will find some help for every situation at www.aspergerexperts.com. The guys who run this site have AS and know all you are going through! Good luck.

I saw that sight. It's OK, but the trouble is that there are not enough real concrete resources for autistics as they age. How can they get out of that "defense Mode/shutdown" when they are facing homelessness? There are many people on the spectrum on the streets. It is sickening.

 

[Grandmother B]

I saw that sight. It's OK, but the trouble is that there are not enough real concrete resources for autistics as they age. How can they get out of that "defense Mode/shutdown" when they are facing homelessness? There are many people on the spectrum on the streets. It is sickening.

I am so sorry you are experiencing that. Maybe you could connect with them on their site. I am pretty sure they have email. I have emailed them and gotten answers before. I had purchased a course from them, however. But they are really nice guys and I pray you can get some help. "Concrete resources" I agree are hard to come by. Just remember that you are an intelligent, caring person with a lot to give. A lot of resources come from inside; just deciding to make baby steps day by day. Good luck and God bless.

 

[LZapperO]

I can relate completely. I was diagnosed recently, and a part of me has been very reluctant to socialize afterwards, and I'm often way too aware of how I walk, how I talk, and so on. Like I'm obsessively self-monitoring. I think I will learn to truly accept myself though. I've been aware of my own weirdness (not why) basically my entire life, and I used to avoid relationships because I couldn't explain why I sometimes couldn't show up at a social gathering etc. Now I can say "Aspergers" and explain why. It's a sense of freedom. Your true friends now and in the future will accept you exactly the way you are. All we have to do is tell them how we work, so to speak. Of course some people will reject you. It's their loss.

 

[Angela71]

that ability I can now do like I could at 14 where I can start to block it all out and go into a a fugue like a disaassociation. I can go really deep into that and it's AWESOME.

That sounds interesting! Could you explain a little more? I remember blocking things out that upset me when I was in my early teens. I still do it now without thinking about it, even if I want to think about something upsetting, my brain seems to automatically block it out!

 

[Angela71]

Well, I had a car accident and suddenly I reverted to 12 again. No coping skills.

You've been through a traumatic ordeal. I'd never be able to get into a car again. Have you had any help from friends/family or had any therapy after the accident. You sound brave to me.

 

[Angela71]

Your true friends now and in the future will accept you exactly the way you are

That's so true you are just the same person before diagnosis, except now you have increased self-awareness. All the people who liked you before will still like you now. If anything, you have just become more interesting! Increased self-awareness is very empowering. I self diagnosed myself 3 months ago and I'm 45. The huge inferiority complex I've had for most of my life has now disappeared. My confidence has doubled and I know now that I'm actually not insane just because I have to drive the same way to work everyday/I ask my partner to remove his watch because I can't stand the ticking/I hate social situations/I have a new obsession every 2 months etc etc etc. Sometimes having a label does help. I'd take aspie over nutcase any day.

 

[Kiwi Jess]

Before I was diagnosed, I had reasonable confidence in my ability to interact socially, although I was constantly frustrated at how others seem to 'get it' and I seemed to be missing something and didn't know why. But I knew how to behave in the various scenarios of my work and personal life. Alcohol was very helpful (up to a point!) with socializing. A crutch, I hate to admit.

People with whom I share my diagnosis are usually surprised, 'you seem perfectly normal to me' reactions. But not always. Some people have been honest saying 'that explains why you say strange and unexpected things sometimes,' which I appreciate.

I've lost most of my self-confidence in social situations as a result of this. I'm no longer comfortable around people, even people I know fairly well, except my closest friends. I wonder if I've misread people all this time. I no longer feel assured that my 'pre-programming' of social scenarios is sound and effective. Sort of like back to Square 1! Can anyone relate to this, and if so, what'd you do about it?

 

[Kiwi Jess]

That's so true you are just the same person before diagnosis, except now you have increased self-awareness. All the people who liked you before will still like you now. If anything, you have just become more interesting! Increased self-awareness is very empowering. I self diagnosed myself 3 months ago and I'm 45. The huge inferiority complex I've had for most of my life has now disappeared. My confidence has doubled and I know now that I'm actually not insane just because I have to drive the same way to work everyday/I ask my partner to remove his watch because I can't stand the ticking/I hate social situations/I have a new obsession every 2 months etc etc etc. Sometimes having a label does help. I'd take aspie over nutcase any day.

100% agree

 

[searchingforclues]

For me, the diagnosis was such a relief! I stopped feeling like my social missteps were any kind of moral failing.
And it let me come up with a different way to process social encounters, instead of believing they should happen organically and "naturally" as the NT world assumes they will. A little but of system really helps.
Don't tell them though, they hate the idea that their own personalities can be categorized, even a little bit.

 

[FreeDiver]

Do any of you ever wonder why? or how? Asperger's affects one ability to socially interact with others? I mean seriously. Do any of you ever get this feeling that it's possible to learn social skills the right way like NT's do? Instead of the cognitive/acting methods that we use to try to compensate with. Is it possible to comprehend what this wall is that stand in front of us? If we only knew what this wall is in front of us, perhaps we can find the best way to get around it.

I'm not advocating a cure. I just have this feeling that if we really knew what Asperger's was. Asperger's in, and of it'self I don't think would really be a problem, for say. What do you guys think?

 

[OkRad]

Do any of you ever wonder why? or how? Asperger's affects one ability to socially interact with others? I mean seriously. Do any of you ever get this feeling that it's possible to learn social skills the right way like NT's do? Instead of the cognitive/acting methods that we use to try to compensate with. Is it possible to comprehend what this wall is that stand in front of us? If we only knew what this wall is in front of us, perhaps we can find the best way to get around it.

I'm not advocating a cure. I just have this feeling that if we really knew what Asperger's was. Asperger's in, and of it'self I don't think would really be a problem, for say. What do you guys think?

I do have a theory. I believe that we all have antennae, like our neurons. We know we have "mirror neurons" which enable even chimps to behave like other chimps. I think that something goes on on a level that science hasn't discovered.

Whatever those antennae are, I don't have them. My neurons do not understand. It's like a butterfly who has his antennae ripped off.

 

[searchingforclues]

Do any of you ever wonder why? or how? Asperger's affects one ability to socially interact with others? I mean seriously. Do any of you ever get this feeling that it's possible to learn social skills the right way like NT's do? Instead of the cognitive/acting methods that we use to try to compensate with. Is it possible to comprehend what this wall is that stand in front of us? If we only knew what this wall is in front of us, perhaps we can find the best way to get around it.

I'm not advocating a cure. I just have this feeling that if we really knew what Asperger's was. Asperger's in, and of it'self I don't think would really be a problem, for say. What do you guys think?

maybe a little bit.
But I agree with OkRad, more or less-- it's a matter of physical brain architecture to a large extent.
You might as well ask why most of us can't learn to dance easily.
I struggled with social cues for decades, with typical-for-aspie results-- I feel a lot less lacking now that I understand how to learn.
And speaking for myself, I feel that learning cognitive empathy is perhaps more reliable than the naturalistic way NTs tend to gain their responses. I've seen them fail at times because they haven't encountered a particular situation before, and can't connect it to another situation-- it's as if they've never learned "empathic theory" so to speak.

 

[OkRad]

maybe a little bit.
But I agree with OkRad, more or less-- it's a matter of physical brain architecture to a large extent.
You might as well ask why most of us can't learn to dance easily.
I struggled with social cues for decades, with typical-for-aspie results-- I feel a lot less lacking now that I understand how to learn.
And speaking for myself, I feel that learning cognitive empathy is perhaps more reliable than the naturalistic way NTs tend to gain their responses. I've seen them fail at times because they haven't encountered a particular situation before, and can't connect it to another situation-- it's as if they've never learned "empathic theory" so to speak.

I think we are more empathetic than NTs. I really do. I also have seen NTs watch almost gleefully, cell phones in hand when two people start to fight. As an Autie, I would be absolutely in TEARS. My compassion is too much to be honest. I have to tone it down or I spend all day in tears and careful to walk and takes 2 hours to go a few feet after a rain to pick up the worms on the sidewalk. I am serious. If there is a fly trapped in the gym, I will run around with everyone looking as i try to save it. I even saved a cockroach who was half dead in the gym.......took him right out and ignored the staff.

 

[Ylva]

Do any of you ever get this feeling that it's possible to learn social skills the right way like NT's do? Instead of the cognitive/acting methods that we use to try to compensate with. Is it possible to comprehend what this wall is that stand in front of us? If we only knew what this wall is in front of us, perhaps we can find the best way to get around it.

Yes. But I also believe that getting treated like pariahs on account of finding eye contact painful, or finding all that forced intimacy gross, teaches us other things early on. I think if there was a way for NTs to bypass their mostly unconscious prejudice then we could have learned the same socially transmitted lessons as them, reading body language et al. I don't think we'd be neurotypical, but I don't think it'd be all that impossible to learn their stuff either.

 

[Aenghus]

I've lost most of my self-confidence in social situations as a result of this. I'm no longer comfortable around people, even people I know fairly well, except my closest friends. I wonder if I've misread people all this time. I no longer feel assured that my 'pre-programming' of social scenarios is sound and effective. Sort of like back to Square 1! Can anyone relate to this, and if so, what'd you do about it?

I can understand your reaction. My own experience is different in that I had terrible self confidence and social anxiety before my diagnosis, and the diagnosis inspired me to improve my social skills (with help and support).

I think your questioning above is a normal part of the learning curve, it's common for people reassessing skills to experience a dip in confidence. IMO pre-programming and scripts are crutches, which can be useful but have their limitations.

For me, I've found there are always more social skills to learn, wheels within wheels within wheels. I don't find that discouraging, it's makes life interesting.

 

[Aspie@60]

When I received my diagnosis (age 60), I had always wondered what was "wrong" with me. Never felt like I truly fit in, like, as they say, a puzzle piece being jammed into the wrong space. I self-diagnosed at about age 58, then the official dx at 60. Okay!, thought I, now I know I can move forward. In fact, as Estimated Prophet indicates, things got worse. Too self-conscious in social situations, especially at work. I was lucky to be close to early retirement/disability, and took the opportunity to pack up my things and go home (an hour away from downtown and in a mostly agricultural community). Now, I have the dx, the knowledge of what has always been "wrong" with me, and am in a position to either accept social invitations or not. I make no apologies. "I yam what I yam", I have an understanding husband, I'm away from the hustle and bustle and life is good.

 

[Sheiren]

It's slightly annoying when people say (as an acquaintance did yesterday) that I "seem normal", but they don't realise the years of effort that go into learning to "pass

I feel the same ! I have been diagnosed last year, and since then when I tell acquaintances that I am Asperger, they reply that "I look normal" . I think that for NT's it should be kind of a compliment? But at the same time as you said, they absolutely do NOT realise how much efforts it requires.

 

[midlife aspie]

I think we are more empathetic than NTs. I really do. I also have seen NTs watch almost gleefully, cell phones in hand when two people start to fight. As an Autie, I would be absolutely in TEARS. My compassion is too much to be honest. I have to tone it down or I spend all day in tears and careful to walk and takes 2 hours to go a few feet after a rain to pick up the worms on the sidewalk. I am serious. If there is a fly trapped in the gym, I will run around with everyone looking as i try to save it. I even saved a cockroach who was half dead in the gym.......took him right out and ignored the staff.

This supports my own assessment of our condition. I have begun to think of it more as spiritual as opposed to physical or mental in nature. My thoughts are that we (people) are in fact spiritual beings, here to learn lessons that can only be learned in physical form. Our true nature is one of consciousness and unconditional love, and we belong to the place where we all transition to upon the conclusion of our time here. Our birth here is our 'death' there and our 'death' here is our 'rebirth' there. What I think sets us apart from NT's is that our subconscious may maintain a 'memory' of the next realm, a place that is not physical in nature and thus thinking is speaking, no bodies, so no body language or subtle cues to know, no temptations or need for physical resources are present there so everyone focuses on spiritual growth and wisdom; thus a basis for our pursuit of interests to such a high degree. This may also explain that 'glass wall' many of us feel between ourselves and others, as we are still slightly connected to the next realm. My thoughts are that NT's are more subconsciously removed spiritually, and thus find connection easier with each other in this realm. I strongly believe that we are more evolved spiritually.