Trying to understand and heal relationship

[Strong and kind]

Hi everyone,

I seem to have some trouble with how the account works, because I missed a lot of these great comments and messages from you. Just read several of them, and again, so helpful. Bella Pines and John M, thank you for sharing your experiences too.

I'm going to take some time thinking about and processing all this, and my own role in the whole thing. I'm actually not sure I want a long-term relationship right now in my life, but I do know that I want the communication and the feeling to be a bit different than it was in this relationship. I'm not a drama queen, but I'm passionate and sometimes impulsive, although not desperate. My own mother is a narcissist and I suspect she has Borderline (we are no longer in touch), and sometimes I wonder if growing up with someone like that triggers an reaction in me. A need to resolve that through a relationship, by giving and trying. Well, no more. I actually thought I was done with that.

Meeting this man moved me. We shared some really important times together. Did it feel the same for him as it did for me? I'll never know, and I'm not sure it matters. I'm thinking back on this relationship and how slowly it built, and how limited my access to him was. I was really so accepting about that fact because I need lots of space too. Yet he kept telling me "we've really only met a handful of times" and "I don't really know you" as if I were trying to deceive him or something. Trust and safety. Warmth and compassion.

It's only been two days since I last texted him and said I would respect his request to not send any messages. I did however send a letter several days ago (yes, a real letter, in the mail) where I addressed all the things that made him anxious in relating to me. It could be the tiniest things, like me saying that ten years ago I had lived on the East coast for four years instead of five, or that I had been vegetarian since I was a kid but in fact there were three years where I ate fish (so really, I have not actually been a vegetarian since childhood). These are just examples. But I told him the facts. Reading Bella Pines' thoughts, I gather this letter probably won't make a difference, but yes, I do hope to at least get a chance to make peace around this with him. Some day.

I wonder, John M, Kiegan, and Bella Pine, what your thoughts are around my potential actions in the weeks to come. Is there anything more I can say or do? Or will time and space maybe make it possible to communicate again? I have a feeling that door is barricaded forever, and it's hurts. I don't mean that I think we'll get a second chance or that I even want it, but I would feel more at peace knowing he knew I understand what he is struggling with.

More in a bit, and gratitude, again.

 

[Strong and kind]

Yes, that makes sense to me. It could be more problems expressing love than feeling love.

It is very hard for one that personally does not have Aspergers or Autism to try to get in the mind of someone with such condition, but especially as even each with that condition can have subtle differences, too. Some can express love in different ways, or have more difficulties with showing that.

But, I have read a few posts on other threads whereby Aspies felt just to love another was difficult, but perhaps they meant it was just hard to express it, or process it.

Overall, what you say appears to make sense. In our situation, our children have Autism and express love in different ways, but this does not mean the love is not there.

It's ironic though that Dylan our youngest, five years of age, who is nonverbal with mild to moderate Autism shows love in more NT ways, through wanting physical affection and through happy non-verbal cues when we give him loving attention.

Aaron, the oldest, at seven years old, who has only mild Autism and is high functioning, does not express love well. He may feel it just as intensely, but he does not like being held much or want to be affectionate as much.

Your post made me learn more, thanks. Another issue is, I wonder if Aspies could each define love differently.

Yes, this is so helpful. I only told him twice that I loved him and the last time he said "I love you too." I really do think he loved me and tried very hard to show me by giving me gifts that were perfect without me even asking...by checking in with me making sure I was okay and safe when traveling far. Now I wonder: should I have written or told him all the things I appreciated about him? Maybe the fact that I just focused on my own feelings and how much I felt for him - and then that I was hurting from our deteriorating communication - was not that nice? I think that's true for any relationship, wow, always learning... I should have listed all the things I appreciated. Maybe then he would have felt more accepted.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Yes, this is so helpful. I only told him twice that I loved him and the last time he said "I love you too." I really do think he loved me and tried very hard to show me by giving me gifts that were perfect without me even asking...by checking in with me making sure I was okay and safe when traveling far. Now I wonder: should I have written or told him all the things I appreciated about him? Maybe the fact that I just focused on my own feelings and how much I felt for him - and then that I was hurting from our deteriorating communication - was not that nice? I think that's true for any relationship, wow, always learning... I should have listed all the things I appreciated. Maybe then he would have felt more accepted.

Hi. To answer your question, although I certainly do not think it would have hurt, if you had told him the things that were good about him, and that you understood certain things, instead of focusing just on how strong you felt and what you needed from him, too, I do not think it would have helped much. For the very successful relationships, it is important for both to communicate many things, and in many ways, to get a clear and more accurate picture how the other feels, and for trust and real emotional closeness to occur.

And I realize it can be hard for Aspies to show positive feelings, and they may need more time to process feelings, and so often an unexpected or negative reaction from them could be for any number of reasons, and not imply one thing. But, if his words more recently on a few occasions are mainly showing disinterest in you or not trusting you, we must take him at his word, unless he says otherwise through words too, and not just by actions. Maybe he was nitpicking little things he felt you did wrong, as he sensed criticism from you in his communication ways or other ways, or pressure. I do not know. Only he has that answer, and if he does not tell you, it is not your job or anyone else's to assume this or that.

Maybe he did express verbally many great things about you too, that I am not aware about, and I realize time could be an issue, too.. I mean even for all NT relationships it is often a feeling out process and trying to put the best foot forward in the beginning, and only through time may persons relax and show more who they are. And so for an Aspie, yes things could be happening way too fast, as it may take more time to process the things, and to express how one feels.

But, with time things became worse between you two. Is it because negative things were building inside, or the persons just showing themselves more? I do not know. I understand you both may have had many wonderful moments I was not aware of, but so has so many other persons in relationships that failed. Some of the statements he made to you made it look like he was clearly not interested now in you. Whether he said that out of anger, or because he needed more time to figure things out, or he really meant it, again, I do not know. I only know that if you have to be perfect in what you say, or he will run off and get really upset, does that sound like a relationship that will work? Or if you get upset at how he behaves, then maybe it is not meant to be.

If you think still the relationship may work, maybe your thinking is not wrong, but just that your concept of a successful relationship and love is just different than mine. That is perfectly fine, as we all value different things in relationships. My concern is the same concern I had for myself when I was younger. I would have gravitated to unhealthy relationships because of poorer self esteem, and wanting to please. I read a previous post where you said you had a narcissistic parent. Often those children are very lonely and with low self-worth, and self-critical, and they are not turned away by unhealthy relationships either.

Only after I improved my self-esteem and stopped trying to make other potential partners happy, did I finally feel free to walk away from situations that I thought would end in misery. This did not mean once I had healthy self-esteem I could not pick a partner with any issues but she had to have compatible issues. Maybe you feel you two are compatible, but is it any poor self-esteem talking and your heart saying that, or your head talking? I cannot answer that. I just know the several relationships I had that failed before my wife entered the picture, the failures were because I needed to make that other just happy, and as I felt I did not deserve better. I was not focusing on what would make me happy, but focusing on just the little good in those relationships and wanting to ignore the bad things and please. If I had not minimized those bad things too in those relationships, too, I would have saved several years of my life.

This all was just my opinion, as I cannot get into others' heads fully, when I am not there. It just does not feel to me like a healthy relationship that would last, yet I balance that with their being numerous relationships that are unhealthy that last. But, are both happy, or staying together for other reasons? Most persons have had numerous temporary relationships for a reason. I just know if I was single and in a relationship now with a woman, and she kept saying she was not interested, I would say goodbye and thanks. I do not want someone with me that says they do not want me. Others may be ok with that.

 

[Strong and kind]

Hi. To answer your question, although I certainly do not think it would have hurt, if you had told him the things that were good about him, and that you understood certain things, instead of focusing just on how strong you felt and what you needed from him, too, I do not think it would have helped much. For the very successful relationships, it is important for both to communicate many things, and in many ways, to get a clear and more accurate picture how the other feels, and for trust and real emotional closeness to occur.

And I realize it can be hard for Aspies to show positive feelings, and they may need more time to process feelings, and so often an unexpected or negative reaction from them could be for any number of reasons, and not imply one thing. But, if his words more recently on a few occasions are mainly showing disinterest in you or not trusting you, we must take him at his word, unless he says otherwise through words too, and not just by actions. Maybe he was nitpicking little things he felt you did wrong, as he sensed criticism from you in his communication ways or other ways, or pressure. I do not know. Only he has that answer, and if he does not tell you, it is not your job or anyone else's to assume this or that.

Maybe he did express verbally many great things about you too, that I am not aware about, and I realize time could be an issue, too.. I mean even for all NT relationships it is often a feeling out process and trying to put the best foot forward in the beginning, and only through time may persons relax and show more who they are. And so for an Aspie, yes things could be happening way too fast, as it may take more time to process the things, and to express how one feels.

But, with time things became worse between you two. Is it because negative things were building inside, or the persons just showing themselves more? I do not know. I understand you both may have had many wonderful moments I was not aware of, but so has so many other persons in relationships that failed. Some of the statements he made to you made it look like he was clearly not interested now in you. Whether he said that out of anger, or because he needed more time to figure things out, or he really meant it, again, I do not know. I only know that if you have to be perfect in what you say, or he will run off and get really upset, does that sound like a relationship that will work? Or if you get upset at how he behaves, then maybe it is not meant to be.

If you think still the relationship may work, maybe your thinking is not wrong, but just that your concept of a successful relationship and love is just different than mine. That is perfectly fine, as we all value different things in relationships. My concern is the same concern I had for myself when I was younger. I would have gravitated to unhealthy relationships because of poorer self esteem, and wanting to please. I read a previous post where you said you had a narcissistic parent. Often those children are very lonely and with low self-worth, and self-critical, and they are not turned away by unhealthy relationships either.

Only after I improved my self-esteem and stopped trying to make other potential partners happy, did I finally feel free to walk away from situations that I thought would end in misery. This did not mean once I had healthy self-esteem I could not pick a partner with any issues but she had to have compatible issues. Maybe you feel you two are compatible, but is it any poor self-esteem talking and your heart saying that, or your head talking? I cannot answer that. I just know the several relationships I had that failed before my wife entered the picture, the failures were because I needed to make that other just happy, and as I felt I did not deserve better. I was not focusing on what would make me happy, but focusing on just the little good in those relationships and wanting to ignore the bad things and please. If I had not minimized those bad things too in those relationships, too, I would have saved several years of my life.

This all was just my opinion, as I cannot get into others' heads fully, when I am not there. It just does not feel to me like a healthy relationship that would last, yet I balance that with their being numerous relationships that are unhealthy that last. But, are both happy, or staying together for other reasons? Most persons have had numerous temporary relationships for a reason. I just know if I was single and in a relationship now with a woman, and she kept saying she was not interested, I would say goodbye and thanks. I do not want someone with me that says they do not want me. Others may be ok with that.

Hi,

It's hard to explain a relationship in words and especially after a breakup. Right now, I'm annoyed at myself for feeling like a broken record. But I honestly think I'm in shock. The last time we talked on the phone two weeks ago, he wanted to come and see me, which to me meant things were good. We had this amazing trip planned, which I was excited about, and he was too... To go from communicating daily, either with text, on the phone, or in person, for 7 months, and then have someone vanish over night - it's just really harsh. I think most people, especially with some life experience (we're both in our 40s) would at least provide the other with some explanation or a conversation. Or offer the other a chance to say how they felt. I understand now after hearing from people with AS that it can be really challenging, or even impossible, so that makes me feel a little more at ease.

Things were great between us when the first meltdown suddenly exploded in my face seemingly out of nowhere. This is before I knew about the AS. I tried to talk about it later, but he didn't even seem to realize how weird it was to go from good to "I'm going to leave right now" (in the middle of the night in a foreign city). I understand why now, but I didn't then, and I spent the rest of our weekend just being nice and patient. Conflict is part of any relationship, and I'm always interested in learning more about how we act and feel and resolve (and how long it takes for different people) in different situation. The second meltdown was months later and then he wanted to leave in the middle of the night too. Instead, he waited until morning, but it was a horrible parting. However, he did text me two apologetic and thoughtful messages a day later, saying he did care for me and he didn't want me to think he didn't like me, because he did. I still wanted to go over all those things he blurted out during the meltdown but he refused.

I don't ever want to be around someone who doesn't like me. My life is going very well and my self-esteem is good. I'm not perfect in any way, but I'm curious and open to learn more every day. Both about myself and others. It was pretty clear that he loved being around me and wanted to spend time with me. It is true that he did say several times that everything was going too fast (even when he made it so) and he asked me to be patient. I didn't feel like seeing each other every three weeks was going too fast, but then again, that's me. He said he felt pressured regarding the trip, but I actually suggested we could go on a shorter trip and he insisted we leave the country. Ugh, I won't go on with all this anymore, I just want to understand how the Aspie brain works and there is a part of me that really wants him to know that I loved him as he was. It's hard to explain, but I knew he loved me too, all the things he did to even get to see me, he traveled great distances, was completely present in my company - lots of laughter; that was a great gift.

I think all the things you say are very good reminders for me for the next time...but I can't think about that yet. Yes, it should be a dance. Where we take turns leading and following and sometimes it's just movement and flow and no one is the giver or the taker but rather we just flow together and feel connected. I have more work to do. And I'm grateful for the insights you share and the amazing comments and thoughts and experiences from everyone else too. The different perspectives are great.

Right now I just need to grieve his sudden absence.

Thank you, again.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Hi,

It's hard to explain a relationship in words and especially after a breakup. Right now, I'm annoyed at myself for feeling like a broken record. But I honestly think I'm in shock. The last time we talked on the phone two weeks ago, he wanted to come and see me, which to me meant things were good. We had this amazing trip planned, which I was excited about, and he was too... To go from communicating daily, either with text, on the phone, or in person, for 7 months, and then have someone vanish over night - it's just really harsh. I think most people, especially with some life experience (we're both in our 40s) would at least provide the other with some explanation or a conversation. Or offer the other a chance to say how they felt. I understand now after hearing from people with AS that it can be really challenging, or even impossible, so that makes me feel a little more at ease.

Things were great between us when the first meltdown suddenly exploded in my face seemingly out of nowhere. This is before I knew about the AS. I tried to talk about it later, but he didn't even seem to realize how weird it was to go from good to "I'm going to leave right now" (in the middle of the night in a foreign city). I understand why now, but I didn't then, and I spent the rest of our weekend just being nice and patient. Conflict is part of any relationship, and I'm always interested in learning more about how we act and feel and resolve (and how long it takes for different people) in different situation. The second meltdown was months later and then he wanted to leave in the middle of the night too. Instead, he waited until morning, but it was a horrible parting. However, he did text me two apologetic and thoughtful messages a day later, saying he did care for me and he didn't want me to think he didn't like me, because he did. I still wanted to go over all those things he blurted out during the meltdown but he refused.

I don't ever want to be around someone who doesn't like me. My life is going very well and my self-esteem is good. I'm not perfect in any way, but I'm curious and open to learn more every day. Both about myself and others. It was pretty clear that he loved being around me and wanted to spend time with me. It is true that he did say several times that everything was going too fast (even when he made it so) and he asked me to be patient. I didn't feel like seeing each other every three weeks was going too fast, but then again, that's me. He said he felt pressured regarding the trip, but I actually suggested we could go on a shorter trip and he insisted we leave the country. Ugh, I won't go on with all this anymore, I just want to understand how the Aspie brain works and there is a part of me that really wants him to know that I loved him as he was. It's hard to explain, but I knew he loved me too, all the things he did to even get to see me, he traveled great distances, was completely present in my company - lots of laughter; that was a great gift.

I think all the things you say are very good reminders for me for the next time...but I can't think about that yet. Yes, it should be a dance. Where we take turns leading and following and sometimes it's just movement and flow and no one is the giver or the taker but rather we just flow together and feel connected. I have more work to do. And I'm grateful for the insights you share and the amazing comments and thoughts and experiences from everyone else too. The different perspectives are great.

Right now I just need to grieve his sudden absence.

Thank you, again.

Thanks. What I recommend is you take time away from this situation, process your thoughts as best as possible after considering how you feel and the various input from all that have given you feedback, in your life and here, and yes go through the necessary steps of recovery.

Maybe time away from this issue and from him will heal those things, and give you better direction what to do, and change your perspective on things, or maybe you will feel the same. I just know you deserved more answers, after all that. How can you move on if you feel you still need these answers from him to be at peace? Love sometimes just cannot be turned on and off like that. For him, maybe. But, not for you.

The only thing you can do is to control what you do, and if you feel you honestly could have done better by explaining to him more what things you liked about him, and you are still blaming yourself for that, and cannot stop thinking about that, then eventually you may have to try that. At least he would have a clearer picture of who you were as a whole and maybe he would have opened to you more out of trust or more connection.

But, that is a risk you would be taking, as you could do all that, and express those good things about him, and he still could reject you more. If you are willing to take that risk, go for it, but I would let some cooling off time occur first, for both sides, and then if you want to try that letter explaining that good what you have yet to tell him, if you felt each really loved the other but there was misunderstanding, or as just things for him may have been happening too much too soon, then fine.

Maybe with at least a few weeks of time or much more of healing and assessing things more for both, a renewed effort and interest could occur, if each had learned what things could have been done better, and wanted things to work out. I have no doubt you want it to work out, but I do not know his intentions or feelings, and whether such a letter saying the great things about him would work. I have my doubts, but I have been wrong before, and if your mind says later you want to try, that is fine with me. Do not say to him in any such letter he was perfect though, as he was not. If he ever opens up further, and you feel he could get less upset with criticism, maybe then you could address any bothersome issues, without him getting angry and running away.

I hope this information helps.

 

[Strong and kind]

Wow @Strong and kind, Margaret Mitchell couldn't have been more eloquent. The world needs more people like you.

I'm in my forties, pure AS, with a highly dramatic and emotional NT husband and unfortunately, I have to confess, I was your ex-boyfriend. I acted exactly like him and I even sent that exact text to a boyfriend at university. I didn't understand the way my brain worked back then, I didn't recognize what was happening and I definitely had no control over any of it. Now, I am half tempted to contact my ex boyfriends and apologize.

Maybe on this forum, we can help explain what just happened to you.

There are a number of things at work, essentially the aspie brain takes in a lot of information, a billion small details. He can probably draw the exact pattern of your bathroom tiles but doesn't remember what colour your eyes are. He would probably be able to trace a complex web of family lineage but not remember your last name. He also didn't have the foggiest idea why your emotions were oscillating in the extremes when his were flat lining.

This will build up and up and up until the aspie reaches shutdown. This can be a panic attack, or freezing up, or screaming. Now I can see my shutdowns coming days in advance so I make an effort to take myself somewhere quiet and process the patterns of the bathroom tiles, but back then I did not.

Instead I threw crockery. Nice white crockery too. Not at anyone, not to hurt anyone, just to vent, just to hear the smash. It's like a hard drive filling up, once my brain is at capacity I have to defragment it, clean it up, I have to process the information or I will just keep failing.

Back then I ran away, a lot, from every argument. I did once have two boyfriends but not on purpose and I certainly didn't want to hurt anyone, my brain just couldn't sort out the correct relationship dynamics so I just sort of clammed up until it blew up in my face.

Having space is a big part of coping. But my NT husband continually misunderstands this. He thinks that I need space away from him. Sadly he doesn't even factor in, it is never about him. It is just my brain needing to process everything. I now do this by writing stories, then all the jumble sorts itself out and order is restored.

You don't judge, you try to understand, that is amazing. The real tragedy here is that he doesn't know what he lost.

However, I have observed that people have a type. My drama queen of a husband was always attracted to logical, almost robotic girls. And I was attracted to, well emotional people but then the aspie logic plays a factor and I did of course consider genetic compatibility and a logistical skills match. Love is an interesting twist but certainly no where near the top of my priorities, as far as my aspie brain goes, love is learned behaviour, sorry, I know NTs have trouble fathoming that. But when it happens (eventually, sometimes 5 years into a relationship), I am perfectly capable of a deep and strong love that has grown over time. I just keep it tightly controlled and I will never be able to explain or express it.

So if your next boyfriend is an emotionally challenged aspie or your last boyfriend wakes up and realizes how much he has lost then we are all here for you, to support you and to explain the bizarre behaviour All the best! xxx

Hi,

Thank you for all this helpful information and for sharing your experiences. I have written several responses on the thread but I'm not that tech savy, so maybe it doesn't show up for all of you.

I think apologizing and explaining hurtful behavior is never too late, at least not for me. You never know how people will react but even decades later, it can bring others peace to know that what happened between you and them was something you couldn't control or understand at the time. Kindness is rarely wrong if you do it without expecting anything in return, I think.

Yes, I'm processing all the information that you and other aspies have shared and trying to understand. When I first met my love, he kept telling me "I'm not normal" and "I'm unconventional". Well, he didn't know he was talking to someone who also thinks "normal" is boring and doesn't consider herself normal. However, I really could have been more curious. I mean, not being normal can indicate a million different things, and if I had asked some questions maybe the chain of events wouldn't have been so puzzling and hurtful to me. In retrospect, it's as if he warned me. Without actually telling me about the AS.

So, I am slowly letting go, but it's hard. I'm counting the days. It's so painful to go from being in touch almost daily for 7 months and looking forward to time together (and the trip) and then just get an ice cold "there is nothing to talk about" and "Don't contact me unless it's about money" treatment. I'll leave him be. But a part of me is also angry that he doesn't seem to see that this is not a way to treat another person, especially not someone who has (honestly) only been sweet and caring and understanding. We're in our 40s, not kids, and at this point in his life, no matter what else is going on with the ex etc. he should know that what he's doing is very harsh. Or is that part of AS, that he just cannot think about me? Or picture what I feel?

I would like to get another chance at seeing him and parting in a kinder way. The door just shut in my face as if we had never known each other. I can't force him to love or even like me, and I'm not even sure I would want to keep seeing him after all this. I would still like us to connect some time. In a few weeks? In the meantime, I have to get used to the thought that I won't hold him again, hear him laugh, inhale his scent. I've had long relationships, been married, had lovers. This is one of the most difficult breakups I've been through.

Thank you again for your perspective. And the Emoticons, perfect.

 

[Strong and kind]

Thanks. What I recommend is you take time away from this situation, process your thoughts as best as possible after considering how you feel and the various input from all that have given you feedback, in your life and here, and yes go through the necessary steps of recovery.

Maybe time away from this issue and from him will heal those things, and give you better direction what to do, and change your perspective on things, or maybe you will feel the same. I just know you deserved more answers, after all that. How can you move on if you feel you still need these answers from him to be at peace? Love sometimes just cannot be turned on and off like that. For him, maybe. But, not for you.

The only thing you can do is to control what you do, and if you feel you honestly could have done better by explaining to him more what things you liked about him, and you are still blaming yourself for that, and cannot stop thinking about that, then eventually you may have to try that. At least he would have a clearer picture of who you were as a whole and maybe he would have opened to you more out of trust or more connection.

But, that is a risk you would be taking, as you could do all that, and express those good things about him, and he still could reject you more. If you are willing to take that risk, go for it, but I would let some cooling off time occur first, for both sides, and then if you want to try that letter explaining that good what you have yet to tell him, if you felt each really loved the other but there was misunderstanding, or as just things for him may have been happening too much too soon, then fine.

Maybe with at least a few weeks of time or much more of healing and assessing things more for both, a renewed effort and interest could occur, if each had learned what things could have been done better, and wanted things to work out. I have no doubt you want it to work out, but I do not know his intentions or feelings, and whether such a letter saying the great things about him would work. I have my doubts, but I have been wrong before, and if your mind says later you want to try, that is fine with me. Do not say to him in any such letter he was perfect though, as he was not. If he ever opens up further, and you feel he could get less upset with criticism, maybe then you could address any bothersome issues, without him getting angry and running away.

I hope this information helps.

Hi, yes it helps a lot. My process just changed from sadness to anger. It's infuriating to ask for clarity and the other person just ignoring you. I'm not sure that a letter would make a difference and I will think about it before writing it, as well as before sending it. I have really appreciated your insights on relationships and the support and attention you have shared. Thank you again.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Hi, yes it helps a lot. My process just changed from sadness to anger. It's infuriating to ask for clarity and the other person just ignoring you. I'm not sure that a letter would make a difference and I will think about it before writing it, as well as before sending it. I have really appreciated your insights on relationships and the support and attention you have shared. Thank you again.

That anger is a good sign I think it is surely justified for the 7 months you put in, and because of the apathy, poor attitude and avoidance towards you at the end.

Whatever you decide, I really hope things will work out for you. Anytime you need further input do not hesitate to ask, and I will more than glad to reply. Thanks.

 

[Strong and kind]

Oh, you think so? Yes, I suddenly got angry. I actually think the abruptness was because he met someone else and is too cowardly to tell me. My intuition tells me this. It would also explain why he's suddenly saying things like "I never asked you to be committed to me". I would much rather have him say that he is seeing someone else than not knowing why he disappeared like this. I'll be more careful next time. And like you suggested earlier, take a little more time getting to know someone. Thanks again...

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Oh, you think so? Yes, I suddenly got angry. I actually think the abruptness was because he met someone else and is too cowardly to tell me. My intuition tells me this. It would also explain why he's suddenly saying things like "I never asked you to be committed to me". I would much rather have him say that he is seeing someone else than not knowing why he disappeared like this. I'll be more careful next time. And like you suggested earlier, take a little more time getting to know someone. Thanks again...

Hello. From research, depending on the website you find, grief after a breakup usually involves between five to seven stages. For instance, randomly picking one website, a typical pattern in order could be: shock, denial, anger, depression, acceptance, disengagement, and moving on.

There are a lot of various interesting articles on that topic that go into detail about one's feelings during these stages, and with some giving suggestions what to do and not do. Every feeling you have had is certainly justified, but do not expect them to always go in the exact order, as each person is different and can grieve in their own ways.

Your theory about why he could be angry could be true, but regardless why he resorted to that behavior and desire to leave, and regardless where your anger is coming from, and when it occurs, it is a natural part of the breakup process. For the anger stage, recommendations are often to write your anger down, share your feelings with others, but do not act that anger physically out at yourself or another, obviously.

I certainly would recommend talking to a trusted therapist too, if at all you have the means, in addition to your local support and support online. For support and direction online, it is good to get all points of view, too, and not just from Aspies, and not just from one gender, but both, and so it is good you have considered and valued all those opinions. Some people's opinions in life will be based on more logic, others will be based on emotion. Any opinions I give to anyone, utilizes both, as I have a good balance there.

And so 'strong and kind' if you, or anyone anyone else here, ever needs privately any addition answers, support or direction, or an online friend, feel free to message me by private conversation, too.. I have always welcomed this from anyone, and have done such, and you can trust me that I am a good person and looking nothing more than that helping in just in any of those mentioned ways. I always reply back to messages, and never am the type to ignore persons, or treat them with disrespect

 

[Bella Pines]

I wonder, John M, Kiegan, and Bella Pine, what your thoughts are around my potential actions in the weeks to come. Is there anything more I can say or do? Or will time and space maybe make it possible to communicate again? I have a feeling that door is barricaded forever, and it's hurts.

Did you ever communicate again? I probably would have said not to bother, possibly you are looking for closure that he will never supply.

 

[Strong and kind]

I'm so moved that you remembered and followed up on this. Thank you.

We communicated about the money via texts and he sent me a check for the trip to reimburse me. In the past six weeks since then, I've called him twice and left messages just saying I would like to talk. I also sent two text messages stating that whatever he was or is going through (even if he met someone else) or processing his ex leaving town permanently (which he doesn't know I know about), I would understand. I mean, I'm not angry. It's not even that I necessarily think we should be together. It's just that we had a very unusual and to me deeply meaningful experience together and I would like to conclude it more peacefully. I'm slowly realizing I have to do that on my own.

Another part of me feels so frustrated and sad about that I didn't see his AS sooner. Or that when he did tell me about it - in passing, quietly - I didn't pause and ask if he wanted to talk more about it. I'm really regretting that I let that slip, he probably felt very let down by that and I'm so wishing I could convey to him in some way that I know what AS is and that it's different for different people and that I love him and care about him exactly as he is. I have been silent now for over two weeks. Not sure if anything I could say at this point would make a difference to him. I miss him. I understand many things about him so much more now, and maybe he's happier being alone or with someone else.

I'm not what most people consider "normal" either; I need a lot of space and quiet every day, and when I'm in social situations like parties or even just in a crowd, I need to be able to leave exactly when it gets to be too much. The reason I have to withdraw is because I feel too much. I pick up on people's moods and desires and feelings and react to them, absorb them, feel compelled to engage. I'm good at it; too good, to the point where it often exhausts me. I don't like having to chit-chat about nothing or pretend I'm great when I'm just okay. I'm my happiest in nature, alone, submerged in a river or sitting on a rock staring at an open landscape. I guess I'm sharing this because my ex seemed to think I'm this super-social person with lots of emotionality. The latter is true, but I crave solitude more than company most of my time. So I have deep understanding for his unconventional personality. Maybe that insight is nothing that matters to him, I don't know. I would like to write him a non-emotional and very literal letter where I say this, so at least for me I know I have reached him.

Thank you again for your thoughtfulness. So many people here are wonderful and very giving. It gives me hope for us all.

 

[Streetwise]

to be honest i understand why he DIDNT say anything nts hurt us all the time but we are called freaks or demons by others why would you admit you were a freak or a demon its like telling a Nazi you are a Jew after 1942 it means death
a lot of nts have the we are controllers of anything that is not like our arrogant selves

Hi,

It's hard to explain a relationship in words and especially after a breakup. Right now, I'm annoyed at myself for feeling like a broken record. But I honestly think I'm in shock. The last time we talked on the phone two weeks ago, he wanted to come and see me, which to me meant things were good. We had this amazing trip planned, which I was excited about, and he was too... To go from communicating daily, either with text, on the phone, or in person, for 7 months, and then have someone vanish over night - it's just really harsh. I think most people, especially with some life experience (we're both in our 40s) would at least provide the other with some explanation or a conversation. Or offer the other a chance to say how they felt. I understand now after hearing from people with AS that it can be really challenging, or even impossible, so that makes me feel a little more at ease.

Things were great between us when the first meltdown suddenly exploded in my face seemingly out of nowhere. This is before I knew about the AS. I tried to talk about it later, but he didn't even seem to realize how weird it was to go from good to "I'm going to leave right now" (in the middle of the night in a foreign city). I understand why now, but I didn't then, and I spent the rest of our weekend just being nice and patient. Conflict is part of any relationship, and I'm always interested in learning more about how we act and feel and resolve (and how long it takes for different people) in different situation. The second meltdown was months later and then he wanted to leave in the middle of the night too. Instead, he waited until morning, but it was a horrible parting. However, he did text me two apologetic and thoughtful messages a day later, saying he did care for me and he didn't want me to think he didn't like me, because he did. I still wanted to go over all those things he blurted out during the meltdown but he refused.

I don't ever want to be around someone who doesn't like me. My life is going very well and my self-esteem is good. I'm not perfect in any way, but I'm curious and open to learn more every day. Both about myself and others. It was pretty clear that he loved being around me and wanted to spend time with me. It is true that he did say several times that everything was going too fast (even when he made it so) and he asked me to be patient. I didn't feel like seeing each other every three weeks was going too fast, but then again, that's me. He said he felt pressured regarding the trip, but I actually suggested we could go on a shorter trip and he insisted we leave the country. Ugh, I won't go on with all this anymore, I just want to understand how the Aspie brain works and there is a part of me that really wants him to know that I loved him as he was. It's hard to explain, but I knew he loved me too, all the things he did to even get to see me, he traveled great distances, was completely present in my company - lots of laughter; that was a great gift.

I think all the things you say are very good reminders for me for the next time...but I can't think about that yet. Yes, it should be a dance. Where we take turns leading and following and sometimes it's just movement and flow and no one is the giver or the taker but rather we just flow together and feel connected. I have more work to do. And I'm grateful for the insights you share and the amazing comments and thoughts and experiences from everyone else too. The different perspectives are great.

Right now I just need to grieve his sudden absence.

Thank you, again.

 

[Streetwise]

attitude
autism is especially different- nts cant read us we are a threat to the maniacal rulers

 

[Strong and kind]

Well, I'm not part of the rulers. I am kind, patient, understanding, and I try my utmost to be compassionate in all sorts of situations and relationships.

I lost a very close family member with undiagnosed AS to suicide. I always sensed his suffering but no one listened to me when I was trying to tell them he was different and may have needed support and most importantly understanding and acceptance.

 

[Bella Pines]

he probably felt very let down by that

Well probably not, it doesn't sound like he really understands himself. I wish now I could go back 20 years and apologize to my ex-boyfriends, I did very similar things, once I heard one of them knocking on the door because he wanted to sort out relationship out and I hid in the kitchen until he went away. Now I could kick myself, why didn't I just communicate? I think there was so much going on in my head it was just easier not to. So I don't think he was let down, I think he is too far inside his own mind to really analyze it to that depth.

and maybe he's happier being alone or with someone else.

I think you're assuming he is at your level of emotional maturity (which quite possible exceeds mine after 40 years of trying!). If he is still in the phase of trying to become something he isn't, then he hasn't fully accepted himself yet. And until that happens, he cannot fully accept anyone else or allow anyone to help or care for him. So compartmentalizing and running away is the natural course of action.

 

[Strong and kind]

Yes, all you're saying sounds absolutely right. Very wise and insightful. So helpful, thank you.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Hello everyone who were so helpful to me two months ago. After trying to reach out several times to my Aspie ex who vanished, so I could find closure, he finally texted me today, a thank you for a birthday present he received three weeks ago. This is after completely ignoring me by phone, letter, and text for all this time. I was not chasing him. I was not angry or crazy. Still, he could not communicate. Now, I'm happy that he got the gift and appreciated it. But what do I reply? "You're welcome" or say something like "Thank you for letting me know you got it" or "Hope you liked it" or nothing? I have missed him so much. And have felt so invisible by his refusal to engage and have a better ending with me. It's good to know he's alive and appreciated my gift. This message means nothing more than politeness, even as it comes a bit late. At the same time, it's a connection. What do I do? Would really appreciate your input and perspective.

Why do you want a relationship with someone who is so unavailable?

Even if you do move on, will you find someone else who is umavailable,in a different way.

Not to be cruel but,perhaps, you're not relationship ready.

Maybe there's something you need to fimd out.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I don't want a relationship with him and no, I don't want to waste time on people who are not available ever again.

My question here was just if I should even reply. This was a long and involved exchange between me and many of the great folks on the forum so I wanted to hear their input. I guess "You're welcome" is okay. I know I sound like a teenager asking for this kind of advice but I'm just kind of at a loss. I'm not going to ghost him the way he did with me. But I don't think he is saying he wants a relationship with me again. And neither am I.

Well... whatever you do it will make no difference to him.

So good luck