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Trying to understand and heal relationship

I just read your update, after I posted my response to your original message. So sorry if it is not relevant now.

I am sorry it ended that way, but maybe it is for the best, so as you do not keep pursuing this. You deserve better. You have tried so much, but he is not reciprocating.

No more wasted time on persons that cannot show you that same care.
 
I wish for your sake he would have responded in a way that gave you closure but he didn't. You are correct in that you deserve an equal amount of what you have given. Not everyone is capable or willing to do this unfortunately.

Because you are strong and kind like your name implies I know that in time you will be able to deal with the hurt feelings and in the future pick a partner that doesn't act in the way he did. We are human, so we're all full of mistakes. Only, it depends on if someone is willing to work through it and with the person they care for. I found that out myself after an eight year marriage and one child. Even though you're in pain, I'm grateful you found out sooner. The time only adds more pain. :(
 
Hi. I think you are right. I do not think anyone could have the answer what he is thinking, and why he had been acting those two different ways. Was it because of fear of commitment? Did he blame you subconsciously for that friend leaving? Was he scared of being rejected once you learned about his AS? Or was he just being himself with AS, with that being the pattern he often is used to doing?

To answer your questions, I do think it is possible for you to at least talk to him again one day and leave on better terms, by asking him if that could be possible, with no pressure to do more than that as I sense he does not like feeling the pressure of being close right now. Maybe if you leave on a friendlier term, and you say if you want to talk further, please contact me, then he would initiate the next move as time passes as guys often like to chase than be chased.

I have no doubt you are a great person, with much compassion and wisdom, but personally I do not sense you and him as a long term possibility, as things are now. You see all the great in him, and that is commendable, but he cannot see that in you to the extent you deserve, or at least he cannot show that consistently on the level you need. For the limited times you have known each other and met, he has at least a few times walked out and said he sees things between you and him differently. That is not a good sign.

A happy long-term relationship needs two to be on the same page, and two to have love for the other. I think you two could be better friends maybe one day, than more than that, as he needs his space, and as he seems unpredictable or not ready for such closer relationships. You have to consider his words, actions, inactions and feelings he is showing to you too. Instead of thinking he would be happy with you, and he needs someone, think that he could be happier on his own and not ready at this time.

Personally, I do not think one with strong empathy skills would often fit in any long-term loving relationship with someone who would think nothing of giving you the cold shoulder and who would blame you for things, at times when clearly you are not the issue. It could be a one-sided relationship where you show strong love and compassion, but the other side showing disinterest or often trying to break free. He has yet to show any stability in terms of handling any commitment to you.


I am so grateful for this long and thoughtful reply. And the other responses too. That it comes from strangers makes me very moved. And even more grateful. Thank you for your kindness. You are so right. About everything. I'm going to read your words over and over to myself and remember this for the future. I have so much joy and love in me, and I am constantly doing creative things. I gave him SO much: a beautiful space to visit in an amazing landscape, amazing food, massage, sex, laughter, adventure. He gave me his presence, but not much more. I mean, I loved that presence, and he made me laugh. He brought me thoughtful gifts. But he was unable to express himself emotionally except for negative emotions and often blaming others for the problems. He helped me practically, a lot, and that meant a lot to me. But the way he treats me now is appalling. I haven't done anything to warrant this kind of callous treatment... I'm not a clingy person. I never asked for commitment.

The friend who left town is his ex. He doesn't know that I know this, but I found out through social network. I shouldn't have looked it up, but I did. They were together for 7 years and I have no idea when it ended. I don't know if it actually ever ended until she left and moved to another state next weekend. Maybe they lived together the whole time we were seeing each other, I don't know. That would be on him, but I feel bad for this other woman. She moved last weekend, when he completely vanished from our communication. Why didn't he tell me they'd been together so long? I asked him if he'd been staying with her, and he said he'd been staying with a friend. He blurted out during our last conversation that he wasn't ready to be with me, but it just didn't make sense. It made me feel like the last relationship just ended, not like it ended 9 months ago. I honestly have no idea what the truth is. But I know that I was truthful every step of the way.

I think I am afraid of loving someone who is available and emotionally open, empathic and passionate. But I also know it's the only thing I want in the future, no matter how long it lasts. I knew this person wasn't capable of that, he's proven that to me several times.

I won't chase him. I doubt he'll ever contact me again. I'm so sad. You are right, our relationship would never work long-term. I should just remember the beautiful moments (and they were many) and move on. One of the last things he said to me on the phone when we were still together (10 days ago) was that he was trying to break old habits i.e. that he has a tendency to just disappear when things get too much. I thought me being supportive about his AS would make him feel better, but it doesn't seem so. This last message was so hard on me, but I will try to let go now.

Again, to get this kind of support from strangers in addition to my friends (who don't know much about AS) is so amazing and I'm so grateful. Thank you.
 
I just read your update, after I posted my response to your original message. So sorry if it is not relevant now.

I am sorry it ended that way, but maybe it is for the best, so as you do not keep pursuing this. You deserve better. You have tried so much, but he is not reciprocating.

No more wasted time on persons that cannot show you that same care.

Yes, yes, yes. I will seriously copy your words and remind myself with them in the days to come. It makes me happy to think that there are people like you out there. I've been in therapy and have a supportive community of friends, but this means so much. Somehow love sometimes makes us blind to our own needs. I'm not drawn to abusive people. But I had warnings, and I now know to listen more carefully in the future to when those appear. Even my last message to him was patient, generous, and kind - and this is to someone who pulled out of a trip we had planned together and suggested I just go on this romantic journey by myself... And he responded so coldly. "I'll send you a check" (for his ticket only). Yes, I deserve the same care that I give. Heartfelt thanks to you on this Father's Day. :rose::rose::rose:
 
I have an answer that I have not seen posted, it comes from my own experience with my own behavior in the past.

For myself.... I could write the following as "I" or as "aspie", same as I am an aspie brain.

I am a person of deep emotions that I do not have the words to express, alexithymic. My own relationships have followed the exact path you have described.

That is that my aspie brain is continuously learning behavior and mimicking the actions of others in order to fit in, especially to fit into a romantic relationship. I watch a Cary Grant movie and I mimic expression and actions, to the point I pass in most situations. Here is the kicker, that takes significant amounts of energy though it only goes so far in a relationship with someone who is empathic. In that, eventually the empathic does not feel an emotional response from the aspie and the interaction is not recognized as an emotional connection. It is almost impossible to mimic warm and fuzzy emotions. Or, the aspie received a comment that is taken as criticism and the psyche shuts off the energy towards the mimicking behavior.

The net result is that the aspie realizes that their hard work to fit in, is not going to cut it (once again) and they exit stage left - for any further interaction is a reminder of their failure to fit in. Maybe they understood the behavior incorrectly, maybe they portraited the behavior incorrectly, deep inside they want to connect but just can't.

It seems that many aspie men are great at the initial dating actions as we have good examples to mimic, though we fall short on true and good relationship examples to mimic as there are so few.

Just my experiences with myself. Maybe my experiences help with some understandings.
 
Hi, t
I have an answer that I have not seen posted, it comes from my own experience with my own behavior in the past.

For myself.... I could write the following as "I" or as "aspie", same as I am an aspie brain.

I am a person of deep emotions that I do not have the words to express, alexithymic. My own relationships have followed the exact path you have described.

That is that my aspie brain is continuously learning behavior and mimicking the actions of others in order to fit in, especially to fit into a romantic relationship. I watch a Cary Grant movie and I mimic expression and actions, to the point I pass in most situations. Here is the kicker, that takes significant amounts of energy though it only goes so far in a relationship with someone who is empathic. In that, eventually the empathic does not feel an emotional response from the aspie and the interaction is not recognized as an emotional connection. It is almost impossible to mimic warm and fuzzy emotions. Or, the aspie received a comment that is taken as criticism and the psyche shuts off the energy towards the mimicking behavior.

The net result is that the aspie realizes that their hard work to fit in, is not going to cut it (once again) and they exit stage left - for any further interaction is a reminder of their failure to fit in. Maybe they understood the behavior incorrectly, maybe they portraited the behavior incorrectly, deep inside they want to connect but just can't.

It seems that many aspie men are great at the initial dating actions as we have good examples to mimic, though we fall short on true and good relationship examples to mimic as there are so few.

Just my experiences with myself. Maybe my experiences help with some understandings.[/Q


Hi. Thank you for sharing that perspective. Yes, yes, very helpful. That's exactly what happened. He began by slightly mimicking my text messages to him, tuning in on the tone and imagery (I'm a writer) of my voice, but not so much that it seemed odd to me. It just made me feel connected. He was also more comfortable sending photos than words, and I loved his strange and intriguing pictures, always beautiful, actually.

I then noticed a sudden increase in emojis in his texts, which is not something I do. His language also suddenly changed and became more girly, as if he was confusing our communication with someone else. Then it ended, maybe because he noticed I wasn't doing that. I changed the color of my hair drastically, and he then changed it too, but just a few strands. I thought it was sweet. He gave me gifts, all very perfect for me, after he noticed I love giving gifts to him. But isn't this what everyone does? Try to tune in with others and meet them in their needs? I guess for Aspies it just feels like acting? And therefore inauthentic somehow? I don't know, to me, the gestures were meaningful whether or not he "meant" them or not.

Up until last week, he commented excitedly on my life and what I was doing, but maybe when his ex left town for good, he ran out of steam. I think she was a very strong presence in his life to the point where he appears to have been dressing like her at times (although male clothes). His disappearance was sudden, and like I've said, very shocking and abrupt to me.

I am trying to understand the Aspie brain and imagine what it's like to move through the world from that perspective (always different for different people, I know). I realize it must be hard, especially when you have to deal with the NT world, which, honestly, is quite hard to navigate for me even as a NT. I am HSP/HSS (Highly Sensitive Person and High Sensation Seeker) so I experience life as very intense most of the time. I don't fit into "normal" either. :)

I feel sad that I may have made him feel pressured to do things he wasn't comfortable doing. I think unconditional love is appreciating someone for who they are in themselves, not because what they do for you. I gave him so much tenderness and attention. When he ended it, he wrote me that his feelings for me are not the same as they are for me. Well, does that mean he felt nothing? I sensed great emotion inside him, it was the difficulty expressing it that seemed to torment him. But what do I know? Every person is a mystery. I only wish we could have parted with more kindness. I hope he knows I still love him for the things we experienced together.

Thank you again for sharing your experience and words so generously. I will read your post again and take it in as I heal.
 
Also, he asked me to not send him any messages that weren't relating to the money he is going to send me. I asked once again for a kind conversation (after saying I was still here for him) but also said that if that was not possible I would respect his request. He responded after a few hours. "Thank you". I can't explain why this breaks my heart. He hasn't failed! He is a beautiful person, good at what he does, a great lover, and with wonderful humor. Yes, he was so nervous sometimes he was shaking with me, had anxiety attacks during his sleep. I always held him and soothed him, told him made up stories in the middle of the night to calm him. I said "if you can't sleep, wake me". But of course relationships should go both ways, and maybe he has nothing to give now. Or ever. He still deserves love and appreciation to me. But I do too, and I was not receiving that. I am amazed by the generosity of spirit and sharing and support here. Thank you again.
 
Your story sounds so eerily familiar Strong and kind. It's like the man you're talking about is my ex husband. Everything you've said is exactly like him. Crazy to know that there can be two people so similar.

This place is very nice and supporting isn't it? They are a very welcome change to the majority of forums out there. :D
 
Your story sounds so eerily familiar Strong and kind. It's like the man you're talking about is my ex husband. Everything you've said is exactly like him. Crazy to know that there can be two people so similar.

This place is very nice and supporting isn't it? They are a very welcome change to the majority of forums out there. :D

Hmm, well, he has been married, but that was 8 years ago...maybe it is him? Although it seems the pattern is recognized here too, by others, so probably not.

Yes, supportive and kind. That's what we all need, no matter who we are. Good night and thank you to everyone who helped me through this day. Breakups are never easy, but this was one of the hardest for me actually. The insights and strength shared by everyone was wonderful.
 
We've been married 8 years and he goes around saying he's divorced even though we aren't yet, unless you mean married for a certain time 8 years ago?

Goodnight to you as well Strong and kind. I think the hardest ones are when we don't get closure and treated respectfully. I'm so glad you got the responses you needed. A broken heart needs affirmation. :)
 
I have an answer that I have not seen posted, it comes from my own experience with my own behavior in the past.

For myself.... I could write the following as "I" or as "aspie", same as I am an aspie brain.

I am a person of deep emotions that I do not have the words to express, alexithymic. My own relationships have followed the exact path you have described.

That is that my aspie brain is continuously learning behavior and mimicking the actions of others in order to fit in, especially to fit into a romantic relationship. I watch a Cary Grant movie and I mimic expression and actions, to the point I pass in most situations. Here is the kicker, that takes significant amounts of energy though it only goes so far in a relationship with someone who is empathic. In that, eventually the empathic does not feel an emotional response from the aspie and the interaction is not recognized as an emotional connection. It is almost impossible to mimic warm and fuzzy emotions. Or, the aspie received a comment that is taken as criticism and the psyche shuts off the energy towards the mimicking behavior.

The net result is that the aspie realizes that their hard work to fit in, is not going to cut it (once again) and they exit stage left - for any further interaction is a reminder of their failure to fit in. Maybe they understood the behavior incorrectly, maybe they portraited the behavior incorrectly, deep inside they want to connect but just can't.

It seems that many aspie men are great at the initial dating actions as we have good examples to mimic, though we fall short on true and good relationship examples to mimic as there are so few.

Just my experiences with myself. Maybe my experiences help with some understandings.

This is pretty dead on with my experience.
 
Yes, yes, yes. I will seriously copy your words and remind myself with them in the days to come. It makes me happy to think that there are people like you out there. I've been in therapy and have a supportive community of friends, but this means so much. Somehow love sometimes makes us blind to our own needs. I'm not drawn to abusive people. But I had warnings, and I now know to listen more carefully in the future to when those appear. Even my last message to him was patient, generous, and kind - and this is to someone who pulled out of a trip we had planned together and suggested I just go on this romantic journey by myself... And he responded so coldly. "I'll send you a check" (for his ticket only). Yes, I deserve the same care that I give. Heartfelt thanks to you on this Father's Day. :rose::rose::rose:

That is really kind of you to say. Thanks. Sometimes it is good to get different perspectives, from both non-Aspies and Aspies. But, I think you know the answers now. So many women and men can relate, as they can have love for one, but because that love and excitement is so deep, it can at least a little cloud their judgement. This does not mean that you were not wise, but just that you maybe wanted to see all those great things in him and you both together and not dwell then on the other. You hoped that your love for him would reciprocated to deeper levels. You had more optimism, love, and desire than him. He does not have that ability, desire or need to be emotionally there for you, or to see things your way. That is not a reflection on you, but him.

Thank you for the nice Father's Day wishes. I was going to yesterday wish other fathers on this forum the same, but I worried some Aspies could have been offended if they did not have the greatest relationship with their Dads. Our oldest verbal high functioning 7-year old son with Autism loves making me a pizza for me each year on that holiday, and we flew a kite together at the park yesterday. Our youngest nonverbsl son is too young to understand, and his condition is not such yet ready to give in those type ways, but we know he cares. His constant clinginess, smiles and giggles when I am near, and his affection tells me that he loves me too. That is all I need.
 
I am so grateful for this long and thoughtful reply. And the other responses too. That it comes from strangers makes me very moved. And even more grateful. Thank you for your kindness. You are so right. About everything. I'm going to read your words over and over to myself and remember this for the future. I have so much joy and love in me, and I am constantly doing creative things. I gave him SO much: a beautiful space to visit in an amazing landscape, amazing food, massage, sex, laughter, adventure. He gave me his presence, but not much more. I mean, I loved that presence, and he made me laugh. He brought me thoughtful gifts. But he was unable to express himself emotionally except for negative emotions and often blaming others for the problems. He helped me practically, a lot, and that meant a lot to me. But the way he treats me now is appalling. I haven't done anything to warrant this kind of callous treatment... I'm not a clingy person. I never asked for commitment.

The friend who left town is his ex. He doesn't know that I know this, but I found out through social network. I shouldn't have looked it up, but I did. They were together for 7 years and I have no idea when it ended. I don't know if it actually ever ended until she left and moved to another state next weekend. Maybe they lived together the whole time we were seeing each other, I don't know. That would be on him, but I feel bad for this other woman. She moved last weekend, when he completely vanished from our communication. Why didn't he tell me they'd been together so long? I asked him if he'd been staying with her, and he said he'd been staying with a friend. He blurted out during our last conversation that he wasn't ready to be with me, but it just didn't make sense. It made me feel like the last relationship just ended, not like it ended 9 months ago. I honestly have no idea what the truth is. But I know that I was truthful every step of the way.

I think I am afraid of loving someone who is available and emotionally open, empathic and passionate. But I also know it's the only thing I want in the future, no matter how long it lasts. I knew this person wasn't capable of that, he's proven that to me several times.

I won't chase him. I doubt he'll ever contact me again. I'm so sad. You are right, our relationship would never work long-term. I should just remember the beautiful moments (and they were many) and move on. One of the last things he said to me on the phone when we were still together (10 days ago) was that he was trying to break old habits i.e. that he has a tendency to just disappear when things get too much. I thought me being supportive about his AS would make him feel better, but it doesn't seem so. This last message was so hard on me, but I will try to let go now.

Again, to get this kind of support from strangers in addition to my friends (who don't know much about AS) is so amazing and I'm so grateful. Thank you.

You are welcome. Yes, the fact that lots of persons you do not know would take the time to reply would mean they either relate, they have compassion too, or they want to help. For me, it is all three. I usually relate to most persons posts in some way, so I try to support them based on my experiences too. And as empathy, insight, and desires to assist others are strengths of mine, posts like these are hard to pass up.

I can sense the nice features in you just by your words. Even though I am the type though that looks deeper than words and beneath the surface, as I realize not always are things as stated or appear to be, in your case your goodness jumps out at me, as does so many others on this forum. So, do not blame yourself, as if anything you were too good for him and showed this too much. It seems he does not feel closer to people by good deeds and by being a nice person, but by what his mind is telling him to do. He seems to want space and do things on his terms. Because of that he lost a great potential partner. He needs to take responsibility for that.

That ex could be part of the issue, and he had not gotten over her, but I do not think it is just that. If I were a guy with an ex, and I saw a great person come along, that would be a perfect opportunity to move on from the other, and really try to connect with you. He showed glimpses, but it sounds like he emotionally was not there. I think his abilities are different than yours there. It is as if you provided temporary relief, but you do not provide what he really wants. It sounds like where before he wanted to come and go as he pleased, now he is saying it is over, and he does not want that.

Do not trust me that there are better persons out there for you, but trust what you have just said yourself. You know you are a great person by your own words too, and you are right lots of guys would fall for you. Do not pick any guy out. Be a little patient to fall in love and really get to know them over longer term first, and maybe find one with same interests, compatibility, and same dreams and goals. A guy who knows himself, and has lots of strength, will be easier to see the great in another and really love another.

Thank you for your kind words. Really, it is no effort to try to assist others. It comes natural for me.
 
Wow @Strong and kind, Margaret Mitchell couldn't have been more eloquent. The world needs more people like you.

I'm in my forties, pure AS, with a highly dramatic and emotional NT husband and unfortunately, I have to confess, I was your ex-boyfriend. I acted exactly like him and I even sent that exact text to a boyfriend at university. I didn't understand the way my brain worked back then, I didn't recognize what was happening and I definitely had no control over any of it. Now, I am half tempted to contact my ex boyfriends and apologize.

Maybe on this forum, we can help explain what just happened to you.

There are a number of things at work, essentially the aspie brain takes in a lot of information, a billion small details. He can probably draw the exact pattern of your bathroom tiles but doesn't remember what colour your eyes are. He would probably be able to trace a complex web of family lineage but not remember your last name. He also didn't have the foggiest idea why your emotions were oscillating in the extremes when his were flat lining.

This will build up and up and up until the aspie reaches shutdown. This can be a panic attack, or freezing up, or screaming. Now I can see my shutdowns coming days in advance so I make an effort to take myself somewhere quiet and process the patterns of the bathroom tiles, but back then I did not.

Instead I threw crockery. Nice white crockery too. Not at anyone, not to hurt anyone, just to vent, just to hear the smash. It's like a hard drive filling up, once my brain is at capacity I have to defragment it, clean it up, I have to process the information or I will just keep failing.

Back then I ran away, a lot, from every argument. I did once have two boyfriends but not on purpose and I certainly didn't want to hurt anyone, my brain just couldn't sort out the correct relationship dynamics so I just sort of clammed up until it blew up in my face.

Having space is a big part of coping. But my NT husband continually misunderstands this. He thinks that I need space away from him. Sadly he doesn't even factor in, it is never about him. It is just my brain needing to process everything. I now do this by writing stories, then all the jumble sorts itself out and order is restored.

You don't judge, you try to understand, that is amazing. The real tragedy here is that he doesn't know what he lost.

However, I have observed that people have a type. My drama queen of a husband was always attracted to logical, almost robotic girls. And I was attracted to, well emotional people but then the aspie logic plays a factor and I did of course consider genetic compatibility and a logistical skills match. Love is an interesting twist but certainly no where near the top of my priorities, as far as my aspie brain goes, love is learned behaviour, sorry, I know NTs have trouble fathoming that. But when it happens (eventually, sometimes 5 years into a relationship), I am perfectly capable of a deep and strong love that has grown over time. I just keep it tightly controlled and I will never be able to explain or express it.

So if your next boyfriend is an emotionally challenged aspie or your last boyfriend wakes up and realizes how much he has lost then we are all here for you, to support you and to explain the bizarre behaviour :) All the best! xxx
 
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Wow @Strong and kind, Margaret Mitchell couldn't have been more eloquent. The world needs more people like you.

I'm in my forties, pure AS, with a highly dramatic and emotional NT husband and unfortunately, I have to confess, I was your ex-boyfriend. I acted exactly like him and I even sent that exact text to a boyfriend at university. I didn't understand the way my brain worked back then, I didn't recognize what was happening and I definitely had no control over any of it. Now, I am half tempted to contact my ex boyfriends and apologize.

Maybe on this forum, we can help explain what just happened to you.

There are a number of things at work, essentially the aspie brain takes in a lot of information, a billion small details. He can probably draw the exact pattern of your bathroom tiles but doesn't remember what colour your eyes are. He would probably be able to trace a complex web of family lineage but not remember your last name. He also didn't have the foggiest idea why your emotions were oscillating in the extremes when his were flat lining.

This will build up and up and up until the aspie reaches shutdown. This can be a panic attack, or freezing up, or screaming. Now I can see my shutdowns coming days in advance so I make an effort to take myself somewhere quiet and process the patterns of the bathroom tiles, but back then I did not.

Instead I threw crockery. Nice white crockery too. Not at anyone, not to hurt anyone, just to vent, just to hear the smash. It's like a hard drive filling up, once my brain is at capacity I have to defragment it, clean it up, I have to process the information or I will just keep failing.

Back then I ran away, a lot, from every argument. I did once have two boyfriends but not on purpose and I certainly didn't want to hurt anyone, my brain just couldn't sort out the correct relationship dynamics so I just sort of clammed up until it blew up in my face.

Having space is a big part of coping. But my NT husband continually misunderstands this. He thinks that I need space away from him. Sadly he doesn't even factor in, it is never about him. It is just my brain needing to process everything. I now do this by writing stories, then all the jumble sorts itself out and order is restored.

You don't judge, you try to understand, that is amazing. The real tragedy here is that he doesn't know what he lost.

However, I have observed that people have a type. My drama queen of a husband was always attracted to logical, almost robotic girls. And I was attracted to, well emotional people but then the aspie logic plays a factor and I did of course consider genetic compatibility and a logistical skills match. Love is an interesting twist but certainly no where near the top of my priorities, as far as my aspie brain goes, love is learned behaviour, sorry, I know NTs have trouble fathoming that. But when it happens (eventually, sometimes 5 years into a relationship), I am perfectly capable of a deep and strong love that has grown over time. I just keep it tightly controlled and I will never be able to explain or express it.

So if your next boyfriend is an emotionally challenged aspie or your last boyfriend wakes up and realizes how much he has lost then we are all here for you, to support you and to explain the bizarre behaviour :) All the best! xxx

Very helpful and informative reply in explaining how an Aspie mind can work, so thanks for this post. I can see now why it would be so difficult for those with that condition to feel love and the same things that NTs feel, and why Aspies do as they do for situations that NTs would not expect.

I myself used to wonder long ago what would make the best long term relationship. Would it be one giver and one taker, two givers, or two takers. By giving and taking I do not mean gifts, but efforts, sacrifices, the amount of time to help one with their needs, and the like. And I still do not have a perfect answer, as so many variables come into play.

I mean, I am sure the the taker would love the giver, but could that giver be really fulfilled? But maybe two givers with each other could be discomforting in a few ways as it is like a really strong friendship but one or both preferring more challenges or compatible differences. Two takers could be though good, as they would not mess with nice others.

If had to choose I would pick the two really nice persons being together, and not one with way more needs than the other. As much as empathetic persons love to give, they deserve to receive as well, and feel understood, respected, appreciated and loved. Short term, two opposites, one empathetic and one apathetic or selfish, could work, but not long term.

By having two givers together, each of their needs could be met, in a loving and not selfish way. And if each was lacking in some trait or ability, they could help that other, or together achieve that.

Women often assume though that a guy who has strong empathy is weak. That is not necessarily true. Yes, a few could cry easily, and be sensitive too much, or act not strong emotionally. However, that is a myth that empathy shows up just in that way.

There are other empathetic guys who do not cry lots or feel too much pain, and that do not worry a whole lot or need a lot. They can be stronger than even the strongest looking and toughest of guys, who often can be in more need.

The strong guys with empathy that I am talking about are the ones that persevered in life, and have learned so much in life. They can have great understanding and caring abilities, because of how they were raised or genetics, or both, and thrive under pressure. But, they also have a very logical side, too. That is me now.

That was not always how I was, as through my twenties I got bothered by criticism and rejection, and tried to please all. If I did not get the same reaction or have many friends I took it personally. The last fifteen years, through my own self-help efforts, I have become way more positive and hardly ever worry, and I focus on just my efforts, and my self-esteem is healthy, and not too low or too inflated.

I am not talking about anyone here, but I think many women in general maybe see the guy who is big and brawny, and very confident from the surface, as strong. That is not necessarily true. Yes, they could maybe physically protect you from harm, if they were not the abusive types, and if they had courage there, but equally, they could just want mainly sex, or not share feelings well, or have little self-motivation, insight, or patience, not help in the other needed strength ways..

Knowledge is power they say, and I fully believe that. Not just book knowledge necessarily, but the emotional intelligence I am mostly referring about. That is different than being emotional I feel. One can be very emotionally gifted as a man, but not be overly sensitive from the surface. They can sense people's emotional needs well and react accordingly. And the amount of words one says, or the actual words says, should not show love and strength, but the quality, heartfelt sincerity, and efforts.

Personally, with regards to long term relationships, I think for me though a more extroverted and introverted person can sometimes be good, too, if they had equal strengths and needs, and I think it could be a little harder for two really shy introverts, or two really outgoing extroverts, and especially if they had not the same interests, as it seems like not enough of their needs could be met or not enough listening or understanding. That is just a generalization though, as people are in relationships for all different reasons.

Sorry if I went on a tangent. I just related to your post about different personality types, and whether they are seen as a success for a relationship, or with ongoing difficulty.
 
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Very helpful and informative reply in explaining how an Aspie mind can work, so thanks for this post. I can see now why it would be so difficult for those with that condition to feel love and the same things that NTs feel, and why Aspies do as they do for situations that NTs would not expect.

I myself used to wonder long ago what would make the best long term relationship. Would it be one giver and one taker, two givers, or two takers. By giving and taking I do not mean gifts, but efforts, sacrifices, the amount of time to help one with their needs, and the like. And I still do not have a perfect answer, as so many variables come into play.

I mean, I am sure the the taker would love the giver, but could that giver be really fulfilled? But maybe two givers with each other could be discomforting in a few ways as it is like a really strong friendship but one or both preferring more challenges or compatible differences. Two takers could be though good, as they would not mess with nice others.

If had to choose I would pick the two really nice persons being together, and not one with way more needs than the other. As much as empathetic persons love to give, they deserve to receive as well, and feel understood, respected, appreciated and loved. Short term, two opposites, one empathetic and one apathetic or selfish, could work, but not long term.

By having two givers together, each of their needs could be met, in a loving and not selfish way. And if each was lacking in some trait or ability, they could help that other, or together achieve that.

Women often assume though that a guy who has strong empathy is weak. That is not necessarily true. Yes, a few could cry easily, and be sensitive too much, or act not strong emotionally. However, that is a myth that empathy shows up just in that way.

There are other empathetic guys who do not cry lots or feel too much pain, and that do not worry a whole lot or need a lot. They can be stronger than even the strongest looking and toughest of guys, who often can be in more need.

The strong guys with empathy that I am talking about are the ones that persevered in life, and have learned so much in life. They can have great understanding and caring abilities, because of how they were raised or genetics, or both, and thrive under pressure. But, they also have a very logical side, too. That is me now.

That was not always how I was, as through my twenties I got bothered by criticism and rejection, and tried to please all. If I did not get the same reaction or have many friends I took it personally. The last fifteen years, through my own self-help efforts, I have become way more positive and hardly ever worry, and I focus on just my efforts, and my self-esteem is healthy, and not too low or too inflated.

I am not talking about anyone here, but I think many women in general maybe see the guy who is big and brawny, and very confident from the surface, as strong. That is not necessarily true. Yes, they could maybe physically protect you from harm, if they were not the abusive types, and if they had courage there, but equally, they could just want mainly sex, or not share feelings well, or have little self-motivation, insight, or patience, not help in the other needed strength ways..

Knowledge is power they say, and I fully believe that. Not just book knowledge necessarily, but the emotional intelligence I am mostly referring about. That is different than being emotional I feel. One can be very emotionally gifted as a man, but not be overly sensitive from the surface. They can sense people's emotional needs well and react accordingly. And the amount of words one says, or the actual words says, should not show love and strength, but the quality, heartfelt sincerity, and efforts.

Personally, with regards to long term relationships, I think for me though a more extroverted and introverted person can sometimes be good, too, if they had equal strengths and needs, and I think it could be a little harder for two really shy introverts, or two really outgoing extroverts, and especially if they had not the same interests, as it seems like not enough of their needs could be met or not enough listening or understanding. That is just a generalization though, as people are in relationships for all different reasons.

Sorry if I went on a tangent. I just related to your post about different personality types, and whether they are seen as a success for a relationship, or with ongoing difficulty.

At least speaking for myself, I would suggest to you that its not difficult to feel love as an aspie but it's difficult to express it. If I focus on a potential partner I love then I begin focusing on the details of what makes that person different from others I don't love. The more on focus on them the harder it is to explain what I'm perceiving. In the past I used to try and mold myself into someone I thought was compatible with them but ultimately this is a dead end. It's really just me trying to interact with someone I feel strongly about but the stronger my feelings for someone the harder it is to interact with them. Essentially, the more I love someone the harder it is to communicate. I can't juggle both the extremes of emotion I experience and communication.

I married a woman I liked. Over time I slowly loved her more and more. I had to build my emotional tolerance for my love and for her love of me. I'm not sure this makes any sense to an NT but think of love as water in a pot. The goal of each partner is to pour their love on their significant other. The temperature of the water will depend on the predispositions of the individual. My partner and I have to both prefer our love to be luke-warm and poor it very, very slowly. I hope that makes sense.
 
At least speaking for myself, I would suggest to you that its not difficult to feel love as an aspie but it's difficult to express it. If I focus on a potential partner I love then I begin focusing on the details of what makes that person different from others I don't love. The more on focus on them the harder it is to explain what I'm perceiving. In the past I used to try and mold myself into someone I thought was compatible with them but ultimately this is a dead end. It's really just me trying to interact with someone I feel strongly about but the stronger my feelings for someone the harder it is to interact with them. Essentially, the more I love someone the harder it is to communicate. I can't juggle both the extremes of emotion I experience and communication.

I married a woman I liked. Over time I slowly loved her more and more. I had to build my emotional tolerance for my love and for her love of me. I'm not sure this makes any sense to an NT but think of love as water in a pot. The goal of each partner is to pour their love on their significant other. The temperature of the water will depend on the predispositions of the individual. My partner and I have to both prefer our love to be luke-warm and poor it very, very slowly. I hope that makes sense.

Yes, that makes sense to me. It could be more problems expressing love than feeling love.

It is very hard for one that personally does not have Aspergers or Autism to try to get in the mind of someone with such condition, but especially as even each with that condition can have subtle differences, too. Some can express love in different ways, or have more difficulties with showing that.

But, I have read a few posts on other threads whereby Aspies felt just to love another was difficult, but perhaps they meant it was just hard to express it, or process it.

Overall, what you say appears to make sense. In our situation, our children have Autism and express love in different ways, but this does not mean the love is not there.

It's ironic though that Dylan our youngest, five years of age, who is nonverbal with mild to moderate Autism shows love in more NT ways, through wanting physical affection and through happy non-verbal cues when we give him loving attention.

Aaron, the oldest, at seven years old, who has only mild Autism and is high functioning, does not express love well. He may feel it just as intensely, but he does not like being held much or want to be affectionate as much.

Your post made me learn more, thanks. Another issue is, I wonder if Aspies could each define love differently.
 
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This is pretty dead on with my experience.
Wow @Strong and kind, Margaret Mitchell couldn't have been more eloquent. The world needs more people like you.

I'm in my forties, pure AS, with a highly dramatic and emotional NT husband and unfortunately, I have to confess, I was your ex-boyfriend. I acted exactly like him and I even sent that exact text to a boyfriend at university. I didn't understand the way my brain worked back then, I didn't recognize what was happening and I definitely had no control over any of it. Now, I am half tempted to contact my ex boyfriends and apologize.

Maybe on this forum, we can help explain what just happened to you.

There are a number of things at work, essentially the aspie brain takes in a lot of information, a billion small details. He can probably draw the exact pattern of your bathroom tiles but doesn't remember what colour your eyes are. He would probably be able to trace a complex web of family lineage but not remember your last name. He also didn't have the foggiest idea why your emotions were oscillating in the extremes when his were flat lining.

This will build up and up and up until the aspie reaches shutdown. This can be a panic attack, or freezing up, or screaming. Now I can see my shutdowns coming days in advance so I make an effort to take myself somewhere quiet and process the patterns of the bathroom tiles, but back then I did not.

Instead I threw crockery. Nice white crockery too. Not at anyone, not to hurt anyone, just to vent, just to hear the smash. It's like a hard drive filling up, once my brain is at capacity I have to defragment it, clean it up, I have to process the information or I will just keep failing.

Back then I ran away, a lot, from every argument. I did once have two boyfriends but not on purpose and I certainly didn't want to hurt anyone, my brain just couldn't sort out the correct relationship dynamics so I just sort of clammed up until it blew up in my face.

Having space is a big part of coping. But my NT husband continually misunderstands this. He thinks that I need space away from him. Sadly he doesn't even factor in, it is never about him. It is just my brain needing to process everything. I now do this by writing stories, then all the jumble sorts itself out and order is restored.

You don't judge, you try to understand, that is amazing. The real tragedy here is that he doesn't know what he lost.

However, I have observed that people have a type. My drama queen of a husband was always attracted to logical, almost robotic girls. And I was attracted to, well emotional people but then the aspie logic plays a factor and I did of course consider genetic compatibility and a logistical skills match. Love is an interesting twist but certainly no where near the top of my priorities, as far as my aspie brain goes, love is learned behaviour, sorry, I know NTs have trouble fathoming that. But when it happens (eventually, sometimes 5 years into a relationship), I am perfectly capable of a deep and strong love that has grown over time. I just keep it tightly controlled and I will never be able to explain or express it.

So if your next boyfriend is an emotionally challenged aspie or your last boyfriend wakes up and realizes how much he has lost then we are all here for you, to support you and to explain the bizarre behaviour :) All the best! xxx
 

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